<b>BLACK</b>
CrashedHard
Posts: 1
BLACK:
I'm 39 years old. I remember when PJ came onto the scene. Big hair bands were fading out and they were something new... it was PJ, Nirvana, and Soundgarden.
I was with my girlfriend of six years, I knew her since high school. We were expecting a baby in May of 1993. I was 26 and she was 29.
In the last couple months of the pregnancy, she moved back into her mother's house; we weren't getting along at the time... we still talked, but she was drifting further away from me every day it seemed.
On May 5th, 1993, I got a call from her aunt. I was at work. Her aunt told me that she (my girlfriend) was in the hospital and I should start heading that way. Her water had broken. I called the hospital to let her know I was on my way... it was all a blur from there.
I remember that there was something wrong. I don't remember exactly what was said. I don't remember and I wish I did, all I knew is that I needed to get there as soon as I could.
She was in labor. I got to the hospital in 12 minutes. Our son died before he could be born.
I was with her through the rest of the labor. The doctor refused to take the baby by caesarian because it was not now necessary, so she had to keep pushing.
Afterward, the nurse cleaned him up and we got to spend a little time with him. She held him and just looked at him and touched his face and his tiny hand while she sat in the hospital bed. After a while she quietly asked me if I wanted to hold him. I said "no." She told me that I should and if I didn't, I would probably not be able to forgive myself for that. She was right.
I took Christian and held him while I sat in a chair. I just rocked back and forth with him for a while and touched his soft little face and tiny little hand. I was there for a while; I had to be because after she spoke to me, I realized I wouldn't have this chance again.
The thing I remember the most about those moments was taking him by the window. We were on the 5th floor of the hospital and it was late in the afternoon. There were a lot of puffy clouds with breaks where the sun would come through. The only thing I could give to him was to hold him and wait for the sunshine to break through the clouds and shine on his face. I did this.
We had a funeral for Christian Gabriel B.W. on May 8th, 1993. I think that was the last time I saw her... She didn't want me in her life after that.
It's so sad because she had this little life inside of her that she knew. He would wake her up in the middle of the night. He would be moving and jabbing at her from the inside. I even felt him kick my hand a few times. He was a real little person to both of us.
Maybe its selfish for me to think this; but for her, she lost her son. For me, I lost him and her both. Please don't judge harshly for the way I think about this.
Black. These days were just that. For years after that, I would hear that song and not just cry, but fully weep. It would usually come on when the lyrics "I know some day you'll have a beautiful life. I know you'll be a star in someone else's sky, but why can't it be mine?"
Today, I'm married, I have a great wife and two beautiful children; a girl and a boy. But I still think about her from time to time, and every time I hear "Black," I wonder if she's OK, and think about our son.
I'm 39 years old. I remember when PJ came onto the scene. Big hair bands were fading out and they were something new... it was PJ, Nirvana, and Soundgarden.
I was with my girlfriend of six years, I knew her since high school. We were expecting a baby in May of 1993. I was 26 and she was 29.
In the last couple months of the pregnancy, she moved back into her mother's house; we weren't getting along at the time... we still talked, but she was drifting further away from me every day it seemed.
On May 5th, 1993, I got a call from her aunt. I was at work. Her aunt told me that she (my girlfriend) was in the hospital and I should start heading that way. Her water had broken. I called the hospital to let her know I was on my way... it was all a blur from there.
I remember that there was something wrong. I don't remember exactly what was said. I don't remember and I wish I did, all I knew is that I needed to get there as soon as I could.
She was in labor. I got to the hospital in 12 minutes. Our son died before he could be born.
I was with her through the rest of the labor. The doctor refused to take the baby by caesarian because it was not now necessary, so she had to keep pushing.
Afterward, the nurse cleaned him up and we got to spend a little time with him. She held him and just looked at him and touched his face and his tiny hand while she sat in the hospital bed. After a while she quietly asked me if I wanted to hold him. I said "no." She told me that I should and if I didn't, I would probably not be able to forgive myself for that. She was right.
I took Christian and held him while I sat in a chair. I just rocked back and forth with him for a while and touched his soft little face and tiny little hand. I was there for a while; I had to be because after she spoke to me, I realized I wouldn't have this chance again.
The thing I remember the most about those moments was taking him by the window. We were on the 5th floor of the hospital and it was late in the afternoon. There were a lot of puffy clouds with breaks where the sun would come through. The only thing I could give to him was to hold him and wait for the sunshine to break through the clouds and shine on his face. I did this.
We had a funeral for Christian Gabriel B.W. on May 8th, 1993. I think that was the last time I saw her... She didn't want me in her life after that.
It's so sad because she had this little life inside of her that she knew. He would wake her up in the middle of the night. He would be moving and jabbing at her from the inside. I even felt him kick my hand a few times. He was a real little person to both of us.
Maybe its selfish for me to think this; but for her, she lost her son. For me, I lost him and her both. Please don't judge harshly for the way I think about this.
Black. These days were just that. For years after that, I would hear that song and not just cry, but fully weep. It would usually come on when the lyrics "I know some day you'll have a beautiful life. I know you'll be a star in someone else's sky, but why can't it be mine?"
Today, I'm married, I have a great wife and two beautiful children; a girl and a boy. But I still think about her from time to time, and every time I hear "Black," I wonder if she's OK, and think about our son.
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