Vent/Question

xtremehardy388

Don't know if this belongs here or somewhere else. It's part vent/part question. Here we go...

I've been playing with my praise band for a few years, now. It's been a "love/hate" relationship. I'm the youngest player and I play more rock where the rest of the band are much older and are into jazz/contemporary Christian rock. It's not uncommon for me to warm up with Pearl Jam, Ozzy, TOOL, Black Sabbath or some random classic rock. Some know the songs and they kinda join in. We have a drummer, a few vocalists, a pianist, a pianist/saxophonist, and acoustic guitarist, and our pastor plays electric guitar (a beautiful original Kalamazoo Gibson ES330/ES335 into a Fender Blues Jr---I also introduced him to the world of pedals). I quit the band a year ago when I kept being told to "quiet down" (I wasn't turned up loud and was even told people couldn't hear me). I returned when a number of people continuously asked me to return. I was told I added "fun" to the band and was a great asset. When I returned, I noticed I wasn't being mic'd and I brought it to the band's attention. After a few weeks of talking to them about it, they finally mic'd me up--people could actually hear me. The response was positive and overwhelming. The band has been understanding when I need to leave in the middle of songs (the life of a volunteer firefighter) and supports me. However, there is one specific person that drives me up a wall. He's been a mentor to me and he's a great guy--outside of the band. He's an accomplished musician who has toured and made a big name for himself on the jazz circuit. He was the leader of a few jazz bands and is an amazing musician. Because of this, it's no secret that his talents shine---sometimes outshine us. When I'm given a solo, he seems to HAVE to play his instrument (be it sax or piano) at the same time. I've been told not to play fills when the vocalists are singing (understandable) yet he has no problem playing when they are. He's spoken down to me and even belittled me during practice. The two songs I really enjoy have more of a rock feeling and he rewrites the songs to fit HIS style. Don't get me wrong, it's a cool style but, after a while, there needs to be a change. Practices get to the point where I hate music, by the end. Any suggestion I make is shot down because it "doesn't fit". I point out that my suggestion is exactly what is played in the song however, it's not good enough for this particular musician. I feel like my place doesn't matter. The last straw was this past Wednesday. We were supposed to listen to a song and figure it out. I play by ear so it's no problem for me. Everyone was trying to figure it out when he singled me out and told me to stop playing. My guitar wasn't up and I was quieter than every other musician. I was also play in sync with the guitar so no one could actually tell I was playing because it was so spot on. I rolled my eyes and stopped. He asked for the song to be started again so he could figure out the piano part (mind you...the song had no piano part). As the song started, I accidentally hit a string. The musician snapped at me and "shushed" me (much like you would to a barking dog). I was livid and the rest of the band could tell. They tried to tell me to brush it off but that was it---I put no effort or heart into the rest of practice. This musician takes on the leadership role when he's not the actual leader.

My question is to how I can let the band know I'm done with them without going into too many details or losing my cool. I was thinking of simply saying that I'm leaving the band because of personal reasons. My experience with them and the added uncertainty of being called out for the fire department both play major roles in my decision.

Any ideas/suggestions would be great. Thanks! Also, if you'd like more details, I'd be happy to share.

DewieCox

I'd be straight with them. Chances are, the others have noticed the real issue.

If he's a nice guy outside of the band, he may not even realize he's coming off like an ass.

mfc2006

Be honest.

xtremehardy388

Thanks, guys. I've mentioned stuff to them, off handed, and some people have noticed but they're excuse is that "he's pretty serious about practice". That's fine but it gets to the point where music isn't fun. In fact, it seems like a chore. He's a nice guy outside of practice but he's still got this...almost arrogance to him. He knows he's good..I don't know why he feels the need to continuously show off his talents. (For any of your wrestling fans, he's like John Cena or Triple H...both are over but they feel the need to bury younger talent). I think I'm going to pull our real director aside and let her know that I've appreciated the opportunity to play but that I'll be leaving the band. It sucks because this is the only place I really play music, now. Other than church, I haven't felt too inspired to play.

gimmesometruth27

if music feels like a chore, you are in the wrong band. it is that simple.

gimmesometruth27

it is like being in a relationship. if your girl is not giving you what you need emotionally, do you stick around and be miserable or do you find someone who will meet your emotional needs?

