Mothers....

PJSiren

Does anyone else have a weird relationship with their mom?

Ok, here is the deal...I dye my mom's hair...highlights/lowlights, been doing it for a while now...well, she wants me to come and do it this weekend and I told her no, because I'm exhausted, I've been working a lot. Last week I worked 6 days, this week, I did house cleaning and errands all day on my day off and didn't get to relax. So last night I decided no I'm not doing her hair this weekend, I'm too tired to travel up to Portland and do her hair and whatever else she wants to run around and do and get a shitty night's sleep on her couch...I need to rest and sleep in my bed. So I texted her last night and told her I wasn't coming...she got all pissy this morning, and she says ridiculous things when she gets mad...she throws awful shit in my face and says things like "I might as well just kill myself..." she's done this my whole life and I am so sick of it.

My hubby says I'm afraid of my mom and in a way I am...like I hate when she says things like that because when I was 11 she did try to kill herself so it opens up that wound all over again and shit. So I walk on eggshells around my mom...the whole fucking family does really...and she knows it and just laughs about it, but really it's not funny...it's hardcore annoying and frustrating to the rest of us.

She acts like a teenager half the time and I don't know why she can't just grow up, I'm 32 and she's almost 52 and I'm more mature than her...how does this happen???

And she's on our cell phone plan and can only pay her bill half the time, I dunno why, she has the money to pay it, but just doesn't pay us...like she thinks it's OK we'll just fund it for her...So my hubby has had enough of that and told me last night that I had to tell her she's off the plan...I just did this and of course she's pissy and thinks she's being treated unfairly...and she just pulled what my 13 year old daughter does... "whatever." Yes my 52 year old mother just whatevered me...you have got to be fucking kidding me...and she just said "Please mail my house keys to me..." see what I mean...she's fucking batshit crazy and says the most ridiculous things when she's angry...

UGH!!!!

hedonist

Oh, mother (cue Blind Melon).

First, thank you for such a candid post. Mothers and daughters can have these life-long rifts (probably an understatement), but I think in the end, it's on us as their children to not only take a hard stance with our parent(s), but to forgive them as well - for OUR benefit.

It's liberating and so necessary.

My 84-year-old mom attempted suicide last September. I was so angry with her, and traumatized too (will never forget asking her, "mom, do you know who I am?" because she was so fucking out of it). I cannot imagine an 11-year-old going through that. My adult self couldn't even work for the rest of that week. Just haunting, even now.

I finally wrote her a long letter (we've had other hurdles throughout my life due to her choices that affected us - our family), basically said I'll always love her, but get some help and get your shit together. I think, as she's in this late place in her life, trying to come to peace and reconcile past actions, she's turned a page. I'll never be less than completely and harshly honest with her. It serves us both.

You're young, and your obligation first and foremost is to yourself and your husband, and daughter. It sounds like you've taken the steps to show her this.

Selfishness is many times a good thing, a means of self-preservation. Keep it up, keep speaking your mind. You're under no one's thumb.

(an aside I hope makes you smile - this topic is obviously emotional, and my husband came into the room while I was focused on getting out my thoughts...told him what I was writing about, and he went to blast "Mother" by fucking Danzig)

PJSiren

It did make me smile! :-)

Yes I needed to take that step and this was the first time I've done that...told her no...I normally do what she wants...which I just last night sitting on the couch realizing how freakin' tired I was and that I still had one more day to work...was like NO I can't go up there this weekend...I have to take a stance...

I love her to death, I do, she raised me on her own and yes had some help from her parents and my uncle, but with no man, my dad was not around...so I do love her for everything she did for me...and I know she sacrificed a lot for me. But she's also since I've been an adult seemed to try to use me...so it's hard.

And dealing with her suicide attempt was very difficult, I am just thankful that my grandparents were there when it happened and my grandma called an abulance and took care of everything...because if I had been alone, I don't know what would have happened, I mean I am sure I would have called for help, but it would have been even more traumatizing than it was.

But you're definitely right about selfishness and in this case I just had to be...and I don't feel bad about it...

