Why Pearl Jam Means So Much To Me

man_uv_the_hour

Why Pearl Jam Means So Much To Me



My name is Daniel and I'm 10 years old.
There's something wrong with me and I don't know how to explain it. The doctors say it's 'anxiety'. All I know is I can't sit in my classroom because I feel sick all the time. It's okay if you don't understand.
The good news is, I heard my big brother listening to a cool song. I think it's called 'Once' and it's my new favorite song.

Once upon a time I could control myself.


I'm 11 years old now and I've been put on medication, but I don't think it's helping. I feel sick when I sit in class and I have to leave school every day. All my friends make fun of me for it. But I get to stay home from school with my mom while she paints, and we listen to music together. She really likes a song called 'Who You Are'. I found the words on the internet and printed them out for her. I love this song. We sing it together.

Don't it make you smile?


I'm almost 12 years old and my dad just brought me and my brother to my first Pearl Jam show. There was a lot of people, but it's outside. We're far back and I can't see the band. But it's cool because I recognize a few songs like Daughter, Betterman and Alive.

Hm. I'm still alive.

I know you're singing about something else, but I need this right now.


I'm 14 and just started high school.. It's still difficult to stay in class, but now I have the choice to leave.. I try not to, but I usually do.. The Principal tells me I've missed too many days and I might as well not come back.

I'm questioning my education.


I'm 15 and I'm done with school now. The work was easy. It's being around people and stuck in a room that's hard. Pearl Jam just came to my city and I got to go to the show. We sat behind the stage. I thought it was cool, I dunno what everyone's complaining about.

All the friends and family, all the memories going 'round.


I'm 16 years old and it's getting harder to leave my house.. I don't really hang out with friends unless they come over.. The doctor upped my dosage. Again. But the panics are still getting worse.

I've been diagnosed by some stupid fuck. And I don't agree.


I'm 17 now and I don't really go out much anymore.. Pearl Jam is coming to my city, but I don't think I can go. I can barely walk to the end of my driveway without thinking I'm gonna pass out.. I can hardly breathe just thinking about the crowd..

Been a month since I heard myself talk.


I'm 18 and I wonder if my life will ever change.. Maybe things could be different if I hold on.. But this might be it.. I hope it's not, but they just keep giving me more pills and I still just keep getting worse.. I just found out my mom is sick.. Cancer... I wanna get a job so I can show her I'm gonna be okay.. Ya know, just incase... They say to be optimistic but I don't think she has very long..

I studied her face..The fear goes away..


I just turned 19.. My mom passed a few weeks ago.. I've been stocking shelves in a grocery store, doing overnights for 2 months. I still have these panic attacks but I make myself stay. Usually. I listen to every Pearl Jam album just about every night I'm there.

I'll wait up in the dark for you to speak to me.


20 years old and struggling through this overnight job.. The music is the only thing keeping me going..

I'm not the same without you here.


21 years old. I've been working this overnight job for about 2 years now. Always fighting the urge to run out of the store, but I think about my mom, and I win a good portion of my battles. I kinda just wanna stay long enough to hear Strangest Tribe.

After all, it's 6 AM I'm waiting for..


22 years old now. Pearl Jam is playing Bonnaroo. I've saved up enough money that I can rent a car and go there. Someone talks me out of it saying 'it'll just be a festival set..' ...I dunno if I would've gone anyway..
They played Who You Are and Down, 2 of my most favorite. Amongst others I've never gotten to see, and will probably never get to. It actually hurts a little bit because if I didn't have this problem, I would be there..

It's hard to imagine.


I'm almost 23 and my life is passing me by. Pearl Jam announced they're gonna close out the Philadelphia Spectrum with 4 shows where they're rumored to play through their whole catalogue. I really wanna go. Really. But I don't. As usual, I follow along each night as the setlists get updated every few minutes, and see all of the songs being played that I really wish I could see. And it hurts a little, because if I didn't have this problem, I would be there. Really.

I'm starting to believe that this hopeless situation is what I'm trying to achieve.

They came to my city and I got to see 1 show.. It wasn't easy, but I wouldn't let myself miss it. Panic attacks and Pearl Jam. But it was worth it.
I got to see Down.

I hope one day, the symptoms fade..


Almost 24 years old now and I just dealt with the next hardest loss of my life. My best friend, a pitbull named Dazey, who had slept in my bed with me for the last 7 years, had come to a point where she couldn't go on. As we lay in my bed and the doctor prepared the needle, I held her head deep in my arms. My fingertips, they closed her eyes. Literally. Of course we were listening to Around The Bend while this was happening. My 'white whale'.

But I think I've reached a breaking point. If I don't do something big now, I never will. I mentioned to a few friends that I wanna go to Alpine Valley for PJ20, but it pretty much got laughed off.. I didn't blame them. I had been laughing at myself too, up until this moment..

