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~Ode To My Eyes~

BalkiBalki Posts: 50
edited December 2004 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
Thanks to Outsider for making me think this morning....



You have shown me life
You have shown me death
You have created my smiles
You have also caused me pain
Is sight the double edged sword?
One day we're high from what we behold
And the next we ache, from that which unfolds
Rip my eyes out and cure the pain?
Or leave them be, in hopes to contain
The life around us, which shows us the truth
Conversly tightening...tightening the noose


don't post here much...but i'd like to...thanks
"Don't Be Ridiculous"
~Balki Bartokamous

"Some people have taken pure bullshit, and turned it into gold."
~Neil

"Call out the instigators, because there's something in the air..."
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • coleencoleen Posts: 938
    i can't believe you left the who you are forum.

    i'm glad you decided to stop by to post here and hope that you'll post again. :)
  • CranMalReignCranMalReign Posts: 1,928
    Hey there. Melikes this poem, and think it would benefit from a bit more ambiguity. Don't get me wrong, it's good stuff. I'm just suggesting you don't hand your readers the "I'm talking about my eyes here" thing. Just a suggestion. Take it or leave it. Melikes either way.
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  • BalkiBalki Posts: 50
    Originally posted by coleen
    i can't believe you left the who you are forum.

    i'm glad you decided to stop by to post here and hope that you'll post again. :)

    i like to browse :)
    and Goulet and I are buddies...you should read some of the stuff we exchange over there :)
    "Don't Be Ridiculous"
    ~Balki Bartokamous

    "Some people have taken pure bullshit, and turned it into gold."
    ~Neil

    "Call out the instigators, because there's something in the air..."
  • BalkiBalki Posts: 50
    Originally posted by CranMalReign
    Hey there. Melikes this poem, and think it would benefit from a bit more ambiguity. Don't get me wrong, it's good stuff. I'm just suggesting you don't hand your readers the "I'm talking about my eyes here" thing. Just a suggestion. Take it or leave it. Melikes either way.

    thanks...i appreciate the constructive critism....do you mean don't have a title at all? or what?
    "Don't Be Ridiculous"
    ~Balki Bartokamous

    "Some people have taken pure bullshit, and turned it into gold."
    ~Neil

    "Call out the instigators, because there's something in the air..."
  • CranMalReignCranMalReign Posts: 1,928
    Originally posted by Balki
    thanks...i appreciate the constructive critism....do you mean don't have a title at all? or what?

    Title was the most obvious part, I thought. When I read the title and then the first few lines of your poem, they didn't seem to match, ya know? Like, you are talking to your eyes as if they are people... which to me seems to be a perfect candidate for ambiguity.

    Long story short, fog it up a little. You don't hafta completely scrap a title all together, just something that doesn't scream eyes but, once the reader figures out it's about your eyes, the title still makes perfect sense.

    That wasn't a short version of a long story. Anyway, just my suggestions for making it more ambiguous and open to interpretation... if that's your cup of tea. Just my two pence.
    • 98 Pgh
    • 00 Pgh
    • 03 Pgh|Philly|PSU|Camden 1+2|Hershey
    • 04 Boston 1|Reading
    • 05 Philly
    • 06 Camden 1+2|Pgh
    • 08 Camden 1+2|Hartford|Mansfield 2
    • 09 Philly 1 [EV]|Toronto|Spectrum 1-4
    • 10 Cleveland|Buffalo
    • 11 Philly [EV]|PJ20
    • 12 Philly
    • 13 London|Pgh|Buff|Philly 1+2|Balt
    • 14 Cincy|StL
    • 16 Philly 1+2|Philly 2 [TotD]
    • 18 Boston 1+2
  • BalkiBalki Posts: 50
    Originally posted by CranMalReign
    Title was the most obvious part, I thought. When I read the title and then the first few lines of your poem, they didn't seem to match, ya know? Like, you are talking to your eyes as if they are people... which to me seems to be a perfect candidate for ambiguity.

    Long story short, fog it up a little. You don't hafta completely scrap a title all together, just something that doesn't scream eyes but, once the reader figures out it's about your eyes, the title still makes perfect sense.

    That wasn't a short version of a long story. Anyway, just my suggestions for making it more ambiguous and open to interpretation... if that's your cup of tea. Just my two pence.

    thanks...greatly appreciated
    "Don't Be Ridiculous"
    ~Balki Bartokamous

    "Some people have taken pure bullshit, and turned it into gold."
    ~Neil

    "Call out the instigators, because there's something in the air..."
  • GouletGoulet Posts: 918
    i like to apply jelly to my roll
    and then do the yam dance
  • BalkiBalki Posts: 50
    Originally posted by Goulet
    i like to apply jelly to my roll
    and then do the yam dance

    tic tacks and happy slaps
    make for nappy naps
    mom said...CLEAN YOUR ROOM!
    and tossed me the fucking broom :(
    "Don't Be Ridiculous"
    ~Balki Bartokamous

    "Some people have taken pure bullshit, and turned it into gold."
    ~Neil

    "Call out the instigators, because there's something in the air..."
  • coleencoleen Posts: 938
    Originally posted by Balki
    i like to browse :)
    and Goulet and I are buddies...you should read some of the stuff we exchange over there :)

    you are one of my favorites to read over in the other forum. :)
  • BalkiBalki Posts: 50
    Originally posted by coleen
    you are one of my favorites to read over in the other forum. :)

    *blush*
    "Don't Be Ridiculous"
    ~Balki Bartokamous

    "Some people have taken pure bullshit, and turned it into gold."
    ~Neil

    "Call out the instigators, because there's something in the air..."
  • Radar(Baba)O'RileyRadar(Baba)O'Riley Posts: 947
    Yeah, good job, Balkinator.

    Eyes are memory mirrors.
  • Trey PistachioTrey Pistachio Posts: 5
    Very nice, balki.
    The do-do-do-dah-dah, The TREY-let
  • Ms. HaikuMs. Haiku Washington DC Posts: 7,265
    Balki wrote:
    Thanks to Outsider for making me think this morning....



    You have shown me life
    You have shown me death
    You have created my smiles
    You have also caused me pain
    Is sight the double edged sword?
    One day we're high from what we behold
    And the next we ache, from that which unfolds
    Rip my eyes out and cure the pain?
    Or leave them be, in hopes to contain
    The life around us, which shows us the truth
    Conversly tightening...tightening the noose


    don't post here much...but i'd like to...thanks
    Eyes can be a metaphor for sight or insight. I don't think it's too obvious that it's just about the rolly things in your eye sockets. Here's my poem in response:

    knife covered by fallen leaves
    autumn flood
    There is no such thing as leftover pizza. There is now pizza and later pizza. - anonymous
    The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
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