Any of you divoriced?
Corey Lynn
Posts: 681
Hello friends. Just need a little help. My sister is going through a divorce. She was in a ten year relationship with a controlling, jealous, irrational man. He left this morning and is not coming back. She has 2 little boys (7 and 8).
Do you guys know of anything that may help her to realize how to start healing? She is really sad. Any advice that I can give her would be appreciated. I have never gone through what she is going through, and I know some of you have. She said today that she is not sure who she is anymore. If I get responses on here, I will show her this thread. Her name is Heather. She is 33. She is my best friend and I hate it that she is so hurt right now. I really feel that hearing what others that have gone through this have to say will help her. She feels very alone right now and I do not know what to say. Please write to her on here. Thank you.
Do you guys know of anything that may help her to realize how to start healing? She is really sad. Any advice that I can give her would be appreciated. I have never gone through what she is going through, and I know some of you have. She said today that she is not sure who she is anymore. If I get responses on here, I will show her this thread. Her name is Heather. She is 33. She is my best friend and I hate it that she is so hurt right now. I really feel that hearing what others that have gone through this have to say will help her. She feels very alone right now and I do not know what to say. Please write to her on here. Thank you.
If I knew where it was I would take you there. There's much more than this
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If he was really controlling, jealous and irrational she should know that in the long run this is the best path - even if it hurts right now. This isn't comforting; but she should know this'll be one of the most difficult things she ever has to endure. She'll need lots of love and support from you and others who love her. This experience will bring her closer to true friends and to her family and rekindle those relationships that inevitably suffer when you're married. Being single can be FUN... even if that is the last thing on her mind right now. This'll be a great experience to discover herSELF again, do something that she couldn't do before, learn something new, and develop new passions. In a couple of weeks or months she might even look back on this and start to realize how she is better off without him. It has been only 6 months and I'm not sad at all anymore. I've started kayaking, rock climbing, met new people, and rekindled relationships that had suffered during my marriage. I don't have to be around someone verbally abuses me and who doesn't love me - and pretend to love her. THIS TOO SHALL PASS. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJKythlXAIY
he's controling, jealous, and irrational.
ok.
that spells prick to me.
i am glad that she is alone and he is finally gone.
so basically he was abusive for ten years, yes/no?
"Hear me, my chiefs!
I am tired; my heart is
sick and sad. From where
the sun stands I will fight
no more forever."
Chief Joseph - Nez Perce
Chadwick-
Thank you Chadwick. I always look forward to hearing from you on here!
My sister and I grew up in a household that "stayed together for the kids". She was trying to do this...but, in the end realized that it is not the right path to take. She and the boys were suffering. Abusive people have a way of making people blame themselves and often make promises that they can change..and do for a short time. I feel that he was emotionally abusive for the whole 10 years. I do not blame her for trying to make it work. But, she knows now that it is not going to work and I believe that her sadness now is her mourning the last 10 years and fear of being alone. I am so glad that she will not have to be hurt so much anymore, and I am hopeful for her future.
If I knew where it was I would take you there. There's much more than this
it is very tough, the situation she is in.
she will make it through it.
she is lucky to have a sister like you.
abusive people are bullshit.
abusive men harming women is unacceptable.
and thank you for what you said about always looking forward to what i have to say.
"Hear me, my chiefs!
I am tired; my heart is
sick and sad. From where
the sun stands I will fight
no more forever."
Chief Joseph - Nez Perce
Things I learned:
I had no idea what it was like to live for myself. With kids that isn't 100% possible especially at their age, but I found that it was important to have alone time. Time when I was just with me and my thoughts.
I used to try not to burden people with my problems, figuring they had more important things to worry about. That idea couldn't have been farther from the truth...She needs to remember that everyone who loves her wants to help and is looking forward to get the chance.
Who my friends were.
Who my friends weren't.
Being in a relationship that is consistently a one way street is exhausting.
Being in a relationship with someone who genuinely cares for you is the most unbelieveable feeling in the world, but it is horribly uncomfortable for the first few months.
It is the worst thing to hear in the middle of it, but time really does heal better than anything else.
and the most important thing I learned is that Therapy is only effective if you want it to be. I suggest getting into a few sessions. It actually saved my life.
I hope any of that helps, but make sure she knows her family loves her and through everything they will always be there.
It is terrifying when you are too stupid to know who is dumb
- Joe Rogan
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and marriage was the worst...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kEjVnkk9 ... grec_index
well, in the last 13 weeks anyway.
"Hear me, my chiefs!
I am tired; my heart is
sick and sad. From where
the sun stands I will fight
no more forever."
Chief Joseph - Nez Perce
Ed has a great listen here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nebaO8m3-LY
The hardest thing is the loneliness...not only that but the routine you get into, just having someone there. I know she'll get to the point where she might think its too hard with the kids and it would just be easier to have him back..DON"T DO IT!
Time passes, hearts heal, kids grown up, friends come and go...the best thing she can do now is to make sure her kids have everything they need to cope with this and to grow up healthy, happy and sound. They'll thank her for it in the long run. Another thing I've learned....don't badmouth the ex in front of the kids..ever....no matter how hard it might be to bite your tongue..its damaging to them. They learn not to trust. Make sure the kids know its not, was never their fault. Kids are funny that way, they might now show it, but they silently think if only I had or had not done this or that, Mom and Dad...and so on, you get the gist.
Just suggestions from, if not my own experiences, then those of close friends.
Another thing to remember...don't shut out your friends.
Sure...if you're like most, some friends will go his way and some yours....and it might be difficult to deal with people right about now...but tell your friends if you need to that you need some time to yourself...but don't make it forever. You are going to feel better at some point, and friends help you with that. You will know which ones are right for you at which time. Don't let them go by the wayside...true friends will always be there for you.
Don't go rebounding...enough said there. Just don't ...everyone gets hurt.
Enough of the Don't s
DO....talk about your feelings to friends, family, anyone you trust
DO....take a walk to release the pressure
DO...have Mom or sister come watch the kids once a week or once every 2 weeks and treat yourself to a movie (with a girlfriend OR yes, its ok to go alone)
DO..take the kids on outings
DO....allow yourself to feel, cry, hate, stomp, rage, let it all out.....its all healing
DO...LAUGH out loud
DO....know that you are worthy
DO...learn to remember the good times (not so much that you take the guy back, but try to find some good, after all, you married the guy for a reason, right?)
DO...take care of yourself..pamper yourself ...get your hair done, a manicure, or just luxuriate in a warm bubble bath with your favorite (PJ we hope) music to relax by....you can find the time
DO..FIND TIME
DO...take a class at your local community college or community center...paint, draw, dance, whatever, just do it
DO...write a journal....poetry, prose, words, stories, slams, whatever, just get it out and onto that paper
DO...free your mind, free your soul
DO...learn how to relax ...yes, some of us.....need to LEARN how..so if you can't relax...learn..read...go to yoga, or some other relaxation technique...it's worth it...breathe deeply
DO...love yourself
DO...love your kids
DO...have that ice cream sundae that you've wanted for so long....just one...heheee
Remember what Ed says: If you hate something, don't you do it too...
Right, its so easy to fall into the trap of giving back what you get from your ex...but remember those words and you'll sail through on the high road and be better for it in the end.
Be Sound.
Peace,
jo
jo
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"How I choose to feel is how I am." ~ EV/MMc
"Some people hear their own inner voices with great clearness and they live by what they hear. Such people become crazy, or they become legends." ~ One Stab ~
You came up with that yourself?