Parenting Advice
bindy123
Posts: 210
So I have found myself with yet another parenting conundrum...but as a new member of this site...thought I would try to get some advice from the combined knowledge of all you fine people...
Sorry it will be a long post...and despite being biased when it comes to my kids...I will try to be as objective as possible and just post the facts as I know them...
My second oldest kid told me a month or so ago a kid was giving him a hard time at school and was looking for a fight. My son is 16. The other kid is new to the school, just got expelled from his previous school for a series of violent acts against other students and teachers. This is fact, I have a personal friend who teaches at the school he was expelled from
This kid, according to my son, made a bunch of threatening remarks to one of his best friends and his girlfriend...the comments continued for a period of a few weeks...my son confronted him and told him to stop it, probably not with those words (I am not that biased!)...so since then my son has been the object of his attention.
Now my son has trained as an amateur boxer for three years...he has had 10 fights and won a state title...the other kid was fully aware of this. My son is the most placid of kids and has never been even close to being in a fight outside of the boxing ring. He is not academic but has never been in any trouble with teachers or at school in general. I am aware that his choice of sport may cause some to form views about him...I can only say that he is a really respectful, humble, well-mannered kid who has never given me a days grief
I spoke with him about the issue and we agreed he needed to do everything possible to avoid physical conflict...but he said he would not bring it to the teachers attention like I advised him to...anyway...the other kid continuously tried to provoke my son, posting facebook comments about him, text messages...etc
Friday my son was sent home from school. He told me that the other kid and three of his friends blocked him in a corridor at the school and the kid pushed him against the wall. A fight followed... I have to meet with the school on Friday to discuss his return.
The other kid got to go back to school yesterday...just a two day suspension...my son said that due to the damage done to the other kid the school assumed my son was the agressor...my son got a five day suspension...he was on a gold level on the behaviour award thing the schools do over here, he drops three levels of that
Do I battle with the school or cop it on the chin
What sort of consequences are appropriate for my son
How do I tell him he should have dealt with the situation, what should he do if this happens again
I have taught all my kids how to box, along with the message that if they get into fights outside the ring I wont train them anymore...this goes for their friends I have taught also...where does this fit in with this issue
Any other advice
Thanks
Sorry it will be a long post...and despite being biased when it comes to my kids...I will try to be as objective as possible and just post the facts as I know them...
My second oldest kid told me a month or so ago a kid was giving him a hard time at school and was looking for a fight. My son is 16. The other kid is new to the school, just got expelled from his previous school for a series of violent acts against other students and teachers. This is fact, I have a personal friend who teaches at the school he was expelled from
This kid, according to my son, made a bunch of threatening remarks to one of his best friends and his girlfriend...the comments continued for a period of a few weeks...my son confronted him and told him to stop it, probably not with those words (I am not that biased!)...so since then my son has been the object of his attention.
Now my son has trained as an amateur boxer for three years...he has had 10 fights and won a state title...the other kid was fully aware of this. My son is the most placid of kids and has never been even close to being in a fight outside of the boxing ring. He is not academic but has never been in any trouble with teachers or at school in general. I am aware that his choice of sport may cause some to form views about him...I can only say that he is a really respectful, humble, well-mannered kid who has never given me a days grief
I spoke with him about the issue and we agreed he needed to do everything possible to avoid physical conflict...but he said he would not bring it to the teachers attention like I advised him to...anyway...the other kid continuously tried to provoke my son, posting facebook comments about him, text messages...etc
Friday my son was sent home from school. He told me that the other kid and three of his friends blocked him in a corridor at the school and the kid pushed him against the wall. A fight followed... I have to meet with the school on Friday to discuss his return.
The other kid got to go back to school yesterday...just a two day suspension...my son said that due to the damage done to the other kid the school assumed my son was the agressor...my son got a five day suspension...he was on a gold level on the behaviour award thing the schools do over here, he drops three levels of that
Do I battle with the school or cop it on the chin
What sort of consequences are appropriate for my son
How do I tell him he should have dealt with the situation, what should he do if this happens again
I have taught all my kids how to box, along with the message that if they get into fights outside the ring I wont train them anymore...this goes for their friends I have taught also...where does this fit in with this issue
Any other advice
Thanks
"God created surfing and Pearl Jam so that the truely gifted, talented and most intelligent people wouldnt rule the world"...adapted from my bumper sticker
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As for meeting with the principal, I would see if you can get screen shots of what the other kid said. As well as the other things you outlined. If he is being a cyber-bully, I am fairly sure that is in the schools jurisdiction so they can do something about that.
