Clean and Sober

Amongst the Ani

Pardon me from writing this. 16 years ago I got hooked on painkillers long before we ever knew what an epidemic it would become. I would go into the doctor for a migraine medication refill and without asking or wanting would get it plus painkiller prescriptions. Before I knew it I was hooked. I was a functional junkie in that I have a nice house, a job I adore and kids I would kill for without thinking. I finally realized my kids never saw me sober in their whole lives. They don't know as does anyone else on the planet other than my wife who should have gone hard on me but couldn't as she loved me too much to see me in pain. Right reasons, wrong actions. I will always be loyal to her throughout eternity as know it came from a place of love even though it just enabled me. I spent the last 16 years justifying it to myself in a haze that I didn't even realize I was in.

If you have been reading the teenager thread I posted a few times about how my 15 year old daughter started therapy and has made a miraculous change. She went from feeling like a misfit with one or two friends to going into drama and now actually becoming popular. She was actually flirting with a boy at Target last night. 4 months ago she would never have even looked up when he said something to her. I hate her liking boys now but am in awe on how far she came so quickly. Her work to get over her anxieties kind of started me to wake up. Then my grandmother died. My fun grandma that I loved going over to her house growing up. Played nickle knock with us and never let us win. Its where my competitive side was born. I didn't make any attempt to go to her funeral even though it was a $300 flight away. I used work and money as an excuse and everyone seems to be ok with it. The truth is I did what I always did. I locked that information away in a box in my brain held shut by pills and just kept on like nothing happened. I didnt want to process it so I used pills to hide it away. That ended up being a blessing as it was what woke me up.

I started to think where my wife and I went wrong with our daughter as I see some of the same actions in my 9 year old son. He has friends at school but we never see them. There are so many kids from good families his own age living houses away but he doesn't socialize with them. He feels like a misfit much like my daughter started to at that age. Thats when it dawned on me. Where I went wrong was that when I saw my daughter in trouble I locked it away and never sat down and really tried to talk to her. I doubt she would have really opened up but it might have lead to therapy much earlier that could have saved her those tough years. Its when I decided even though I am very active in their lives I just ignore what I don't want to deal with and despite what I thought was a shitty Dad. I went to functions and supported them but not for lifes challenges.

I tried a few times to stop over the years but usually caved on about day 5 to 10. I never fully bought in so as soon as had a bad moment I caved. I always had an excuse like we are going to wedding and its only for today to feel good. That would lead me right back to where I was at.

This time my wife helped me clean the house of all my stash spots where I would hide a bottle with a few pills. I didn't like her seeing me take them so I would hide bottles all over the house so if I needed one I could find an empty room and have access. I told the doctor I would sue him if he ever gave them to me again in a very dick manner to make sure I couldn't even get an appointment. I asked my wife no matter how much she doesn't want to she has to kick me out should I go back and believe she will do it as she also realized life has to change..I know this will be hard but I am finally fully committed.

Today is day 5 for me. I have made it through the withdrawal period and am starting recovery. I am so god damn tired all day but have been doing brisk walks even while in withdrawal as I believe that is the key to this. I was a Marine and before that was a gym rat. If I want to get my energy back that is how to do it. I can't fail in a few days like I always did. That was always my fall and this time it has to work. This needs to be my rock bottom. Not for me but for my kids. My extreme sense of pride is coming back which is a bad thing but a great thing for this.

I am taking my 15 year old daughter to a festival next Saturday. Rise Against is the headliner and she really wants to go with me as she has always been my concert buddy. I have a picture from when she was 7 at her first concert with me that I love. It is right above one of my monitors at work so I stare at it all day. I want a new picture of us 8 years later and me sober. I'm not ready to share this with others I know yet. I know I have to for it to work but want to get a few months in first before I tell my parents and friends. I'm overly emotional right now as that lock box in my brain opened and all is coming out in a good way. So I'm sorry if I just bored you but I needed a small outlet and what better place than here.

