JuSt BrEaThE...
k9s4Bern
Posts: 30
Alone in the office, the only radio station to come in clearly was 104.5 The Point. As I listened to the barrage of meaningless music, I continued painting the logo onto the wall - The curvature of a dog’s body and Furry Bottoms Rescue - Helping One Dog At A Time. My mind, a crazy mixture of, well, of everything. I couldn’t really focus and the painting was therapeutic.
“Yes, I understand, that every life must end, uh huh...”
These words, I will never forget, as they interrupted my hand as well as my mind. I began crying, as I am now in recollection. This beautiful song, was meant for me at that exact juncture in my life. My beautiful Tullie, my best friend, my connection to happiness and all things canine, had to undergo a tremendous surgery to rid her of the cancer that had plagued her previously. This was the weight that had made lead of my blood and had trodden upon my soul.
To lose Tullie would be the unthinkable - she was the one to keep peace in my household. She was my living connection to my first canine companions, Beanie & Balou, who were my connection to how I had come to know the genuine goodness of living. To lose her would, in many ways, mean losing myself as well.
Mast cell tumors are cantankerous and repetitive. Unfortunately, they have been a part of my Weimaraner ownership since 1994. This one, on Tullie’s left front leg would mean a complete re-sectioning of her skin, the removal of a lymph node and a several week recovery. All of these I would accept for the mere possibility of extending her life - she was only six.
As I listened to the words, the voice, the instrumentation of Just Breathe, I suddenly felt and knew it was the immense talent of Pearl Jam.
“Stay with me, let’s just breathe...”
Selfishly, I thought how I would give anything, even part of my soul, my essence to keep her with me and get through this.
“Hold me ‘til I die, meet you on the other side...”
Each word seemed to exemplify an emotion I was feeling. This song carried me through, in all three minutes-ish, of the possible outcomes. I knew that if I had to lose her, I would be the one to hold her while her life slipped from her body. My work at the vet clinic has allowed for great compassion and connection and with the animal world. I know deep within my heart, I want that last presence, that last love, that last look to be from me and of me.
I finished my painting for the day just as Lisa came in. Because I had been crying, she was concerned. I explained the song and how I had never heard it before but that it seemed to be about Tullie and I and then we were both crying. The beauty of my friendship with Lisa is that she “gets” just how connected I am with my canine pack.
That same night, I looked up the song on YouTube and watched the “unofficial” video of it. Pearl Jam - I found myself looking at the faces of these men, who I had seen so many times before, and was able to see the rich affect of their lives - within their smiles, looks of pensivity, stances, and within the etchings of their skin. Pearl Jam has always been one of my favorite bands. Their music has been the soundtrack of my life - I have always loved them -partly because of our similarities in age. I have always felt that somehow, they were mine and belonged to me. They have always been very real for me - very human. It is as if they were guys I grew up with - and essentially, they are. While their talent and fame is extraordinary, it is that very “ordinary” and “regular” identity that is so real. If I were to meet them - and it is on my “Bucket List” to do so, I would first thank each of them for the music and life they have shared with me and millions of others.
Never far from my conscious, dogs are always there - even in a Pearl Jam music video. And for me, Just Breathe has become the much needed reminder in so many situations such as when my father passed away - a good friend said simply, “Just breathe,” and I did. It has become what I tell myself in the waiting room or surgery room as one of my four legged friends is undergoing the knife. It is what I first tell my students at school who come to me for advice - before we delve into what is really going on. It is what I will say tomorrow, at the funeral of a student who died too young.
Because words hold so much power, I carry around a polished stone that reads, “Just Breathe.” I carry it with me as a gentle reminder that the breath of life is an amazing gift - whether it manifests itself from musicians like my Pearl Jam guys, or from the dogs that give my life purpose.
“Yes, I understand, that every life must end, uh huh...”
These words, I will never forget, as they interrupted my hand as well as my mind. I began crying, as I am now in recollection. This beautiful song, was meant for me at that exact juncture in my life. My beautiful Tullie, my best friend, my connection to happiness and all things canine, had to undergo a tremendous surgery to rid her of the cancer that had plagued her previously. This was the weight that had made lead of my blood and had trodden upon my soul.
To lose Tullie would be the unthinkable - she was the one to keep peace in my household. She was my living connection to my first canine companions, Beanie & Balou, who were my connection to how I had come to know the genuine goodness of living. To lose her would, in many ways, mean losing myself as well.
Mast cell tumors are cantankerous and repetitive. Unfortunately, they have been a part of my Weimaraner ownership since 1994. This one, on Tullie’s left front leg would mean a complete re-sectioning of her skin, the removal of a lymph node and a several week recovery. All of these I would accept for the mere possibility of extending her life - she was only six.
As I listened to the words, the voice, the instrumentation of Just Breathe, I suddenly felt and knew it was the immense talent of Pearl Jam.
“Stay with me, let’s just breathe...”
Selfishly, I thought how I would give anything, even part of my soul, my essence to keep her with me and get through this.
“Hold me ‘til I die, meet you on the other side...”
Each word seemed to exemplify an emotion I was feeling. This song carried me through, in all three minutes-ish, of the possible outcomes. I knew that if I had to lose her, I would be the one to hold her while her life slipped from her body. My work at the vet clinic has allowed for great compassion and connection and with the animal world. I know deep within my heart, I want that last presence, that last love, that last look to be from me and of me.
I finished my painting for the day just as Lisa came in. Because I had been crying, she was concerned. I explained the song and how I had never heard it before but that it seemed to be about Tullie and I and then we were both crying. The beauty of my friendship with Lisa is that she “gets” just how connected I am with my canine pack.
That same night, I looked up the song on YouTube and watched the “unofficial” video of it. Pearl Jam - I found myself looking at the faces of these men, who I had seen so many times before, and was able to see the rich affect of their lives - within their smiles, looks of pensivity, stances, and within the etchings of their skin. Pearl Jam has always been one of my favorite bands. Their music has been the soundtrack of my life - I have always loved them -partly because of our similarities in age. I have always felt that somehow, they were mine and belonged to me. They have always been very real for me - very human. It is as if they were guys I grew up with - and essentially, they are. While their talent and fame is extraordinary, it is that very “ordinary” and “regular” identity that is so real. If I were to meet them - and it is on my “Bucket List” to do so, I would first thank each of them for the music and life they have shared with me and millions of others.
Never far from my conscious, dogs are always there - even in a Pearl Jam music video. And for me, Just Breathe has become the much needed reminder in so many situations such as when my father passed away - a good friend said simply, “Just breathe,” and I did. It has become what I tell myself in the waiting room or surgery room as one of my four legged friends is undergoing the knife. It is what I first tell my students at school who come to me for advice - before we delve into what is really going on. It is what I will say tomorrow, at the funeral of a student who died too young.
Because words hold so much power, I carry around a polished stone that reads, “Just Breathe.” I carry it with me as a gentle reminder that the breath of life is an amazing gift - whether it manifests itself from musicians like my Pearl Jam guys, or from the dogs that give my life purpose.
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