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Top 100 Reasons Why Pearl Jam Didn't Play The South
illegal pants
Posts: 13,471
This is a copy and paste from an AET thread from many eons ago, thought it could provide a chuckle or two for you all. I remember it was supposed to be another 'top 10' but we just had too many contributions to make! Please note, no harm/offense intended 
1. Ed prefers wine rather than moonshine
2. Just Because .....
3. They thought "The South" meant "The Southern Hemisphere" so they went to Australia instead
4. 'Cos he dunna likey dayut Bush Feller.. *Cleatus laugh*
5. Pearl Jam are against the dirty art of in-breeding
6. Because Ed, Stone, Jeff and Mike don't know how to play the Banjo yet
7. No venue carparks were big enough to accommodate all the trailers
8. Pearl Jam saw the Pauly Shore Movie.. Son in Law, and were afraid they'd be attacked by "Inbreeeeders" with pitch forks!
9. Because they don't like Grits
10. The South blows!
11. Pearl Jam DID play there but those darn southern yokels couldn't read the announcement
12. The boys had to wrestle Jethro from the Beverly Hillbillies before they could even book a venue... They declined!
13. They had communication problems with venue managers as they couldn't understand what they were saying except for every second word being 'like'
14. They saw that old movie where the man was made to get down on all fours and squeal like a pig and it terrified them
15. They couldn't take their loved ones to the concerts as the venues had a 'no animal policy' so there was a lack of demand
16. "My Name is Earl" does not rate high in all the other US states so Pearl Jam made their decision based on that
17. Pearl Jam wouldn't allow those with two heads to be facilitated on the 1 ticket, and unfortunately those people couldn't afford 2 tickets on their welfare payouts
18. They are waiting until they release their "Crunk" album next year.
19. Ed wants to teach himself to play the washboard while blowing into the harmonica first
20. The South wants no part in the preservation of Mr. Leatherback's family
21. Because the south think 'conservation' is all about the art of making jam/jelly
22. The South was billed to be on the 1st Leg of the US tour but the locals thought that because it was on Leg 1, then only amputees could attend, so demand wasn't sufficient enough to play
23. Don't even get me started.....
24. They wanted to see how many reasons we could come up with before admin stepped in
25. Because they absolutely hate petitions to play in places
26. 'Cos Mike's moisturising cream melts in their climate
27. Because the humidity turns Ed and Boom's hair turn into afros
28. Stone may get mistaken for a wild animal during his duck walk and may be hunted
29. They felt they did their part by playing at the Hurricane Katrina Benefit so in their eyes they didn't owe The South anything
30. Because after the Bush Mask fiasco in 2003 Ed was told he wouldn't be allowed to wear his Ku Klux Klan suit
31. Because there's shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo, pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried, there's pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich.
32. Because the band were disappointed after learning that their idol Britney Spears is a product of Louisiana trailer trash
33. They realised that their hillbilly rock wasn't quite up to par
34. Because they are waiting for Road House 3 to be finished and will perform a week at the Double Deuce.
35. It's Stone's fault... he's allergic to being that much closer to the Equator..
36. Because Mike refuses to learn how to play the Fiddle
37. Southern Fried Chicken is very oily and bad for them
38. They were going to tour there so they could meet Colonel Sanders but found out he died in 1980, so they cancelled
39. Ed was informed that a 'mullet' was essential if they were gonna play the south and he wasn't prepared to make that commitment
40. The South wasn't big enough for both Pearl Jam and Chuck Norris
41. Eddie can't wear flannel in that climate
42. Kid Rock has the monopoly on music in The South
43. Because no-one down there can ever spell Mississippi right
44. Mmmm.....Arkansas or Athens? That's a hard choice to make
45. Because Tom Sawyer and Gone With the Wind are both over-rated
46. Intimidated by the live shows of the Drive By Truckers
47. They weren't too happy about serving raccoon on a stick for pre-show munchies
48. They're waiting until Ed grows his beard long enough to look like Billy Gibbons of ZZTop
49. They'd only get Trailer Trash Groupies
50. There are no 10C members as Southerners refused to buy membership as there was no discount for producing their Social Security Cards
51. For the same reason they never play Tasmania, they don't have Electricity down there
52. Because they couldn't get overalls embroidered with the Pearl Jam logo ready in time to sell at the merch vans
53. They couldn't find BumFuckIdaho on the map
54. Because Ed's angry baritone does not go well with Gospel music
55. Because they knew if they all didn't stand very still during their set the audience would get excited thinking they were performing 'un-natural acts' with their instruments
56. The tour bus is still in the shop having 'The Duke's of Hazard' Air-Horns fitted
57. Because the band thought "I Wish I Was in Dixie" was the title of a porn movie.
58. The Northern states were all out of Confederate Flags, which are required by law, to be flown from aerials on vehicles before crossing over the invisible Southern border.
