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Silent No More

pickupyourwillpickupyourwill Posts: 3,135
I'm starting from the beginning.

Mom was about six months pregnant when they took that last trip to Hawaii.  So, technically, I've been there, as a fetus.  Dad always reminded me of Elvis those first years at the house on Ranchview.  He even looked like him a little in pictures.  He sang for our church choir.  He loved to sing.  He sang in an Oklahoma musical during his high school days.  Both mom and dad loved music.  Their combined record collection was very impressive.  When dad died about five years ago, I split it up between my brother and I.  Their love for music stayed true in both of us throughout time.  Our grandpa and grandmas on our mom's side all played piano.  Grandpa played drums and harmonica as well and sang in the choir.  I guess I thought I would always take after them as well.  I loved to dance.  I always wanted to play piano in grade school, but my parents couldn't afford the lessons at the time.  Before we knew it, the rug was pulled right out from under us and we almost went bankrupt.  But the love of music has always remained.  It helps soothe the savage work day.  Singing along is very therapeutic.  Knowing all the words by heart and and living them, breathing them is what life is all about.  Singing from your soul is everything.  Some artists just get you better than others.  They are like kindred spirits.  The aching in their voices is the same pain and suffering that you experience in life.  They put it into words beautifully.  Eddie Vedder and Michael Stipe have always done this for me.

I will add more as time goes on.  I have learned to not share too much at once.  There are many who are not to be trusted.  The last five years have done a number on me.  I will share more as God allows.

Thank you all for your time.
Post edited by pickupyourwill on

Comments

  • pickupyourwillpickupyourwill Posts: 3,135
    Eddie was like Odysseus from The Odyssey.  You can hear it in Dance of the Clairvoyants.  The gypsies, sirens, white witches, clairvoyants, etc. all had him under their control for years.  Stevie Nicks and company kept track of all of it.  I feel that it was also like an Alpha situation like with the whisperers in The Walking Dead.  I feel he was under their spells for many years.  He wanted to get back but they would not let them.   I don't know if it started before Bourbon and Beyond, or right after.  He seemed more like Tom Petty's spirit more to me after that, possibly after being inducted into the Hall of Fame.  I tried to keep track of it all, but its nearly impossible.  The Chain they talk about changes all the time.  The last few years have felt like that Coven season of American Horror Story.  I was surrounded by these gypsies gone bad for far too long.  They have misused their powers.  They have created a web of lies, these celebrities, and those they convert.  So many people have fallen prey to all the deals made during Trump's reign of terror.  They put the devil in charge for four years and the world came undone.  They tried to distract them all with shiny pretty things and money.  It is no wonder that God and others finally intervened with the Covid pandemic.  The world had gotten out of control. 
  • pickupyourwillpickupyourwill Posts: 3,135
    edited July 18
    A few months before I was to go into the Air Force around age 22, I was reading the book 

    Five Against One

    Book by Kim Neely

    I was living in an apartment with my good friend, Beth.  We had been Pearl Jam fans since around the age of 13.  I feel that her and her family were helping me get my life back on track at that point.

    We had adopted two black kittens that were found abandoned in an alley not to far from the temp agency that she worked for.  I remember her telling me that it appeared that the mom cat and the rest of the litter were violently massacred somehow.  So these two kittens were the only survivors.  I was still so naive then about cats and their roles in this world so I didn't question anymore about the story.  I just took pride in the fact that we rescued them, bottle fed them, and nursed them back to health.  We also had my adult cat, Foo, living with us. 

    I sent a picture of the two black kittens, whom we named Edwina and Vedder, to the Pearl Jam ten club sometime right before the Christmas of 2002.  There were four pictures.  One of me kissing the kittens, one of her at the apartment, one of me around age 13, one of Beth around age 13.  I was giving them before and now pictures of our long journey as Pearl Jam fans.  

    I sent the letter of praise for the band and the pictures along without telling Beth.  When I did tell her days or weeks later, she asked how the one of her now looked.  I think she was afraid I sent a bad picture of her.  It was a good picture, probably not up to her standards, but she was naturally pretty so any picture was fine.  Normal looking people tend to worry about such petty things.

    That was the first fan letter I had ever sent to them that I know of.  It is possible that I sent one a few months before when the Riot Act cd came out and I was living with my dad.  I never asked her about it, but I feel like she probably sent some fan letters to them when we were around that impressionable age of 13 with the Pearl Jam Ten cd.  So I do believe our circle was already on their radar from the start.

