Dirty Secrets..............................

even flow?even flow? Posts: 8,066
edited April 2005 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
With anguish on my face
Knees worn through on my jeans
Fingers grasping at the air
Where you once stood

I face a door
Which was slammed in rage
Staring blankly at the door knob
Listening to remorse sing her song
You've changed your place in this world!
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • EvilToasterElfEvilToasterElf Posts: 1,119
    the "ing" words slow the second stanza down a lot

    with anguish on my face
    knees worn through my jeans
    fingers grasp the air
    where you stood (once is implied by the past tense anyway)

    I face a door
    slammed in rage
    blank stares at the door knob
    remorse sings her song

    even the simple changes can make a world of difference
  • AliAli Posts: 2,621
    even flow? wrote:
    With anguish on my face
    Knees worn through on my jeans
    Fingers grasping at the air
    Where you once stood

    I face a door
    Which was slammed in rage
    Staring blankly at the door knob
    Listening to remorse sing her song

    I like it...LISTENING TO REMORSE SING HER SONG....that part gets me.....
    A whisper and a thrill
    A whisper and a chill
    adv2005

    "Why do I bother?"
    The 11th Commandment.
    "Whatever"

    PETITION TO STOP THE BAN OF SMOKING IN BARS IN THE UNITED STATES....Anyone?
  • very nice...I can relate
    If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.

    Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.
    -Oscar Wilde
  • El_KabongEl_Kabong Posts: 4,141
    Ali wrote:
    I like it...LISTENING TO REMORSE SING HER SONG....that part gets me.....


    i like that part a lot, too. great poem!
    standin above the crowd
    he had a voice that was strong and loud and
    i swallowed his facade cos i'm so
    eager to identify with
    someone above the crowd
    someone who seemed to feel the same
    someone prepared to lead the way
  • ISNISN Posts: 1,700
    I think that's the first time I've read door knob in a poem.....and it's just so right!!! I lik this peom.......:D
    ....they're asking me to prove why I should be allowed to stay with my baby in Australia, because I'm mentally ill......and they think I should leave......
Sign In or Register to comment.