~Ode To My Eyes~

Balki

Thanks to Outsider for making me think this morning....



You have shown me life
You have shown me death
You have created my smiles
You have also caused me pain
Is sight the double edged sword?
One day we're high from what we behold
And the next we ache, from that which unfolds
Rip my eyes out and cure the pain?
Or leave them be, in hopes to contain
The life around us, which shows us the truth
Conversly tightening...tightening the noose


don't post here much...but i'd like to...thanks

coleen

i can't believe you left the who you are forum.

i'm glad you decided to stop by to post here and hope that you'll post again.

CranMalReign

Hey there. Melikes this poem, and think it would benefit from a bit more ambiguity. Don't get me wrong, it's good stuff. I'm just suggesting you don't hand your readers the "I'm talking about my eyes here" thing. Just a suggestion. Take it or leave it. Melikes either way.

Balki

Originally posted by coleen
i can't believe you left the who you are forum.

i'm glad you decided to stop by to post here and hope that you'll post again.

i like to browse
and Goulet and I are buddies...you should read some of the stuff we exchange over there

Balki

Originally posted by CranMalReign
Hey there. Melikes this poem, and think it would benefit from a bit more ambiguity. Don't get me wrong, it's good stuff. I'm just suggesting you don't hand your readers the "I'm talking about my eyes here" thing. Just a suggestion. Take it or leave it. Melikes either way.

thanks...i appreciate the constructive critism....do you mean don't have a title at all? or what?

CranMalReign

Originally posted by Balki
thanks...i appreciate the constructive critism....do you mean don't have a title at all? or what?

Title was the most obvious part, I thought. When I read the title and then the first few lines of your poem, they didn't seem to match, ya know? Like, you are talking to your eyes as if they are people... which to me seems to be a perfect candidate for ambiguity.

Long story short, fog it up a little. You don't hafta completely scrap a title all together, just something that doesn't scream eyes but, once the reader figures out it's about your eyes, the title still makes perfect sense.

That wasn't a short version of a long story. Anyway, just my suggestions for making it more ambiguous and open to interpretation... if that's your cup of tea. Just my two pence.

Balki

Originally posted by CranMalReign
Title was the most obvious part, I thought. When I read the title and then the first few lines of your poem, they didn't seem to match, ya know? Like, you are talking to your eyes as if they are people... which to me seems to be a perfect candidate for ambiguity.

Long story short, fog it up a little. You don't hafta completely scrap a title all together, just something that doesn't scream eyes but, once the reader figures out it's about your eyes, the title still makes perfect sense.

That wasn't a short version of a long story. Anyway, just my suggestions for making it more ambiguous and open to interpretation... if that's your cup of tea. Just my two pence.

thanks...greatly appreciated

Goulet

i like to apply jelly to my roll
and then do the yam dance

Balki

Originally posted by Goulet
i like to apply jelly to my roll
and then do the yam dance

tic tacks and happy slaps
make for nappy naps
mom said...CLEAN YOUR ROOM!
and tossed me the fucking broom :(

coleen

Originally posted by Balki
i like to browse
and Goulet and I are buddies...you should read some of the stuff we exchange over there

you are one of my favorites to read over in the other forum.

Balki

Originally posted by coleen
you are one of my favorites to read over in the other forum.

*blush*

Radar(Baba)O'Riley

Yeah, good job, Balkinator.

Eyes are memory mirrors.

Trey Pistachio

Very nice, balki.

Ms. Haiku

Balki wrote:

Thanks to Outsider for making me think this morning....



You have shown me life
You have shown me death
You have created my smiles
You have also caused me pain
Is sight the double edged sword?
One day we're high from what we behold
And the next we ache, from that which unfolds
Rip my eyes out and cure the pain?
Or leave them be, in hopes to contain
The life around us, which shows us the truth
Conversly tightening...tightening the noose


don't post here much...but i'd like to...thanks

Eyes can be a metaphor for sight or insight. I don't think it's too obvious that it's just about the rolly things in your eye sockets. Here's my poem in response:

knife covered by fallen leaves
autumn flood