2-feign-reluctance

Keep it simple & honest. They are in charge of how they feel & react moving forward.

xtremehardy388

Thanks, everyone. It's been a love/hate relationship with this church. I've attended it since I was little (1992) and have had good and bad times. I'm worried how they'll react because my parents are good friends with some of them (especially the musician that has caused me the most problems) and we see everyone multiple times throughout the week. I like the location of the church since it's so close to home, in my jurisdiction, close to the station, and I know everyone. I've gotten great response from a number of members in the congregation and I have had some great times on stage. But, like gimmesometruth said, it sounds like I'm in the wrong band since music has become a chore. I really appreciate the advice and you all allowing me to vent.

gimmesometruth27

see man, you are younger than everyone else. they are not going to see you as a peer. they are going to view you as the "kid" that they can manipulate. you can tell that by how they did not mic your amp. they are telling you what NOT to play.they are changing arrangements on you without telling you. they are stifling you. they are friends of your parents, so they will always, always see you as the "kid" no matter how impressive of a musician you are. friends of my parents still view me as a child, and i am 38 years old. unfortunately, these are dynamics that will never change. in my opinion, you need to get out, or you will be in the musical funk you were in last year. best of luck to you in whatever you decide to do.

xtremehardy388

You're absolutely right and are reaffirming my suspicions. Yeah, you remember my funk from last year---while it got better for a little bit, it hasn't been enough to do anything--in fact it's gotten worse. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.

xtremehardy388

Update:

After a very long night (I would have rather been sleeping), I woke up ready to leave. I arrived and barely said a work. Normally I show up and jam with our drummer but this time I walked up (to my gear) and started unplugging all my pedals and putting them away. The pastor walked up and asked if I was just playing with no pedals and I said yes. After putting everything away, I took my pedal case to the back and set it aside. My pastor caught up and asked if everything was okay after Wednesday's practice (when it was evident that I was upset and hot). I said it was just fine--I had made my decision to step aside and leave the band,. He was visibly upset and asked if we could chat about it after our run through of songs. I accepted but mentioned that my mind was made up. We played through the songs and I put no heart into it (instead of strumming and really jamming to the songs, I just played static chords and showed no emotion). After the run through I headed into his office. He basically laid out that I added a lot and he loves jamming with me. I thanked him for taking me aside and chatting. I enjoyed jamming with him but the actions of the rest of the band speak louder than words. If I added so much, why did it take so long to even get my amp mic'd? If I added so much, why am I told to turn down when I can't hear myself, the congregation can't hear me, and if I do have some kind of a solo, someone else has to play the same thing over my guitar at a much louder level? I thanked him, again, for chatting, but that I had already let me voice be known and it was ignored. Only NOW is someone listening when I'm on my way out--and it's too late. The frustrations have really boiled over. I played our songs and then walked out.

It's about two hours since we've played and as I started typing this, the head music director called me and asked if we could chat. I listened to her side of the situation and thanked her for calling, the opportunity, and the honesty but said my mind was made up. She said that everyone has given input on music but that she hadn't heard from me. I told her I had given input but that it was never listened to. I told her felt like I was being treated like a kid and that I shouldn't be shushed like a dog. She said they viewed me as an adult and was sorry if it came across as something different. I thanked her, again, but said it was time for me to step aside. The band will cover the parts without me (they have been, anyway). I was glad to have the experience but, again, it's time to step aside. She asked if I'd be back in the future and I said that we'll see. The door would always be open.