Amongst the Ani

Thank you for the honesty. Luckily I think most of the guys will agree sons have a much different relationships with their Mom than daughters. I have 2 sisters and never understood why my sisters get so mad at her. My little brother and I tended to drink the kool aid more as her boys. I can't get my brother who visits from Tucson all the time to bring his one year old. His wife is not the biggest fan of our family (we can be over bearing) and finds excuses why they wont come also. A call from Mom and his kid is here the next weekend. It took my wife 14 years to finally kind of get us as a whole unit and learn to enjoy the benefits (fiercely loyal, protect the family to the death) as she didn't have a super close family herself and we scared her. My Mom is the matriarch in all of it and pulls a lot of strings to get the family together more and for what what she views as the best thing. I warned her my family may be leaving back to Nor Cal hopefully (or maybe even further) in the next year or two and it will not sit well. She will hug and say the right things but the weekend phone calls when are we coming home to visit will start the next weekend.

My Mom was miserable from her Mother up until she passed a few months ago. I know that was the one thing she wished she could change in life. Starting in her early 50's grandma decided she was old and required the family to come do her laundry and take care of her. She was still able to take care of herself but just said screw it.

I hope you are able to find a better balance than my Mom did and good luck.

PJSiren

She has decided that when she gets new cell service no one gets her number...I'm a snot and she's done with me...

See she just says hurtful things when she's angry...so I said right back, that she was a child...

Boys do definitely have it easier with their mother's than girls do, CD...it's not fair!

northerndragon

I no longer have a relationship with my mother due to her choices and actions. She is a full fledged narcissist with identity issues. I spent the majority of my life from when I was a kid, covering up her actions, making excuses for her and in general being the adult.
When I hit my thirties, I had enough and tried to get her to acknowledge her behavior so that we could move forward. Each time there was a discussion and promises made and each time it took less than a month to throw it all out the window. About five years ago I came to the decision that enough was enough. Thirty years of being my mother's keeper was plenty. I cut off contact, why would I keep such a toxic person in my life strictly because of genetics. I haven't once regretted the decision, her behavior has not changed. Every bad choice she makes is someone else's fault, she still does whatever is best for her regardless of what it does to the people around her.
My mother is someone who shouldn't of had children but she did it because it was the thing to do at the time, when she was done with that (it was no longer getting her the attention she "deserved") she bounced. Simply walked out the door, said by to her 4 kids playing in the yard and went to her new boyfriend's house. To this day she doesn't see it as a bad thing. This is just how she is. I have finally realized that and stopped trying to help/fix someone who doesn't want it.

The best I can say is that if you want and can continue to have a relationship with your mom you have to have very tight boundaries. You can't let her hold you emotional prisoner so that she gets what she wants. That is not healthy for you or your family. It's a hard road to take, I still get major flak for taking the steps that I did "because she's my mother". You have a life, a job and a family that you need to take care of.

In your particular situation described above, I would say the most diplomatic thing to do is offer her an alternative that works with your schedule. If she continues with the emotional hostage crap tell her that until she stops you can't talk to her. Hopefully she will chill out and you two will come up with a solution.

PJSiren

I see some of what you described in my mom as well...she doesn't own her mistakes...she quit her job and let me pay all the bills when I was only 25...I ended up in bad debt because of it, and she now has to pay off two of my bills because they were technically in her name, and I don't feel the slightest bit bad about that...had she not up and quit her job I'd have been just fine and able to pay all my bills but instead a 25 year old kid was supporting her mother and herself on barely minimum wage...

I told her all this this morning too...and told her that I am tired, and I just can't do it, and that I feel like she doesn't care that I am run down and need to recoop...and she said she does care, but her actions speak volums in the opposite...I think we've gotten past the "mail your keys to me" and "no one gets my number" but she was behaving horribly earlier.

I am going to make things very clear from now on...I just can't let her scare me or walk all over me...I have my family and my job to think about...

RKCNDY

Thank-you northerndragin for sharing...my own 'parent' is exactly as you describe. ('it' does not even deserve the title of 'mother')
I won't go into details, but growing up was really hard when you go to school to be bullied, and then go home and get beaten up again.
As a young adult, I had a lot of anger issues, a lot of 'why me', and I realized it stemed from having no guidance. I limited contact and started feeling better about myself, and 7 years ago cut off all contact, my parent also refused to acknowledge their actions...I have never been happier.