So today is day 5 and will be better than yesterday was. Its 7:30 almost and time for a few mile brisk walk to get my blood flowing. I have 7 days to get as ready as I can for a 10 hour concert. I know that day will hurt really bad as I will still be fatigued but I have never looked so forward to anything.

whispering hands

You are AWESOME!! Thank you so much for having the balls and recognizing the need to let some things out, because it's part of the process! And above all else.. CONGRATULATIONS!! This is not an easy thing to overcome! ( my Dad went through this with his back, and then he got sick, Pancreatic Cancer is VERY painful) and he was physically addicted without even realizing it. So congratulations! Day 5 that's wonderful! This has been the best post I've read all day! I struggle with my own addictions, ( I was a functional alcoholic for around fifteen years, then the last five of twenty, were ZNOT so functional), but have found such a comfort of support in this amazing group of fellow fans! It really is an amazing thing that a rock band can bring together THE WORLD, by allowing us this space in the interworld, to share our thoughts, passions, fears, angst, and revelations with one another! So glad I got to read that this morning! And hang in there! We're here for you! And think.. How amazing it is going to be, living in clarity.... I have just under a year, clean and Sober, and it is great!! There's still days I struggle, and those old excuses come knocking.. ( but if I drink, I can sleep, I won't feel the pain, either physically or mentally..) but now I turn to my Faith, and when o need encouragement or talked out of my stupidity I come here, and these great folks kick my ass for me!! So happy for you cdysinge!!!' Keep it up!

mickeyrat

Look for the PJ fans in 12 step recovery thread if you are inclined. Hit me up to via pm if you like. 2 weeks from today I expect to have 9 years free from drinking, crack and pot.

whispering hands

mickeyrat said:

Look for the PJ fans in 12 step recovery thread if you are inclined. Hit me up to via pm if you like. 2 weeks from today I expect to have 9 years free from drinking, crack and pot.

I was just gonna go dig that up!! Good catch!

hedonist

I really appreciate the honesty and self-examination of your post, cdysinge. Wishing you much luck and strength to overcome and emerge better from this. Sounds like you have good outlets and an amazing, strong wife.

And of course, another outlet in this place. Use it as you need; many caring ears here.

Longueuil

cdysinge said:

Not for me but for my kids.

Wrong! You're doing this for you AND your kids.

Since you're going to see Rise Against, here's a song for you with one of the best line I know : "We've all been sorry, we've all been hurt. But how we survive, is what makes us who we are"
https://youtu.be/7EsU4SETCz4

You can do it!

badbrains

mickeyrat said:

Look for the PJ fans in 12 step recovery thread if you are inclined. Hit me up to via pm if you like. 2 weeks from today I expect to have 9 years free from drinking, crack and pot.

Holyshit, that's some habit to kick. Good for you mickey.

badbrains

cdysinge said:

Pardon me from writing this. 16 years ago I got hooked on painkillers long before we ever knew what an epidemic it would become. I would go into the doctor for a migraine medication refill and without asking or wanting would get it plus painkiller prescriptions. Before I knew it I was hooked. I was a functional junkie in that I have a nice house, a job I adore and kids I would kill for without thinking. I finally realized my kids never saw me sober in their whole lives. They don't know as does anyone else on the planet other than my wife who should have gone hard on me but couldn't as she loved me too much to see me in pain. Right reasons, wrong actions. I will always be loyal to her throughout eternity as know it came from a place of love even though it just enabled me. I spent the last 16 years justifying it to myself in a haze that I didn't even realize I was in.

If you have been reading the teenager thread I posted a few times about how my 15 year old daughter started therapy and has made a miraculous change. She went from feeling like a misfit with one or two friends to going into drama and now actually becoming popular. She was actually flirting with a boy at Target last night. 4 months ago she would never have even looked up when he said something to her. I hate her liking boys now but am in awe on how far she came so quickly. Her work to get over her anxieties kind of started me to wake up. Then my grandmother died. My fun grandma that I loved going over to her house growing up. Played nickle knock with us and never let us win. Its where my competitive side was born. I didn't make any attempt to go to her funeral even though it was a $300 flight away. I used work and money as an excuse and everyone seems to be ok with it. The truth is I did what I always did. I locked that information away in a box in my brain held shut by pills and just kept on like nothing happened. I didnt want to process it so I used pills to hide it away. That ended up being a blessing as it was what woke me up.