    When I told her that I sent the letter and photos, she said that they were probably not received by anyone.  I figured she knew what she was talking about since her and her brother were more in the know about these things.  I could sense her disapproval of me sending it all in without showing her first.  She felt that she was the big sister in our roomate roles.  I think that my increasing love for Pearl Jam, as they evolved over the years, really irritated her.  She never took into account the fact that Eddie's voice and soul, at times, was reminding me of my long lost brother and dad, before my mom and dad's divorce.  I was 11 when it happened.  I was too young to know at the time how divorces worked and that my parents' signed their souls away.  Now that I've gone through it myself, there is a much deeper meaning there.  So, many of their lyrics were in direct lineage to my own life.  Beth and company never understood that at the time.

    A few months later, my old fiance called me up.  He was crying, on the phone, at the thought of me going into the Air Force and us never seeing each other again.  He wanted to be more than friends.  He felt that I was running away from my problems and wasn't sure if me going in was a good idea.  I was already having many doubts about it as well.  My confidence was not there.  I did not have enough faith in myself for some of the intimidating challenges that the military life would bring.  I would get a bit home sick.  I was putting a lot of trust into strangers, some of whom had already shattered my self-esteem.  I really didn't trust anyone at that point, not even Beth, and when my ex came along to save the day and shower me with love and attention, I finally gave in.  He felt more like home to me then.  I would soon find out, however, that the cold world of future jobs was just as harsh and unforgiving as the military would have been.  The grass is never greener on the other side.  Its all the same.  You just get stronger and wiser.  We were now living in a world, post 9/11, where every job you worked at, every lease you signed, was giving these powers that be the permission to have more control over your life.  The Scientology aspect was manifesting at a fast rate.  I was not aware of all this yet, just focused on raising my son.  I do believe that Beth and her brother had already been scratching the surface on all of it.  They hadn't had kids yet so they could research everything.  They were always more in the know.

    My ex-fiance and I got back together for a month before I was to go to basic training.  I had already been sworn in.  We put it in God's hands and let him make the decision.  A couple of weeks before I was to leave, we found out I was pregnant.  It felt like God had made the decision for us.

    We had many family and friends around us that judged us harshly for our actions.  But we pushed on through.  Eventually, everyone came together and we made it all work.

    Beth and I went to a couple more concerts together in the following few years.  When Eddie, the love of her life, chose a model to be his wife and mother of his children, it seemed that things changed for her.  That last concert we went to in Cleveland, sometime around 2004, was amazing for us both but probably a turning point as well.  Her boyfriend, John, went with us.  He had to buy a ticket that day, though, and sat higher up.  Beth and I were on the floor, the two tickets I purchased through the Ten Club.  He came at the last minute because he was originally from Cleveland and wanted to go to this place that had good pastrami sandwiches, I believe.  So Beth asked if he could come along.  On the car ride we talked about the DaVinci Code movie that was coming out, based off the books.  I went to go see it a couple weeks later.  I also saw V for Vendetta that same day.

    Beth and I kept in touch for a couple years but not like it was.  She sent me a writing one time about feeling like Batman.  I think she was doing a lot of writing then.  Before I knew it, she had met this guy, Scott, and they got married and had twins.  Facebook became the venue where all of our old school friends were sharing pictures of their babies and interacting.  We were all starting families.  I always felt like she could have pursued her dreams though.  In a parallel universe, I do believe she did.  I still remember one phone conversation where she said that Eddie was going to be 54 when she finally got to be with him.  Crazy, huh?  Like her and her people were some kind of time travelers.

    Anyway, its all in the past now.  In another universe, I do believe she finally got to be with Eddie, the love of her life, if only for a short time.
    Post edited by pickupyourwill on
  • pickupyourwillpickupyourwill Posts: 3,135
    My ex-husband brought up the idea of going to Bourbon and Beyond.  It was not my idea.  I have paid heavily for consequences that were not mine.  I have done my sentence but committed no crime.

  • pickupyourwillpickupyourwill Posts: 3,135
    edited September 16
    A person could not have been in love with Eddie any more than I was up to that point....a lifetime of love for that man.  They put my heart on the line and abused it. I did not let anybody drown in the river.  I did not even know how the river worked at that point.  I still don't.  I was mislead by thieves, demons and witches.  I was used as bait to hook him...bait, hook and switch...that's what they did...and then they frame innocent lives and try to rewrite the story to suit their own needs.

