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Tender moment with my ill dad

JOEJOEJOEJOEJOEJOE Posts: 10,671
edited July 2011 in All Encompassing Trip
As I have mentioned here in the past few months, my father is under home hospice care, which is usually provided to patients with less then six months to live. He has is now going on 2 1/2 months of hospice care.

He has never been an emotional man, so our father/son relationship never really had much warmth.

Being that his time is limited, I am trying to do as much as possible to lessen any regrets that him and I may have regarding our relationship.

He can't really communicate verbally, so I had the idea to sit with him, and hold his hand. It seemed like such a complicated task, but I am trying to push myself as much as possible.

When I got to his home today, straight away, I sat next to him and took his hand and held it for a half-hour. It seemed so natural, and I hope it conveyed my love for him that may have gone unspoken in the past.




"Do You Realize" by The Flaming Lips

Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face
Do You Realize - we're floating in space -
Do You Realize - that happiness makes you cry
Do You Realize - that everyone you know someday will die

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • dcfaithfuldcfaithful Posts: 13,076
    My thoughts are with you and your dad. It's great that you were able to have that moment with him, those things are important. I'm sure he enjoyed just as much as you did.
    7/2/06 - Denver, CO
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    9/28/09 - Salt Lake City, UT (11 years too long!!!)
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  • JOEJOEJOEJOEJOEJOE Posts: 10,671
    dcfaithful wrote:
    My thoughts are with you and your dad. It's great that you were able to have that moment with him, those things are important. I'm sure he enjoyed just as much as you did.


    Thanks!
  • chiquimonkeychiquimonkey Posts: 9,337
    That is so wonderful you are able to share those moments with your dad. I know the time I spent with my mom before she passed is something I will cherish for the rest of my life.

    I wish you and your dad many more days of spending time with each other, lots of love and support to you both.
  • Gary CarterGary Carter Posts: 14,067
    very touching story

    thoughts are with you and your dad
    Ron: I just don't feel like going out tonight
    Sammi: Wanna just break up?

  • tinkerbelltinkerbell New Zealand Posts: 2,161
    Even though you may not have had a close emotional bond to your father as an adult, I'm sure there were times when you were a small child that he sat and held your hand too. Actions speak louder than words :)
    all you need is love, love is all you need
  • arqarq Posts: 8,049
    Why do you have to make me cry, that was so deep in so many levels, I hope you can share with your dad some of that love both of you have. :cry:
    "The good thing about science is that it's true whether or not you believe in it"
    Neil deGrasse Tyson

    Why not (V) (°,,,,°) (V) ?
  • Drowned OutDrowned Out Posts: 6,056
    that just kinda choked me up.
    Father-son relationships can be so strange...any male-male hetero relationship, I suppose....for so many of us, once we're all grown up, despite the obviously HUGELY important roles our fathers/sons play in our lives, it seems awkward to have any kind of softness to the relationship; even a simple embrace or display of affection.
    I'm sure your dad appreciated the sentiment more than words could have said....I think it's great that you pushed yourself to do that, and despite the sadness of your situation, that you have the chance to address these potential regrets in advance.
    Best wishes to you and yours.
  • electronblueelectronblue Posts: 3,461
    very sorry to hear you are going through all this..my heart goes out to you and yours <3

    "Just Breathe"
    "Long Road"
    "Man Of The Hour"
    "The End"

    [just in my case, i leaned up against those songs]
    ********************************
    "Forgive every being,
    the bad feelings 
    it's just me"


  • PoncierPoncier Posts: 17,296
    Having gone through the same experience with my Dad back in 2004 (well, he could always speak, so not completely the same), my only input is to spend as much time as you can with him, he will appreciate that time, and hopefully it conveys a little peace to both of you during this difficult time. If you ever want to chat about things, feel free to send a PM.

    I wish your Dad well and hope he can squeeze some final enjoyment out of life.
    This weekend we rock Portland
  • RKCNDYRKCNDY Posts: 31,013
    I wish you peace and happiness with your father during this difficult time...human touch is such a powerful thing.
    The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.

    - Christopher McCandless
  • pinkbutterflypinkbutterfly Posts: 1,391
    :cry: Holding your dad's hand is a beautiful thing to do. I'm sure he can feel the love, 'cause I can, just reading your post. *HUG*
    My last message to you ~

    You're right. You are a monster! You are sick! Get help!

    At least, I am not a fuck-up! A lying fuck-up!
  • pandorapandora Posts: 21,855
    These tender moments ... these memories, this bonding means so much.

