new meaning to the song "alive" for me

robowski

After my grandmother's funeral last week, I drove my father back home and we were alone for awhile before the rest of the family returned. When we arrived at home, he asked me into his den and told me to sit down. He told me he had something important to tell me and this was something that he wanted to keep quiet within the immediate family. He told me that my grandmother was taken advantage of at the age of 23 by a local constable (policeman) and he was the result of that relationship. He told me that his father had never had any contact with him and was now deceased. He also said that this conversation did not need to be brought up again and this was the last time that we needed to speak of this matter.

Wow! I was shocked - I had been told as a child that my grandfather had died when my father was four years old! (actually he was speaking of his grandfather - my great grandfather). And now I come to find out 30 years later that my family tree has another branch. I have some cousins out there that I never knew existed - my dad said it was pointless to try to contact them as his real father was married at the time he took advantage of my grandmother and would have nothing to do with her once she became pregnant.

I am not sure how to feel - I feel like everything i have come to know is all a lie. And i am so confused about why this was kept from me ? I could tell from my father's voice that this was something that had haunted him his whole life and I didn't want to go off on him because he is the one who had to deal with this. I may not be happy with the way he dealt with it and kept it from me all these years - but in some ways it makes me pity him and appreciate him more as a father. Because he was a good father to me - i respect him for that but i have some lingering pain about the lie I was told. So you can say there's new meaning to the song "Alive" for my family now - I will never listen to it the same way again. The words have more meaning now.

Clarissa

I can somewhat relate to your pain, the 1st time I ever heard "Alive" back in 92 I was pretty shook up. I found out when I was only 12 years old that the man I had believed to be my dad my whole life (which was only around for 6 years before mom divorced him & was an alcholic that beat us) was in fact NOT my father, the way I found out was pretty messed up too, would have never found out if it hadn't slipped out & happened like it did. My family would never talk to me about it at all, I never laid eyes on my real father until I was 21 years old & have 1 other sister & 2 brothers that I met then also, which was also only by pure fate once again that it happened, they are all long stories. I spent my whole life from the time I found out at 12 years old trying to deal with this huge lie & hurt plus the pain of not knowing even what your father looks like much less anything else about him or your other siblings. I still don't have a relationship with any of them. It is a pain only a person who has experienced can relate to, you are only the 2nd person I've ever heard of besides Eddie Vedder himself who knows somewhat how I feel. I love the song "Alive" cuz it let me know someone else out there felt my pain too & I was not alone, I also love "Rear View Mirror" which I relate too well also cuz of my step dad. So I feel ya!!

catefrances

i can totally imagine how he felt. my da discovered he was adopted when he was 16. apparently all hell broke loose(so i'm told). however he didnt feel the need to impart this knowledge to us(his children) until last year. tis something i thought we(his children) should have been told many years ago. his reasoning was that he didnt want us treating our grandmother any differently while she was alive because of it.(she died dec 06) that would not have happen but i guess i can understand his reticence. when he did tell me i felt a part of my being died. i identified so much with his side of the family that i felt a little lost and unsure of who i was. but it also explained so much to me that i always wondered about. my grandmothers attitude towards us, my father's insistance that family is everything and the only thing you can rely on. perhaps even why i didnt feel close to my grandmother.i hadnt seen her for maybe 15/16 years and i never saw her before she died.
i havent really spoken to my da about this revelation.(it's been 8 months) but i feel i really need to so, so that i can understand with more clarity where he came from and where i come from.

from the beginning i'd always felt a deep connection with alive. now i guess i kinda understand why.