I believe people who make mistakes, refuse to own up to them, and then blame others will never grow up mentally, they lack compassion and sensitivity. It's too bad because they are missing out on what it truly means to be 'free' and know what a true relationship is like.

whispering hands

I thought I was the only one that had gone through that with my mom. When she got twacked out on speed for six days, and then decided to drive; causing her to end up t-boned by a box truck.. The police officers called us( my sister and I for
Like four days on her phone, before my sister finally answered one day. Then she called me and told me what happened. Now mind you, my sister lived up in KC, and I was living in Joplin.. We discussed how we were going to handle things. We called her siblings, and they were exasperated. My Aunt, ( her sister) flew down to Cali, and was our relay in her progress. When she's gotten out of her coma, and put into a convalescent home, she called her brothers, sister, and my sister and I DAILY, to 'inform' us that we all owed it to her to come get her out of there.
At one point, the staff began to call my sister and I begging us to try to convince her to eat.. After like three weeks, my sister started telling the nurses to tell our mother to go ahead and starve herself. They were shocked.. But our mother was infamous for guilt trips.
We ended up moving her out to KC, and we took our inheritance monies from our grandparents' wills, and bought the house where I established the rescue. She made life MISERABLE! This is horrible to admit, but one day she woke up angry, and no one could fix whatever it was she was angry over, so she slapped me across the face. After living through the majority of my childhood with her and her male cohorts a using my sister and I, I snapped. I body slammed her to the floor and beat the God-fearing FUCK out of her. It took my sister, and four other rescue employees to
Pull me off of her. Now.. That was NOT right, but she was one of those people that just was never happy. And it made me sick with anger; more like rage.
When she died, I cried, out of shame; shame that I was filled with joy that her tyrannical reign over my life was finally over.. But your post made me think of her, because she did stupid shit like that all the time. She was the queen of temper tantrums, and guilt trips. The day I started laughing at her threats, instead of cowing to them, was a freeing step.

PJSiren

RKCNDY said:

Thank-you northerndragin for sharing...my own 'parent' is exactly as you describe. ('it' does not even deserve the title of 'mother')
I won't go into details, but growing up was really hard when you go to school to be bullied, and then go home and get beaten up again.
As a young adult, I had a lot of anger issues, a lot of 'why me', and I realized it stemed from having no guidance. I limited contact and started feeling better about myself, and 7 years ago cut off all contact, my parent also refused to acknowledge their actions...I have never been happier.

I believe people who make mistakes, refuse to own up to them, and then blame others will never grow up mentally, they lack compassion and sensitivity. It's too bad because they are missing out on what it truly means to be 'free' and know what a true relationship is like.

THIS!!!^^^

This is my mom. She never owns up to her mistakes, blames other people...like when she quit her job and made me take care of everything...it was never her fault it was everyone else's fault all the people she worked with their fault she had to quit...like she was being "abused" at work...

Honestly my mom has no idea what that's like I have a friend who puts up with way worse at work than what my mom quit over and she hasn't just quit and walked away because she knows she has to be an adult and pay the bills and find another job first...

And my mom hasn't even been in a relationship with a man since I was like 7...she probably couldn't hold one together...to be perfectly blunt about it. I don't think any man would stick around for her crap...

whispering hands

At least I don't feel so bad knowing that others went through what we had. And RKCNDY, I think our mothers must have been related! I went through the exact same thing..

Enkidu

Wow, these stories are so sad (and it scares me, wondering what my kids would say about me). I think we somehow expect our mothers to be perfect, like characters on a TV show. That's what I did, I guess. And when I was older I realized my mother had issues that could be addressed with therapy. And I told her that.

Well. It went over like a lead balloon. And things were never really the same with us. I think she thought I thought she was crazy. No, I think therapy and medication are great things that can help people get through hard stuff. And my mother would have had a much better life if she'd done that, but she never did. She passed away a few years ago and our relationship at that time was better. But it makes me so sad.

What she could have been. How much happier she could have been. What a waste.

