What do you wish you would have asked your parents?
who_me13
Posts: 53
So my dad is dying of pancreatic cancer. It's far enough along that there is no chance of operation and the only solution is to try to buy time until he goes. It was diagnosed about 2 months ago and he likely only has a few months left. I'm in my mid 20s and not sure how to deal with it, besides listening to Man of the Hour (duh). On the bright side, I do have the privilege of knowing that time ISN'T unlimited anymore and I have a chance to get closure and finish things with him on my terms, to some extent.
I was thinking about documenting in some sort of project/interview form, questions that I would like to ask him before he goes. I thought it would be interesting and engaging if other people submitted things that they wished they would have had a chance to ask their parents before they passed. Obviously no one wants to know EVERYTHING about their parents, but if your parents have passed and you wish you would have asked something, I'd like to know what that is.
Or even if they haven't and there is something you want to know before they go, write it here. I am going to hopefully get some sort of video together over his last days, with questions that have been submitted.
Thanks everyone.
I was thinking about documenting in some sort of project/interview form, questions that I would like to ask him before he goes. I thought it would be interesting and engaging if other people submitted things that they wished they would have had a chance to ask their parents before they passed. Obviously no one wants to know EVERYTHING about their parents, but if your parents have passed and you wish you would have asked something, I'd like to know what that is.
Or even if they haven't and there is something you want to know before they go, write it here. I am going to hopefully get some sort of video together over his last days, with questions that have been submitted.
Thanks everyone.
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Where did you meet mom?
When did you know it was the right time to propose?
Why did you push me towards playing hockey and then coach me until I was 14 but you never played a day in your life?
Where's the key to the closet in my old bedroom that holds my baseball/hockey card collection?
Why did you volunteer for the Marines at the start of the Vietnam Conflict and then after all of the bullshit you went through in your first tour you signed up for a second?
Why did you have dentures at such a young age?
How many times did I think I was getting away with something, it was actually you letting me get away with it?
These are some that just come to mind for me and I'm stopping because it's a little hard to think about. If I think of anymore I'll post.
I have also had dreams of his final days even though it should still be months away. It's almost like pre-grieving.
i really dont know what to tell you...
id probably ask,what need to do to be the best parent as possible my self..
the only thing i m sure ill tell him,is how much i love him and thank him for everyhing
,every day till his last.in every chance i will have to be with him,
i would tell him how much i love him and Thank you for everything..
again,im so sorry
"..That's One Happy Fuckin Ghost.."
“..That came up on the Pillow Case...This is for the Greek, With Our Apologies.....”
I have died with both my parents and my eldest sister, all very different experiences.
My father in law, like a father to me, passed 16 years ago very suddenly
leaving unfinished business for us all, some I have had to come to terms with.
My father passed 22 years ago when I was 34, my mother 13 years ago, my sister 7.
I tell you this because where I was in my life's wisdom and experience a direct
correlation to how I handled death and how I might want to change that.
As far as questions, after tracing my family ancestry, I would like more family stories
and personal questions have arisen from research since all their passings.
I would say encourage talk about past lives of his loved ones and himself.
Try to gather family pictures and treasure them always.
This a most bittersweet time, one you will learn much about yourself, one that will
be yours forever. Leaving this world with dignity, strength, love and pride
are all there for your father and it is you and his family who will insure this.
It sounds wrong to say enjoy but it is your final time and that is what you must do to
preserve his memory. He will be with you always.
I’m lucky that both of my parents are still with us.
I think it would be interesting to find out your father’s experience with world events, for instance, where was he/how old was he when Kennedy was assassinated, when man first went to the moon. That kind of stuff, a personal eyewitness to historical events, getting their perspective, fascinates me.
If I were you, I would also take the time to tell your father about things you remember involving him from your youth – when he taught you how to ride a bike, or took you to your first ballgame. Let him know how much that stuff means to you.
