Remarriage and kids

OffHeGoes29

I've noticed that when people get remarried that they tend to want to forget about their past (rightly so), and if they have kids, they tend to be apart of that past. So in some way, I think they tend to focus less on their kids from the previous marriage and wrap themselves up in the new one. I think it’s kind of shitty that people do that, the kids suffer for it in the long run.

Anyone have the same observations? I've noticed this with some of my friends and family with their second marriage and how their kids tend to get left behind if they aren't on board with the new marriage.

dasvidana

I think many people do distance themselves from children from a previous marriage, maybe because the children remind the person of their ex. Who knows, but I think it is one of the lasting tragedies of divorce, at least for the children involved.

tinkerbell

I think only crappy parents do that! Coming from a broken home myself I feel very lucky to have had such awesome relationships with both my mum and dad, and also my stepdad and stepmum.

Unfortunately I see this a lot though. Being a parent myself now I can't imagine how someone can distance themself from their child/ren.

Children should never be used as a bargining tool or as revenge over the ex. Parents need to just grow up and get over it. As soon as you have a child with someone you are stuck with that person for the rest of your life. As long as the person is a good parent then shove your feelings aside and get on with being the best parents you can. [end rant]

justam

OffHeGoes29 wrote:

I've noticed that when people get remarried that they tend to want to forget about their past (rightly so), and if they have kids, they tend to be apart of that past. So in some way, I think they tend to focus less on their kids from the previous marriage and wrap themselves up in the new one. I think it’s kind of shitty that people do that, the kids suffer for it in the long run.

Anyone have the same observations? I've noticed this with some of my friends and family with their second marriage and how their kids tend to get left behind if they aren't on board with the new marriage.

I've had the same observations. That's one reason I think people should try their best to work out their problems. The children are the ones that suffer. They are like small bottles that all the pain and broken promises go into.

I've taught children for years and I can tell within a few weeks if they live with a step parent instead of their actual two parents. No one even has to say it because their ripped heart and self-image is so apparent.

Not to sound too emotional or anything but it's THAT obvious.

Paul Andrews

As a step father and father and obviously married to the mother of both children, and also in fairly regular contact with my step son's real father, I have never seen this in our family. And would never allow it. neither would he. The fact my wife's past relationship did not work out is not the fault of the child. Adults and more specifically parents should be above this kind of shit.

My stepson is treated the same as his sister (maybe better - he got to go to MSG2, she didn't - mind you she is only four) by me and by his mother. His real father who lives about 150 miles away has him every school holiday and also treates him the same as he does his other children and a step son he has. Sure there are bumps from time to time, but no more than you'd expect in any family, mixed or otherwise. And anyway, what is a traditional family these days anyway?

I think it is totally shitty if things like the OP described happen and there is no excuse for it at all. You bring a child into the world and they're your flesh and blood. You join a family that already has a child/children and you need to treat them as if they are your flesh and blood - or the nearest the relationship can be to such. Love is big enough and open enough to allow for all who need and deserve it and if there were more love going around, the world would be in a far better place. It starts at home.

The previous poster said he could tell a step son from a real son, well I must be doing a pretty good job, because until we correct them - people don't pick us. In fact, sometimes it has been a number of years before they've heard me refer to him as my stepson or we've corrected someone that the penny has dropped. He doesn't call me dad, but I act as thought I am. I've coached his sporting teams for years, taught him to ride a bike, helped him when needed and am now indoctrinating him in the world of Pearl Jam.

I'd hate for my stepson to ever stand in front of thousands of people and dedicate a song to me by saying.."this is for the arsehole who married my mother".


The three of us before PJ Perth 2009

justam

I think it's subtle. I believe it has to do with how children look at the world.

For instance, they must notice that the parents no longer love each other. Therefore, they could jump to the idea that each parent must not like things in THEM that are inherited from, and seem similar to, the disliked parent.

Even if no one says a word, there's that unspoken message to the kid. I think that's where the ripped self-image comes from. The kid can't love the parts of himself that came from mom because Dad hates mom. The kid can't love the parts of himself that came from Dad because mom hates dad.

