Telling someone they smell....
facepollution
Posts: 6,834
Anyone had to tell a friend they smell? I have a friend who smells like hot trash, seriously it is absolutely appalling. I don't think he washes his clothes from one month to the next, and aside from the fact that I have to smell it, it's really embarrassing when we're out and about in public and other people pick up on it.
I've been putting off telling him for ages, and nobody else in our group of friends wants to do it, but I think the time has come to say something, I just don't know how's best to say it. Any ideas?!
I've been putting off telling him for ages, and nobody else in our group of friends wants to do it, but I think the time has come to say something, I just don't know how's best to say it. Any ideas?!
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"Dude, I'm your friend so I'm going to be honest with you. You reek. Your stench would knock a buzzard off a shit wagon."
(with apologies to George Carlin)
Haha!
I should probably have added that this guy has self esteem issues so tact is essential!
Or a combination of the two?
All that I once held as true
I stand alone without beliefs
The only truth I know is you.
"Life Is What Happens To You When Your Busy Making Other Plans" John Lennon
With him already having self esteem problems he could probably take it hearing that he has body odor from 1 of his friends rather a stranger,I mean if it's that bad someone needs to tell him! Good Luck
Inner circle.
David 64xxx
Probably a mixture of both, but the clothes look really shitty with stains on them and stuff.
I can't believe he's not been told about his hygiene at work, he works in a pub kitchen - the heat in the kitchen must make it unbearable for his co-workers.
All that I once held as true
I stand alone without beliefs
The only truth I know is you.
Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
Telling a friend is much more difficult.
Things I'd like to know:
What's your friend's living situation like? Live alone? Have you seen his place? Is he a hoarder? Is he tidy?
Any roommates?
Any significant other?
Keep on touch with parents?
How often do you hang with said person?
What are reasons you hang out with this person?
Are there other things about this person that are off putting (like, is he a freeloader? cockblocker? Etc?)
This person go to school?
This person have a job?
This person belong to any clubs or gyms?
What are this person's hobbies?
Knowing this stuff would help me make a better decision on how to approach this.
6/29/06 - Milwaukee, WI
9/25/11 - Vancouver, BC
11/4/12 - (Eddie Vedder) Phoenix, AZ
11/1/13 - New Orleans, LA
11/19/13 - Phoenix, AZ
11/21/13 - San Diego, CA
10/12/14 - Austin, TX
10/22/14 - Denver, CO
8/22/16 - Chicago, IL (Wrigley 2)
5/9/22 - Glendale, AZ
5/18/24 - Las Vegas, NV
I don't think that would work, he's been around when people were talking about another friend's wife who also smells, and he didn't take the hints. I think the poor hygiene is probably just a symptom of his low self-esteem, I'm thinking maybe I need to go the route of pointing out that he doesn't seem to be taking care of himself with less emphasis on the hygiene thing.
He lives by himself, I've not seen his new place but his last place was messy, not filthy but not my idea of clean. While he is in touch with his parents his mum has some major health/psychological issues which is why he first moved out. I see him most weeks, he's just in our group of friends. He's not a freeloader or anything like that, if anything he's quite generous with the little money he has. As I said earlier he does work, no real hobbies other than watching sports - and he drinks quite a lot.
Things you might consider: gift him some self-help books and say "you're a good friend, these books have helped me a great deal, I'd like my friends to be as happy as I am" (even if you haven't read them)
Ask him if he wants to come with you to a laundromat to wash clothes and hang (maybe the guy doesn't know HOW to wash clothes), and maybe he might have some clothes he needs to get washed. Maybe get a couple other friends involved.
If you belong to the YMCA or something, invite him to work out with you. When it comes time to shower and clean up, and he doesn't, do the "really man? That's gross... Shower up and then we'll go get lunch" thing...
Might wanna consider a group intervention. Express how concerned you all are. Be thoughtful and genuine. It sounds like you guys value him and vice versa. No attacks. Just love.
Seems like there's more than just smell with this cat... Might even be best to consult a pro about addressing it. Not sure the smell is gonna go away until he takes care of some other issues.
Good luck, man!
6/29/06 - Milwaukee, WI
9/25/11 - Vancouver, BC
11/4/12 - (Eddie Vedder) Phoenix, AZ
11/1/13 - New Orleans, LA
11/19/13 - Phoenix, AZ
11/21/13 - San Diego, CA
10/12/14 - Austin, TX
10/22/14 - Denver, CO
8/22/16 - Chicago, IL (Wrigley 2)
5/9/22 - Glendale, AZ
5/18/24 - Las Vegas, NV
Bring a 6 pack and hang out with him at his place to watch some sports. If you're within smell distance, randomly take a whiff and tell him he stinks. Not in a "i think you have a chronic smell issue" but with a light hearted appproach that says "it's probably this one time and it happens to the best of us".
This will clear up the self-awareness issue and act as a starting point.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HtSpNJ7 ... ults_video
(Not that that happens to me very often. :P )
You could start by assuming that he doesn't realize that he smells or that it could be a problem for others.
I think that's the kindest way to help. Be direct but ask him questions like, "Did you realize that people notice when you clothes aren't clean and when you haven't showered? Did you realize that people that might otherwise like you are put off by the bad smell?"
That is respectful and assumes that he's unaware of the problem. Which, most likely, he is!!
A few years later we had the same situation with another customer. The guy really had an offensive odor. We literally had to open the doors in the dead of winter when he came in. Feeling a little braver from the previous experience, I said basically the same thing to this fellow. He looked at me and snarled and stormed out of the store and tromped down the street bellowing obscenities until he was out of ear shot. That was an extreme case though. This man needed more help than we could give him. Hard as it was, I felt ok about making the request though.
People react differently. I guess you just have to try to be as polite as possible and hope for the best. If it's said kindly and you reinforce the idea that no offense is intended you'll probably be fine.
Good luck