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sick jokes..

McCready00McCready00 Posts: 371
edited September 2011 in All Encompassing Trip
I'm actually working on a touring show, and before every show, I have my "sick joke moment" for everyone on the clearcom. It became something really big actually, and I've decided to make a book with all of them. Of course, this last won't be published, but copies will be given to some of my friends.

I was expecting something like 500 jokes, but I realized it was a big too much. I got 100 really good ones so far. I would like to get 100 more at least.

So now I do need your help guys..

surprise me.... and if your jokes are too "sick", well, email it at: <!-- e --><a href="mailto:McCready00@hotmail.com">McCready00@hotmail.com</a><!-- e -->

thanks
-"it's times like these you have to ask yourself, "what would mike mccready do"
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • m0jorisenm0jorisen Posts: 516
    A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

    His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"

    Oh, no: I never found her head.
    Had my eyes peeled both wide open, and I got a glimpse
    Of my innocence... got back my inner sense...
  • 8181 Posts: 58,276
    m0jorisen wrote:
    A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

    His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"

    Oh, no: I never found her head.


    :lol:
    81 is now off the air

    Off_Air.jpg
  • he.who.forgetshe.who.forgets Posts: 4,593
    I was wondering what really constituted a "sick" joke, but Mojo cleared that one up pretty quick :lol:
    We were but stones your light made us stars
  • voidofmanvoidofman Posts: 4,009
    he.who.forgets wrote:
    I was wondering what really constituted a "sick" joke, but Mojo cleared that one up pretty quick :lol:

    That was the first joke I found too when I did a google search. :mrgreen:
  • m0jorisenm0jorisen Posts: 516
    Newly weds turn up at hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks do you have reservations?
    Bride replies Im a bit worried about taking it up the arse.
    Had my eyes peeled both wide open, and I got a glimpse
    Of my innocence... got back my inner sense...
  • DS1119DS1119 Posts: 33,497
    Andrew_Dice_Clay_1.jpg

    Hickory dickery dock...
    This thread's about to get locked...
  • Aero83_Aero83_ Posts: 933
    Thats it so far?
    You can always get sicker...I'll see what I can find, peeps..
    ...10/31/09, 05/21/10, Peru, Los Angeles
  • dcfaithfuldcfaithful Posts: 13,076
    Sent. :D
    7/2/06 - Denver, CO
    6/12/08 - Tampa, FL
    8/23/09 - Chicago, IL
    9/28/09 - Salt Lake City, UT (11 years too long!!!)
    9/03/11 - East Troy, WI - PJ20 - Night 1
    9/04/11 - East Troy, WI - PJ20 - Night 2
  • thefixer9thefixer9 Posts: 9,376
    dcfaithful wrote:
    Sent. :D

    ;)
    Tres Mts- 3/16/2011
    Eddie Vedder- 7/16/11
    Brad- 4/21/12 (RSD Performance), 4/27/12, 8/10/12
    Flight To Mars- 5/23/12
    RNDM- 11/27/12

    PEARL JAM- 12/6/13 I have finally seen Pearl Jam live!
  • SVRDhand13SVRDhand13 Posts: 26,150
    DS1119 wrote:
    Andrew_Dice_Clay_1.jpg

    Hickory dickery dock...
    This thread's about to get locked...


    :lol::lol::lol:
    severed hand thirteen
    2006: Gorge 7/23 2008: Hartford 6/27 Beacon 7/1 2009: Spectrum 10/30-31
    2010: Newark 5/18 MSG 5/20-21 2011: PJ20 9/3-4 2012: Made In America 9/2
    2013: Brooklyn 10/18-19 Philly 10/21-22 Hartford 10/25 2014: ACL10/12
    2015: NYC 9/23 2016: Tampa 4/11 Philly 4/28-29 MSG 5/1-2 Fenway 8/5+8/7
    2017: RRHoF 4/7   2018: Fenway 9/2+9/4   2021: Sea Hear Now 9/18 
    2022: MSG 9/11  2024: MSG 9/3-4 Philly 9/7+9/9 Fenway 9/15+9/17
  • mookeywrenchmookeywrench Posts: 5,870
    Two penguins are in a bath tub.

    One pinguin says to the other, "Hey, will you pass the soap?"

    And the other Penguin says, "What do I look like to you, a typewriter?"

    :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
    350x700px-LL-d2f49cb4_vinyl-needle-scu-e1356666258495.jpeg
  • eeriepadaveeeriepadave West Chester, PA Posts: 41,816
    so this one kid, Scott, rips off this other kid (will call him Cartman) of $16.12 involving pubes and chili. The kid that gets ripped off wants revenge. So he forms a plan involving a pony trying to bite this kid's wiener off and getting his favorite band, Radiohead, to witness. it. Well the kid eventually finds out of the other kids plan and "plays along". The next day there is a chili cookoff So Scott eats some of Cartman's chili, while Cartman lavishly scarfs down Scott's. As Cartman is finishing Scott's chili, Scott prepares to tell him the secret ingredient, but Cartman then indicates that already he knows, and the chili he is eating is not Scott's, as he switched it with Chef's. Cartman tells Scott that he told Stan and Kyle about his plan because he knew they would rat him out. Cartman then announces that his actual plan was to get Mr. Denkins, the farmer who owns the pony, to shoot and kill Scott's parents, and while Denkins was busy with the police, steal the corpses, chop them up and place their body parts into the chili Scott was eating. Scott finds his mom's finger, and breaks down crying. Cartman's final stage of his plan occurs when Radiohead (who are unaware of what just happened to Scott) come along and make fun of Scott for crying. Finally, Cartman begins licking the tears from Scott's face and Kyle tells Stan that they should never make Cartman angry again, and Stan agrees.
    8/28/98- Camden, NJ
    10/31/09- Philly
    5/21/10- NYC
    9/2/12- Philly, PA
    7/19/13- Wrigley
    10/19/13- Brooklyn, NY
    10/21/13- Philly, PA
    10/22/13- Philly, PA
    10/27/13- Baltimore, MD
    4/28/16- Philly, PA
    4/29/16- Philly, PA
    5/1/16- NYC
    5/2/16- NYC
    9/2/18- Boston, MA
    9/4/18- Boston, MA
    9/14/22- Camden, NJ
    9/7/24- Philly, PA
    9/9/24- Philly, PA
    Tres Mts.- 3/23/11- Philly. PA
    Eddie Vedder- 6/25/11- Philly, PA
    RNDM- 3/9/16- Philly, PA
  • thefixer9thefixer9 Posts: 9,376
    eeriepadave wrote:
    so this one kid, Scott, rips off this other kid (will call him Cartman) of $16.12 involving pubes and chili. The kid that gets ripped off wants revenge. So he forms a plan involving a pony trying to bite this kid's wiener off and getting his favorite band, Radiohead, to witness. it. Well the kid eventually finds out of the other kids plan and "plays along". The next day there is a chili cookoff So Scott eats some of Cartman's chili, while Cartman lavishly scarfs down Scott's. As Cartman is finishing Scott's chili, Scott prepares to tell him the secret ingredient, but Cartman then indicates that already he knows, and the chili he is eating is not Scott's, as he switched it with Chef's. Cartman tells Scott that he told Stan and Kyle about his plan because he knew they would rat him out. Cartman then announces that his actual plan was to get Mr. Denkins, the farmer who owns the pony, to shoot and kill Scott's parents, and while Denkins was busy with the police, steal the corpses, chop them up and place their body parts into the chili Scott was eating. Scott finds his mom's finger, and breaks down crying. Cartman's final stage of his plan occurs when Radiohead (who are unaware of what just happened to Scott) come along and make fun of Scott for crying. Finally, Cartman begins licking the tears from Scott's face and Kyle tells Stan that they should never make Cartman angry again, and Stan agrees.

    :shock: :o :shock: :o :shock:
    Tres Mts- 3/16/2011
    Eddie Vedder- 7/16/11
    Brad- 4/21/12 (RSD Performance), 4/27/12, 8/10/12
    Flight To Mars- 5/23/12
    RNDM- 11/27/12

