Need some advice about what to do.

capthowdy1027

Ok so quick back story, I met this dude about 5 years ago. He moved to Cincinnati from New York to be with a girl. The girl was a good friend of my wife's when they were younger and just started to hang out again around this time. He was a cool dude to hang around with and grab a few beers but she really got on my nerves. She'd get 3 beers in her and become the most annoying drunk chick ever. For about the first year we hung out pretty often but then it slowed down a lot. Cut to about 3 or 4 months ago he calls and asks if I'm home because he was going to stop by. It had probably been nearly a year since I had seen him at this point.

So he swings by and tells me and my wife that he broke up with the chick because he found out she was cheating on him. Of course I felt bad for the dude, he moved far away from NY to be with her and they had a kid together while they were together as well. We hang out for a little bit, he goes home (still living with her) and then he texts me about a week later. He said she's kicking him out and he needs a place to stay until he can get his own place. I called my wife and we talked about it and agreed to help him out. We actually had a similar situation about 2 years ago when one of my buddies stayed with us for almost 2 months, didn't help out or clean up after himself and I think he even stole some shit from my wife and kids (needless to say I'm not friends with him anymore). But because of that bad experience I was hesitant about somebody else staying with us. Anyway, this dude ended up staying with us for about a month. Everything went fine, he helped out around the house, was very polite about our space and even gave us some money each pay day even though we never asked for a dime. He ended up finding a house to rent and moved out. I helped him move what little he actually has and even gave him an extra couch, love seat and tv that was in my basement not being used.

Now rewind to this past Friday. I asked him and another buddy to come hang out and drink some beers. They came over and while we were outside smoking once he told me they cut off his electric at his house. I knew he was having money problems so it wasn't really a surprise. So he asked if he could crash at my place that night and I said that was fine. He went to work Saturday morning and then just came back to my place afterwards and didn't leave until Monday morning. What I'm getting at here is that it kinda bugged me that he didn't even ask to stay Saturday and Sunday night. I'm sure if he did I would have said yes, but the point is now he just assumes he can stay I guess and I'm not a big fan of that.

It's not that I don't want to help this dude out, that's not it at all. Our family makes good money and it feels good to help out a friend in need. But we do only live in a 2 bedroom apartment, which is pretty big, but one bedroom is mine and the wifey's and my 2 kids are in the other. So that means he's sleeping on my couch in the living room and he's just in the way. I feel like I've done my part at this point but I just don't want to leave him hanging. He literally doesn't have anybody else in this town to help him out. All of his family lives 12 hours away and they probably wouldn't help him as much as I have anyway. As of now I haven't heard from him since I went to bed Sunday night so maybe he got his electric back on but I kinda don't think he had the money to do so. Do I just wait around to hear from him? Do I ask him if he's sleeping in a house with no electricity and offer my couch yet again? I just don't know what to do.

Sorry for such a long post haha. Anybody have any ideas?

JonnyPistachio

I would start by getting a sign made to hang over your front door: "Capthowdys Bed & Breakfast"

ha, just kidding...you are a very generous fella, thats cool. Hard to say what to do though. Your friend sounds like he's trying to get his act together. I mean who really wants to live off someone else's couch? Just talk to him some more.

BinauralJam

Depends on the tempature, if it drops, offer the couch, if it's not that cold out, he will be o.k., even without electric, he still got an apartment, a couch and blankets of his own right? maybe i'm too proud, but i've had to rely on freinds for a lit bit back in the day, i wasn't comfortable with it. your being a great freind, just hang in there, think of all the good karma coming your way.

capthowdy1027

JonnyPistachio wrote:

I would start by getting a sign made to hang over your front door: "Capthowdys Bed & Breakfast"

ha, just kidding...you are a very generous fella, thats cool. Hard to say what to do though. Your friend sounds like he's trying to get his act together. I mean who really wants to live off someone else's couch? Just talk to him some more.