PJSiren

whispering hands said:

I thought I was the only one that had gone through that with my mom. When she got twacked out on speed for six days, and then decided to drive; causing her to end up t-boned by a box truck.. The police officers called us( my sister and I for
Like four days on her phone, before my sister finally answered one day. Then she called me and told me what happened. Now mind you, my sister lived up in KC, and I was living in Joplin.. We discussed how we were going to handle things. We called her siblings, and they were exasperated. My Aunt, ( her sister) flew down to Cali, and was our relay in her progress. When she's gotten out of her coma, and put into a convalescent home, she called her brothers, sister, and my sister and I DAILY, to 'inform' us that we all owed it to her to come get her out of there.
At one point, the staff began to call my sister and I begging us to try to convince her to eat.. After like three weeks, my sister started telling the nurses to tell our mother to go ahead and starve herself. They were shocked.. But our mother was infamous for guilt trips.
We ended up moving her out to KC, and we took our inheritance monies from our grandparents' wills, and bought the house where I established the rescue. She made life MISERABLE! This is horrible to admit, but one day she woke up angry, and no one could fix whatever it was she was angry over, so she slapped me across the face. After living through the majority of my childhood with her and her male cohorts a using my sister and I, I snapped. I body slammed her to the floor and beat the God-fearing FUCK out of her. It took my sister, and four other rescue employees to
Pull me off of her. Now.. That was NOT right, but she was one of those people that just was never happy. And it made me sick with anger; more like rage.
When she died, I cried, out of shame; shame that I was filled with joy that her tyrannical reign over my life was finally over.. But your post made me think of her, because she did stupid shit like that all the time. She was the queen of temper tantrums, and guilt trips. The day I started laughing at her threats, instead of cowing to them, was a freeing step.

My mom is the queen of tantrums and guilt trips too...GOD what is it...I sure hope I never pull any of this stuff on my daughter...

whispering hands

My mother was the reason I prayed to never have children. And to be honest, I never expected my mother to be perfect.. I just wanted one that didn't let her second husband tie me to a chair and slice my arms open for every infraction of the day, or keep a boyfriend around when she actually walked in on him molesting me; she denied that til the day she died. I just wanted a mother that wasn't so fucked up on drugs that she forgot to buy groceries; leaving my sister and I hungry, often for days at a time. Just wanted a mom that didn't beat the fucking shit out of me because I asked her to please not do drugs anymore. A mother that came home at night. One that paid the bills, so we could have light; instead she'd stay at her BF's house and leave us in the dark. I used to be so jealous of my younger sister and brother, cause they got ' the good mom'. It took me years to get over that. I just wanted a normal family. I just wanted my mom to quit taking her failures out on my sister and I. I wanted her to admit she fucked up..she never did.. Everything was someone else's fault; most often everything was my sister and i's fault. I'll never forget the day she ran me over with her car, because once I saw her BF pack his shitand leave, I knewxwe'd get blamed, and I ran. I was right, we got blamed and she ran me down with a car..cause somehow I had made him break up with her.. Thank HOF she ran me over in sand, and not the street. So yeah I didn't want her to be perfect.. I just wanted her to be nice.

PJSiren

Yeah, I haven't been through half the shit you have, my mom didn't do drugs or run around with boyfriends, or anything like that, and when she found out a friend had molested me the shit hit the fan...but she has emotionally kept me under her thumb for years beyond what I should have allowed. I have been afraid to tell my mom no, so make her mad, because of what she might say or do...because she makes the threats of "I'll just kill myself then..." I've been afraid she might actually try it again, and once was enough, and she has no idea how that fucked me up...she has no idea that I'm afraid to tell her no...and after I did, she thought I was treating her unfairly...that me being tired was just an excuse...I mean yeah I would like to have gone to see her and spend time with her, but when I feel run down like I do, I think that it's a bad idea, because I need rest and need to take care of myself and my family first and make sure I don't get sick and miss work and I feel like she just doesn't seem to care much...she said she did when I asked her that this morning, but like I said actions speak louder than words and her actions show me that she doesn't give two shits about the fact that I'm exhausted and need to rest...

