Lamentations Of A Dying Fan

ChemicalKT · June 2012

I must apologise before I begin this little rant, I do not know what to call this post or why even I feel the need to post this. I imagine most people facing their own mortality feel a need to unburden themselves in some way or another, I suppose this is no different. I do not expect anyone to even reply to this, there is not a lot to say and there is nothing I am expecting. Honestly, I have been wanting so baldy to write to the band themselves but I do not know how to do that. So I suppose this is my attempt at reaching them in some round about way, though I have no illusions about what is actually going to happen.

I am a 29 year old American who moved to England to be with my husband ten years ago. Seven years ago, I became ill. Essentially, my entire digestive system has been very slowly shutting down over the last seven years and no doctor or specialist knows why. The last three years has been a constant struggle to simply keep me alive and my husband and I have had to face the fact that I am not going to live much longer. I have lost my hair twice due to malnutrition and my body has aged about 50 years in the last seven. We know it will be a miracle if I can live to our 11 year anniversary. This September will be 10 years. All of this, we are learning to cope with. Fortunately, we were unable to have children before I became ill, but with my entire family in the USA and my hubby being my main carer and me being house-bound except for VERY special occasions or the multitude of doctor and specialist appointments I have. Through all of this, it has been Pearl Jam and Eddie Vedder's music that has kept me fighting through the constant hunger, (I have not been able to eat for over five years now, all I have goes through a jejunal feeding tube that bypasses the stomach altogether), the constant pain, the constant depression. My husband is my rock and my strength, but Pearl Jam's music keeps me going while Nik works and through the darkest nights both at home and in my MANY hospital stays. Pearl Jam has in a very real and in some ways literal sense, kept me alive and will continue to keep me fighting everyday until my poor heart finally says "No more, thank you."

The really pathetic thing is that I am also one of those fans who had to fight my entire life to survive. I will not get into all of the horrors of my childhood. All I will say is that from the first time I heard, well, saw "Jeremy" on MTV, through to today itself, Pearl Jam has always been such a huge factor in keeping me alive and fighting each and every day to have some kind of life, some kind of happiness. I was blessed enough to find my husband Nik and to actually have him love me back. We had three years of married life and then the cosmos seems to have held onto this special illness to rob my of an adult life with someone who actually loves and cares for me.

Pearl Jam has always been an incredible source of strength for me and they will be until the day I die. It's that simple. The perhaps, biggest irony from this is that I have never, EVER had an opportunity to see Pearl Jam perform. Not once. Well, after making dozens of calls and arrangements to see if I could even physically get there, I have purchased two tickets to their show in Manchester on the 21st of June. I still have no guarantee I will not be in hospital again by the time it rolls round. I have in fact just finished a six week stint in the LRI on just water and vitamin shots. But this is a chance, a real chance to actually be there and hear their music live and I have cried again and again with joy, fear, everything. This is not only my first chance to see them, it will very likely be my ONLY chance to ever see them. Even if I live another two or three years, (it never hurts to try and be an optimist), what are the odds they will be touring again, so close, relatively speaking, to where we live (Loughborough, Leicstershire). I NEED to be there.

Not only is this just something to look forward to, to fight to get to; it is also the fulfilment of a nearly life-long dream. I had such such silly fantasies, while calling round. I need so many medications and am so restricted in my mobility (yet still do not own my own wheelchair since I only leave the bungalow to go to hospitals anyway), I really had difficulty finding out if the arena could provide me with the many needs I have. I really began to fantasize that someone, somewhere down the line would think "You know what? This is a dying fan who wants nothing more than to be able to attend a concert. I wonder if we could get her backstage?" Or some such nonsense. Calls would be made and I would be contacted out of the blue with backstage passes and would actually get to meet the band, if only for a second. I know, how many people must daydream about such things. Still, even being in such a crappy seat, just to be able to get about and for my husband to be able to administer my medications as needed, I cried with joy when my tickets arrived today. Just to be there. Never mind that I will need to get some opera glasses or an old fashioned set of binoculars to see the stage, I will be there. I will be there and I will heard that wonderful music blaring out at the audience and I will thank the universe for allowing me that one privilege before I die.

I suppose that's it really. My little rant of my love and devotion and, above all, my appreciation of Pearl Jam and their music. Of being able to even attend a live show! I really do not expect anyone to respond to this, or even to read it really; but, if anyone out there knows of an address to send fan mail to, just to try and reach the band and thank them for all their music has done for me, I would be eternally grateful!

Love from yet another fan,
KT

P.S. I cried so much while typing this up that I have not been able to reread it or clean it up, so please bare with me!

hanjenni · June 2012

i have no real words, but i wish you all the best, some way to ease your pain and that someone out there can maybe help you with this wish. i am glad you have tickets to a show and hope you stay well enough to attent. being there, and *feeling* the music, will be amazing regardless of location and i hope it is everything you imagine it to be.