Haha I probably should get a sign made. He's for sure trying to get his stuff together he's just having a hard time keeping up with the bills. I know the place he moved into was too expensive for how much he makes and I think he rushed into it just because he wanted to bet off of my couch ASAP. While I do appreciate that he didn't over stay his welcome it is biting him in the ass now.

BinauralJam wrote:

Depends on the tempature, if it drops, offer the couch, if it's not that cold out, he will be o.k., even without electric, he still got an apartment, a couch and blankets of his own right? maybe i'm too proud, but i've had to rely on freinds for a lit bit back in the day, i wasn't comfortable with it. your being a great freind, just hang in there, think of all the good karma coming your way.

The weather isn't too extreme right now but that could change at any minute.

And even though my wife and I are in a position to help now that certainly wasn't the case 7 or so years ago when we had to crash on a friends couch as well. I hated the feeling of needing somebody else but if it wasn't for that person helping us out who knows what would have happened. So because of that I feel it's impossible to say no to somebody that needs help now, but at the same time it gets old having the extra person in the house.

Even though I'm sure he doesn't like to rely on us I do also think he just likes to be at our house. Like I said he doesn't really know anybody else around here so I'm sure he gets pretty lonely when he's just hanging out at his place.

Poncier

He certainly doesn't sem like he's above asking for your help if he needs it, so I wouldn't worry too much. If his electricity/heat aren't working, I'm sure he'll be contacting you again.

Helping him out is all well and good, but sounds like you don't have a ton of space and there are 4 of you already there, so if he does come back to crash again, I'd let him know that it can't become too regular of a habit. What happened to him sucks, but he needs to be responsible for himself, if he can't afford an apartment on his own, he should get a roommate.

Suziemay

It's not your responsibility to help anyone and everyone that you can, so first of all, don't feel the need to justify the reasons why you might not want to let him crash at your place indefinitely.

It sounds like you do want to help in some way but don't want to over commit, and he needs your help but doesn't want to take advantage so you're both reasonable people. I would reach out to him and first and foremost make it clear that you want to help him in any way you are able to, even if all you can offer is a sympathetic ear. If you're willing, you can offer for him to stay with you for a week, two weeks, whatever you can manage but if you can't you can't.

Just don't do nothing because you're not sure what to do, sounds like he could really use a friend.

mickeyrat

Be upfront and ask him whats up?
Without knowing the full story , you wont know how you'd be willing to help?
It might be embarrassing for him, but what choice does he have?

Also an opportunity to remind him gently of common courtesy about asking not expecting to stay over more than agreed.

Nami

Very generous of you...BUT friends are like seasons... family is forever.

you got burned once... not saying current guy will do... but no need for a second lesson and people do stupid things when they are desperate.

You helped him out now its time for buddy to help himself. Talk it out and tell him it cant go on any further.

F Me In The Brain

mickeyrat wrote:

Be upfront and ask him whats up?
Without knowing the full story , you wont know how you'd be willing to help?
It might be embarrassing for him, but what choice does he have?

Also an opportunity to remind him gently of common courtesy about asking not expecting to stay over more than agreed.

+1
Just ask him to share the details -- if he comes clean you will be better positioned to discuss w/your wife and make up your minds.
Very cool of you to help a friend in need!

Cheeks

We actually had a very similar situation. A buddy of my husband's stayed with us for about three months when he and his gf were splitting up. It was supposed to be for a couple weeks until he could move into a place at the end of the month, but then his hours were cut at work, etc, etc. We had a small place too and he, like your friend, slept on the couch in the living room. It was trying at times, but we knew he had nowhere else to go (his family also lived in another city).
I don't know... we just let him stay. He would bring home groceries and offered us money towards some bills, although we didn't take it. The only complaint I had was the drama between him and his ex... constant phone calls and screaming matches on the front lawn!
Anyway, my husband told me that he appreciated that I was so ok with having his buddy stay. He said he would ask him to leave if it was getting too much (side note... I was pregnant at the time). I think you need to discuss it with your wife as well as your friend. If it starts to cause problems within your family then you'll just end up resenting your friend and it will all go downhill quickly. Get him to be upfront about his situation. My husband's friend kept us updated on his situation and plans. This helped a lot. He did say he would go move in with his dad if needed, but that would put him about 8 hours away from his kids. We didn't want to make his leave his kids behind.
I know this can be dangerous territory, but could you loan/give him the money to get his electricity turned on?
Sorry for the long ramble... but you sound like a good friend. Just make sure you do what works for your family.

