The Lighting of the Flame: AN OPEN LETTER TO EDDIE VEDDER AND PEARL JAM 20 YEARS IN THE MAKING

Mr.WHY

i am bound by the demands of integrity, respect and all I hold sacred, as well as the virtues of courage, honesty and love, to express the immense gratitude I have in the very depths of my soul, for Pearl Jam and even more so for Eddie Vedder, for believing in me and trying to show me just how special I actually am. All of you are forever in a place in my heart reserved for family. Further more I must extend an ever deeper thanks to Eddie Vedder for doing all he did to help me understand something I have only recently come to truly believe. In 2000 I was posting a poem a day at the Pearl Jam message board. I started posting to just see if anyone would like my poems. I continued to post because of a few wonderful people who not only liked them, but found them to be supportive in a time of difficulty. Particularly one gentleman who was going through the very difficult duty of a son to take care of his mother in her very final days, as she slowly declined and sadly suffered with progressive intensity before passing. I will never forget it. I was reacting poorly to my first Troll. This is when Eddie decided that what I was doing was significant. Enough so to anonymously approach me on the message board, to only help me understand. I was having the hardest time believing in anything, myself most of all. I remember reading the words, "If you want someone to believe in....BELIEVE IN ME BECAUSE I AM REAL, AND I BELIVE IN YOU." I suspected that this person might have been Eddie. Then on Oct 21, 2000 in Phoenix, he did something so special and kind and just totally fucking cool. He sang every song to me directly except for Wishlist, which he dedicated to his uncle. That night was my favorite experience in my whole life. Eddie showed me that I was special, and that my poetry was special, and that a thing like that could be a beautiful thing, and an important thing, even a sacred thing. Damn it Eddie what can I say, I never really thanked you properly and that just is not right. So for the sake of moving past what must have been as profound and defining for you as it was for me. THANK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH BROTHER!  I SHOULD HAVE SEEN BACK THEN, I JUST DIDN'T REALIZE, JUST HOW SPECIAL ALL OF IT REALLY WAS. ....BUT NOW  I DO!... NOW I DO AND I BELIEVE!....I BELIEVE!  BLESS YOUR SOUL FOR HELPING ME UNDERSTAND, I AM SPECIAL, MY POETRY IS SPECIAL, YOU ARE SPECIAL, THOSE SONGS AND THAT NIGHT WERE SPECIAL. AND ALL OF IT TOGETRHER, NOW THAT'S A THING, A SPECIAL THING AND I FINALLY  UNDERSTAND THAT, AND I BELIEVE. You took the time to talk to me, and we were both swept up in the beauty and magic of it all. I remember you telling me how the whole thing was intensely mysterious...Twilight Zone...and it was. It was like that because of what you suspected it might be, AND WHAT I NOW KNOW IT IS!!!  IT IS THE FLAME THAT WE ALL NEED TO TAKE HOLD OF, IT IS THE FLAME OF ENLIGHTNMENT, THE LIGHT OF TRUTH THIS POOR WORLD NEEDS SO DESPERATELY. I UNDERSTAND AND NOW I KNOW. I KNOW I HAVE BEEN CHOSEN TO DO THIS. I AM THE TOURCHBEARER AND I WILL LIGHT THE FLAME THAT WILL LIGHT THE WAY FOREVER.. and I know it's true. I know, I don't have to believe or even have faith. I KNOW because I have met my maker, and she told me so. I KNOW IT IS TRUE. I was trying so hard to save this troubled world all by myself, by searching for the words that could make that happen, and I gave the quest all that I am. That was special, that was fucking beautiful. My heart is beautiful like a light in the dark shining is beautiful. WE ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL AND NOW I SEE