Thank you all, AGAIN, for allowing me to vent and give me feedback on everything.

gimmesometruth27

you did the right thing. your passion for music has always been apparent since i began reading your posts years ago. it makes no sense to stay in a situation that makes you unhappy or causes you stress. life itself is stressful enough as it is. why allow doing something you are supposed to love interfere with your life and cause you stress?

i quit my band a few years ago. i was burnt out, but i was having conflict with our bass player. he was doing the same kinds of things to me. he was squelching my suggestions. immediately vetoing any ideas i had, and telling me to hold back from playing what i wanted to play. he was a couple of years older and the de facto leader of the band. he began to get busy with his job and we were having to cancel shows last minute because he would get hung up out of town. we talked with him about that, because his lack of commitment was harming the reputation that our band had spent 8 years building. it got to the point where he was unable to practice for 3 weeks at a time. he was holding the band hostage when clearly the band was not a priority for him. it got to the point where i would rather leave that band and focus my energy into building a new band from the ground up and working hard just to get shows. i met some guys to play with and they were driven, just like we used to be. so one day we were supposed to practice before a show in 2 weeks and the bass player emailed and said he was unavailable until the gig night. that was the last straw for me. so i composed a resignation email and sent it to the guys. i quit the band i started in 2001, because one guy made me fucking hate playing music. later that night everyone in the band called me and i did not answer. a couple of days later the lead guitarist, singer, and drummer showed up at my house to talk. they asked me to come back and i said no. they asked why. i said "because you assholes let things get bad enough that one of us was forced to quit." i had been telling them about my concerns for 9 or 10 months and nobody listened. they eventually said we want you to come back and bring the new bass player you have been jamming with. again i said no, because i did not want to be known as the guy who got the other guy thrown out of the band. the drummer said, "no man, you did not get him thrown out. the 3 of us made a decision to move on without him, bring you back, and get your new bass player to play with us." i ended up accepting and things have been good since then. the point of the story is, sometimes you need to make a break from a bad situation to eventually get to where you want to be musically. that change in band dynamic was the best thing that ever happened to my band, and once our new bassist took over, we were immediately a much, much better band, and the 5 of us have never gotten along so well. that one guy was toxic to the relationships within the band. maybe your quitting will bring about some changes within the band you just left. unfortunately you had to leave to bring about the changes. best of luck finding a new band

xtremehardy388

Thanks. There were many times where I'd just get sick of everything and just hang my head and play. It was insulting and degrading. At this point, I'm gonna back off playing with a band and focus on trying to sharpen my skills. I'm supposed to play on a friend's next album and I need to work on that. It will be interesting to show up, either next Sunday or the Sunday after (Next Sunday I have some Fire Dept. stuff to do) and see the response I get from not being on stage.

gimmesometruth27

the thing is, don't let what other people may think bother you. you made a move you needed to make. people might talk, and the story may get out there that they fired you or moved on without you or whatever. don't worry about that. do what is best for you and play what makes you feel good. people might talk, but they were not there in the room with you guys. they aren't privy to what was said. hold your head high and keep on keepin on.

justam

The quality of your musical life will improve dramatically if you find the right people to play with.

It's horrible to be in a situation where someone bullies everyone else in the group because they think they are the best. It doesn't have to be that way. Mutual respect is really important!

xtremehardy388

Agreed. I got a call from the musician in question. He asked if we could talk about it but, at that point, I just wanted to put it behind me. I said it was a misunderstanding and that, while it did have an effect on my decision, my schedule/inability to commit to playing also played a role. He mentioned that everyone understood my situation and that I was the best guitarist. I thanked him for the compliment and the call but my decision was made up. There were three other guitarists that could cover the part and he could easily cover any solos with his sax (something he already does and kinda pushes me aside). They said the door was always open and, again, I thanked everyone but it would be highly unlikely that I would return. It was a learning experience but this is the second time I've had differences and problems.

To be perfectly honest, I had some really fun times...but, as of late, I would come home upset and frustrated. Music/Practice became more of a chore and it stressed me out. Plus, it gets a bit embarrassing to have to drop your guitar, mid-song, and run out in front of everyone. It didn't happen all the time but it happened enough.