Take care.
i'd ask why don't you use your fucking head? why throw away stupid bullshit when it could have been recycled; i just don't get it. and why do you mom go from calm to fighting mode in 1 second all over something so simple and ridiculous? i do not understand why you are so fucking lazy; it is as if you want to die as soon as possible; why aren't you fighting harder to live, why the sitting on your ass 24x7?
i ask these questions every frickin day....
and dad, why did you turn me into a teenage alcoholic? why did you help ruin my life, dad? and hey dad, why did you not take better care of your middle son who had diabetes?
screw it... i'm swimming ridiculously because you two parents are fuck ups. but i do love ya both but you do piss me off.
"Hear me, my chiefs!
I am tired; my heart is
sick and sad. From where
the sun stands I will fight
no more forever."
Chief Joseph - Nez Perce
Did you really want to divorce Mom?
How come you did not quit smoking?
Why did you blatantly favor me over my brother (the guilt of this is extraordinary)
Why were you such a better dad than I am? What am I doing wrong?
Why did you marry that horrible woman?
So many more...
Luckily I have time to ask these questions, if I could muster up the courage...
www.cluthelee.com
www.cluthe.com
It sounds like you'll treasure this precious time left, and I really like the idea of documentation. My dad, who died in September 2008 of prostate cancer, had wanted to do this - talking about his childhood, the Holocaust, WWII, government work - but never got around to it. (We did speak of some of it over time, though. I'm grateful for that.)
May I suggest something in addition to your honorable goal here?
If you feel he's been a good father, husband, friend - whatever it may be - say it, tell him. Make him know this. Yes, this too is about you and your own closure, but it's about his as well.
At the hospice with my dad three days before he died, I made it about him. Had to. I thanked him for being such a decent man...for being loving, for being openminded, for having humor and appreciation of life after facing horrors...for never NOT being the father he should be, for never NOT being the husband he should be. He needed to know (I thought so, anyway) that as his daughter, I was proud of the life he lived, the ethics by which he lived, and all that he passed on to my sister and me.
I wish you well on this journey. Your father, too.
I also wish the OP and his father well on the journey, and that they can have joy and appreciation in the time left.
"..That's One Happy Fuckin Ghost.."
“..That came up on the Pillow Case...This is for the Greek, With Our Apologies.....”
For your dad, tell him! Never hold back, for both your sakes.
Good thoughts to you.
Also wanted to say to Dissidentman, you mentioned mustering the courage to ask the questions you wanted. Just ask - maybe they're mustering the courage to share. Either way, it's worth it.
also, I have one that's in journal form where you could write the questions right in the book. I did it with my mom (not because she's dying) and I found out alot about her that I didn't know, especially about her childhood and stuff that I wouldn't even think of asking about.
I'm sure a bookstore could help you find something similar for father. (I'm sorry)
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/300-que ... 0882909783
cos in this bad situation he is right now,open this thread and i believe this make alot of us ,to ..stop for a minute..and think..
Thank you...
"..That's One Happy Fuckin Ghost.."
“..That came up on the Pillow Case...This is for the Greek, With Our Apologies.....”
Both of my parents passed away when I was in high school. Here are some of the things I would have liked to have known:
1. What were they like in college? What were their friends like? Hobbies?
2. What were their hopes and dreams?
3. What were they most proud of in their lives?
4. What were their hopes for me?
5. What would they have done differently in their lives?
God bless.
kevinbeetle: "Yes. When her career washes up and her and Gavin move to Galveston, you will meet her at Hot Topic shopping for a Japanese cheerleader outfit.
Next!"
Knowing that choices you made is ending your life sooner than it should end, and knowing that means I will live well over half of my life with out a mom or dad now, was it worth it?
Also,
Are you at all proud of me, for anything?
"To question your government is not unpatriotic --
to not question your government is unpatriotic."
-- Sen. Chuck Hagel
"To question your government is not unpatriotic --
to not question your government is unpatriotic."
-- Sen. Chuck Hagel