I don't usually talk about dark days
justam
Posts: 21,410
I don't usually talk about darkness
but it exists inside me sometimes
I feel as if I’m invisible
but I guess feeling invisible isn’t sufficient
I guess giving up any hope of getting what I want isn’t enough
did I want too much?!
the loss is relentless!
all my life I’ve tried to stay hopeful and afloat
but
do you know how invisible I feel now?
loss, loss, loss, loss
gone, gone, gone
I’m buried beneath my mistakes
I feel so insubstantial
like a ghost
like ashes, my confidence swept away
Elvis has left the building
I feel the loss immensely
maybe it’s age related?
I feel I don’t matter
I’m. not. even. here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m not even the shell of my younger self anymore
as if I’ve lost my value
it feels like the wind goes right through me
an old lace curtain, gray and frayed
on days like this,
I could be smoke blowing across a field
or a bubble that’s been popped
some sticky drop for an instant
and then gone
maybe a balloon that has been untied and floats high away in less than a minute?!
I’m not even here!!!!!!!!!!!
I get smaller and smaller
and I keep imagining it doesn’t matter to anyone
if I’m here or not
but I guess it does matter to the extent that
that
that
I’m supposed to actually disappear
I supposed to actually be gone
if I smile at all, I am branded a simpleton
unaware of the heaviness of my situation
but I’m aware!
I suppose I need to actually let go of any hopeful spirit I’ve retained
to really be invisible
to really be insubstantial
for just feeling that way isn’t enough to satisfy these people
that want me truly out of the picture
really gone
really no where
really no longer taking up any memory space
no matter I’m still alive in here
I am!!!!!!!!!!!
but I guess I need to erase my existence
erase the residue of my wishes
because even though I feel invisible now
it’s not enough to feel ghostly
it’s not enough to accept that there’s no hope
I’m supposed to stop breathing completely…
Naively I hoped to be loved for who I am
but I guess that was too much
for it seems that who I am is not enough
I must be flawed!
it seems I’m not the right fit
or maybe it’s all a big illusion that I even exist?!
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
0
Comments
nicely done
"Hear me, my chiefs!
I am tired; my heart is
sick and sad. From where
the sun stands I will fight
no more forever."
Chief Joseph - Nez Perce
awesome piece, be well Justam.
Godfather.
No need to be concerned.
Writing is good for me because it helps me understand what I'm feeling and wash it out too.