sick jokes..

McCready00

I'm actually working on a touring show, and before every show, I have my "sick joke moment" for everyone on the clearcom. It became something really big actually, and I've decided to make a book with all of them. Of course, this last won't be published, but copies will be given to some of my friends.

I was expecting something like 500 jokes, but I realized it was a big too much. I got 100 really good ones so far. I would like to get 100 more at least.

So now I do need your help guys..

surprise me.... and if your jokes are too "sick", well, email it at: <!-- e --><a href="mailto:McCready00@hotmail.com">McCready00@hotmail.com</a><!-- e -->

thanks

m0jorisen

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"

Oh, no: I never found her head.

81

m0jorisen wrote:

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"

Oh, no: I never found her head.

he.who.forgets

I was wondering what really constituted a "sick" joke, but Mojo cleared that one up pretty quick

voidofman

he.who.forgets wrote:

I was wondering what really constituted a "sick" joke, but Mojo cleared that one up pretty quick

That was the first joke I found too when I did a google search.

m0jorisen

Newly weds turn up at hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks do you have reservations?
Bride replies Im a bit worried about taking it up the arse.

DS1119

Hickory dickery dock...
This thread's about to get locked...

Aero83_

Thats it so far?
You can always get sicker...I'll see what I can find, peeps..

dcfaithful

Sent.

thefixer9

dcfaithful wrote:

Sent.

SVRDhand13

DS1119 wrote:

Hickory dickery dock...
This thread's about to get locked...

mookeywrench

Two penguins are in a bath tub.

One pinguin says to the other, "Hey, will you pass the soap?"

And the other Penguin says, "What do I look like to you, a typewriter?"

eeriepadave

so this one kid, Scott, rips off this other kid (will call him Cartman) of $16.12 involving pubes and chili. The kid that gets ripped off wants revenge. So he forms a plan involving a pony trying to bite this kid's wiener off and getting his favorite band, Radiohead, to witness. it. Well the kid eventually finds out of the other kids plan and "plays along". The next day there is a chili cookoff So Scott eats some of Cartman's chili, while Cartman lavishly scarfs down Scott's. As Cartman is finishing Scott's chili, Scott prepares to tell him the secret ingredient, but Cartman then indicates that already he knows, and the chili he is eating is not Scott's, as he switched it with Chef's. Cartman tells Scott that he told Stan and Kyle about his plan because he knew they would rat him out. Cartman then announces that his actual plan was to get Mr. Denkins, the farmer who owns the pony, to shoot and kill Scott's parents, and while Denkins was busy with the police, steal the corpses, chop them up and place their body parts into the chili Scott was eating. Scott finds his mom's finger, and breaks down crying. Cartman's final stage of his plan occurs when Radiohead (who are unaware of what just happened to Scott) come along and make fun of Scott for crying. Finally, Cartman begins licking the tears from Scott's face and Kyle tells Stan that they should never make Cartman angry again, and Stan agrees.

thefixer9

eeriepadave wrote:

so this one kid, Scott, rips off this other kid (will call him Cartman) of $16.12 involving pubes and chili. The kid that gets ripped off wants revenge. So he forms a plan involving a pony trying to bite this kid's wiener off and getting his favorite band, Radiohead, to witness. it. Well the kid eventually finds out of the other kids plan and "plays along". The next day there is a chili cookoff So Scott eats some of Cartman's chili, while Cartman lavishly scarfs down Scott's. As Cartman is finishing Scott's chili, Scott prepares to tell him the secret ingredient, but Cartman then indicates that already he knows, and the chili he is eating is not Scott's, as he switched it with Chef's. Cartman tells Scott that he told Stan and Kyle about his plan because he knew they would rat him out. Cartman then announces that his actual plan was to get Mr. Denkins, the farmer who owns the pony, to shoot and kill Scott's parents, and while Denkins was busy with the police, steal the corpses, chop them up and place their body parts into the chili Scott was eating. Scott finds his mom's finger, and breaks down crying. Cartman's final stage of his plan occurs when Radiohead (who are unaware of what just happened to Scott) come along and make fun of Scott for crying. Finally, Cartman begins licking the tears from Scott's face and Kyle tells Stan that they should never make Cartman angry again, and Stan agrees.

