Very ill friend
bmwtech
Posts: 33
I met a man 7-8 years ago at work he was and had very little remaining family and few friends. As time passed being he was deaf I would make phone or help him when communication was an issue. We became very close and although currently he is 71 and I am 28 we had an friendship. He is 71 but would drink and hang out like he was 21. 2 years ago my father passed away from a heart attack at the same time my friends brother passed away, his last remaining family member. Naturally we became even closer both having to deal with some very difficult days. His father also died at the young age of 50 my father 51. With no friends left he has relied heavily on me for assistance from errands to going through his mail to drs appt. I have always wanted to move closer to him as my wife and kids have openly accepted him as a member of our family and to are committed to helping him. Like everyone else we are underwater in a house to small purchased before having kids and not willing to pay someone to take my house I just tell him to be patient. Last week my friend was diagnosed with an extremely large cancerous tumor in his right lung. This is difficult for both of us and I have always helped but I was unaware of his medical directive and naming of my as his power of attorney should he be deemed mentally unable to make choices. I dont want to make life changing or ending choices for anyone and have kind of ignored the subject. To make things worse I have always helped because we were great friends. In my friends will he is leaving me half of everything he has which he said would leave $150000 to me. His request when he dies I use the money to get the house I want with enough space for my family. This was a real game changer for me. A lot of people ask me why I am so close to an old deaf man and give me a hard time, they want to know whats in it for me. I now fear people will think I only helped for the money. In our time together he never led me to think I would receive any money or that he even had such an amount of money. Now when I see him or check in on him I feel very guilty about the money. How could I accept such fortune from the death of a loved one? Why am I here?
Sorry but I have kept this news to myself and needed some direction. I am jealous of the good advice given to other members and want some for myself. Please lend me some perspective.
Sorry but I have kept this news to myself and needed some direction. I am jealous of the good advice given to other members and want some for myself. Please lend me some perspective.
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This way you won't be making the decision to "kill" him or whatever, and I would think that would make you feel less guilty about accepting the money later. I know it won't make your friends passing any easier and all of that, but there won't be doubt creeping into your mind over whether or not you did the right thing. I know it's probably strange to benefit from the death of somebody, but it's what he wants. He wants to help you and your family after he passes.
Like I said, I know it's not an easy conversation to have, but it's a big responsibility and you need to know where he stands on these issues. You don't want to free-style something as important as this, and I think it would be much easier on you if you KNEW what to do instead of trying to make life altering decisions for another human being based on what you think he would want.
You shouldn't feel guilty about the money as far as treatment choices go, as long as you don't act out of malice, which I'm sure you won't. It's not like you're going to tell the doctors to pull the plug if the guy gets the sniffles.
Do you happen to know if your friend has an advance health care directive (also called a living will)? You may already know what this is, but just in case, it's a legal document that spells out his wishes regarding his care, more specifically, end of life care when he may not be able to express his choices. This document can alleviate the pressure on the health care power of attorney (sounds like this is you). You become responsible for helping his wishes to be carried out, as opposed to guessing what he would want. If he is terminal, I am sure that social work or hospice would be happy to help him with this, and explain it to him. It's a hard discussion to have, but as a nurse, I always recommend to health care power of attorneys to make sure it has been discussed.
Also, are you his legal Power of Attorney as well? These are not always the same two people -- but you might be both for him. A lot of people that I have cared for in the hospital assume this is the same role. So I only know there is some confusion at times, and that's why I mention it. Similar to that, people confuse a Will with a Living Will and they are two different things as well.
I hope all goes smoothly for you, I am sure you have a lot to think about. Wishing you both well...
Unfortunately its not the sniffles we are dealing with.
I am his legal power of attorney and his medical power of attorney. Fortunately I will only have to act if a doctor finds him incapable. Its is difficult to explain some things to him as he is deaf and hardly reads/writes. I dont know sign but we kind of make it up as we go and he can read lips and talk a little. I feel like in the past if it was hard to explain something to him I could just water it down a little but I cant in this case.
You are in a tough spot, no doubt. Fortunately, where his advance health care directives are concerned, you should have health care professionals available to you to help with this. Don't be afraid to pull a nurse, or his pulmonologist, or whomever aside to ask them about this. They can be more direct than you in asking the questions if you need help. Also, the hospital will have an ASL interpreter for you if he signs. This may help you when the time comes to have a more frank discussion. Doesn't sound like he's quite ready yet....
first off I'd like to say you must be a wonderful person to be friends and help this person out, he is really lucky to have you.
To the issue of his estate. That is nobodies business. Don't worry about it, if people ask where you got the money for another house, just tell them to "mind their own".
"Life Is What Happens To You When Your Busy Making Other Plans" John Lennon
Yes, this is something his PCP may know about. And each and every time a patient is admitted to the hospital, they will ask for (yet another) copy to be placed on his chart. (it's a little obnoxious to keep having to produce the same documents, but it will most likely be asked of you). The Health Care POA signs consent forms and such when the patient becomes unable to do so. If you can't sign, they may call you and ask for a verbal consent over the phone (for tests and treatments). There also may be smaller issues that arise that are not covered in the Living Will, and they would defer to the Health Care POA on these issues if necessary. I hope this helps...
this is my line of thinking
this man is extremely fortunate to have you in his life and i feel certain that he knows where your loyalties lay
getting financial relief for your family is the good that you've sent out coming back to you
and i believe that by giving you this money your friend has found some peace and happiness in his end days
"what a long, strange trip it's been"
I'm sorry he has taken ill, but all you do now is be there for him to the end.
And thank God for your blessings, it's obviously what he wants for you and your family, there is no need to feel guilty about it.
Take care of him and then take care of your family. God bless you.
This is a really tough situation, because yes, you want to keep him positive.
But when you ask him a question about his wishes, and he gets fearful (that is where that "Do you think I am dying?" question is coming from), I would just try to communicate to him that you know as much as he does with regard to his prognosis...but you care very much about him and want to make sure that you abide by his wishes should something happen to him.
These are very difficult conversations to have - for both you and your friend. He sounds a bit like one of those who is afraid to talk about it, because talking about it might bring it about. Should that be the case, ask him to maybe write it all down and leave it someplace for you that you both agree on. That way, maybe it won't seem so real to him - he is just writing down his wishes...not planning his death with you, you know?
Tell him you want to make sure and take care of him in the way he hoped to be taken care of. He has to understand this - otherwise he would not have picked you to begin with.
He has selected you because he has confidence that you will follow his wishes. But he now has to tell you what those wishes are. If it is too uncomfortable for him to discuss them outright, then ask him to write everything down in such a way that you will be able to follow his instructions exactly as he would like. That might provide him some comfort, if phrased in such a way.