MissJam81 · June 2012

Im so sorry to hear that... Be strong.... here is 10C Fan mail details, its under Ten Club/Contact link:

Ten Club
PO Box 81429
Seattle, WA
98108-1329

catozzijoe · June 2012

Oddly enough i was just listening to Pearl Jam radio and found myself walking the hallway singing lightly..." I know i was born and i know that i'll die...the in between is mine".
From where youve been and to all the places your going..every moment is yours. Hope is a powerful thing.
There are a few "contacts" listed on the Pearl Jam website at the bottom of the page. Write up a few emails and be sure to include your ticket information. Seat, section, row. We love the band and everyone involved with the day to day including the band love us.
Wishing you all the best in life and health.

ayudamemalverde · June 2012

This was so touching. I understand the effect Pearl Jam has had in your life because it did the same for mine. I hope from the bottom of my heart that you get to meet them and tell them this yourself. It would give a Pearl Jam fan great satisfaction.

I wish you the best and hope for another letter after the concert where you tell us how amazing that experience was. Good luck.

Salvador from Mexico

Stypo420 · June 2012

Best of luck to you I hope all your dreams come true.

Rozbr · June 2012

Soooo much positive energy from Brazil !!!!

Corduroy997 · June 2012

This can't be.. While reading this I'm listening to Benaroya 03', and the second I'm finished reading Immortality starts up. Very touching! I really hope you can get to the show! And that somehow you can fight your way through your pain and live longer than you, or anyone, would think! Keep ighting and believing! You have my thoughts and love!

dottles · June 2012

Couldn't read and not post, though I am not sure I have any words.
Keep strong and see you in Manchester xx

oona left · June 2012

I've followed this band for over 20 years now (as many of us have).

I've seen and heard them do incredibly generous things for countless individuals. I cannot imagine a more deserving recipient than yourself.

I truly hope you make the show, and the experience exceeds your wildest fantasies.

acutejam · June 2012

Wow. Big, heavy sigh. It's gonna work out, you'll be there! Sounds like you're thinking everything through just fine....

I'm someone else's "Nik" though I only drop cryptic hints about it here and there, so thank you for just baring your soul like this.

Concerts have become our main outings. Unfortunately, get ready to stare at folk's asses all night. Countless times we've had clueless folks right in front of us stand through the whole show. But what can they do, if everyone stands, they wouldn't be able to see if they worry about us. I'll ask folks to be aware and leave just a slim window for her, no harm in asking.

A few venues have the raised platforms or edge-of-balcony spots as the handicap areas -- or, cross your fingers, front row spots. Regardless, we've had VERY few problems at the venues, the staff will bend over backwards to make your visit as easy as possible.

The ushers around the handicap areas will typically introduce themselves right off the bat and let you know where the medical station is and the handicap bathrooms. It's not uncommon to have both an usher and a medical staffer come check on us right before the show starts. And I'll typically take a detour after merch just to make sure I know where the stations are (pretty much have 'em all scouted out at all our local venues...). Let them know we're there.

I'm in California where we have some savvy folks, but I will say, when inlaws took the wife over to England a few years ago, she was amazed at how courteous and helpful everyone was over there -- you might not have all the ADA facilities and conviences we have mandated in the states, but that was totally overcome by the thoughtfulness of complete strangers. So I wouldn't even be suprised if you don't get the ass-tastic treatment!

Anyways, I've probably taken her to over two dozen shows now so if there's anything I can do, any questions or logistics I can chat about, don't hesitate to drop me a note!

PJForceofNature · June 2012

I was so touched to read your post. As someone else said, this is a band that really cares about their fans, and I hope that somehow your dream to meet them backstage comes true.

I hope you enjoy every single second of the concert in Manchester-I know it will be a magical night for you.

Keep strong and keep your faith. My prayers are with you.

iamica · June 2012

Best wishes to you. Know that you are loved, and enjoy the show. It's always a huge experience to see PJ live.

deftones · June 2012

Our love and best wishes to you from me and my wife.

Leezestarr313 · June 2012

I wish you all the best, keep up your hopes and stay strong. And have a blast at the Manc show! Hugs and good vibes!

And contact the adresses on this site, you never know what might be possible!

BLACK35 · June 2012

I really hope you get to the show to experience PJ live, you will never forget it and to be there with the man that has been your rock through thius entire ordeal will be an amazing event. Be strong and many prayers go out to you and husband.
You better take along a box of Kleenex, doens't sound like you will be able to stop crying through the entire show (tears of joy)