Good luck
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I understand that your son didn't want to invlvle teachers or administration in the problem but if he had brought it to someone's attention that he was being bullied then the other kid would have gotten in greater trouble while your son would have not been suspended or had reduced time (which if he has been in trouble at another school his record has followed him and the school should see a pattern). Just a thought. Also, I would document everything that other kid says/does from here on out to use against him if necessary. Search FB and Twitter if need be.
Seems my preconceptions are what should have been burned...
I AM MINE
He may drop three levels on some made up bullshit behaviour award creation but that kid who's ass he kicked isn't going to bother him anymore. AFTER AN EXPLANATION ABOUT VIOLENCE BEING THE LAST RESORT & THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN VIOLENCE AND SELF-DEFENSE, Take him out for ice cream & let him play video games & stay up all night & sleep all day.
1998: Barrie
2000: Montreal, Toronto, Auburn Hills
2003: Cleveland, Buffalo, Toronto, Montreal
2004: Boston X2, Grand Rapids
2005: Kitchener, London, Hamilton, Montreal, Ottawa, Toronto
2006: Toronto X2
2009: Toronto
2011: PJ20, Montreal, Toronto X2, Hamilton
2012: Manchester X2, Amsterdam X2, Prague, Berlin X2, Philadelphia, Missoula
2013: Pittsburg, Buffalo
2014: Milan, Trieste, Vienna, Berlin, Stockholm, Oslo, Detroit
2016: Ottawa, Toronto X2
2018: Padova, Rome, Prague, Krakow, Berlin, Barcelona
2023: Chicago X2
2024: New York X2
Of everyone in the world we are the most biased, as parents,
watching them grow, nurturing, believing in them. We must factor in
the power of peer pressure influence, in this case negative and that they will react
in ways we don't anticipate.
They are learning and will make mistakes. Ours is to make sure they are not
life changing mistakes.
Schools punish the innocent with the guilty in a zero tolerance for violence,
your child was not innocent. He should have not used his boxing skills
at school and should have reported the incidents to a school counselor.
Nobody wants to tell but if you are going to be punished then you must,
because he is suffering as a result. He may have a reputation now, one that may precede,
one that other kids could challenge or fear. One that teachers could misinterpret as threatening
and disruptive.
Consequences? I would tell him just that... who do you want to be? Yes he is more powerful
but does he want to have to prove this and hurt others? Dealing with any bullying
one just has to know that they are above the bully and it is their weakness showing.
This is the power adults learn... all through life there are bullies. Everyone looks down
on a bully except another one.
I would not challenge the school.
I would remind your boy of the power he holds in his hands. To respect this. If this happened
in the real world at your local bar he would be in jail put on probation or worse.
You have given your boy an advantage he must learn to not use but in the ring.
Gather your cyber evidence and fight it.
Tom O.
"I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?"
-The Writer
Welcome Bindy.... I've been there in these bulling situations many kids fine themselves along with your son. While reading the beginning of your post the very first thing that came to my mind was to inform the school of the situation just in case your son's situation escalates. That way if it did you would be covered if a suspension was to follow. Well now that has been handed down so the best you can do at this point it show the administration any evidence you may have PRIOR to the fighting incident to show who may have been the aggressor ex. twits or the facebook thing.
I wish for you all the best and do inform on the outcome of this...I'd like to see if schools handle these situations differently now. Oh in my case after after a year of being bullied by 7-9 of them I picked out the weaktest of the lot when he was alone. I beat him to a pulp...I was suspended for 4 days but because my bullying had been reported numerous times the previous year it was reduced to 1 day.
Peace
*MUSIC IS the expression of EMOTION.....and that POLITICS IS merely the DECOY of PERCEPTION*
.....song_Music & Politics....Michael Franti
*The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite INSANE*....Nikola Tesla(a man who shaped our world of electricity with his futuristic inventions)
came to shove - he defended himself and rightfully so.
