****LOVE REIGN O'ER ME**** (An open wish for Padova or Prague)

Stereotype

I have long contemplated whether I should write this down or not, partly because I do not feel entitled to request anything from the band and secondly, because I am exposing myself openly, something I normally have difficulties with.

I am yet another daughter who lost her musician dad due to suicide. He was a self-thought keyboard and organ player, a walking Encyclopaedia of rock music. The happiest I have seen him was behind keyboards or organs ..or  listening to the "music" made by the waves of Mediterranean sea. He loved breaking down pieces of songs to me, even when I was a very young girl. We bonded though music and had endless discussions about it. I was always eager to present "my bands" and hear what he had to say about them. Pearl Jam was and is "my band", one that found me and was a band that my dad did not hand down to me (like Led Zeppelin etc for example). My last PJ concert was Vienna 2014 and I vividly remember how thoughtfully he listened to what I had to say about the three concerts I attended. Much to my surprised he said he might check them out if they play close to Slovenia again. It would be very special for me to see Pearl Jam with my life-and-music mentor. But just 2 months later - he was gone. I could hardly listen to music. The pain. He was in almost every song. What was my release and harbour, turned into a torture. The pain pierced me like a knife cuts into flesh, butchering my most inner me, leaving it exposed for new pain. But here I am four years later, a mom now - having a precious daughter he would have been a perfect grandfather to. I sometimes imagine his warm eyes proudly looking at her, while she is punching the xylophone (being under 2) with such rhythmic accuracy and feeling. Dear Pearl Jam, I wish I could return the gift you gave me unknowingly but I can't or know how to. Instead I am sharing a frail piece of me (and a little music that is as mine as it can be - see P.S. part)....
It would be really special to hear "Love Reign O'er Me" in Padova or Prague that I am attending. While it might be a little perverse to request a song that is not your song, I wish for this one because a) it has keyboards in it b) my dad was a fan of The Who from his teen years c) it was raining heavily on the night he took his life (and needless to say - I absolutely love your version of it).
Looking insanely forward to hear you live soon (regardless of whether you play LROM or not), I'll try not to cry - but I usually fail .

Barbara 

P.S. After his death I have released a (demo instrumental) CD entitled Incomplete from the songs found on his MP3 player - it was his way of saying goodbye. They are melodies the way they were found - raw, not mixed in a studio. He always wanted to have an official record of his work, with vocals and all and in the inlay of the record I explain what was my cue to release a small portion of them. The story about his death and his goodbye songs gives a bit more context so I am attaching an intro text from the inlay (and if somebody is curious you can listen to the tracks here.)

CD INLAY:
He was found on 15th of August, meaning that he was dead for two days without anyone knowing, which still makes me uneasy on many levels. When I got the call that he was missing, I knew. I knew what he did and I knew where. My dad. An immediate void. My life split into before and after. But I understand. He had to go. The sadness that came over me will always linger and there is the horror of all these people - who are just not him. 

There was a wooden Dalecarlian horse found by his side, the one I bought for his birthday while I was studying in Sweden. I told him about the tradition and the meaning of this horse. I remember him saying he is going to have it for safe travels. And so he did, even for his final journey. The horse was with me when I scattered the ashes in the sea that he loved so much. He taught me to appreciate nature in all its richness... but his greatest love which he passed onto me, was without a doubt - music.

He died with music playing in his ears. There were three folders on the MP3 player found by his body. One contained songs from his beloved group SMAK. Then there was a folder with carefully selected songs, which I believe, were chosen for their lyrics. (A Whiter Shade of Pale - Procol Harul, Dream On - Aerosmith, Nights in White Satin - Moody Blues, Hallelujah - Leonard Cohen, On My Way - Rival Sons, Necu da ispadnem zivotinja - Riblja Corba, Simple Man - Lynard Skynyrd, The Joker - Steve Miller Band, All I Need Is The Air That I Breathe - The Hollies, Women have a way with a fool - Coco Montoya). An explanation of a kind. 

The third folder contained 12 songs he composed on the keyboard. We talked for years that he should release his work and how I will do the design and compose lyrics in English. The thought intrigued and entertained him but the songs were never finished, not polished enough, and he kept changing and revising them melodically. Some melodies are as old as I am, some were composed in his later years (there are more than 70 all together). He also said it was impossible to pick ten or twelve songs and often asked me which ones sounded the best to me. When I stumbled on this folder it was therefore clear to me. He had made his choice. But they were not the songs I expected. Two were completely new, and from the arrangement it was clear to me that this was not his “best of” but songs expressing his feelings, a form of a goodbye “letter”.

I promised myself I would share them. For him, for all the people who loved and respected him. For me. A way of closure. 

It was a difficult, painful process that I postponed many times. The melodies speak to me, opening wounds. I had to make the design decisions without him, but the songs are untouched. He envisioned them with lyrics and vocals (with a David Bowie or Damir Urban kind of voice) and polished in the studio... I found some scribbles about CD in the lyrics folder that we had but I didn’t want to determine which lyrics went together with which song... I am attaching three that I know he liked best and would have made the cut. Three which he identified with and which align with the album theme scarily, even though I wrote them from a different perspective.

Dear dad, here it is... and you are not. Not finished, incomplete and abandoned by a restless soul, a dreamer. You despised obituaries and graveyards, so this can be something people go to when they think of you.

Know, you are a song threading my soul. I might forget certain words as time goes by, but the melody of you will always stay with me. Missing you endlessly,

oh, how I love you...

your Barbara 

PJNB

Sorry to hear about your loss. I hope you hear Boom hit those first couple of notes. 

Stereotype

Thanks a lot People in Facebook groups have a feeling it might get played in London. But a girl can dream..

javis el errante

This would be awesome Live bump!

Stereotype

Thanks! LROM is very demanding to sing...maybe wasn’t the best choice now in retrospective... wishing Eddie all the best and the freedom to do whatever it takes for a full recovery. Also a public humble and appreciative thank you for everyone who send me private messages. 

F Me In The Brain

I saw this thread pop and thought about how tough this song sounds to be on a singer's voice...but I am sorry to hear about your loss and would love for you to hear it.

It is pretty spectacular to hear, live!

Stereotype

Of course, I am very aware...Am leaving for Padova today. Excited and happy to have the opportunity to see them again (especially now that I am a mom, it is a little bit different to keep on rockin in the not-free-at-all world). 

Stereotype

Deep gratitude to PJ for yet again lighting the flame within me in Padova! LROM wasn't played (yet) but more importantly Eddie's voice is back! Can't wait for Prague!

helplessdancer

Stereotype said:

Deep gratitude to PJ for yet again lighting the flame within me in Padova! LROM wasn't played (yet) but more importantly Eddie's voice is back! Can't wait for Prague!

LOVE your positivity  good luck !