:shock: :shock: :shock:

whispering hands

you've never seen that episode!?!? I laughed so hard a that!!
Ok here's mine..
A guy and his wife are having troubles in the sack, so they go to this sex therapist. After weeks of counseling the therapist tells them both, "I'm sorry but your case seems hopeless and I can do nothing for you." The wife is desperate and when she is home alone she calls the therapist and begs her, pleading with her, "Please my husband and I used to fuck like rabbits, I miss that, I'll try anything to get back to that." So the therapist asks, "would you be willing to try an experimental drug?" and the wife tells her "hell yeah, anything!!"
So the next day the wife goes back to the therapist and they discuss this new drug.. the therapist tells the wife "Give him one these before bed and tell me what happens tomorrow".. So the lady returns the next morning with this HUGE old smile on her face and thanks the therapist profusely..Then asks" what would happen if I gave him TWO??" The therapist replies, "well I don't know it's an experimental drug, try it and tell me what happens tomorrow". Again the lady returns, this time looking satisfied, but tired, and asks the therapist.. "what would happen if I gave him THREE??" the therapist looks a bit worried but oks it, again, telling her to report what happens the next day..So the next day the wife crawls in drooling happy and tells the therapist everything then asks, "what would happen if I gave him the whole bottle?" the therapist warns against it, but tells her if she tries it to let her know what happens, the lady goes home..
Two weeks later a small boy runs into the therapist's office slamming and locking the door behind him, and panting in total fear.. He locks eyes with her and snarls, "are YOU the sick FUCK that gave my mom that bottle of experimental pills?!!?!?" The therapist is bewildered, but answers timidly,"yes, why? What happened?" The boy, breathing heavily, and angrily answers, " my mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, MY ass hurts, and my did is STILL in the corner, calling 'Here kitty kitty!!!"

eeriepadave

whispering hands wrote:

you've never seen that episode!?!? I laughed so hard a that!!
Ok here's mine..
A guy and his wife are having troubles in the sack, so they go to this sex therapist. After weeks of counseling the therapist tells them both, "I'm sorry but your case seems hopeless and I can do nothing for you." The wife is desperate and when she is home alone she calls the therapist and begs her, pleading with her, "Please my husband and I used to fuck like rabbits, I miss that, I'll try anything to get back to that." So the therapist asks, "would you be willing to try an experimental drug?" and the wife tells her "hell yeah, anything!!"
So the next day the wife goes back to the therapist and they discuss this new drug.. the therapist tells the wife "Give him one these before bed and tell me what happens tomorrow".. So the lady returns the next morning with this HUGE old smile on her face and thanks the therapist profusely..Then asks" what would happen if I gave him TWO??" The therapist replies, "well I don't know it's an experimental drug, try it and tell me what happens tomorrow". Again the lady returns, this time looking satisfied, but tired, and asks the therapist.. "what would happen if I gave him THREE??" the therapist looks a bit worried but oks it, again, telling her to report what happens the next day..So the next day the wife crawls in drooling happy and tells the therapist everything then asks, "what would happen if I gave him the whole bottle?" the therapist warns against it, but tells her if she tries it to let her know what happens, the lady goes home..
Two weeks later a small boy runs into the therapist's office slamming and locking the door behind him, and panting in total fear.. He locks eyes with her and snarls, "are YOU the sick FUCK that gave my mom that bottle of experimental pills?!!?!?" The therapist is bewildered, but answers timidly,"yes, why? What happened?" The boy, breathing heavily, and angrily answers, " my mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, MY ass hurts, and my did is STILL in the corner, calling 'Here kitty kitty!!!"

actually comedy central showed that episode (Scott tenermon must die) last night, classic. That's why i posted it.