59. The band is still pissed about the Civil War
60. They cant let the audience join in the chants because they insist on putting "y'all" in front of every line
61. Because they were fuckin scared!!
62. Because they didn't want their tour stickers to read "Ditch The Drummer - We're Goin Huntin!!!"
63. Because their fan base is too stupid to even play the TOP 10 game right!
64. Because they're too scared of being eaten by giant snakes!
65. They wanted to avoid the customary tradition of having to f uck their own sisters.
66. While rocking back and forth on the porch, Ma and Pa heard that Ed was going to bring a case of wine, and not the Spirit of the South - Jack Daniels. They re-loaded their shotguns, and wait.....
67. Frankly my dears.... They don't give a damn!!
68. Pearl Jam was told that shoes would not be allowed and all women in their crew would have to be pregnant
69. Pearl Jam backed out because the guys in the band had 17 more teeth than the expected crowd combined
70. Because Crohn's Disease and Cajun food don't mix..
71. ***crickets***
72. Because the average attention span is only 1 1/2 songs
73. The album Ten didn't do very well in the South as no one knew the number existed. Even though they have 12 fingers
74. Because they were warned that the person who created this http://forums.pearljam.com/showthread.php?t=243689 thread would be there ... awaiting ...
75. 'Cos Dolly Parton's implants burst and the region is flooded and Stone refuses to play with floaties on 'cos he will no longer be able to do the duck walk properly
76. Because the only one who looked good in a cowboy hat was Stone.
77. And then Jeff got jealous
78. 'Cos Boom kept getting mistaken for Jesse Duke
79 . Because they didn't think snake skins hanging from the mike stands would be a good look
80. Because Ed's legs are too short for brown leather cowboy boots (they come up to his knees)!
81. Because they refuse to play "Achey Breaky Heart"
82. Mike, Stone and Jeff didn't have enough time to grow full mullets!
83. Because the abbreviation for New Orleans is NO which they thought was an omen not to play there
84. Because the complicated steps required to "Bootscoot" were just beyond Eddie's dance skills
85. Theys got lost in them corn fields
86. They was scared of them 'gators!
87. Because the band are still having terrifying flashbacks from their parents letting them watch Deliverance when they were kids
88. Because they didn't think they could bear having their jeans hanging below their bums for that long
89. Because they're still perfecting how to spit out their chewing tobacco juice from the sides of their mouths...WHILST keeping the piece of straw still in their mouths
90. Because Pearl Jam are bigger than Texas
91. They really wanted to catch up with Forrest Gump but they heard he was still running
92. Because they came to Townsville and had a secret party with me and Wade!
93. They were to scared to take part in the pre/after show destruction derbies
94. They were worried that their Mums son, who was her husbands uncle, who's uncle was their daddys gran-papa, who's gran-mama was related to the armadillo roadkill, would make them sign her boobs again.
95. They're still trying to write a song with the words "she thinks my tractors sexy" in it.
96. Because the only porn they can buy involves pigs and donkeys (and Boom gets jealous of the big schlongs on the donkeys).
97. None of the band member LIKE to go "Down South", sorry ladies!
98. Ed changed his mind when he found out he couldn't smoke "hash" browns
99. Because the south fucking COMPLAIN too much!
100. As WMA isn't played anymore, George W. Bush tried to invade Pearl Jam thinking they were hiding WMD's, but got mixed up cos Bush couldn't spell WMD.
1. Ed prefers wine rather than moonshine
2. Just Because .....
3. They thought "The South" meant "The Southern Hemisphere" so they went to Australia instead
4. 'Cos he dunna likey dayut Bush Feller.. *Cleatus laugh*
5. Pearl Jam are against the dirty art of in-breeding
6. Because Ed, Stone, Jeff and Mike don't know how to play the Banjo yet
7. No venue carparks were big enough to accommodate all the trailers
8. Pearl Jam saw the Pauly Shore Movie.. Son in Law, and were afraid they'd be attacked by "Inbreeeeders" with pitch forks!