    PEARL JAM- 12/6/13 I have finally seen Pearl Jam live!
  • whispering handswhispering hands Posts: 13,527
    you've never seen that episode!?!? I laughed so hard a that!!
    Ok here's mine..
    A guy and his wife are having troubles in the sack, so they go to this sex therapist. After weeks of counseling the therapist tells them both, "I'm sorry but your case seems hopeless and I can do nothing for you." The wife is desperate and when she is home alone she calls the therapist and begs her, pleading with her, "Please my husband and I used to fuck like rabbits, I miss that, I'll try anything to get back to that." So the therapist asks, "would you be willing to try an experimental drug?" and the wife tells her "hell yeah, anything!!"
    So the next day the wife goes back to the therapist and they discuss this new drug.. the therapist tells the wife "Give him one these before bed and tell me what happens tomorrow".. So the lady returns the next morning with this HUGE old smile on her face and thanks the therapist profusely..Then asks" what would happen if I gave him TWO??" The therapist replies, "well I don't know it's an experimental drug, try it and tell me what happens tomorrow". Again the lady returns, this time looking satisfied, but tired, and asks the therapist.. "what would happen if I gave him THREE??" the therapist looks a bit worried but oks it, again, telling her to report what happens the next day..So the next day the wife crawls in drooling happy and tells the therapist everything then asks, "what would happen if I gave him the whole bottle?" the therapist warns against it, but tells her if she tries it to let her know what happens, the lady goes home..
    Two weeks later a small boy runs into the therapist's office slamming and locking the door behind him, and panting in total fear.. He locks eyes with her and snarls, "are YOU the sick FUCK that gave my mom that bottle of experimental pills?!!?!?" The therapist is bewildered, but answers timidly,"yes, why? What happened?" The boy, breathing heavily, and angrily answers, " my mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, MY ass hurts, and my did is STILL in the corner, calling 'Here kitty kitty!!!"
  • eeriepadaveeeriepadave West Chester, PA Posts: 41,816
    whispering hands wrote:
    you've never seen that episode!?!? I laughed so hard a that!!
    Ok here's mine..
    A guy and his wife are having troubles in the sack, so they go to this sex therapist. After weeks of counseling the therapist tells them both, "I'm sorry but your case seems hopeless and I can do nothing for you." The wife is desperate and when she is home alone she calls the therapist and begs her, pleading with her, "Please my husband and I used to fuck like rabbits, I miss that, I'll try anything to get back to that." So the therapist asks, "would you be willing to try an experimental drug?" and the wife tells her "hell yeah, anything!!"
    So the next day the wife goes back to the therapist and they discuss this new drug.. the therapist tells the wife "Give him one these before bed and tell me what happens tomorrow".. So the lady returns the next morning with this HUGE old smile on her face and thanks the therapist profusely..Then asks" what would happen if I gave him TWO??" The therapist replies, "well I don't know it's an experimental drug, try it and tell me what happens tomorrow". Again the lady returns, this time looking satisfied, but tired, and asks the therapist.. "what would happen if I gave him THREE??" the therapist looks a bit worried but oks it, again, telling her to report what happens the next day..So the next day the wife crawls in drooling happy and tells the therapist everything then asks, "what would happen if I gave him the whole bottle?" the therapist warns against it, but tells her if she tries it to let her know what happens, the lady goes home..
    Two weeks later a small boy runs into the therapist's office slamming and locking the door behind him, and panting in total fear.. He locks eyes with her and snarls, "are YOU the sick FUCK that gave my mom that bottle of experimental pills?!!?!?" The therapist is bewildered, but answers timidly,"yes, why? What happened?" The boy, breathing heavily, and angrily answers, " my mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, MY ass hurts, and my did is STILL in the corner, calling 'Here kitty kitty!!!"

    ;):lol: actually comedy central showed that episode (Scott tenermon must die) last night, classic. That's why i posted it. :D
    8/28/98- Camden, NJ
    10/31/09- Philly
    5/21/10- NYC
    9/2/12- Philly, PA
    7/19/13- Wrigley
    10/19/13- Brooklyn, NY
    10/21/13- Philly, PA
    10/22/13- Philly, PA
    10/27/13- Baltimore, MD
    4/28/16- Philly, PA
    4/29/16- Philly, PA
    5/1/16- NYC
    5/2/16- NYC
    9/2/18- Boston, MA
    9/4/18- Boston, MA
    9/14/22- Camden, NJ
    9/7/24- Philly, PA
    9/9/24- Philly, PA
    Tres Mts.- 3/23/11- Philly. PA
    Eddie Vedder- 6/25/11- Philly, PA
    RNDM- 3/9/16- Philly, PA
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