Reflection in the pool

pandora

After the funeral yesterday we made a much needed stop at the liquor store,
went home to take a much needed float in the pool,
with a much needed lemonade and vodka, extra lemon, extra vodka.
With the sun waning but still warm on my tanned skin
I was reminded I was still alive and all I would miss if I weren't.

I look over to see JB floating next to me,
reflective sunglasses showing the world as he sees it.
Me on my floatie, framed in blue rippling water,
peaceful yet sad, my eyes puffy from crying.
The tall trees swaying in a wonderful steady breeze
that occasionally carries the sweet smell of lily.
Flowers reflected, a celebration each one,
yellow, pink, purple, orange.
Tiki guy with unruly asparagus fern "hair" growing wildly,
standing guard over our world.
The doggies watching this world go by
from under the shaded tree there on the pool deck.

As I look at JB, a little sad smile moves his lips,
I return the favor and the words echo in my thoughts,
'Please Lord do not take this man from me anytime soon' .
Our thoughts are in sync as often they are and he takes in a deep breath
letting the words flow out on exhale,
"I love you, please don't ever leave me".
Floating there quietly our minds retrace the events of the day.

It is always sad to say goodbye, even if it has been a long full life
but 49 and sudden brings a certain solemn.
She was the wife of a member of a local biker group.
We pull up to the funeral home to a line of beautiful bikes, a multitude of color,
helmets hang from the handlebars.
We are biker wannabes,
hanging with them at our local south side bars.
Where the food is good, drinks cheap, live bands dependable.
Never a dull moment.
The bikers are friendly, loyal, generous folk who do not judge others.
These being qualities I so admire in people.
JB really wants a bike of his own but hasn't taken the leap.
He longingly looks over each bike and his sad puppy dog eyes end in mine.
I give him the answer I always do "Go for it!"

Inside the funeral home new life and past life meet in a small room to the right.
Tiny newborn cousins are rocked next to Grandma laid in her coffin for final respects.
Another room holds many smiling pictures of a life past and TV plays videos of happy times.
Sign the book, take the announcement, try to read it but its too sad,
"Miss me but not for long"
I will save that for another day already fighting back the tears.

The ceremony begins with "Arms of an Angel" by Miss Sarah.
Not many dry eyes after that, even amongst the otherwise tough tattooed men.
A few people speak of love shared, funny moments, cherished times spent.
She had not wanted anything religious but a nephew does approach the subject,
God and the Bible.
Not connecting much with the crowd but attempting to send a thoughtful message
He begins with verse.
I love words, beautiful words placed just right that they pull at the heart.
For me this is not the Bible. This I am sorry for.
From his speech he is telling us to mourn.
That mourning is looked upon by God as a better state of soul than rejoicing.
I guess I am sitting pretty with God then.
I have found nothing to rejoice in this passing,
just profound sadness and loss.
He reminds us we will all come to this place.
A time to be judged by God.
This thought I have trouble with.
My revelation tells me not to judge others.
That spiritual growth can only come once we let that go.
With God being the highest of all spirits,
I don't feel in my heart he will be judging me.
Instead I will be finally accepted for exactly who I am.
Held in the embrace of absolute unconditional love.

My thoughts return to the young man's words and he is saying
now would be a great time to reflect on our own lives.
This a good thought for me.
Reflection.
If there is a plan, if everything happens for a reason
then let reflection be the reason for this untimely passing.

So here on my floatie in the healing sunshine,
as the warmth of God covers me.
I appreciate all that I have been given.
I acknowledge the blessings and say 'thank you Lord'.
I worship this awe inspiring world that He has created for us.
I feel the love. The greatest blessing in life. The reason for life itself.
I accept my flaws and those of others as we are all really the same in the end.
And I will live my days the best I can
until I myself am in the arms of an Angel.

blenderman69

i cry for you pandi,my friend...and i rejoice for you too...you made me reflect,i'm going through the hardest time in my life that i've had in 14 years. i want to give up all the time.but i can't so on i go ..rember i told you my dad died in a motercycle accident...he was in a club. his colors went in the ground with him.in the funeral procession we had at least 200 of his brothers riding infont,behind and next to our limo.at the funeral as his coffin was lowerd in the ground they gave him a 200 bike salute all revving they're harleys at the same time....i've never heard anything so loud or beautifull in my life....his colors are in my closet.i can ride with his brothers anytime i want(in his place)i may do it someday and go to sturgis...for my dad "big AL"

StillHere

so moving
i am crying now, both with sadness
and with the beauty of your words
thank you for sharing

when i came to the part

"Tiny newborn cousins are rocked next to Grandma laid in her coffin for final respects.
Another room holds many smiling pictures of a life past and TV plays videos of happy times.
Sign the book, take the announcement, try to read it but its too sad,
"Miss me but not for long"

the tears began to flow freely and haven't stopped yet.