9. Because they don't like Grits
10. The South blows!
11. Pearl Jam DID play there but those darn southern yokels couldn't read the announcement
12. The boys had to wrestle Jethro from the Beverly Hillbillies before they could even book a venue... They declined!
13. They had communication problems with venue managers as they couldn't understand what they were saying except for every second word being 'like'
14. They saw that old movie where the man was made to get down on all fours and squeal like a pig and it terrified them
15. They couldn't take their loved ones to the concerts as the venues had a 'no animal policy' so there was a lack of demand
16. "My Name is Earl" does not rate high in all the other US states so Pearl Jam made their decision based on that
17. Pearl Jam wouldn't allow those with two heads to be facilitated on the 1 ticket, and unfortunately those people couldn't afford 2 tickets on their welfare payouts
18. They are waiting until they release their "Crunk" album next year.
19. Ed wants to teach himself to play the washboard while blowing into the harmonica first
20. The South wants no part in the preservation of Mr. Leatherback's family
21. Because the south think 'conservation' is all about the art of making jam/jelly
22. The South was billed to be on the 1st Leg of the US tour but the locals thought that because it was on Leg 1, then only amputees could attend, so demand wasn't sufficient enough to play
23. Don't even get me started.....
24. They wanted to see how many reasons we could come up with before admin stepped in
25. Because they absolutely hate petitions to play in places
26. 'Cos Mike's moisturising cream melts in their climate
27. Because the humidity turns Ed and Boom's hair turn into afros
28. Stone may get mistaken for a wild animal during his duck walk and may be hunted
29. They felt they did their part by playing at the Hurricane Katrina Benefit so in their eyes they didn't owe The South anything
30. Because after the Bush Mask fiasco in 2003 Ed was told he wouldn't be allowed to wear his Ku Klux Klan suit
31. Because there's shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo, pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried, there's pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich.
32. Because the band were disappointed after learning that their idol Britney Spears is a product of Louisiana trailer trash
33. They realised that their hillbilly rock wasn't quite up to par
34. Because they are waiting for Road House 3 to be finished and will perform a week at the Double Deuce.
35. It's Stone's fault... he's allergic to being that much closer to the Equator..
36. Because Mike refuses to learn how to play the Fiddle
37. Southern Fried Chicken is very oily and bad for them
38. They were going to tour there so they could meet Colonel Sanders but found out he died in 1980, so they cancelled
39. Ed was informed that a 'mullet' was essential if they were gonna play the south and he wasn't prepared to make that commitment
40. The South wasn't big enough for both Pearl Jam and Chuck Norris
41. Eddie can't wear flannel in that climate
42. Kid Rock has the monopoly on music in The South
43. Because no-one down there can ever spell Mississippi right
44. Mmmm.....Arkansas or Athens? That's a hard choice to make
45. Because Tom Sawyer and Gone With the Wind are both over-rated
46. Intimidated by the live shows of the Drive By Truckers
47. They weren't too happy about serving raccoon on a stick for pre-show munchies
48. They're waiting until Ed grows his beard long enough to look like Billy Gibbons of ZZTop
49. They'd only get Trailer Trash Groupies
50. There are no 10C members as Southerners refused to buy membership as there was no discount for producing their Social Security Cards
51. For the same reason they never play Tasmania, they don't have Electricity down there
52. Because they couldn't get overalls embroidered with the Pearl Jam logo ready in time to sell at the merch vans
53. They couldn't find BumFuckIdaho on the map
54. Because Ed's angry baritone does not go well with Gospel music
55. Because they knew if they all didn't stand very still during their set the audience would get excited thinking they were performing 'un-natural acts' with their instruments
56. The tour bus is still in the shop having 'The Duke's of Hazard' Air-Horns fitted
57. Because the band thought "I Wish I Was in Dixie" was the title of a porn movie.
58. The Northern states were all out of Confederate Flags, which are required by law, to be flown from aerials on vehicles before crossing over the invisible Southern border.