The other kid has a history of violence, no? Sounds like the school needs a good ass kicking.
All kidding aside... My oldest had major confidence issues and sent him to Karate... Just became a black belt... He is like your son and would never be the aggressor but would defend himself and well....
I think your advice to try and prevent the actual confrontation was the right first step... I think your son did whatr he had to do and you should praise his attempt at not being the aggressor.
Agree with the others, get the interenet material... and defend you son to the hilt.
1 slap because that's all it would take.
I agree, after my fight i thought my mother was going to kill mewhen i got home....she gave me a big hug and told me "son you did what you had to and did it VERY well". For a 12 year old at the time i was SO relieved she then took me and bandaged up my knuckles.
Peace
*MUSIC IS the expression of EMOTION.....and that POLITICS IS merely the DECOY of PERCEPTION*
.....song_Music & Politics....Michael Franti
*The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite INSANE*....Nikola Tesla(a man who shaped our world of electricity with his futuristic inventions)
I am wondering, now that your son beat them, has the bullying stopped? If that fight put and end to it, then I would say it was worth it.
So we met with the deputy principal today...we were able to bring a fair bit of info that we put together over the last few days that gave a much fuller picture of what happened...this included a series of discusting texts that had been sent to DJ (my son) and a few of his friends, as well as phone video footage of the entire fight...thankfully this backed up DJs version of the incident
Was really proud of DJ...he told the dep how sorry he was about what had happened, and that he wasnt trying to prove he was blameless...and he fully accepted any consequences the school felt were necesarry
The deputy seemed a bit shocked and was quite apologetic...she said she had basically accepted the version of the event that the four other boys had given her, which was that DJ had just attacked the other kid without provocation and they were trying to protect him...I did ask her whether any other kids that saw it were questioned and she said no...she also admitted that djs history of boxing contributed to why he was punished so much more than the other kid
Anyway DJ was able to stay at school today, he only gets dropped one level on the behaviour thing, and the other kid is getting suspended for another two days
Oh and just to clarify...the other three kids that were there werent involved in the fight...it wasnt a four on one type deal...sorry if my op suggested it was
Thanks again
The only purpose of this type of thing is to assist in separation, and when that happens it creates even bigger problems socially for the kids and it also forces competition. What a joke!
This behaviour level 'thing' has W.M.A. written all over it!
1998: Barrie
2000: Montreal, Toronto, Auburn Hills
2003: Cleveland, Buffalo, Toronto, Montreal
2004: Boston X2, Grand Rapids
2005: Kitchener, London, Hamilton, Montreal, Ottawa, Toronto
2006: Toronto X2
2009: Toronto
2011: PJ20, Montreal, Toronto X2, Hamilton
2012: Manchester X2, Amsterdam X2, Prague, Berlin X2, Philadelphia, Missoula
2013: Pittsburg, Buffalo
2014: Milan, Trieste, Vienna, Berlin, Stockholm, Oslo, Detroit
2016: Ottawa, Toronto X2
2018: Padova, Rome, Prague, Krakow, Berlin, Barcelona
2023: Chicago X2
2024: New York X2
Its a really good discussion to have...Id be really interested to hear some views from some teachers.
I have mixed views on it. It is based on a rewarding good behaviour thing...and that in principal I think is ok...for those kids that are geared towards achievement...it provides a good opportunity for them to do that, they can get certificates for their resumes, get involved in other positive activities...good luck to them
The problem is for those kids that dont really fit in to the structures of the school system...they get into negative levels...this stops them from going on school excursions, playing for the school in sporting teams, going to discos etc...these kids get that negative message reinforced to them...they are bad...thats the side of it I really dislike
Many factors affect what kind of adults we'll be.
Things are not always fair in the workplace and adult world.
There are bullies, there are rewards for some and not others,
there is unacceptable behavior and consequence learned.
These are all things we guide our children through in school and we watch as they
face them in the real world as young adults, often painfully.
Our children mimic us from the time they are born ...
they have the best and worst of us.
Hindsight is 20/20 and today IS tomorrow.