I wonder

justam

My oldest habit is to go and hide when I need to cry
go and sit in the dark somewhere and drip water
and maybe mutter to myself?
think dark, hurt thoughts!
crawl under a blanket, and cry alone
even now, that's what I feel like doing at those times
just be alone
I keep my sadness to myself
I learned that at my mom's house
for crying never got me a good response,
and problems were inconvenient for other people
so I learned to keep it all to myself
and fix whatever I could on my own
and what I couldn't fix, I didn't tend to mention
by dawn, I'd just come out to try another day

For example, these last few years have been really hard on me
for a lot of reasons
They've changed me.
I can see it on my body and
I can feel it in my lose of innocence
and in the lose of a lot of my hope
but I'd probably never tell anyone I feel this way
and if I don't go wailing about it out on the sidewalk,
well, I'd guess,
that's probably because my most ancient habit is
to go inside and hide when I need to cry
and then, in the morning,
I try to come outside ready to battle a new day
or come out carrying a few fresh ideas

I wonder if I'll ever get used to showing my most inconvenient emotions?
The ones that make other people uncomfortable like
the jealous ones, the angry ones, the hurt ones, the irrational, dissatisfied ones?
Tell me, who needs to see those anyway?!
Is it worse to work through them alone, or to throw them out on the table and upset everyone else?
Wouldn't that just ruin relationships?
And don't they pass anyway?
And what if they're just from hormones, stress, or pms?

zarocat

That is good. Really, really good. I can definitely relate.