mfc2006

very cool of you to help him out, man. i agree with everyone else---you need to ask him what's going on. maybe point out some resources where he could find a different job. the issue w/ the electric company has probably been going on for at least 2 months. they don't just turn off your service when you're one day late with the payment, you know? suggest some options for him (new job, moving back home, finding a cheaper place) while talking to him. i've done this as well (helped out a friend) & he burned me & my old roommate bad...stole a lot of our stuff & pawned it for $. (he was later arrested) it's a tricky situation, man. just talk to him....lay out some options for him (it may empower him) & be as supportive as you can while keeping your needs in mind.

dcfaithful

mfc2006 wrote:

very cool of you to help him out, man. i agree with everyone else---you need to ask him what's going on. maybe point out some resources where he could find a different job. the issue w/ the electric company has probably been going on for at least 2 months. they don't just turn off your service when you're one day late with the payment, you know? suggest some options for him (new job, moving back home, finding a cheaper place) while talking to him. i've done this as well (helped out a friend) & he burned me & my old roommate bad...stole a lot of our stuff & pawned it for $. (he was later arrested) it's a tricky situation, man. just talk to him....lay out some options for him (it may empower him) & be as supportive as you can while keeping your needs in mind.

Great post... this is probably the approach I would take too. If things aren't going great for him away from home, as they seem to not be, then maybe his best move would be to move back to an area of familiarity and comfort to start fresh.

It's pale in comparison, because I was only 18 at the time, but I moved to Atlanta for a girl... things were rough, and we ended up having to rely on her best friends parents to let us stay in their unoccupied basement. Eventually I just had to face the facts that things weren't going our way, and I moved back home (where I was confident there would be better opportunities). I moved back, landed a solid job that I still work at 4+ years later, and the girl and I are now living here in our own place, financially stable, both have good jobs, and are both active students.

Took me a while to put down my pride and accept that it is okay to admit that something hasn't worked out and you need to throw in the towel for another start.

mickeyrat

dcfaithful wrote:

mfc2006 wrote:

very cool of you to help him out, man. i agree with everyone else---you need to ask him what's going on. maybe point out some resources where he could find a different job. the issue w/ the electric company has probably been going on for at least 2 months. they don't just turn off your service when you're one day late with the payment, you know? suggest some options for him (new job, moving back home, finding a cheaper place) while talking to him. i've done this as well (helped out a friend) & he burned me & my old roommate bad...stole a lot of our stuff & pawned it for $. (he was later arrested) it's a tricky situation, man. just talk to him....lay out some options for him (it may empower him) & be as supportive as you can while keeping your needs in mind.

Great post... this is probably the approach I would take too. If things aren't going great for him away from home, as they seem to not be, then maybe his best move would be to move back to an area of familiarity and comfort to start fresh.

It's pale in comparison, because I was only 18 at the time, but I moved to Atlanta for a girl... things were rough, and we ended up having to rely on her best friends parents to let us stay in their unoccupied basement. Eventually I just had to face the facts that things weren't going our way, and I moved back home (where I was confident there would be better opportunities). I moved back, landed a solid job that I still work at 4+ years later, and the girl and I are now living here in our own place, financially stable, both have good jobs, and are both active students.

Took me a while to put down my pride and accept that it is okay to admit that something hasn't worked out and you need to throw in the towel for another start.

Such a grown up. How the F did THAT happen?

dcfaithful

mickeyrat wrote:

Such a grown up. How the F did THAT happen?

:twisted:

stargirl69

dcfaithful wrote:

mfc2006 wrote:

very cool of you to help him out, man. i agree with everyone else---you need to ask him what's going on. maybe point out some resources where he could find a different job. the issue w/ the electric company has probably been going on for at least 2 months. they don't just turn off your service when you're one day late with the payment, you know? suggest some options for him (new job, moving back home, finding a cheaper place) while talking to him. i've done this as well (helped out a friend) & he burned me & my old roommate bad...stole a lot of our stuff & pawned it for $. (he was later arrested) it's a tricky situation, man. just talk to him....lay out some options for him (it may empower him) & be as supportive as you can while keeping your needs in mind.

Great post... this is probably the approach I would take too. If things aren't going great for him away from home, as they seem to not be, then maybe his best move would be to move back to an area of familiarity and comfort to start fresh.

It's pale in comparison, because I was only 18 at the time, but I moved to Atlanta for a girl... things were rough, and we ended up having to rely on her best friends parents to let us stay in their unoccupied basement. Eventually I just had to face the facts that things weren't going our way, and I moved back home (where I was confident there would be better opportunities). I moved back, landed a solid job that I still work at 4+ years later, and the girl and I are now living here in our own place, financially stable, both have good jobs, and are both active students.

Took me a while to put down my pride and accept that it is okay to admit that something hasn't worked out and you need to throw in the towel for another start.

Both great posts

Sounds like you and your girl created the greatest outcome from a challenging situation dcfaithful

pandora

I have a different spin and I'm a little harsher on this subject
maybe than others here...
perhaps due to negative experiences.

I've seen some smooth operators, some real takers in my lifetime.
I've also seen those who are chronic bad choice makers that sabotage their own lives
and expect to be helped out after. A continuous cycle that can go on for decades.

Some don't understand common courtesy ... like over staying their welcome
or pretend they don't for their own convenience.
It comes very easy for some, too easy, to ask for help.

An important part of life, for one's own well being and protection,
is being able to say no and knowing when to.
It's tough the first few times especially for charitable generous spirits
but those are the ones who usually get taken advantage of,
as in our case.

Once you say 'no sorry' a couple times it becomes easier
and you realize it is actually a favor in disguise,
gives them a chance to rely on themselves and clean up their act
or move on to the next sucker.

mfc2006

dcfaithful wrote:

mickeyrat wrote:

Such a grown up. How the F did THAT happen?

:twisted:

capthowdy1027

mickeyrat wrote:

Be upfront and ask him whats up?
Without knowing the full story , you wont know how you'd be willing to help?
It might be embarrassing for him, but what choice does he have?

Also an opportunity to remind him gently of common courtesy about asking not expecting to stay over more than agreed.

mfc2006 wrote:

very cool of you to help him out, man. i agree with everyone else---you need to ask him what's going on. maybe point out some resources where he could find a different job. the issue w/ the electric company has probably been going on for at least 2 months. they don't just turn off your service when you're one day late with the payment, you know? suggest some options for him (new job, moving back home, finding a cheaper place) while talking to him. i've done this as well (helped out a friend) & he burned me & my old roommate bad...stole a lot of our stuff & pawned it for $. (he was later arrested) it's a tricky situation, man. just talk to him....lay out some options for him (it may empower him) & be as supportive as you can while keeping your needs in mind.

Well I mean I do know what's going on. He just ain't making enough to pay his bills. He does work full time, but don't make much per hour. He's also gone back to school at the age of 33 part time as well. His rent and utilities are just too much for what he's bringing in. He's also got child support he's paying on his first kid as well (which does kinda support Pandora's theory). I'm not trying to make excuses for him by any means, although I guess it does sound like I am. But I also know he isn't going to want to move back to his hometown and leave yet another kid behind that he only gets to see once a year. Maybe I could keep an eye out for him to help him find a better job or something, but if he ain't trying to do something like that for himself then I don't feel like I'm helping, I feel like I'm doing it for him and that's just not okay.

He's a good dude, and a good friend but I just feel like he's more and more becoming my responsibility. It's one thing to help out, but I just don't see brighter days in his near future, which really sucks, but I just can't continue to bend over backwards. But I just have a really damn hard time saying no I guess.

Thanks for the comments though everybody, it's much appreciated.