visiting hours

tremors

Went back to see 'that place' again today
The hospital
Looked like a stagnant desolate ghost ship
Only with me not inside this time
The energy there is appalling
And I saw a kid treading his spot in the lobby
Eyes fixed straight ahead
Treading and treading the same spot for hours
At least I tried to fight them
I offered him something from the machine
Coke, chocolate y'know
The kind of think I'd have liked
The kind of thing that would have made my whole day
He looked at me suspiciously
So I moved on, bought a coke and moved on
Drove to the nearest place of life
A supermarket that was always too far for me to make with my twenty minutes shore leave
I felt sick
Just looking for something something to fight this strangling nausea
I see a magazine, thrills me, gives me flashback to seeing that very same thing
When I wasn't just visiting
'Pearl Jam' and eddie looking tough on the cover
Thank god for Pearl Jam
Pretty much all I could find
Tough enough to fight this
You might think I'm joking
But if you'd felt that
You wouldn't joke about this

mysticweed

my what big balls you must have, my friend
to return to that place
by choice

and yes
thank god for pearl jam

tremors

AbsoLutAngel wrote:

my what big balls you must have, my friend
to return to that place
by choice

and yes
thank god for pearl jam

I like to return to places I only saw with a different kind of vision - see them in the cold light of day. Every spot was so chillingly familiar - and yet the normal me had never been there before..... and yet I was free to go. That bit felt great. All the magic of the car park had vanished - the manic magic of vision, and of getting ten minutes out in the fresh air - that was like gold dust, and when I'm ill there is a point where a fight and a sparkle comes in, which is when I start turning the corner - so that car park was kind of magic before - I would get allowed off the wards to see the sky I was craving, and I would do ten minutes tai chi - oxygen - the freedom of my own body, to move how I wanted. My folks would take me out each day towards the end of my (last) stay, go off to the countryside - and for that fact alone I have always been infinitely better off than my peers - abandoned, pumped full of chemicals and left to shake and rot. Yes I fight back - and I do credit some of that fight and backbone I have found to Pearl Jam. I listen to that fire rip roaring through my bones, and the defiance, and I know I am going to make it out of here. And I have.

mysticweed

tremors wrote:

AbsoLutAngel wrote:

my what big balls you must have, my friend
to return to that place
by choice

and yes
thank god for pearl jam

I like to return to places I only saw with a different kind of vision - see them in the cold light of day. Every spot was so chillingly familiar - and yet the normal me had never been there before..... and yet I was free to go. That bit felt great. All the magic of the car park had vanished - the manic magic of vision, and of getting ten minutes out in the fresh air - that was like gold dust, and when I'm ill there is a point where a fight and a sparkle comes in, which is when I start turning the corner - so that car park was kind of magic before - I would get allowed off the wards to see the sky I was craving, and I would do ten minutes tai chi - oxygen - the freedom of my own body, to move how I wanted. My folks would take me out each day towards the end of my (last) stay, go off to the countryside - and for that fact alone I have always been infinitely better off than my peers - abandoned, pumped full of chemicals and left to shake and rot. Yes I fight back - and I do credit some of that fight and backbone I have found to Pearl Jam. I listen to that fire rip roaring through my bones, and the defiance, and I know I am going to make it out of here. And I have.

still i don't think i could have done it
i've never been locked up but i'm sure that is only due to timing
i cannot keep things that remind me of pain
and i recoil from the houses that once held them
as i said - big ones

tremors

Objects and places take on demons - but I find some can be exorcised. Not all of them - some is too painful, but some I find revisiting in the fresh air and the daylight, or taking an object and transforming it - it can be done, sometimes is necessary for me. For me it's an unusual kind of trauma though - which contains both magic and anguish - so it's probably more possible for me than most - it's pulling the magic to the surface, and letting the anguish sink away. Other times it's letting the neutrality back into something - by letting it breathe, putting it on a shelf by a window and some good tunes..... Like I say, some of this is personal to me, in coping with things that have happened to me - and how my mind and perceptions are all bound up in places and objects. I've always done this when in a recovery phase - piecing together my memory again, reframing trauma, staring back at the dark stuff. I think it helps me in the long run.

Other situations, other things..... not so easy.

mysticweed

tremors wrote:

Objects and places take on demons - but I find some can be exorcised. Not all of them - some is too painful, but some I find revisiting in the fresh air and the daylight, or taking an object and transforming it - it can be done, sometimes is necessary for me. For me it's an unusual kind of trauma though - which contains both magic and anguish - so it's probably more possible for me than most - it's pulling the magic to the surface, and letting the anguish sink away. Other times it's letting the neutrality back into something - by letting it breathe, putting it on a shelf by a window and some good tunes..... Like I say, some of this is personal to me, in coping with things that have happened to me - and how my mind and perceptions are all bound up in places and objects. I've always done this when in a recovery phase - piecing together my memory again, reframing trauma, staring back at the dark stuff. I think it helps me in the long run.

Other situations, other things..... not so easy.

to me, the only demons an object or place can host are the ones we attach to them
knowing that it is all in my mind does not make it any less demonic to me
but i am weak

tremors

I think you are pretty strong, despite what you think. You are a good person, and that in itself is strength.

I kind of agree with you about associations - but I am also sympathetic to some of the notions of Feng Shui - in that certain energies can get into places and objects - and that something can be done to restore positive energy. Whether it is association or energy - either way - the sting of stuff can be neutralised sometimes - sometimes it is necessary - like the things you can't avoid / escape. I practice this - it's not something I really ever speak about to anyone - but there is a point where my sanity starts returning, where I set about a process of 'sifting' through objects, memories, things I have written, places I have been and looking at them afresh. This is something I always do in the early stages of coming out of those states (which has happened about 4 times in total in the past fifteen years) - I really do think it helps me to recover my identity, this process of sifting and revisiting. Like I say, it's something that always been quite personal to me, and that I've not really articulated before.