I started to think where my wife and I went wrong with our daughter as I see some of the same actions in my 9 year old son. He has friends at school but we never see them. There are so many kids from good families his own age living houses away but he doesn't socialize with them. He feels like a misfit much like my daughter started to at that age. Thats when it dawned on me. Where I went wrong was that when I saw my daughter in trouble I locked it away and never sat down and really tried to talk to her. I doubt she would have really opened up but it might have lead to therapy much earlier that could have saved her those tough years. Its when I decided even though I am very active in their lives I just ignore what I don't want to deal with and despite what I thought was a shitty Dad. I went to functions and supported them but not for lifes challenges.

I tried a few times to stop over the years but usually caved on about day 5 to 10. I never fully bought in so as soon as had a bad moment I caved. I always had an excuse like we are going to wedding and its only for today to feel good. That would lead me right back to where I was at.

This time my wife helped me clean the house of all my stash spots where I would hide a bottle with a few pills. I didn't like her seeing me take them so I would hide bottles all over the house so if I needed one I could find an empty room and have access. I told the doctor I would sue him if he ever gave them to me again in a very dick manner to make sure I couldn't even get an appointment. I asked my wife no matter how much she doesn't want to she has to kick me out should I go back and believe she will do it as she also realized life has to change..I know this will be hard but I am finally fully committed.

Today is day 5 for me. I have made it through the withdrawal period and am starting recovery. I am so god damn tired all day but have been doing brisk walks even while in withdrawal as I believe that is the key to this. I was a Marine and before that was a gym rat. If I want to get my energy back that is how to do it. I can't fail in a few days like I always did. That was always my fall and this time it has to work. This needs to be my rock bottom. Not for me but for my kids. My extreme sense of pride is coming back which is a bad thing but a great thing for this.

I am taking my 15 year old daughter to a festival next Saturday. Rise Against is the headliner and she really wants to go with me as she has always been my concert buddy. I have a picture from when she was 7 at her first concert with me that I love. It is right above one of my monitors at work so I stare at it all day. I want a new picture of us 8 years later and me sober. I'm not ready to share this with others I know yet. I know I have to for it to work but want to get a few months in first before I tell my parents and friends. I'm overly emotional right now as that lock box in my brain opened and all is coming out in a good way. So I'm sorry if I just bored you but I needed a small outlet and what better place than here.

So today is day 5 and will be better than yesterday was. Its 7:30 almost and time for a few mile brisk walk to get my blood flowing. I have 7 days to get as ready as I can for a 10 hour concert. I know that day will hurt really bad as I will still be fatigued but I have never looked so forward to anything.

Fuck, thanks for your honesty. Jesus. Bravo

whispering hands

Yes it is!! Crack stupefied me! I tried it a few times.. But I had a rescue to run then too.. I was not EVEN ok with giving all my money to a drug dealer.. So I didn't get hooked.. But I've seen how quickly and powerfully it can take over.. It's like Meth's big brother! It's a horrible thing! So glad that you made it out alive Mickey! ( most don't).

PJSiren

Thank you for sharing...so powerful, and emotional to read this...I have a cousin who is trying to get straight...she's doing well so far...she just had some time in jail....this girl is like my little sister, and I want to see her succeed...

But I wish you all the best! You'll be in my thoughts and prayers!

Amongst the Ani

Thank you guys for the kind words. I'm not ready to share with family quite yet but needed to get it out. I just finshed a 4 mile walk and for whatever reason started jogging at the end and remembered how much I used to run. I would do 5 to 7 miles everyday. I'm going to the gym later and getting a membership as mornings are the worst for me. It was the one conistent time I took a pill so thats when it hits the hardest. I can only sleep 6 hours so I'm up at 4:30. I need a close gym I can jog to at that time to get my day started out as Marines do and I used to do. That will let me jog back before the kids are up so I can help with the morning process of getting them out the door to school. I have to go back to work Tuesday so I need my new process in place.

hedonist

Man...you have my admiration in your drive and forethought. And recognizing your release valves.

(also, and I meant to say earlier, thank you for your service)

RKCNDY

Congrats on being so brutally honest with us-it's a very brave thing for you to do.
Taking that first step had to be hard, but you did it for the right reasons.

We are all here for you, when you are having a bad day or when you are having a good day, we're all here for you.

whispering hands

This seriously has been my favorite post of the day!

Hobbes

I think you've taken some great strides these last few days. I am proud of you. I know inpatient treatment can be difficult with, well life and all, but have you considered going to NA meetings? That form of group therapy can work wonders, especially in early recovery.

Like many have said, I'm here if you need to chat.

I'll have 9 years this summer clean and sober. I'm an alcoholic/drug addict. Drug of choice: Heroin.

SD48277

Do you know how amazing and strong you are? It takes great strength to have an honest look at yourself and your life AND to take action to change it...many do not. Please use this community for support, distraction, a laugh, a place to vent...whatever. You are stronger than you know.

brianlux

cdysinge, it takes a lot of guts to admit, face up to and deal with an addiction. I was a Xanax junkie for several years- I remember how tough it was back in '98 to kick those benzodiazapines.

Your courage and honesty are remarkable and inspiring. Keep up the good work!

Keep us posted and know you have a lot of support here from your PJ family (you guys are awesome). Wishing you the best.

Kudos to whispering hands and Hobbes as well.

Amongst the Ani

Hobbes said:

I think you've taken some great strides these last few days. I am proud of you. I know inpatient treatment can be difficult with, well life and all, but have you considered going to NA meetings? That form of group therapy can work wonders, especially in early recovery.

Like many have said, I'm here if you need to chat.

I'll have 9 years this summer clean and sober. I'm an alcoholic/drug addict. Drug of choice: Heroin.

I'm going to start looking for local meetings. Hearing everyone fighting the same battle is heart warming and helps to realize it can at least be put at bay. Thank you all as it does help hearing all of you winning the war. The last time I tried I did go to NA and one of the best piece of advice I got was to find a new healthy addiction as the time and mental processes need to be replaced with something better/new. I see a health kick coming as 40 comes in 3 months and has scared me as well. I was not good to my body at all over the first 40 and if want to have a chance at another 40 and get to see great grand kids I need to repair some of the damages while there is time.

PJSiren

Hobbes said:

I think you've taken some great strides these last few days. I am proud of you. I know inpatient treatment can be difficult with, well life and all, but have you considered going to NA meetings? That form of group therapy can work wonders, especially in early recovery.

Like many have said, I'm here if you need to chat.

I'll have 9 years this summer clean and sober. I'm an alcoholic/drug addict. Drug of choice: Heroin.

Heroin is what my cousin is kicking...any advice I can pass along?

Don't know that she would take it...she's in an angry place but like I said doing well, going to her NA meetings and Parole meetings and all that stuff...and been doing good for her son...so I'm proud of how far she's come...but I ask cuz you've got 9 years and if I tell her that maybe she'll listen...I dunno, I can hope anyway...

Thanks!

PJSiren

I also want to thank you for your service, should have said it earlier as well...and that coming here and admiting all that you have was such a brave thing! I'll be thinking of you!

hedonist

Hobbes said:

I think you've taken some great strides these last few days. I am proud of you. I know inpatient treatment can be difficult with, well life and all, but have you considered going to NA meetings? That form of group therapy can work wonders, especially in early recovery.

Like many have said, I'm here if you need to chat.

I'll have 9 years this summer clean and sober. I'm an alcoholic/drug addict. Drug of choice: Heroin.

Last time I said "oh Hobbes" was for something Seinfeldish. This time, truly from the heart.

Bravo, you tiger

deadendp

I've watched my brother deal with this same struggle. I know that it is difficult. We're here for you! There are plenty of us here who welcome PMs from you, if you so need. Truly. We all mean it.

In the meantime, congratulations. :tears:

WhatYouTaughtMe

Keep fighting the good fight. Awesome to hear about people taking their life back on here.

Amongst the Ani

I'm back at work today and my lord does it feel weird. I have never seen this place without some kind of small haze on my mind. I was completely functional so no one knew. In addition my best friend retired while I was away and today was the first time I saw his office completely empty. It was also nice in a strange way to also feel sad for it. I threw him one hell of a going away week before I started this but as always never let myself process that he was going to not be around all day to make fun of all the idiots in the office. So as strange as it sounds feeling sad is a nice change. Day 8 is today and I'm doing well. As always thank you so much to everyone who has sent me PM's with words of encouragement. You are an amazing bunch of degenerates.

hedonist

No pm from here - would rather publicly cheer you on.

So well done, sir! I hope the family-front is going good too.

(and yes, that melancholy feeling can be sweet and comforting in itself)

Wobbie

Good job, bud!

Hobbes

PJSiren said:

Hobbes said:

I think you've taken some great strides these last few days. I am proud of you. I know inpatient treatment can be difficult with, well life and all, but have you considered going to NA meetings? That form of group therapy can work wonders, especially in early recovery.

Like many have said, I'm here if you need to chat.

I'll have 9 years this summer clean and sober. I'm an alcoholic/drug addict. Drug of choice: Heroin.

Heroin is what my cousin is kicking...any advice I can pass along?

Don't know that she would take it...she's in an angry place but like I said doing well, going to her NA meetings and Parole meetings and all that stuff...and been doing good for her son...so I'm proud of how far she's come...but I ask cuz you've got 9 years and if I tell her that maybe she'll listen...I dunno, I can hope anyway...

Thanks!

Anger is a secondary emotion. She needs to find the source of her anger be it sadness, shame, guilt, fear, etc. Those are primary emotions and need to be looked at honestly. It's tough, for anybody, addict or not. Ultimately she needs to know that it's okay to feel that way. Cdysinge is feeling sadness for his friend and co-worker retiring. That's great. He's feeling something. There was a quote in treatment, "If you bury your demons, you might accidentally bury your angels, too." We numbed ourselves for so many years that now all emotions will surface. We want to feel joy, well be ready to feel sad as well. But it's okay.

And if hope could grow from dirt like me. It can be done.

hedonist

Hobbes said:

PJSiren said:

Hobbes said:

I think you've taken some great strides these last few days. I am proud of you. I know inpatient treatment can be difficult with, well life and all, but have you considered going to NA meetings? That form of group therapy can work wonders, especially in early recovery.

Like many have said, I'm here if you need to chat.

I'll have 9 years this summer clean and sober. I'm an alcoholic/drug addict. Drug of choice: Heroin.

Heroin is what my cousin is kicking...any advice I can pass along?

Don't know that she would take it...she's in an angry place but like I said doing well, going to her NA meetings and Parole meetings and all that stuff...and been doing good for her son...so I'm proud of how far she's come...but I ask cuz you've got 9 years and if I tell her that maybe she'll listen...I dunno, I can hope anyway...

Thanks!

Anger is a secondary emotion. She needs to find the source of her anger be it sadness, shame, guilt, fear, etc. Those are primary emotions and need to be looked at honestly. It's tough, for anybody, addict or not. Ultimately she needs to know that it's okay to feel that way. Cdysinge is feeling sadness for his friend and co-worker retiring. That's great. He's feeling something. There was a quote in treatment, "If you bury your demons, you might accidentally bury your angels, too." We numbed ourselves for so many years that now all emotions will surface. We want to feel joy, well be ready to feel sad as well. But it's okay.

And if hope could grow from dirt like me. It can be done.

Dunno if it's synergy or what, but some thoughts / words posted here lately have resounded in lovely ways within.

Your post reminds me of Jeff from SVT - "not what to feel, but to feel".

SD48277

cdysinge said:

I'm back at work today and my lord does it feel weird. I have never seen this place without some kind of small haze on my mind. I was completely functional so no one knew. In addition my best friend retired while I was away and today was the first time I saw his office completely empty. It was also nice in a strange way to also feel sad for it. I threw him one hell of a going away week before I started this but as always never let myself process that he was going to not be around all day to make fun of all the idiots in the office. So as strange as it sounds feeling sad is a nice change. Day 8 is today and I'm doing well. As always thank you so much to everyone who has sent me PM's with words of encouragement. You are an amazing bunch of degenerates.

Congratulations on Day 8!

whispering hands

Doing great! One day at a time.. :-)

RKCNDY

PJSiren said:

Heroin is what my cousin is kicking...any advice I can pass along?

Don't know that she would take it...she's in an angry place but like I said doing well, going to her NA meetings and Parole meetings and all that stuff...and been doing good for her son...so I'm proud of how far she's come...but I ask cuz you've got 9 years and if I tell her that maybe she'll listen...I dunno, I can hope anyway...

Thanks!

I certainly hope your cousin finds the help she needs...I had one friend who was into meth and it took him going to federal prison for 12 years to get clean-course most people will just say "that won't be me" but he was the same way...'Mr. Invincible'. Another friend is into the heroin, he moved out here to get away after his sister died of cancer. He didn't like it, moved back, started dabbling around in it, then his brother OD'd and died, so now he's disappeared.

Congrats to cd on Day 8...that's all it is...'one day at a time'.