59. The band is still pissed about the Civil War
60. They cant let the audience join in the chants because they insist on putting "y'all" in front of every line
61. Because they were fuckin scared!!
62. Because they didn't want their tour stickers to read "Ditch The Drummer - We're Goin Huntin!!!"
63. Because their fan base is too stupid to even play the TOP 10 game right!
64. Because they're too scared of being eaten by giant snakes!
65. They wanted to avoid the customary tradition of having to f uck their own sisters.
66. While rocking back and forth on the porch, Ma and Pa heard that Ed was going to bring a case of wine, and not the Spirit of the South - Jack Daniels. They re-loaded their shotguns, and wait.....
67. Frankly my dears.... They don't give a damn!!
68. Pearl Jam was told that shoes would not be allowed and all women in their crew would have to be pregnant
69. Pearl Jam backed out because the guys in the band had 17 more teeth than the expected crowd combined
70. Because Crohn's Disease and Cajun food don't mix..
71. ***crickets***
72. Because the average attention span is only 1 1/2 songs
73. The album Ten didn't do very well in the South as no one knew the number existed. Even though they have 12 fingers
74. Because they were warned that the person who created this http://forums.pearljam.com/showthread.php?t=243689 thread would be there ... awaiting ...
75. 'Cos Dolly Parton's implants burst and the region is flooded and Stone refuses to play with floaties on 'cos he will no longer be able to do the duck walk properly
76. Because the only one who looked good in a cowboy hat was Stone.
77. And then Jeff got jealous
78. 'Cos Boom kept getting mistaken for Jesse Duke
79 . Because they didn't think snake skins hanging from the mike stands would be a good look
80. Because Ed's legs are too short for brown leather cowboy boots (they come up to his knees)!
81. Because they refuse to play "Achey Breaky Heart"
82. Mike, Stone and Jeff didn't have enough time to grow full mullets!
83. Because the abbreviation for New Orleans is NO which they thought was an omen not to play there
84. Because the complicated steps required to "Bootscoot" were just beyond Eddie's dance skills
85. Theys got lost in them corn fields
86. They was scared of them 'gators!
87. Because the band are still having terrifying flashbacks from their parents letting them watch Deliverance when they were kids
88. Because they didn't think they could bear having their jeans hanging below their bums for that long
89. Because they're still perfecting how to spit out their chewing tobacco juice from the sides of their mouths...WHILST keeping the piece of straw still in their mouths
90. Because Pearl Jam are bigger than Texas
91. They really wanted to catch up with Forrest Gump but they heard he was still running
92. Because they came to Townsville and had a secret party with me and Wade!
93. They were to scared to take part in the pre/after show destruction derbies
94. They were worried that their Mums son, who was her husbands uncle, who's uncle was their daddys gran-papa, who's gran-mama was related to the armadillo roadkill, would make them sign her boobs again.
95. They're still trying to write a song with the words "she thinks my tractors sexy" in it.
96. Because the only porn they can buy involves pigs and donkeys (and Boom gets jealous of the big schlongs on the donkeys).
97. None of the band member LIKE to go "Down South", sorry ladies!
98. Ed changed his mind when he found out he couldn't smoke "hash" browns
99. Because the south fucking COMPLAIN too much!
100. As WMA isn't played anymore, George W. Bush tried to invade Pearl Jam thinking they were hiding WMD's, but got mixed up cos Bush couldn't spell WMD.
wah
Post edited by Unknown User on
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Comments
Ya know, honestly, if I were Pearl Jam I wouldn't want to play here either. Maybe Austin. But goddamn it I wish they would.
Edit: I have to admit that some of it is funny, I just get tired of hearing that we all are barefoot and married to our cousins. Trust me, if you got this every time you told somebody you were from Arkansas, the humor wears off after a while. Anyway, not to point fingers at you, I know it's just a joke and all was meant in fun. Also, take into account that on top of the insults, we never get any PJ.
fade away...
I am at peace with my lust.....for Eddie.
come on, if u can't take a joke on april first...
PJ: 2011-09-03 2011-09-04
Abrn Hlls '98 - Clarkston 2 '03 - Grd Rpds '06 - Abrn Hlls '06 - Clvd '10 - PJ20 - Berlin 1+2 '12 - Wrigley '13 - Pitt '13- buff '13- Philly 1+2 '13 - Seattle '13
Sorry about No. 70, Mike. :oops: