Advice From Everybody! Please Reply!

hedave

Hey Everybody,
For about a year now, I've been dating someone special. We're in love as I've never felt love before. Time stands still and everyday is cosmic blink of tidal energy. I took her to a Pearl Jam show in September, 2010. That night was one of those moments that somehow bound us forever, communal and singular. She's a few years older than me, married for 22 years, now divorced. When she left her husband, we got together right away. We'd been friends for quit sometime. It's been lighting in a bottle ever since. However, with her grad school program, her youngest son and perhaps a notion that she just needs to take a breath, she wants to be less serious. We'll still go out, celebrate, hold hands, have movie night. It'll be like dating again and just enjoying our time together. She hasn't ended this, really. In essence, I just don't have to be around all the time. Perhaps we did just need to put the brakes on after all.

A very small voice tells me to just be patient. Let her miss me, think about the two of us and so on. This is perhaps a normal transition for someone married so long. If she truly loves me, she'll never really go anywhere. At least that's what my heart says. Yet, the more prideful and selfish facet of myself says she doesn't know how good she's got. But I feel I shouldn't be impatient now. Acting such would just push her away. She loves me...I can't see being with anyone else for the rest of my life. Somehow, I know that unless she emancipates this feeling of independence, exploring what it might be like to just be single, I'll lose her forever.

Am I right? Should I simply be patient? Come on, serious time. No bullshit. I'm sure some of you have had the same experience.

2-feign-reluctance

Love is a game. Easy to start, hard to finish.

StillHere

hedave,

being in a similar situation (except for the new boyfriend part) of being married for 22 years and going through a divorce, I would say,
let her know that you love her
let her know that you're always there for her
and then let her have some space

Of course I don't know what your relationship is all about
but from what you say it sounds like you two were friends during her marriage
so you know how her ex is/was

IF he was a controlling or smothering person to her then she may be scared now that she is single again that she faces the same type of commitment and that that commitment can easily go wrong...after all, she must have loved her ex at one point, and now look what happened, right?

she's probably scared

love her but let her be herself for a while before being with someone else for the rest of her life

I'm not saying let go....I'm saying.....give her room to explore being just her

if she loves you, and it sounds like she does, it will all work out in the end.

good luck to both of you

mickeyrat

just breathe dude, and let her do the same. still see each other yes? can that be enough for you? sounds like she has a lot going on.

Hugh Freaking Dillon

I was very good friends with a girl for several years. And her boyfriend (he was the singer of my band at the time). They dated 8 years. She thought they'd get married. He broke it off. Then she and I became tighter. Fast forward 10 months after a Tea Party show, she tells me she's in love with me. Then she tells me she can't commit to me right now, not yet, but soon, if I can wait for her. Did for a bit, then I got fed up at being strung along and started to date someone else. I knew it was not right. I KNEW it was she I wanted to be with. I broke it off with my g/f and made it known. Still had to wait 6 more months until she was ready for another heavy relationship. Three years later we're engaged. One year after that, married.

Six years after that, as of June 30/10, we have a four year old and a one year old; both beautiful daughters.

Waiting for her was the best thing I ever did. As much as it killed my pride at the time, it worked out for me. Give her space but give yourself a time limit (don't give it to her-she'll freak and back off even more). Then bring "us" up again, and see where it goes. If no progress, revisit your options.

Best of luck to you.

free2beme

wow such good advice from everyone so far, hmmm its a hard one dude and depends how good you are at going it alone. Would seriously give her the space she needs to figure it all out and a good idea to give yourself a bit of a time limit (be realistic), be brave and hang in there. Also remember there are other women out there who will share those beautiful Pearl Jam moments with you.....

Gmoney

"Love aint love until you give it up"

melva02

I think she's just not that into you. You'll be sad to think about that but it's actually kind of freeing - why date someone who doesn't want to be with you?

I also predict this thread will have left the porch by the time you read this.

Hugh Freaking Dillon

I don't know. why would she date him for a whole year if she wasn't that into him? I think, from the info he's given, that she just realized that maybe she moved a bit too fast after her divorce.

melva02 wrote:

I think she's just not that into you. You'll be sad to think about that but it's actually kind of freeing - why date someone who doesn't want to be with you?

I also predict this thread will have left the porch by the time you read this.

StillHere

melva02 wrote:

I think she's just not that into you. You'll be sad to think about that but it's actually kind of freeing - why date someone who doesn't want to be with you?

I also predict this thread will have left the porch by the time you read this.

let's be nice and helpful

Markiemark70

You said that after 22 years of marriage you two got together right away? I don't blame her for wanting some time on her own at least not commited to any kind of compromise, just doing what she wants. It is the right thing for her no doubt. Jumping back into relationships is not healthy.

Anyway you have no option here if you really care for her as much as you say: you have to let her have her space. Maybe she will come back, maybe not, but trying to pressure here will NEVER work. I know it sucks but that's life.

Best of luck.

StillHere

Markiemark70 wrote:

You said that after 22 years of marriage you two got together right away? I don't blame her for wanting some time on her own at least not commited to any kind of compromise, just doing what she wants. It is the right thing for her no doubt. Jumping back into relationships is not healthy.

Anyway you have no option here if you really care for her as much as you say: you have to let her have her space. Maybe she will come back, maybe not, but trying to pressure here will NEVER work. I know it sucks but that's life.

Best of luck.

I agree 100%...give her time. As I was saying, I know since I'm going through the same thing right now, (except that I plan on taking a long, long, long, time out to rediscover myself before getting involved with anyone, for sure) ...anyway...this has got to be hard for her, even if you were best friends for your entire life..it's still going to be hard. It's scary to be involved with someone right after going through such a tough thing as a divorce...even if she isn't particularly fond of her ex, hell, even if she hate's him, well, that's even more of a reason for her to be scared.
Perhaps she feels that if she gets too close to you for too long, that the same thing will happen.
Be there for her. Leave her plenty of room.
I know it's hard.
Hugs

hedave

This was everything I've been thinking. Just have be patient and understanding. That's what I feel like I need to do this time, anyway. Thanks everybody!

pandora

Time will tell what will be but if she asking for less serious, perhaps she wants to date others. You have to decide if you are good with that. If this is the case, its hard to share the cookie once it was all yours. Most likely you won't feel happy or fulfilled.
It may be you had a beautiful friendship for a time together and that is all.
Or perhaps she will take some time by herself or dating others and see you are the right person to share the rest of her life with.
Funny thing is you have no control over any of it. What will be will be and know whatever that is it's the best thing for you in the long run. In the big picture book of life it is but one still photo.