Well, I rented a car, packed a bunch of anxiety pills and drove with my brother 13 hours to Wisconsin. Well, he drove. I was taking pills and hyperventilating, trying not to pass out.. It was a long drive, but there was no way I was gonna get on a plane.. Probably ever..

The story of the weekend is a whole other story.. Let's just say, while popping pills and trying not to faint, I got to see 2 of the coolest shows ever, with a whole bunch of songs I thought I'd never get to see. Songs I had wished for.
I even got so lucky to see Who You Are, and sing it out once more for my mom.

I truly felt rewarded for my effort.

I've heard people say something about the journey being greater than the destination? Well, I think they were about equal.. And they were both life changing..

13 hours driving back, I didn't take any pills. I even drove the last 3 hours..

A week later, I went to 2 shows in Toronto, then Ottawa and Hamilton.
Things are changing.

Life comes from within your heart and desire.

man_uv_the_hour

Part 2..


I'm 24 now and I haven't been taking as many anxiety pills recently.. It's an art to live with pain.. Ever since doing all that traveling last year, whenever I'm faced with a difficult moment, I think back to being at Alpine Valley.. Not just seeing Pearl Jam, but the accomplishment of making it there, and getting through it.. But it's still hard..

Darkness comes in waves..

By the way, I finally taught myself everything I needed to know for my GED (high school equivalence), and actually did the 7 hours of exams. 90's across the board. I didn't like being considered a 'drop out'..


I'm 25 years old. Pearl Jam announced they'll be playing London and Wrigley Field. London would be easy enough, Chicago would be the challenge.
Actually, I lied. I've been having crippling panic attacks the last few months and have been taking more pills now than in the last year and a half. Even London will be a challenge. Hopefully manageable with pills, but I'll be home that night. Driving 9 hours to Chicago is a different story. But I didn't wanna miss such a special event.

Besides, if I can make it to Chicago and back, I won't ever need pills again! - is what I told myself...

It was brutally hot in Wrigleyville that day. Almost made you wanna pass out even if you weren't hyperventilating from anxiety caused by being so far from home and surrounded by thousands of people..

I'm sure everyone has their own crazy retelling of how that night went. I'll just say it was extra 'exciting' for me when I got separated from my friend during the rain delay, and his phone wasn't getting reception. So I was by myself, far from home, surrounded by people in a very stuffy, cramped stadium. I took a pill. An important one.

A big relief almost 3 hours later when we were allowed back on the field and returned to the same seats.

I was delirious by the end of it. We got back to the car and I pretty much passed out.. When I woke up, we were just a few hours from home.
I wonder if I'm cured now.

I think I'll throw these pills away.


I'm 26 years old. 3 years and Pearl Jam hasn't come back to my city but they just put out a new album. Closest they're coming is Pittsburgh and Buffalo. This'll be my first time traveling since I last took a pill. In Wrigley Field.
I put in a few hours driving on each trip. Feeling good.

And I listen for the voice inside my head.. Nothing.. I'll do this one myself.


I'm 27! 4 years and Pearl Jam still isn't coming around. They're going across the U.S. again, but closest they're coming is Detroit.. If that's what I gotta do..

This was a special trip.
I went with my awesome friend who understands my love for Pearl Jam, as well as the issues I deal with, and is down to drive with me to a show when he knows I have my mind set on it. I couldn't have made it to London, Chicago, or Buffalo without him, but going to Detroit was different.

This was the first time he didn't drive. I drove 4 and a half hours each way with him in the passenger seat, and I still haven't taken an anxiety pill since 2 years ago, standing in Wrigley Field.

If hope can grow from dirt like me, it can be done.


I'm 28. No plans of Pearl Jam coming around but they're about to do something huge called the Global Citizen Festival in Central Park and I gotta go.. My friend can't get time off work and my brother doesn't wanna drive that far. 'Just take a plane', he says. Yeah, let's 'just' do that.

To tell the truth, I had been thinking about it. But I'm not ready yet. I never will be. But I've been toying with the idea of it.

All the thoughts you never see, I am always thinking.

Is anyone ever really ready for anything? I was never gonna be ready for Wisconsin, Ottawa, Hamilton or London, definitely wasn't meant to make it to Chicago, and Pittsburgh and Buffalo were also tough. Detroit was too, but every single one of these trips has been a stepping stone towards something greater. And I'm not finished yet.

I've tasted a life wasted and I'm never going back again.

3 days before the show and no one to go with, I called my brother and told him we're flying to New York.

It's been almost 10 years since my mom died.
10 years since I couldn't walk to the end of my driveway.
And I just did something I truly thought I would never be able to do.
And I did it with no pills.

It's funny when things change so much, it's all state of mind.


Well, here we are. My name is Daniel Ginsberg and I just turned 29.

I dunno what the hell to even say..

Pearl Jam helped me change my whole life.. People tell me I did it myself.. But I know I needed something more..

They sometimes say the journey is greater than the destination.. You guys made it a pretty close call every time.. I don't know if I ever could've done this without you..

I dunno if I'm quite ready to fly around the world yet, but I'm gonna see as many shows as I can make it to.

And I doubt I'll ever get to see all the songs I want, but I consider myself lucky for what I've gotten.

As for now, a tour was just announced. I dunno if I'll be able to do any big trips, but I was able to get tickets for Ottawa, and finally, a long awaited 2 shows in my own city of Toronto.

The second night in Toronto on May 11th, 2016 will be my 22nd Pearl Jam show, and my first time in the pit.. I'm very excited.. And grateful.. For my life and the music that challenged me to change it.. I'll be there.. I might be anxious, maybe hyperventilating, but I'll be there..

And I'll just wanna scream hello..

Maybe you could say hi to me..

mfc2006

Wow.
Nice to meet you, man.

SmallestOceans

Just hang in there man. We all have our own battles. You're not alone. We all walk the long road.

FoxyRedLa

mfc2006 said:

Wow.
Nice to meet you, man.

man_uv_the_hour

Hey, thanks guys. Guess that show won't be the 11th though. Eagerly awaiting to hear when.

Pap

That's quite a story Daniel! Kudos to you for managing to overcome your personal hurdles!

pjalive21

Keep up the fight! Thanks for sharing your story

jened10

Thank you for sharing. You had me in tears. Especially with the loss of your best friend.
I'm so happy for you that this band changed your life many times. They have for me as well.

RiotZact

More people need to read this. I was having a very hard time fighting back tears in Burger King yesterday reading this. Amazing story.

jjflash

Daniel, thanks for sharing your story, grateful your world continues to expand and that you found the strength to throw those pills away. Hope you have a great time at your hometown shows. Long may you run

man_uv_the_hour

Thanks so much for reading this (I know it's longer than most people wanna read), and for your comments.. I feel like Pearl Jam gets more requests these days than messages of 'thanks'... They've helped a lot of people for a long time, probably more than they even know..
This is my little letter/story not only to show proper gratitude for an amazing band (my favorite, by far), but also to try to inspire a little bit as well..
Because time is long, and life is short. Begin to live while you still can!

PJNB

mfc2006 said:

Wow.
Nice to meet you, man.

korn-1

Great story, well written. Congrats Daniel, keep on rockin

23scidoo

Thanks for sharing this..keep on man..

Rozbr

Hello from Brasil ! Nice to meet you !

SVRDhand13

Beautifully written. Stay strong!

DavidD

Hope to see you rocking out in Toronto buddy.

jessebasi

See you in Toronto! Wonderful to see what good music can do.

Undrakan

Thanks for sharing. Reading your story is very uplifting. And is beautifully written.
Stay strong and Keep on rockin'!

Walking the miles

Wonderfully written, thank you for sharing Daniel. It was really you that did it. The band did inspire you though, as they inspire many of us. You inspire me to not let anything get in my way.
Funny, we've been to a lot of the same shows. Pretty cool. These shows can be such a cleansing experience. Hopefully I see you in Toronto, or Ottawa for that matter. Lol.

P34RL J4MM3R

I am so glad you are still ALIVE. Keep up the good work.

Magoo2

Daniel,
Your story brings me to tears. Both my kids, Max 16 and Katie 14, struggle with school. Max just dropped out at 16 due to the stress of feeling anxiety in the classroom. We are working on home schooling and getting a GED. Katie had her first bout of anxiety last fall and has been unable to go to school because she feels nauseous in the classroom and fears vomitting. We have gone to countless hours of therapy, seen different doctors and tried a few meds. We use music, Joel Osteen, Pearl Jam, Fishing, meditation, laughter, and anything else that works to battle the demons which cause this anxiety that keeps us from enjoying life. Anxiety is exhausting!!!! For me, Pearl Jam gets me throught the stress of feeling like I can't help my kids to deal with their anxiety. It is very painful as a mom.
I give you so much credit for not giving in and pushing yourself to get out there, even when something inside you tells you it is not the right thing to do - Keep battling those negative thoughts and put them in their place - the fucking trash. Reading your story really hits home when sometimes my husband and I get frustrated as to why the kids can't get to school. I have to remind myself that no one can know what it feels like unless they go through it, and it is very real.
I am positive your mother is with you everyday. Have faith that you can keep moving forward and be grateful for each day. God Bless You! Sue

Sarah

Phenomenal post. I, too, am an anxiety sufferer.
Thank you for telling your story so eloquently and honestly.

Undrakan

I hope to be able to express my feelings and troubles I have like you did. Be able to put in words what Pearl Jam means in my life and how grateful I am to Eddie and the band.
Thank you for sharing. Your force is very inspiring to keep strong.

P34RL J4MM3R

I still can't stop thinking about you and your amazing post. Haunting, Real, Powerful.
Thank you.

man_uv_the_hour

Wow, to be honest, I was nervous to even post this.. But such beautiful responses have made me glad I did. I really really appreciate the support, as well as connecting now with people who have been through something similar or know someone going through it.. I know it's really difficult to understand if you haven't really felt it yourself, and really, at 18, I considered my life to be over.. I don't even wanna say it, but I felt a lot of times like it wasn't even worth it to go through it anymore.. I was positive I was a hopeless case..
And now I'm here to say that anything is possible.. Even when you think it's not.. Especially when you think it's not..

Know one of the most important reasons I make myself go to these shows?
Not because other people told me I can't do it.

But because I keep telling myself I can't do it.

I don't mean to keep quoting lyrics, but one of the most helpful lines I get to sing along to is, 'it's funny when things change so much, it's all state of mind' ..

I don't say it in the letter, but I had tickets for Quebec too.. I didn't wanna mention it incase I chickened out..
But I went with my friend again.. While he sat in the passenger seat again (at my request), while I drove 9 hours to Quebec City.. What a feeling..

Again, I know it's hard to get if you haven't been through it, but 3 years ago, I could barely drive 5 minutes on the highway without going into a full panic where I'd have to get off at the next cut off..

Yesterday I did 9 hours.. (We split the all night drive back).. But I did 9 hours there with almost no anxiety.. Ok, I had a couple uncomfortable moments.. But I couldn't even believe how well it went.. Literally do not believe, as I lay in bed here, I've been awake for over 26 hours now, and (obviously) so happy that I made it to this show. Happy I made some more new friends (as I usually do at shows).. Very happy I got such a cool show, and you know, considering how crazy life is, and probably always will be, pretty happy about life in general.

And I want everyone to share this feeling with me. I think there's enough for everyone.

pjalive21

man_uv_the_hour said:

Wow, to be honest, I was nervous to even post this.. But such beautiful responses have made me glad I did. I really really appreciate the support, as well as connecting now with people who have been through something similar or know someone going through it.. I know it's really difficult to understand if you haven't really felt it yourself, and really, at 18, I considered my life to be over.. I don't even wanna say it, but I felt a lot of times like it wasn't even worth it to go through it anymore.. I was positive I was a hopeless case..
And now I'm here to say that anything is possible.. Even when you think it's not.. Especially when you think it's not..

Know one of the most important reasons I make myself go to these shows?
Not because other people told me I can't do it.

But because I keep telling myself I can't do it.

I don't mean to keep quoting lyrics, but one of the most helpful lines I get to sing along to is, 'it's funny when things change so much, it's all state of mind' ..

I don't say it in the letter, but I had tickets for Quebec too.. I didn't wanna mention it incase I chickened out..
But I went with my friend again.. While he sat in the passenger seat again (at my request), while I drove 9 hours to Quebec City.. What a feeling..

Again, I know it's hard to get if you haven't been through it, but 3 years ago, I could barely drive 5 minutes on the highway without going into a full panic where I'd have to get off at the next cut off..

Yesterday I did 9 hours.. (We split the all night drive back).. But I did 9 hours there with almost no anxiety.. Ok, I had a couple uncomfortable moments.. But I couldn't even believe how well it went.. Literally do not believe, as I lay in bed here, I've been awake for over 26 hours now, and (obviously) so happy that I made it to this show. Happy I made some more new friends (as I usually do at shows).. Very happy I got such a cool show, and you know, considering how crazy life is, and probably always will be, pretty happy about life in general.

And I want everyone to share this feeling with me. I think there's enough for everyone.

one victory at a time!!!

glad you went and enjoyed the show...killer set list!

Suziemay

Hi Daniel, nice to meet you. Thank you for sharing, was crying the whole time I was reading. You express your feelings so eloquently and I can immediately see how Pearl Jam resonates in your life so strongly from your choice of lyrics throughout.

And you went to Quebec City! That's so rad! It pretty much had the setlist of my dreams. Enjoy your upcoming shows, and keep on going to those shows and coming here to share. Lots of love

eaglefan03

Awesome story Thanks for sharing and we are all in this together it's what we make out of it and your doing awesome at it

Pap

man_uv_the_hour said:

And now I'm here to say that anything is possible.. Even when you think it's not.. Especially when you think it's not..