Co-parenting? Be careful!

_Crazy_Mary_

This is a true story:
My es-husband was using drugs & had limited contact with our daughter. Limited because he chose not to see her. She would go years without hearing from him. When she was 8, he "found the Lord" and quit using drugs & wanted to be a father to her again. I disliked him, but there was nothing I could do legally to keep him out of her life, plus I always had that nagging question in the back of my mind "what if it's a mistake to keep them apart? Who am I to come between a father & daughter?" She (I'll call her Milly) wanted nothing to do with him. He'd always made her feel uncomfortable when she was with him & he'd say horrible things about me. At 6 when she'd ask, "when can I see mama again?" he would respond with, "If you want to see your mama, you'll have to start walking home (80 miles...) because I'm not taking you back. Your mama's a bitch."
But now, he's with the Lord & wants to see his daughter, so he starts having visits with her every other weekend for a year. Then he moved to our same town & we set up a 50/50 parenting plan. It was an awful plan but he was scary & intimidating & again legally I couldn't keep her away from him. So she was with him every other weekend & tuesday & thursdays during the week. He talked her into switching schools, told her horror stories about public school & he sent her to a private 7th Day Adventist academy. Another year later he moved to a town 30 miles away that has a nicer, larger 7th Day School & basically if she wanted to go to that school she would have to live with him 5 days a week & come home on the weekends. That's the choice she made.
Here's where I played my part in being a terrible parent: She was a month from her 13th bday & being extremely sassy & Irritating one day. I was pregnant, that's not an excuse but it did affect my feelings that day. We started arguing and it was something important to me & I ended up yelling, "I hate you!" I immediately apologized. She started her 1st period that day, which added to her attitude & she asked if she could go to her dad's for the weekend. So I took her there, thinking we had made amends. I didn't see her again for nearly a year.
In that time, her dad molested her, she reported him to Child Protective Services. He was arrested but let off. She told CPS that I had sexually, emotionally & verbally abused her her whole life so I had to go to court to be able to see her again. She refused to see me & because she was 13 they wouldn't force her. Thank God, she was assigned an amazing therapist who was able to explain to Milly that her dad had brainwashed her into believing these awful things about me. It took 8 months of therapy for her to even agree to see me or her sisters again. When we did reconnect & she told me the things her dad had told her over the years I was shocked! He told her that I'd had sex with hundreds of men. That her stepdad broke apart our marriage. She was too young to remember, but I didn't even know her stepdad when her dad & I split up. She believed everything he said because he was busy telling her lies about me during all of their visits, while I said nothing about him over the years.
Her dad is not allowed to see her anymore & she's been away from him for almost two years now. We don't hear from him, which is nice & the more time passes, the healthier she becomes.

PureandEasy

I’m glad to hear she’s doing better.

I’ll never understand how someone can do that to their child, don’t they realize the damage they are inflicting?

voidofman

I'm really sorry to hear you and your daughter had to suffer through that. It amazes me that people still do this. I'm glad she is back with you and is getting better. Blessings to you and your family.

ledvedderman

I'm glad that she's doing better too. That sounds like a terrible ordeal and good for you too for getting through it. You shouldn't say you're a terrible parent even for saying something like that. People say things they don't mean. Parents do it. Kids do it. It's what humans do. It doesn't make you a terrible parent. To be honest, you sound like an incredible individual and mother to pull through this.

My ex and I have a three year old son and while we didn't split on great terms, I would hope she would never do something so emotionally trying as what your ex did. Physical abuse is awful, but it is also an emotional abuse in the long run. Wounds heal but memories and emotional impacts won't without a lot of love, support and understanding...and it sounds like your daughter has all three to get over this.

Lizard

that's terrible.
i hope your ex is in jail for molestation.

_Crazy_Mary_

Thank you for the kind words. I would get upset at myself while he was in our life, thinking there must have been something I could have done to keep him away. I always had a bad feeling about him. I went to attorneys & court but I was always told that unless he tries to harm her, there is nothing I can do. He even admitted to attempting suicide one time while we were in a meeting with a court mediator & I thought that would be proof that he shouldn't be around her, but they didn't care.

he.who.forgets

Wow, brave of you to share this with all us wierdos
Really happy to hear that things are nearly back to normal. You certainly deserve recognition for pulling through all of that.

tinkerbell

I just want to give you and your daughter a big hug! It is disgusting that the courts wouldn't do anything until he harmed her. What is this world coming to when the courts have the power to decide what is best for the child and then they turn there back when red flags are raised.

Loulou

tinkerbell wrote:

I just want to give you and your daughter a big hug! It is disgusting that the courts wouldn't do anything until he harmed her. What is this world coming to when the courts have the power to decide what is best for the child and then they turn there back when red flags are raised.

Well said Tink! That pisses me right off too.
I'm so sorry to hear that you guys went through all of that, I am glad to hear she is getting better and that she is living with you now. Wishing you both a bright future.

ZiggyStar

Coming from someone who has been trying to fall pregnant for ages, this fucking shits me.

What kind of mother tells their child "I hate you" ?? My mother or father would NEVER say that to me. And if they did, even if it was in the heat of the moment, those words would really cut me. I can see why she fucked off to her dads. And then look what happened!

And do you really think your daughter wants you telling a pretty large forum that she was molested (and this isn't the first time you've mentioned it)....especially since you have your photo as your avatar? Seems really strange to me that a mother would blurt out such details. Shows a lack of respect to the daughter. If I was molested, that would be something I would not want to tell anyone unless they were very very close.

Seems like a pretty fucked situation from both sides imo. Poor kid.