chasing them away....

catefrances

you know its been awhile since I wrote anything. oddly these past few years ive not felt motivated. to be honest, I haven't really liked who I was/am as a person and I think for some reason recently that has added up to monumental writers block. sure I start to write for fear of losing the ability but then I stop cause unlike me I don't have anything to say. I know there are one or two of you out there that find that difficult to believe cause you know me and there are others of you who know how prolific ive been in the past. I find myself somewhere I don't want to be. I find myself feeling angry one day, disconcerted the next, okay the day after but then questioning what exactly it is im doing and why I cant do what it is I want to do. well that last part is easy. the simple truth is I don't know what I want to do. I thought I did and multiple times ive tried travelling down that road only to come up against a roadblock that clearly tells me im going the wrong way. im 51 years old for fucks sake. im a mother and a grandmother. im smart, or so ive heard so why cant I figure it out? I have my theories, some ive touched on here... others ill keep to myself. the only thing that keeps my head barely above water is that I know I can write. I know I am a good writer. so why cant I write?

chadwick

excellent, cate. i guess this is it, writing, what you just shared. it's not easy. the same fear of losing the ability hammers away at creative folks, it's scary & hurts. it could be it isn't up to us

hedonist

I think you're not chasing them away, cate...at least by this. The rush of you. More like looking in.

Halfway through reading, I put on Free Man in Paris - Elton John's version at a tribute to Joni. Kind of how I've seen you over time - unfettered and alive.

Words like anything else can't be too forced, but know that even in your sense of writer's block (keep hitting those keys even if never seen by anyone else but you) your words and thoughts came through and are understood, because they're honest.

The up and down emotions thing? Ummm, you and I are about the same age. That fucking range of day-to-day (moment-to-moment?) perception and absorbing it. Got a love/hate thing with it these days.

I think it may just be life

catefrances

yes well life can fuck right off... im so over it. i used to think the reason im still here is cause theres stuff i still need to do. i no longer think that. you know when youre not sure if the milk has turned but it doesn't smell quite right so to be safe you tip it down the sink? im that milk. i don't even like milk.

Theia

I believe I understand what you are going through, catefrances. I am 53 and still don't understand what the fuck this is all about or what I am all about for that matter. I don't understand why it should matter so much anyway. I know not all people concern themselves with thoughts like these and I wonder why I do. They seem to be satisfied with their lives, or appear to be. I didn't write here for a while either (I used to be yellowbird and other assorted aliases) and I don't consider myself a writer at all. I just come here to express emotion when I need to get it out of my head.
Of course, no one can explain your writer's block, but I do hope you continue to come here to express your emotion as you did above.
by the way, this was great:
"you know when youre not sure if the milk has turned but it doesn't smell quite right so to be safe you tip it down the sink? im that milk. i don't even like milk."
chin up, young lady.

hedonist

I thought the Hokey Pokey is what it's all about

Do we ever really, fully, know life or ourselves, beyond a certain degree?

Don't know from here, but still - and thankfully - on the road to find out.

To butcher a line from Heaven and Earth, the path to nirvana is tricky and steep, but if you only walk on sunny days, you'll never reach your destination.

Good thoughts, cate.

catefrances

i am fully aware (most likely my most aware thought) that I think too much... even if I could change that, I wouldn't. it is so much a part of who I am its part of my DNA. I am also fully aware that there are people , both those who don't really know me and those whom ive allowed close to me who would consider that detrimental. I however see it as a strength... tho at times this strength is tested somewhat beyond my limits. I struggle with people. my judgement tells me to keep them at bay... my heart tells me I need them. every single time, my heart wins. and almost every single time my heart rips apart. im sure im not alone in this. and im sure like a lot of people I expect more from myself than im able to give. but it doesn't stop me trying... it doesn't stop me from thinking I can prove myself wrong. but what it is slowly stopping me doing is trusting people... which has always been difficult for me. yet still I allow myself to lay prostrate. sometimes I feel like im hammered to a cross awaiting benediction. but it never happens. my father once asked me if I thought myself dysfunctional. without a hesitant thought I replied no. but in my heart I knew I was. my father thought it was so too, cause otherwise why was I attracted to 'those sorts of people' he made me think, my dad....

chadwick

i like reading this honest stuff, cate.

catefrances

im grasping at straws... reaching out to something... anything... searching for what will buoy me. its why I travel... its an escape. I can be anonymous... tho to be honest I can be anonymous at home. in fact its a skill im perfecting... if I haven't already. sometimes when im walking through the city I wonder if people can see me. I feel detached from my surroundings and seriously wonder if im in an alternate universe. I haven't been on a decent walk at home for so long. I need to change that for starters. tomorrow. one foot in front of the other. observing. listening...smelling... hearing... seeing... it all comes to me.. becomes me...