I really feel liberated today, after having told her NO...you know? I feel better even though it made a huge fight with her...I think it was way past due and I am glad I said it and stuck to my guns this morning with her...and told her some of the stuff I told her.

northerndragon

90-95% of all mom's are good mom's or at least they give it their all. But there some people out there who should have never had kids and even though those children had no say in being there or not, they hold them to blame. Unfortunately some of us ended up with those mothers. The trick is to let that go, it sucks having a mother like that but it sucks worse to continue to let some one like that manipulate and use you. When it comes down to it you have to look at everyone in your life at face value, and regardless of familial connection you have draw the same boundaries you would otherwise. We do tend to give them more chances based on familial connection but eventually rational thought must prevail for our own health and well-being. This must be done without guilt because we are worth more and they are the ones losing out.

Amongst the Ani

I see the after effects in my wife. He ex step father molested her and her mother denied it so she ended up having to go into foster care. Her mother refused to let her testify so he only got weekends in jail for a year. My wife even saw a couple of years ago her mother was friends with him on facebook and when my wife asked how she could do that her moms response was life has to move on. Her mom is bat shit crazy and has done some sadistic shit over the years. Would do things like on the day one of our kids was born would give me a one time offer to pay for all this work on the car but only if we did it that day. Difference being I didn't grow up with that and would end up putting her in tears as my response. One day her Mom caught me on the wrong day and I unloaded on her like my wife should. Gave her a shit storm she couldn't handle that my wife told me a few weeks later put her into a tail spin. Her mom is of course unmediated bi-polar and I don't think its sympathy she is lacking as I have seen her care when my wife is sick its empathy she is missing. She meant good when she would offer to go have work done on the car so the little one would be safer. She just couldn't realize why I wouldn't want to leave my wife and just born child. I tried the first 10 years of our marriage to get my wife to tell her to go fuck off and to cut the cord. I realized she couldn't and gave up and instead focusing on damage control. Now I try and make her laugh at her Mom as it seems to work. It helps my wife to realize her Mom is bat shit crazy and not to take it to seriously.

whispering hands

northerndragon said:

90-95% of all mom's are good mom's or at least they give it their all. But there some people out there who should have never had kids and even though those children had no say in being there or not, they hold them to blame. Unfortunately some of us ended up with those mothers. The trick is to let that go, it sucks having a mother like that but it sucks worse to continue to let some one like that manipulate and use you. When it comes down to it you have to look at everyone in your life at face value, and regardless of familial connection you have draw the same boundaries you would otherwise. We do tend to give them more chances based on familial connection but eventually rational thought must prevail for our own health and well-being. This must be done without guilt because we are worth more and they are the ones losing out.

I wish I'd have had this advice then. It took her dying for me go be able to move on and forgive her. She now resides in an Urn on my Grandpa's desk. I look at her in there and think why'd it have to take so long for forgiveness?? Then I realized I was the one not letting go. Very sage advice Northern! Cause once I let go of the past I was able to forgive her. I honestly don't know if I could do that if she were still alive.

I glad you took that much needed step, Mandy, cause you're right.. You as your child's mother owe it to her, to be rested and healthy. Hopefully this brings about that much needed change in your relationship with your mom.

Last-12-Exit

That really sucks that your mom puts that shit on you.

PJSiren

Yeah..she can be a real piece of work...I am feeling a lot better now that we had our fight and got it over with and I'm home resting...just relaxing now going to Portland but staying home with my family and taking care of myself....

oftenreading

What a lot of pain in some of these posts! So sorry to hear what some of you have been through. I don't know if I have much to add to the wisdom already on this thread, but I can say that anyone who threats to kill themselves if someone else does/doesn't do a particular thing is using that as a mechanism of control and there is no way that it should be successful. PJSiren, I'm really glad you said "no" to your mom; the world didn't end, she didn't kill herself, and you set good boundaries. It's really important that you continue to decide for yourself what you are prepared to do and what you aren't, and then let her know. For some people (like northerndragon?) the relationship is unfixable and the only way to keep yourself safe is just to walk away, but some other relationships can be made better by setting really strong limits and not letting your mother bully or threaten you into doing what she wants. Just be prepared because she'll test this in some way by upping the ante. Good luck; stay strong.

PJSiren

Thanks oftenreading! I did...I feel good about what I did. And I got to sleep in my bed, get a good night's rest and woke up feeling rested...and that wouldn't have happened if I'd gone to Portland, I would still be exhausted. I just need to be stronger with my mom...and not afraid. She was mad, but she got over it. And she got her own cell phone plan yesterday...so that was a relief as well.