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Becoming a foster family

TangerineTangerine Posts: 880
edited December 2012 in All Encompassing Trip
OK, if anyone has been in a situation where they've taken custody of brothers/sisters children I'd appreciate any feedback. We're in that situation now. Our bio-child is 17, graduating Jun 1 and our "foster child" (my nephew) is 3. How do you emotionally deal with it?
2006: Boston I, Camden II
2007: Chicago
2008: Hartford, Mansfield I & II, EV Boston
2009: Philly III & IV
2010: Boston
2011: PJ20
2012: Philly
2013: Worcester I & II, Brooklyn I & II
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • supersonicyearssupersonicyears Posts: 2,619
    It's so wonderful of you to take care of your nephew. It must be confusing for him but at least he is with family. You must be a very caring person if you're asking for advice. I wish you the best.
    "In the age of darkness
    want to be enlightened"
  • DS1119DS1119 Posts: 33,497
    supersonicyears wrote:
    It's so wonderful of you to take care of your nephew. It must be confusing for him but at least he is with family. You must be a very caring person if you're asking for advice. I wish you the best.



    Pretty much this. :thumbup:
  • F Me In The BrainF Me In The Brain this knows everybody from other commets Posts: 31,597
    We also have assumed care of our nephew (8) but have no bio children....
    Oh how we wish we did. We support contact with his mom as much as we can and deal with some emotional needs/issues daily. Overall after 7 months he is making excellent progress with adjustment and with his emotional status.
    Good luck!
    The love he receives is the love that is saved
  • hostishostis Posts: 441
    we have just adopted a 3 year old, 5 months ago. Obviously different emotional concerns from fostering to adoption but if you want to discuss, feel free to pm me :-) good luck.
  • vduboisevduboise Posts: 1,937
    My friend did that with her brother and sister. She had to take them from a difficult situation- so she really had no choice in taking them in. It was hard- but she was patient and tried to do the best for them. She had them over 10 years until they reached 18.

    Good on you for making that decision to take him in. Just give him lots of love and understanding- but don't let him get away with things just because he's having a difficult time. That is the one lesson my friend had to learn.

    Good luck
  • belinda27belinda27 Posts: 731
    Just be you. 3 is a great age, all about living in the moment. Have fun and make some great memories. :D
  • TangerineTangerine Posts: 880
    Thanks for the responses. It's been tough the past couple of weeks trying to deal with my sister (the bio mom) who is sooooo....selfish it's ridiculous. Honestly I think we have to just cut her off for the sake of her son but in her eyes its going to be cutting her off entirely. Not sure what to do at this point, trying to coddle her into recovery isn't working very well....but I fear that cutting her off is going to trigger her into something that she'll either blame us for forever (we've been dealing with her addiction for 8+ years now) or can't blame us for because of the inevitable (ie. her children will both be taken away forever) :cry:
    2006: Boston I, Camden II
    2007: Chicago
    2008: Hartford, Mansfield I & II, EV Boston
    2009: Philly III & IV
    2010: Boston
    2011: PJ20
    2012: Philly
    2013: Worcester I & II, Brooklyn I & II
  • belinda27belinda27 Posts: 731
    Try not to be concerned with her opinion or blame because you know the reality.
    The steps your sister needs to take now are her own, focus on your nephew and your family.
  • F Me In The BrainF Me In The Brain this knows everybody from other commets Posts: 31,597
    Tangerine wrote:
    Thanks for the responses. It's been tough the past couple of weeks trying to deal with my sister (the bio mom) who is sooooo....selfish it's ridiculous. Honestly I think we have to just cut her off for the sake of her son but in her eyes its going to be cutting her off entirely. Not sure what to do at this point, trying to coddle her into recovery isn't working very well....but I fear that cutting her off is going to trigger her into something that she'll either blame us for forever (we've been dealing with her addiction for 8+ years now) or can't blame us for because of the inevitable (ie. her children will both be taken away forever) :cry:

    I feel for you. Your nephew being three and ours being 8 they are in very different places emotionally as far as impact from bio-mom I assume.
    We also have the difference in that bio-mom is mentally ill and not an addict as a primary issue (although addiction to her medications and self medication in general is something that goes hand in hand with this mental illness) so our general attitude toward her may be different.
    My two cents would be to try and work as hard as you can to shield your nephew from any ill will toward or from the bio-mom and just be super loving and supportive. Figure this is exactly what you are doing so it is silly advice but maybe it can be support for the path I think you should be taking.
    It is working well for us -- again, managing an 8 year old's perceptions is different than a 3 year old's...but still. :)

    Good luck & keep up the good work!
    The love he receives is the love that is saved
  • pandorapandora Posts: 21,855
    Tangerine wrote:
    Thanks for the responses. It's been tough the past couple of weeks trying to deal with my sister (the bio mom) who is sooooo....selfish it's ridiculous. Honestly I think we have to just cut her off for the sake of her son but in her eyes its going to be cutting her off entirely. Not sure what to do at this point, trying to coddle her into recovery isn't working very well....but I fear that cutting her off is going to trigger her into something that she'll either blame us for forever (we've been dealing with her addiction for 8+ years now) or can't blame us for because of the inevitable (ie. her children will both be taken away forever) :cry:
    As the people who do this know it is all about the children.
    God bless your big responsible loving hearts!

    Lots of love for all involved including the selfish, the addicted, the mentally ill.
    If losing one's child is not enough to get an addict to battle their demons
    nothing will. It is all up to them and hopefully in time they will find the strength
    to ask for help.

    It is a tricky tightrope walk to not unable the addict but also to keep a civil caring
    relationship and provide love. Children should see love and understanding
    this they will learn to do then throughout life.
    But there is no one who can disappoint like a parent, that pain runs deep for a child.
    The children must be protected from this.

    No one wants to be an addict when they grow up.
    Sometimes people do what is expected of them, family dynamics help make the adult.
    You could do some research. There are wonderful resources now for live in rehab
    that is free and children can even come and live with their mother.
    But it is only her to make the decision, she must be ready...
    hit rock bottom clawing her way back up.

    Thoughts and prayers most especially for your sister. Her son is in fine hands,
    your hands, your sister is too but can not see it yet. A 12 step is what she needs.
    Good luck to your family.
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