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... and the barrel waits...

abulrabulr Posts: 80
edited May 2017 in The Porch

23 years
23 years I had dreamt of this exact moment

And here I was, outside, having a smoke, and the only other person smoking next to me is Edward Louis Severson III. Four feet away, in a suit, like me. He was probably thinking, ‘why does this fool keep looking at me and smiling?’

The thing is, I pictured the moment very differently.
Maybe in some dive bar. Late one night. Drunk.
I had even planned it out.
I would first ask permission to speak to him.
Then, I would show him the picture on my phone. Of my daughter.
Then I would tell him that when I was 18 I has seriously contemplated taking my life one night.
The only saving grace… the only one I could related to… was the voice coming out of my stereo,
“Oh and the barrel waits, trigger shakes, aimed right at my head…
Won’t you help me? Help me from… MYSELF!!!”
I wanted to tell him that the picture of the beautiful girl he saw, of the happy man standing there, was all possible thanks to him. Just knowing that someone else felt the exact same way was enough.

But how does one say that to someone, when that person is being introduced to glad-hand the high-roller-donors at his wife’s charity?? It’s neither the time nor the place. I finished my smoke, and I went inside. I knew I had done the right thing. “It wasn’t the right moment.”

For the next few months as one celebrity after another kept passing, I kept regretting not having said anything. Few months later, through dumb luck I am literally standing next to Mike McCready, but he’s in mid conversation with friends and family, about to go into an elevator to the VIP area with Matt, Stone, and Jeff, right before the Hall of Fame.
So I kept my mouth shut.

I kept wondering, maybe I should write this in a letter and send a nice bottle of Barolo with it to TenClub in Seattle and maybe he would get it.

Then it hit me today.

I don’t need to do any of that. None of that matters. I am grateful.
But much more important to me, is to have the next 18yr old (or 81yr old) who feels lost or helpless, to know that there is someone else out there who felt the same way.

So I created
https://solat.blog

This site is in no way shape or form affiliated with Pearl Jam, and if anyone has any issues I will gladly change those images / references.

I am no web-designer. I am open to feedback/suggestions.
The site, like me, will always be a work in progress.
But it was the best way I could find to keep/allow for completely anonymous commentary.

I am not medically trained. But I am here. And this is for the Faithfull.

Maybe today, you look at someone famous and seemingly happy, whose own family didn’t know his inner struggles, and you think of your own struggles and inner demons…  just know…
Oh we all got scars, and we can help you too.

9/95 N.O. ; 9/96 Randall's 1&2 ; 9/98 Continental ; 9/98 - MSG 1 & 2 ; 5/00 - Wembley ; 8/00 - Jones Beach 1,2&3 ; 7/03 - MSG 1&2 ; 5/06 - Irving Plaza ; 6/06 - Continental 1&2 ; 6/08 - MSG 1&2 ; 6/08 - Beacon ; 10/09 - Spectrum 2&3 ; 05/10 - Prudential ; 05/10 - MSG 1&2; 10/13 - Barclays 1&2 ; 10/14 Memphis ; 9/15 Central Park; 4/16 Philly 2; 5/16 MSG 1&2; 5/16 QC; 8/16 Boston; 8/16 Chicago 1&2; 8/18 Seattle 1&2; 8/18 Boston
Post edited by abulr on

Comments

  • SJD3232SJD3232 Posts: 2,203
    abulr said:

    23 years
    23 years I had dreamt of this exact moment

    And here I was, outside, having a smoke, and the only other person smoking next to me is Edward Louis Severson III. Four feet away, in a suit, like me. He was probably thinking, ‘why does this fool keep looking at me and smiling?’

    The thing is, I pictured the moment very differently.
    Maybe in some dive bar. Late one night. Drunk.
    I had even planned it out.
    I would first ask permission to speak to him.
    Then, I would show him the picture on my phone. Of my daughter.
    Then I would tell him that when I was 18 I has seriously contemplated taking my life one night.
    The only saving grace… the only one I could related to… was the voice coming out of my stereo,
    “Oh and the barrel waits, trigger shakes, aimed right at my head…
    Won’t you help me? Help me from… MYSELF!!!”
    I wanted to tell him that the picture of the beautiful girl he saw, of the happy man standing there, was all possible thanks to him. Just knowing that someone else felt the exact same way was enough.

    But how does one say that to someone, when that person is being introduced to glad-hand the high-roller-donors at his wife’s charity?? It’s neither the time nor the place. I finished my smoke, and I went inside. I knew I had done the right thing. “It wasn’t the right moment.”

    For the next few months as one celebrity after another kept passing, I kept regretting not having said anything. Few months later, through dumb luck I am literally standing next to Mike McCready, but he’s in mid conversation with friends and family, about to go into an elevator to the VIP area with Matt, Stone, and Jeff, right before the Hall of Fame.
    So I kept my mouth shut.

    I kept wondering, maybe I should write this in a letter and send a nice bottle of Barolo with it to TenClub in Seattle and maybe he would get it.

    Then it hit me today.

    I don’t need to do any of that. None of that matters. I am grateful.
    But much more important to me, is to have the next 18yr old (or 81yr old) who feels lost or helpless, to know that there is someone else out there who felt the same way.

    So I created
    https://solat.blog

    This site is in no way shape or form affiliated with Pearl Jam, and if anyone has any issues I will gladly change those images / references.

    I am no web-designer. I am open to feedback/suggestions.
    The site, like me, will always be a work in progress.
    But it was the best way I could find to keep/allow for completely anonymous commentary.

    I am not medically trained. But I am here. And this is for the Faithful.

    Maybe today, you look at someone famous and seemingly happy, whose own family didn’t know his inner struggles, and you think of your own struggles and inner demons…  just know…
    Oh we all got scars, and we can help you too.

    Simply awesome.  I love this collective group of people.  We're so lucky to have each other. Well done!
  • abulrabulr Posts: 80
    thank you very much
    9/95 N.O. ; 9/96 Randall's 1&2 ; 9/98 Continental ; 9/98 - MSG 1 & 2 ; 5/00 - Wembley ; 8/00 - Jones Beach 1,2&3 ; 7/03 - MSG 1&2 ; 5/06 - Irving Plaza ; 6/06 - Continental 1&2 ; 6/08 - MSG 1&2 ; 6/08 - Beacon ; 10/09 - Spectrum 2&3 ; 05/10 - Prudential ; 05/10 - MSG 1&2; 10/13 - Barclays 1&2 ; 10/14 Memphis ; 9/15 Central Park; 4/16 Philly 2; 5/16 MSG 1&2; 5/16 QC; 8/16 Boston; 8/16 Chicago 1&2; 8/18 Seattle 1&2; 8/18 Boston
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