Theia

"All truly great thoughts are conceived by walking."
- Friedrich Nietzsche

chadwick

beautiful personal stuff, cate. you're quite strong, what with releasing this & all.

edit

catefrances

decisions have been made and the past has been laid to rest uneasily. she steps out of the mire left treading carefully but determinedly. the path in front of her isn't totally clear but she can see far enough forward to cloud any doubt that she feels. she thinks of the difficulty she's had with locking gates behind her and the toll that's taken on a heart that screams for peace from a mind that fights all logic. but then she remembers, the heart, the soul, the mind... they're all connected... there is no logic there, nor should there be. well maybe there is in the mind, she's still trying to figure that one out. but for her, logic is for things, not feelings. and she'd rather have a lifetime of feeling than a house full of things.

rollings

would she?

catefrances

she would

Attaway77

I've been writing since I was 15 or so.. I have a box full of numerous notebooks, napkins, torn up pieces of paper, anything random I could write on. I eventually stopped writing pen to paper (wish I wouldn't have) and started writing on the computer. I have over 3,000 writings saved just to my computer. I guess my point is this, there really never has to be a reason or time to write, when you feel it, write it and leave it be when your done. That's true expression in the beauty of words. I don't write as often as I use too, but I still thrown down some words when I feel it. That's life right? Not everything is meant to be explained to talked about in conversation, sometimes it's best just put to paper (or computer I guess). I know none of this makes sense and I apologize, but writing is something I strongly believe in, just thought I would chime in.

catefrances

i'm 20000 words into the story i'm working on atm I know my biggest enemy is a lack of discipline so i'm working on that. we'll see how it all goes.

catefrances

she smiles at the memories,
of what could've been
she laughs at her recollection,
at her naivety
it was never what she wanted,
it was never going to be
but still she likes to fool herself
about what couldve been.

catefrances

my need to write is like my need to drink. my need to drink is to dull the part of my mind that tells me I don't want to.. that I don't belong... the part that wakes up every morning disappointed looking through eyes that don't quite comprehend what they're seeing as if a quantum leap has been taken into another body. my mind glazes over as I wonder where I am and why am I. yesterday I woke up after almost 9 hours of undisturbed sleep .. talk about unheard of without the help of booze or sex. no sun peeping through my window, no birdsong, no fighting dogs, no need to pee pre dawn woke me. and I didn't dream either. it wasn't a case of me simply forgetting what I dreamt... I simply didn't dream. of course this morning I was awake with the sun and the sound of fighting dogs.

catefrances

see me standing arms outstretched
welcoming the coming day
hear me listen to songs unsung
telling me to stay
I cock my head
shrug my shoulders
wonder at the noise
the memories in my head have become
and know the need to lay them at rest
the sun it warms my heart, my soul
the breeze keeps me alert
the little voice inside my head
whispers, are you staying?

justam

Cate, you've inspired me to comment.

I like this latest contribution (up above ^^^) very much!!

catefrances

well you know me anne, if I allow them the thoughts in my head will drown me. its time to step aside and let them crash to the ground.

Godfather.

go for a walk and pay close attention to people and things around you, look into the life they display in their eyes and smiles or frowns, these things open new experiences in my imagination and thoughts, maybe it will help you ?

Godfather.

catefrances

Godfather. said:

go for a walk and pay close attention to people and things around you, look into the life they display in their eyes and smiles or frowns, these things open new experiences in my imagination and thoughts, maybe it will help you ?

Godfather.

Thanks GF... aside from when I'm at work which requires me to interact with the people and which takes all my will to do, people watching and environment observation is what I do. It's my own private non verbal non contact interaction with the people. I've been lost for a little while now always looking to escape... problem is I'm trying to escape myself and that's not going so well. I know(cause I try to convince myself) I'll get there... When I figure out what there is. When my mind stills itself I'll stop running and making ridiculously non beneficial decisions... Or should that be the other way around.

catefrances

4 days in Hell-A
a night at the Greek with my elvis
hours lost in bliss
corner of spring and 5th
so many books so little time
nights spent with ghosts
days spent on my feet
looking up, looking through
seeing if la cienega really does smile
searching for mr gehry
sunset, book soup, margaritas
anonymous me
3 dresses and a pair of converse
sunglasses and knickers
4 days and counting
and i'm good to go

catefrances

los angeles has a smell. as soon as those terminal doors slide open and I step out into the californian warmth it hits me. I don't know what it is, but it says to me Los Angeles. of course when I get downtown and start walking the streets, the smell is urine. step out of the shadows and the sun assault my being. Figueroa & 7th blinds me... the coolness of the shadows draws me. DTLA has some great old buildings harkening back to a by-gone time of prosperity and style. gentrification is taking ahold and what I see is better than tearing down those old gems to make way for some 21st century monstrosity. old theatres stand dormant and neglected on Broadway and I look forward to the day they shine again. I spend a lot of time looking up when I wander city streets... what's above street level is often so much more interesting than eye level. Saturday afternoon in century city... here there's no smell of piss soaked sidewalks, just brilliant light and that smell of warmth. tis as if I have the city to myself and this is not a bad thing... the omega woman looking up and looking out marvelling at mankinds attempts to pierce the blue sky. yamasaki's twin towers on century park east reach higher than their New York brothers ever will again. I can't help but feel a pang of sadness. walk on past the glorious curve of the now vacant century plaza hotel. row upon row of identical balconies waiting. and then I'm onto my emerald city... fox plaza. or as I've always known it, nakatomi tower. visions of john mclane barefoot and bloody baiting and ultimately beating euro trash über villain hans gruber come to mind. aaah my second favourite christmas movie. RIP ALAN RICKMAN