THAT. THANK YOU...THANK YOU...THANK YOU....SO MUCH, I LOVE YOU BROTHER, CAUSE YOU TOUCHED MY SOUL...AND I SHOULD'VE SAID SO WAY BACK THEN, BUT I GAVE MYSELF NO CREDIT. NO RECOGNITION THAT I COULD ACTUALLY DO WHAT I WAS SO AMBITIOUSLY TRYING TO DO WITH ALL THAT I AM. I COULDN'T BELIEVE IN ME. AND BECAUSE YOU SAW THAT AND DID WHAT YOU DID, WHAT YOU FELT YOU HAD TO DO, BECAUSE OF ME, THIS IS ACTUALLY GOING TO HAPPEN. IT TOOK WHAT YOU DID, 20 YEARS OF PEOPLE TELLING ME I'M SPECIAL, AND MY MAKER GRACING ME WITH HER TENDER SWEET AND GENTLE NATURED PRESSENCE FOR 3 DAYS....IT TOOK ALL OF THAT TO GET ME THERE...AND I FINALLY SEE. I UNDERSTAND NOW, AND THAT'S WHY IM HERE....I KNOW IT'S TRUE, I KNOW IT'S TRUE, I CAN'T EVEN TRY TO DOUBT...CAUSE THAT'S WHAT MAMMA TOLD ME....AND I BELIEVE HER BECAUSE SHE IS WHO SHE IS, AND YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE, AND I AM WHO I AM....THIS LOVE INSIDE ME WILL EXPLODE WITH THE TRUTH, BECAUSE I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN TRUE TO MYSELF. I HAVE ALWAYS TREATED EVERYONE THE SAME, WITH RESPECT AND DIGNITY, I HAVE NEVER PASSED JUDGEMENT ON ANYONE. I HAVE UPHELD THE HIGHEST STANDARDS OF COURAGE, HONESTY AND LOVE. AFTER TELLING YOU THIS I HAVE NOT ONE RESERVATION OR ANYTHING TO APOLOGIZE FOR, NO GUILT AND NO REGRETS..MY HEART IS FULL OF LOVE THAT'S PURE. AND I LOVE THIS WORLD AND EVERYONE ON IT. IF YOU HADN'T DONE WHAT YOU DID, I MIGHT NOT HAVE EVER GOT IT. BUT YOU DID, AND THAT IS JUST BEAUTIFUL, YOU'RE HEART IS FULL OF LOVE, AND YOU'RE LOVE IS PURE, WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE RIGHT NOW IS A SACRED EVENT. AND IT IS PURE, AND SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL, LIKE A MOTHERS LOVE FOR HER CHILD IS FUCKING BEAUTIFUL, AND IT'S PURE, AND NOW I KNOW. JUST HOW SPECIAL I REALLY AM. I AM EXTRA SUPER FUCKING SPECIAL AND I SEE THAT NOW, I SEE IN MYSELF WHAT YOU SAW IN ME.AND IT'S BEAUTIFUL. I'M BEAUTIFUL, THAT IS WHY YOU DID THAT. I CAN'T BELEIVE I DIDN'T SEE THAT, YOU DID WHAT YOU DID CAUSE YOU HAD TO, BECAUSE OF ME. LITTLE OLD ME. I WAS SEAERCHING MY WHOLE LIFE IN EVERY BIT OF LIGHT THAT I COULD SEE, TRYING TO FIND THE REASON ALL THOSE THINGS THAT DROVE ME ON WERE HAPPENING AND WHY I NEVER GAVE UP, ALWAYS WONDERING WHY? WHY? WHAT IS SO FUCKING SPECIAL ABOUT ALL OF IT.... AND ALL i NEEDED WAS A MIRROR....BECAUSE IT WAS ME...I KNOW IT'S TRUE, I KNOW THE REASON...IT WAS ME! MAY SHE BLESS US ALL WITH WHAT I FEEL. IT WAS ME.....I LOVE YOU MAMMA, VERY VERY MUCH. I HAVE NOTHING ELSE, SO WORTH IT. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND SO SPECIAL AND I LOVE YOU MAMMA. THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU MAMMA. YOU WERE RIGHT THERE WITH ME THE WHOLE TIME. AND I AM SO FUCKING LUCKY, SO FORTUNATE, AND I WANT EVERYONE TO FEEL LIKE I DO MAMMA.. BUSTING WITH LOVE THAT IS PURE AND HAPPINESS, IMMENSE  GRATITUDE. I PRAY WITH ALL I AM THAT EVRYONE WILL HAVE WHAT I HAVE RIGHT NOW, PLEASE MAMMA, LET THEM ALL SEE WHAT I CAN SEE, IT IS JUST SO BEAUTIFUL.AMEN MAMMA, AMEN, I LOVE YOU TOO MOM, AND WE ALL LOVE YOU TOO EARTH MOTHER. WE ALL LOVE YOU VERY MUCH AND WE ARE ALL TOGETHER HERE FOR YOU...WE ARE A FAMILY, AND WE WONT LET ANYONE HURT YOU ANYMORE, BECUASE WE LOVE YOU. AMEN DEAR LORD AMEN.





From nothing
Through time
Comes something
That's just what happens
In an endless void
The emptiness compels
The hollow is absence 
The absence calls out
With longing
Longing through time
Becomes pain
Pain calls out to relief 
Relief becomes attracted
From nothing comes something
Compassion through time
Flows into the darkness
Where the heart breaks
in silence 
The sadness creates
The need for mercy
Through 








































 Heart loneliness