    Having gone through this with my parents... it is not easy to leave this world,
    not for them, not for you but love eases the way for you both.
  • EnkiduEnkidu So Cal Posts: 2,996
    That's swell. I'm glad you posted that.
  • mfc2006mfc2006 HTOWN Posts: 37,484
    edited July 2011
    so glad you had that time with him....time is everything.

    (just re-read this before i hit submit...and i'm sorry if this a sob story...but if feels so good to talk/wrote about right now....thanks)

    it makes me think about the last visit i had with my dad while he was fighting ALS. dad & i weren't very close while i was growing up...i wasn't a bad kid, but i sure pushed his buttons. as we got older, we grew a little closer. on the morning of the last day i saw him...he was feeling weak. my brother was going to drive me to the airport to fly back to Kansas City (where i was living) from Houston. i sat down next to him on the couch...he could barely speak, but he said "Matt...don't think i'll be going to the airport today." i told him not to worry about it...to gather his strength & rest and that i understood. dad was on a breathing machine & a feeding tube...but he looked good..i could tell that he was in good spirits. i started telling random stories about growing up...some very funny ones & he started laughing like crazy. i was holding his hand the whole time...and he was squeezing it...which he couldn't really do anymore b/c of ALS....it was one of the best hours of my life. he took out the breathing machine tube so he could really laugh...it was great. all of a sudden, he had enough strength to go the airport...so i was able to spend another 45 minutes with him.

    he passed away 3 1/2 months later...and i was supposed to see him prior to that...but i couldn't make it down b/c of work. at the time, i was angry that i missed that last visit....but now i know that our last visit was better than i could have ever imagined.

    thoughts & prayers are with you & your family, Joe. enjoy those moments & know that he'll always be right by your side. it's tough...i know....but i can honestly feel my dad's presence as i type this.

    thoughts & prayers,
    Matt
    Post edited by mfc2006 on
    I LOVE MUSIC.
    www.cluthelee.com
    www.cluthe.com
  • FifthelementFifthelement Lotusland Posts: 6,963
    My heart goes out to you and your dad Joe. I'm glad that you are able to spend this time together. ((((hugs & good vibes))))
    "What the CANUCK happened?!? - Esquimalt Barber Shop
  • dr0ptheleashdr0ptheleash Posts: 1,264
    It's so nice that you got to have that moment, I'm sure it is something that you will cherish for a very long time. I wish you and your family the strength to get through all these obstacles in the future. And that Lips song is the absolute perfect soundtrack for hard times like this. I find myself putting it on repeat more often than I'd like.

    Best of luck with everything.
  • decides2dreamdecides2dream Posts: 14,977
    that really is special...good for you both.
    joex3....hugsx3.
    :)
    Stay with me...
    Let's just breathe...


    I am myself like you somehow


  • PureandEasyPureandEasy Posts: 5,815
    mfc2006 wrote:
    and i was supposed to see him prior to that...but i couldn't make it down b/c of work. at the time, i was angry that i missed that last visit....but now i know that our last visit was better than i could have ever imagined.


    that's so sweet.

    I hope you are able to spend these last months and share special moments like this with your dad Joe. Just being there and holding his hand, I'm sure is bringing him joy.
    Don't come closer or I'll have to go
  • LizardLizard So Cal Posts: 12,091
    Wow Joe...that was powerful..

    You are a good son.
    So I'll just lie down and wait for the dream
    Where I'm not ugly and you're lookin' at me
  • haffajappahaffajappa British Columbia Posts: 5,955
    Aww, Joe. So sorry for this difficult time.

    I am extremely close with my father but my boyfriend is not. I feel lately that I am getting exhausted with his sometimes pessimistic views and lack of compassion... the other day i told him i felt sorry for him that his parents raised him to embrace the world with such a cold hearted view... he always speaks so cooly of his father 'probably dying soon' and, i don't know if its some sort of pseudo machoism, always acts like he doesn't care when people close to him die.

    i think its beautiful that you are reaching out to your dad even if you weren't close to him at all. ♥
    live pearl jam is best pearl jam
  • JOEJOEJOEJOEJOEJOE Posts: 10,671
    I thank everyone for reading my sappy thoughts and for the kind wishes!
  • ClaireackClaireack Posts: 13,561
    Joe - that was really beautiful, touch can be such a powerful way of communicating.