I am so sorry for your loss

Your writing expresses your feelings gorgeously

pandora

blenderman69 wrote:

i cry for you pandi,my friend...and i rejoice for you too...you made me reflect,i'm going through the hardest time in my life that i've had in 14 years. i want to give up all the time.but i can't so on i go ..rember i told you my dad died in a motercycle accident...he was in a club. his colors went in the ground with him.in the funeral procession we had at least 200 of his brothers riding infont,behind and next to our limo.at the funeral as his coffin was lowerd in the ground they gave him a 200 bike salute all revving they're harleys at the same time....i've never heard anything so loud or beautifull in my life....his colors are in my closet.i can ride with his brothers anytime i want(in his place)i may do it someday and go to sturgis...for my dad "big AL"

Bless "big Al". I can picture his funeral, the bikers in procession, the revving of Harleys, so beautiful. The friendship and comradery shared. I am so very sorry you lost your father. It's part of who you are, the understanding man that you are today. Thank you for going on because you have to. We all need each other, you know. Those that love you, family and friends. I hope these tough times will pass soon, Lord knows you do not deserve them but it will make you stronger. I pray for happiness for you.
And ride with his brothers, your father will be smiling on you all.

pandora

StillHere wrote:

so moving
i am crying now, both with sadness
and with the beauty of your words
thank you for sharing

when i came to the part

"Tiny newborn cousins are rocked next to Grandma laid in her coffin for final respects.
Another room holds many smiling pictures of a life past and TV plays videos of happy times.
Sign the book, take the announcement, try to read it but its too sad,
"Miss me but not for long"

the tears began to flow freely and haven't stopped yet.

I am so sorry for your loss

Your writing expresses your feelings gorgeously

Thank you for sharing your kind words and sharing in my sorrow. It is this sharing that is the good that comes out of tragedy. We are blessed to have each other. We are so blessed to be alive. Enjoy your day and thank you for your poems, they touch hearts and arouse thought.

chadwick

thank you.
hang in there.
and beautiful.

pandora

chadwick wrote:

thank you.
hang in there.
and beautiful.

thanks Chadwick, you are always so kind to me, friend.

chadwick

pandora wrote:

chadwick wrote:

thank you.
hang in there.
and beautiful.

thanks Chadwick, you are always so kind to me, friend.

it is easy to be kind to you.

pandora

chadwick wrote:

pandora wrote:

chadwick wrote:

thank you.
hang in there.
and beautiful.

thanks Chadwick, you are always so kind to me, friend.

it is easy to be kind to you.

supersonicyears

That was beautiful. Sorry for your loss.

pandora

TheBeach wrote:

That was beautiful. Sorry for your loss.

thank you for your support, I feel a kinship to you

justam

Pandora, I tend to feel awkward about giving comfort in these types of situations. What honest comment can a person make about death?

A pat on the back and "Oh, it'll be all right" seems foolish and to wallow with the person "Oh, how will the family go on?!" seems unhelpful.

I liked what you wrote though. It was visually descriptive and it projected some feelings. :geek:

I guess I feel a hug and some crying is the best response. {{{Pandora}}}

pandora

justam wrote:

Pandora, I tend to feel awkward about giving comfort in these types of situations. What honest comment can a person make about death?

A pat on the back and "Oh, it'll be all right" seems foolish and to wallow with the person "Oh, how will the family go on?!" seems unhelpful.

I liked what you wrote though. It was visually descriptive and it projected some feelings. :geek:

I guess I feel a hug and some crying is the best response. {{{Pandora}}}

Oh thank you and as usual you are so very right. I never have words at funerals, they never seem good enough.
A hug for the words we can not find and tears for the words we do.
Thanks for the hugs, means so very much to me. And when PJ plays the south the celebration is on!

the wolf

I'm sorry Pandi.

I am for once at a loss for words,...


you are in my thoughts my friend.

mikalina

I'm so sorry for your loss. This is truly tragic and I'm sure you were left wondering why. Life is truly short and precious and we all try to do our best - thats all we can hope for.