    Could it have been the work of Scientology shape-shifters?  Could it have been the craft of the demons, gypsies and witches that put new energy into vessels like in the movie The Skeleton Key?  The way the Trump era demonized much of America, one could see how this evil was on the rise.  Everyone seemed to be a victim.  Everyone had made a wish or a deal with his cronies without even knowing about it.  Some were more obvious than others.  It was also like the Wonder Woman movie 1984, and the classic novel, 1984.  The movie The Fifth Wave with the tumor like things behind the eye that had tentacles.  All these movies and scenarios were happening at once, like someone had opened a Pandora's box somewhere, or as if we had been invaded by AI.
    Post edited by pickupyourwill on
  • pickupyourwillpickupyourwill Posts: 3,135
    They stole him from me.
  • pickupyourwillpickupyourwill Posts: 3,135
    edited August 7
    My dad was lying dead on the floor from a heart attack for days and didn't show up to our Christmas party.  When I tried to leave the party to go and check on him because I could feel that something was wrong, they told me not to.  They were going to check on him the next day.  It was about an hour and a half drive down there and they were going to a soccer game down that way the next morning.  They ignored my instincts.  I had a feeling something was wrong all week.  They ignored every one of my cries.  I had a dream that my old friend Sarah was fleeing the scene.  They ignored that.  His door was unlocked.  The people on the scene said there were no signs of intrusion or him being hurt.  They deemed it a legit heart attack.  We never had an autopsy done.  I let them take the lead because I was in complete and utter shock for weeks straight.  I was grieving.  I was mourning.  I was so angry at all of them for putting him into such a deep depression.  I hated them so much for such a long time.  I was the only one that cared about my dad.  The rest of them only saw him as a burden.

    About a month ago, one of them brought up a foreign country where they all seem to be in agreement that 70 year olds should walk off a cliff to their death so that the younger generations don't have to take care of them.  It seems that the elderly are in agreement on that as well there.  I find it horrific and appalling.  The elderly are not a burden.  The younger generation needs to be reminded of this.  They could learn a lot from their wisdom.
    Post edited by pickupyourwill on
  • pickupyourwillpickupyourwill Posts: 3,135
    edited September 16
    My first Pearl Jam concert was the summer of 1997, right after I graduated.  I believe it was with Hollie.  I always thought it would be with Beth, but she dropped me for others through high school.  I was invited to go to one in Chicago around my freshman or sophomore year, around age 15 or 16, with my brother and his girlfriend, Angie, at the time.  I turned them down because it didn't feel right without Beth.  Pearl Jam was our junior high obsession and I always thought my first PJ concert would be with her somehow.  I was so loyal.  Little did I know how badly she would screw me over in the decades to come.

    I did end up seeing a PJ concert with her later that summer.  When we were out of high school, she started hanging out with me again and the obsession came back.  Also, their music evolved in such an amazing way.  Each cd was mind-blowing.  It seems like every two years there would be a new cd and I'd go to a concert with either her or others.  I always felt like it was leading up to something.  I was holding onto a loss of innocence too.  That junior high era for me had so much hope and potential for the future.  There was still a sense of purpose and good vibes all around.  Those formative years had a huge chunk of Pearl Jam influence, plus the fact that Eddie reminded me of my old dad and brother from before the divorce, when I was eleven.  It wasn't just Beth's influence.  It was a sense of the past trauma.   I would not understand this till later in life.  The song Daughter rang true for so many reasons. 

    So much of it I identified with naturally as if God sent her to show me where old kindred spirits may have gone.  They were still connecting with me.

    I have seen Pearl Jam about ten times in concert in my life.  I do not have many of the ticket stubs anymore.  It all felt like it was leading up to something.  
    Post edited by pickupyourwill on
  • pickupyourwillpickupyourwill Posts: 3,135
    edited September 16
    Hollie told me at my dad's funeral that our old co-worker, Eric G., from the pharmacy, had been caught with child porn on his computer.  When I asked Heather about it later that month, she said that Holly was misinformed.
    Post edited by pickupyourwill on
  • pickupyourwillpickupyourwill Posts: 3,135
    edited September 16
    About a year before the 2016 election, at a Christmas party, my sister-in-law, Kelly, and my step-dad, Marv were already talking about Trump running. My Uncle Dan, Aunt Nancy's husband, was sending out e-mails to people talking about a candidate having an abrasive nature and maybe not always having the best hygiene (like my dad), but he got the job done.  It didn't matter where the money came from or if you were following him to hell (like my psychiatrist most recently said), they were determined to get their Trump in there.  It seems he had already built up an empire of followers at that point and people like the Fox network and Rush Limbaugh just fueled the fire.  

    It was hard to watch it unfold.  I tried to speak up many times.  They would not listen.
    Post edited by pickupyourwill on
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