Paul Andrews

justam wrote:

I think it's subtle. I believe it has to do with how children look at the world.

For instance, they must notice that the parents no longer love each other. Therefore, they could jump to the idea that each parent must not like things in THEM that are inherited from, and seem similar to, the disliked parent.

Even if no one says a word, there's that unspoken message to the kid. I think that's where the ripped self-image comes from. The kid can't love the parts of himself that came from mom because Dad hates mom. The kid can't love the parts of himself that came from Dad because mom hates dad.

I think you're reading too much into this... and yes I did study child psychology and work in student services for almost ten years. The child's image of self is not defined by what parts are from mum and what parts are from dad. If the parents overtly point to things like - you're selfish just like your stinking father.. then yes, I'd agree to the above. But a parent who just accepts the child as an invidivual being, not a product of certain genetics will raise a balanced child all other things being equal. Their ego and self image will come form the same balance of nature v nurture as the rest of us. Love, acceptance, guideance from both parents, step parents, peers and their environment is what will help shape them.

justam

Well, it's just my opinion and I know that for many people it's easier to take divorce lightly and think that everything is okay about it but I take it seriously. If it helps you to cite your education that's fine. If we have to do that to have valid opinions, I can say I minored in psych. Does it matter?

A lot of kids from my generation had parents who married and divorced more than once and even as adults people are still trying to recover. I think it is like trying to clean up an emotional debris field.

But, once again, that's just my opinion.

Paul Andrews

justam wrote:

Well, it's just my opinion and I know that for many people it's easier to take divorce lightly and think that everything is okay about it but I take it seriously. If it helps you to site your education that's fine. If we have to do that to have valid opinions, I can say I minored in psych. Does it matter?

A lot of kids from my generation had parents who married and divorced more than once and even as adults people are still trying to recover. I think it is like trying to clean up an emotional debris field.

But, once again, that's just my opinion.

I'm not trying to shoot you down at all...

I think the parent effect is massive. The number of kids I have worked with with massive issues due to poor parenting is a disgrace. But I saw these thigns in both traditional nuclear families and in mixed families. It comes down to the relationships and bonds that significant adults make with children and the role modelling that comes from these relationships.

It's really sad when a super violent 15 year old girl has learnt that behaviour from her mum who would rather party and fight (physically) he way out of any/every issue she faced. Her speed freak father was just as bad and when the girl was suspended from school for beating the shit out of a defenceless 13 year old their opinion was that the 13 year old had it coming because they didn't like her parents for god knows what reason. I think in this case almost any step parent or foster family would have been a better situation.

The hurt and emotional upheaval caused when a biological parent is a bad parent can be even worse than an absent step parent. The self doubt caused by the 'why doesn't he love me' questions are probably worse than the 'mum married an arsehole' statements. Again, it all comes down to the quality of the parenting.

While you can raise a child without a mum or a dad, it doesn't mean it is a good thing to do. Yet some single parents make wonderful parents and raise well adjusted and happy children. As I said in my first piece, it comes down to the love and compassion of the family, whatever the make up and the maturity of the parents.

Sure, a family where mum and dad are together and the kids are raised by biological parents is the best option. But I don't think it has to be a long second place to a family where a step parent is involved in the raising of the children, so long as the step parent is committed and takes their responsibilities as I have stated above.

I just don't think it is an all or none thing

Paul Andrews

And about education, I'd say 90% of what I studied was shit, written by people trying to justify their place in academia and sell books rather than having any real indepth insight into the human form. I learnt more working with kids (I worked in the tough schools and with the toughest kids in those schools) than I learnt in university or from psychology books. In fact, such was my experience that I find myself often questioning the value of psychology at all - especially when I see how some people apply it. For SOME it was a very easy gig of sitting around billing for series of councelling sessions that went nowhere and left the person no closer to being able to function in this world than they were when they started - but the 'psych' billed for lots of hours.

I apologise to all the good psychs out there - I've worked with some great people too, especially those using Focus Brief Therapy, CBT.

justam

Well, I have to say that this exchange has made me think about the fact that even this opinion I have is totally shaped by the damage I've experienced and seen as well.

I'm angry that I am so rigid about this because I suffered from my mom's divorces. It's clear to me that I'd be much less rigid about it if I'd come from a happier background.

How I would LOVE to be so inexperienced that I could be oblivious. (!!)

Thanks for that. Seriously.

Paul Andrews

Hey. As Eddie wrote

When he was six he believed that the moon overhead followed him
By nine he had deciphered the illusion, trading magic for fact
No trade-backs...
So this is what it's like to be an adult
If he only knew now what he knew then...

Life is a series of learning events and if we can learn from them, take keep what makes us better, drop what holds us back (but make sure we understand it and why), then we can reach true nirvana - or at least live in a place where we face the world with a true value of self and give our best to all we meet.

Sometimes I feel it would be so much better if we all still believed in the magic...

...Lying sideways atop crumpled sheets and no covers
He decides to dream...
Dream up a new self... for himself

justam

Thanks Paul Andrews.

Dissidentman

justam wrote:

Thanks Paul Andrews.

Add me to this list.

Thanks Paul.

Rabbitrocks

Loved reading your posts Paul Andrews!
I have step-sons and you've given me a lot to think about...

OffHeGoes29

From my personal experience and talking with my friends that have gone through similar situation, it seems that when some people remarry, they embrace their new marriage as a new beginning and want to forget the past. In some cases want their kids to forget the past and be apart of their new marriage, and in a sence, forget their other parent an choose a side. Instead of the parent understanding that the kid(s) are still apart of their past they can't leave behind, they give them "you're with me or not" type of ultimatum, and if the kids aren't on board, then the parents might have little to do with them, even more so when the child is now an adult.

I guess when you've spent 20 years of being put in the middle and asked to choose a side when you're a kid, by the time you're an adult, you're sick of it and tell your parents that you're tired of chasing both parents for acceptance, and that they need to come to you for a change. But your parents don't see it that way, they want you to make the effort to embrace their newer life.

Any relationship is about equal effort, you can't put all the effort into something and chase after someone, and you can't leave apart of yourself behind to be accepted by someone.

Motown322

Paul Andrews wrote:

He doesn't call me dad, but I act as thought I am. I've coached his sporting teams for years, taught him to ride a bike, helped him when needed and am now indoctrinating him in the world of Pearl Jam.

The three of us before PJ Perth 2009

But you bought him a NY Yankees hat... :twisted: that's bad parenting right there!!! j/k Lemme put a Detroit Tigers hat in the mail to you.

On topic, though... I think this all comes down to the maturity level of the adults involved. A mature adult will be able to separate the child from the ex-spouse, and an immature one won't.

Paul Andrews

Motown322 wrote:

Paul Andrews wrote:

He doesn't call me dad, but I act as thought I am. I've coached his sporting teams for years, taught him to ride a bike, helped him when needed and am now indoctrinating him in the world of Pearl Jam.

The three of us before PJ Perth 2009

But you bought him a NY Yankees hat... :twisted: that's bad parenting right there!!! j/k Lemme put a Detroit Tigers hat in the mail to you.

On topic, though... I think this all comes down to the maturity level of the adults involved. A mature adult will be able to separate the child from the ex-spouse, and an immature one won't.

Hey, I spared him from attending a Yankee's game - am I forgiven?

And yeah, I agree 100% with your final comment - maturity, responsibility, empathy and compassion - it's a shame these traits are sadly lacking in the kind of people the OPs described.

tinkerbell

As I said in my earlier post I am one of the lucky one's. My parents (all four) never said a bad thing about each other and made sure that the communication lines were kept open. When I was a rebellious teen my mum and dad sat me down together a few times to "discuss" my actions.

In my mind I have 4 parents and I wouldn't change that for the world. The thought of my mum and dad together now is just weird. They were married for 18 years and have be divorced for 18.

I wish that my situation could be the norm. Too many of my friends from broken homes still struggle with their experiences and a lot have no clue what a healthy well adjusted relationship is.