Take comfort in your wonderful husband, you both will help each other get through this. My thoughts are with you always.

runaway

blenderman69 wrote:

i cry for you pandi,my friend...and i rejoice for you too...you made me reflect,i'm going through the hardest time in my life that i've had in 14 years. i want to give up all the time.but i can't so on i go ..rember i told you my dad died in a motercycle accident...he was in a club. his colors went in the ground with him.in the funeral procession we had at least 200 of his brothers riding infont,behind and next to our limo.at the funeral as his coffin was lowerd in the ground they gave him a 200 bike salute all revving they're harleys at the same time....i've never heard anything so loud or beautifull in my life....his colors are in my closet.i can ride with his brothers anytime i want(in his place)i may do it someday and go to sturgis...for my dad "big AL"

You'r cool do you know that? I am sorry for your loss, I'm glad you found a place to release, that is what I do hear I have energies that were never wanted....has anyone heard of a chick on her .

pandora

the wolf wrote:

I'm sorry Pandi.

I am for once at a loss for words,...


you are in my thoughts my friend.

Your friendship is all that is ever needed for me I cherish it, thank you

pandora

mikalina wrote:

I'm so sorry for your loss. This is truly tragic and I'm sure you were left wondering why. Life is truly short and precious and we all try to do our best - thats all we can hope for.

Take comfort in your wonderful husband, you both will help each other get through this. My thoughts are with you always.

Dear sweet mikaklina, one think I can always count on is your heart aches with ours. Thank you for always being there for me true friend.

pandora

runaway wrote:

blenderman69 wrote:

i cry for you pandi,my friend...and i rejoice for you too...you made me reflect,i'm going through the hardest time in my life that i've had in 14 years. i want to give up all the time.but i can't so on i go ..rember i told you my dad died in a motercycle accident...he was in a club. his colors went in the ground with him.in the funeral procession we had at least 200 of his brothers riding infont,behind and next to our limo.at the funeral as his coffin was lowerd in the ground they gave him a 200 bike salute all revving they're harleys at the same time....i've never heard anything so loud or beautifull in my life....his colors are in my closet.i can ride with his brothers anytime i want(in his place)i may do it someday and go to sturgis...for my dad "big AL"

You'r cool do you know that? I am sorry for your loss, I'm glad you found a place to release, that is what I do hear I have energies that were never wanted....has anyone heard of a chick on her .

I agree blenderman69 is way cool! The coolest!!
I too am happy to be here and my writing of late has not only been a release but really one of reflection of my life. My hope is to touch hearts and unite them and selfishly I take a fulfillment from that which is hard to express.
At this time in my life, being a generation older than some here and at least 15 -20 years older than most, my head is really in a different place. Pearl Jam has been a huge part of my life and it feels right to be here as I near the end of it.
So thank you for caring and sharing with me. The friendships I have made I truly value, perhaps I will be fortunate enough to meet some of you still. If not I will know you when we meet on our journey from here to there.
We will be the ones with a Pearl Jam song in our hearts and we will all.....
"wave to all my friends" :wave:

blenderman69

runaway wrote:

blenderman69 wrote:

i cry for you pandi,my friend...and i rejoice for you too...you made me reflect,i'm going through the hardest time in my life that i've had in 14 years. i want to give up all the time.but i can't so on i go ..rember i told you my dad died in a motercycle accident...he was in a club. his colors went in the ground with him.in the funeral procession we had at least 200 of his brothers riding infont,behind and next to our limo.at the funeral as his coffin was lowerd in the ground they gave him a 200 bike salute all revving they're harleys at the same time....i've never heard anything so loud or beautifull in my life....his colors are in my closet.i can ride with his brothers anytime i want(in his place)i may do it someday and go to sturgis...for my dad "big AL"

You'r cool do you know that? I am sorry for your loss, I'm glad you found a place to release, that is what I do hear I have energies that were never wanted....has anyone heard of a chick on her .

thanks

eyedclaar

How did I miss this one? Great, heavy thoughts, Pandi. In the darkest recesses of my mind lives a paralyzing fear. I am not afraid of my own death. I am not afraid of physical pain. However, the thought my wife could be taken from me is something I try not to think about because it is something I could not bear. She is my only friend, the only person on this earth that truly understands me. Waffle, please don't take this woman from me anytime soon...

Nice work.