    My thoughts are with you all x
    <a href="http://s952.photobucket.com/albums/ae8/catkinson_2009/?action=view&current=domo.jpg&quot; target="_blank"><img src="http://i952.photobucket.com/albums/ae8/catkinson_2009/domo.jpg&quot; border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>
  • JOEJOEJOEJOEJOEJOE Posts: 10,671
    mfc2006 wrote:
    so glad you had that time with him....time is everything.

    (just re-read this before i hit submit...and i'm sorry if this a sob story...but if feels so good to talk/wrote about right now....thanks)

    it makes me think about the last visit i had with my dad while he was fighting ALS. dad & i weren't very close while i was growing up...i wasn't a bad kid, but i sure pushed his buttons. as we got older, we grew a little closer. on the morning of the last day i saw him...he was feeling weak. my brother was going to drive me to the airport to fly back to Kansas City (where i was living) from Houston. i sat down next to him on the couch...he could barely speak, but he said "Matt...don't think i'll be going to the airport today." i told him not to worry about it...to gather his strength & rest and that i understood. dad was on a breathing machine & a feeding tube...but he looked good..i could tell that he was in good spirits. i started telling random stories about growing up...some very funny ones & he started laughing like crazy. i was holding his hand the whole time...and he was squeezing it...which he couldn't really do anymore b/c of ALS....it was one of the best hours of my life. he took out the breathing machine tube so he could really laugh...it was great. all of a sudden, he had enough strength to go the airport...so i was able to spend another 45 minutes with him.

    he passed away 3 1/2 months later...and i was supposed to see him prior to that...but i couldn't make it down b/c of work. at the time, i was angry that i missed that last visit....but now i know that our last visit was better than i could have ever imagined.

    thoughts & prayers are with you & your family, Joe. enjoy those moments & know that he'll always be right by your side. it's tough...i know....but i can honestly feel my dad's presence as i type this.

    thoughts & prayers,
    Matt

    Very touching story...thanks!
  • Sprunkn7Sprunkn7 Posts: 5,286
    I do agree, touch is a powerful thing. I think your trying to embrace what the situation is. It's not like there's a choice in what is happening. These are the memories that will be the strongest in your mind for a while and regret would be shame.

    Also a quick thanks for your support at my loss. It was a comfort that people I didn't even know would be so kind.

    Sending hugs and prayers to you and your family Joe.
    Thank you fellow 10 clubber for saving my ass....again!!!
  • rollingsrollings unknown Posts: 7,125
    JOEJOEJOE wrote:
    When I got to his home today, straight away, I sat next to him and took his hand and held it for a half-hour. It seemed so natural, and I hope it conveyed my love for him that may have gone unspoken in the past.

    "Do You Realize" by The Flaming Lips

    Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face
    Do You Realize - we're floating in space -
    Do You Realize - that happiness makes you cry
    Do You Realize - that everyone you know someday will die

    And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know
    You realize that life goes fast
    It's hard to make the good things last
    You realize the sun doesn't go down
    It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

    How moving is your story.

    This Flaming Lips song...these words....have come to mean so much to me....

    Do you realize...we're floating in space...
    do you realize....that everyone you know someday will die

    talk about a hefty dose of ultimate perspective--

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fk76rsV71S0
  • pearljgirl2010pearljgirl2010 Shillington, PA/Tuckerton, NJ Posts: 3,428
    JOEJOEJOE wrote:
    Being that his time is limited, I am trying to do as much as possible to lessen any regrets that him and I may have regarding our relationship.

    When I got to his home today, straight away, I sat next to him and took his hand and held it for a half-hour. It seemed so natural, and I hope it conveyed my love for him that may have gone unspoken in the past.

    that's beautiful....and I believe that little gestures like that absolutely lessen any regrets that either of you have. It's so important to live for today and not in the past...you did a lovely thing, which was healing for both of you in many ways :-)
    Need a tour Travel Agent??? Pick me :-)

    Whatever you are, be a good one --Lincoln
  • JOEJOEJOEJOEJOEJOE Posts: 10,671
    pearljgirl2010 wrote:
    JOEJOEJOE wrote:
    Being that his time is limited, I am trying to do as much as possible to lessen any regrets that him and I may have regarding our relationship.

    When I got to his home today, straight away, I sat next to him and took his hand and held it for a half-hour. It seemed so natural, and I hope it conveyed my love for him that may have gone unspoken in the past.

    that's beautiful....and I believe that little gestures like that absolutely lessen any regrets that either of you have. It's so important to live for today and not in the past...you did a lovely thing, which was healing for both of you in many ways :-)

    Thanks!
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