Distributing people's things when they die

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When someone in your family dies, what do you do about their things? How do you decide what to keep and what to sell or give to Goodwill? Of the things you keep, how do you decide who gets what?

RZ27566

that's a subject that requires a lot of thought, let me say this about the matter what ever happens don't let material items come between people, that fact that two people arguing about anything that belonged the departed is terrible. if you give an item to one person know matter what it is, someone will get pissed. my mother argued repeatly with my aunt over a desk long after my grandmothers death, I did the same with an old gibson from my uncle. then one day i realized what if it were I who had passed do I really want my kids fighting over senseless bullshit no i don't. So who ever you decide to give what to whom ever here both sides of their story and if the two begin to fight tell them you will give it to charity. hope it helps

CantKeepMeHere

Always messy and never fun - just go into being the best person you can possibly be

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RZ27566 wrote:

that's a subject that requires a lot of thought, let me say this about the matter what ever happens don't let material items come between people, that fact that two people arguing about anything that belonged the departed is terrible. if you give an item to one person know matter what it is, someone will get pissed. my mother argued repeatly with my aunt over a desk long after my grandmothers death, I did the same with an old gibson from my uncle. then one day i realized what if it were I who had passed do I really want my kids fighting over senseless bullshit no i don't. So who ever you decide to give what to whom ever here both sides of their story and if the two begin to fight tell them you will give it to charity. hope it helps

Yes, I agree with this. I'm not the one who has authority to decide who gets what though.... no one really is. So we're trying to figure out a fair distribution system so it doesn't cause problems. Also, what makes it particularly hard is that we're spread out all over the country, except two men - my uncle and grandfather - who live there. My uncle lives in the same house, so ultimately he has the power... but he doesn't want the power. Also, since he moved back into the house he's going to want to get rid of the stuff that he can't use and that's not important. But his idea of important is very different than some of ours. And my grandfather doesn't think much of anything is important and just wants to clean out the house and take everything to Goodwill. This stuff is so complicated. :?

pejamofacl

don't sell anything ! just try to keep maximum stuff for the family , and call up his/her best friends and tell them to take anything they want in memory of the person !

Claireack

When my mother in law died, when we arrived at the house to sort stuff out it was like a flock of vultures had already been there picking away at everything. It was horrible.

Get_Right

I just went through this when my mom passed in Feb.
First I assume you are taking about personal property not specifically mentioned in a will.
1. the person in charge of distribution should compile an inventory for distribution purposes
2. then he/she should ask people to submit a request for items in writing/email.
3. If there are conflicts, then it is simply up to that person to make a decision.
4. For disputed valuable items-you may need to ask the probate court to issue a decree

MY brother and I had no problem splitting up our mom's stuff without to much dispute
the hard part is when you have to throw away things that mean little to you but you knew were important to the deceased

EDIT: oh yeah, the first thing I did was change the locks on my mothers house.
Still a signed 1st edition of slaughterhouse five is missing (we think it might have been stolen at the reception if you can believe that).

Get_Right

RZ27566 wrote:

don't let material items come between people, that fact that two people arguing about anything that belonged the departed is terrible.

one day i realized what if it were I who had passed do I really want my kids fighting over senseless bullshit no i don't.

if the two begin to fight tell them you will give it to charity.

well said
x3

mickeyrat

scb wrote:

RZ27566 wrote:

that's a subject that requires a lot of thought, let me say this about the matter what ever happens don't let material items come between people, that fact that two people arguing about anything that belonged the departed is terrible. if you give an item to one person know matter what it is, someone will get pissed. my mother argued repeatly with my aunt over a desk long after my grandmothers death, I did the same with an old gibson from my uncle. then one day i realized what if it were I who had passed do I really want my kids fighting over senseless bullshit no i don't. So who ever you decide to give what to whom ever here both sides of their story and if the two begin to fight tell them you will give it to charity. hope it helps

Yes, I agree with this. I'm not the one who has authority to decide who gets what though.... no one really is. So we're trying to figure out a fair distribution system so it doesn't cause problems. Also, what makes it particularly hard is that we're spread out all over the country, except two men - my uncle and grandfather - who live there. My uncle lives in the same house, so ultimately he has the power... but he doesn't want the power. Also, since he moved back into the house he's going to want to get rid of the stuff that he can't use and that's not important. But his idea of important is very different than some of ours. And my grandfather doesn't think much of anything is important and just wants to clean out the house and take everything to Goodwill. This stuff is so complicated. :?

guessing your grandmother passed? If so , sorry to hear that to start, but your grandfather has the natural authority here. I work for a Goodwill type org, and we often have items donated from the same situation. Usually the "special" things have already been distributed. And we would accept he rest , typically clothes , furniture, knick knacks, etc. I would hope that every one gets a chance to have one or two items that are important or speak to them of the one who passed. Difficult time and sometimes made more difficult by in-fighting over "stuff". Good luck.

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pejamofacl wrote:

don't sell anything ! just try to keep maximum stuff for the family , and call up his/her best friends and tell them to take anything they want in memory of the person !

She was 95. All of her best friends died long ago.

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Get_Right wrote:

I just went through this when my mom passed in Feb.
First I assume you are taking about personal property not specifically mentioned in a will.
1. the person in charge of distribution should compile an inventory for distribution purposes
2. then he/she should ask people to submit a request for items in writing/email.
3. If there are conflicts, then it is simply up to that person to make a decision.
4. For disputed valuable items-you may need to ask the probate court to issue a decree

MY brother and I had no problem splitting up our mom's stuff without to much dispute
the hard part is when you have to throw away things that mean little to you but you knew were important to the deceased

EDIT: oh yeah, the first thing I did was change the locks on my mothers house.
Still a signed 1st edition of slaughterhouse five is missing (we think it might have been stolen at the reception if you can believe that).

I'm so sorry you lost your mother. :(

Good advice. I really like the idea of getting the bigger picture of who wants what before distributing anything. It seems like that's the only way to be fair and to make sure no one gets left out. It's kind of hard because we're not there, so there are things we wouldn't think to say we want until we see it, ya know? When my grandmother died, we were all there together (except two people, but we showed them stuff through a web cam) and there was a person (my grandfather) who was ultimately in charge of distribution. There's not really such a person in this case.

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mickeyrat wrote:

guessing your grandmother passed? If so , sorry to hear that to start, but your grandfather has the natural authority here. I work for a Goodwill type org, and we often have items donated from the same situation. Usually the "special" things have already been distributed. And we would accept he rest , typically clothes , furniture, knick knacks, etc. I would hope that every one gets a chance to have one or two items that are important or speak to them of the one who passed. Difficult time and sometimes made more difficult by in-fighting over "stuff". Good luck.

Thank you.

It's a little more complicated than my grandfather having the natural authority. See, it was my GREAT-grandmother who passed, so my grandfather is her son-in-law, not her husband. Her husband, her only child (my grandmother), all her siblings and siblings-in-law, and all her friends have already passed. She is survived only by her son-in-law (my grandfather), her 3 grandsons (and 2 granddaughters-in-law), and her 6 great-grandchildren (and 2 great-grandchildren-in-law). My grandfather and uncle (and their wives) are the only ones who live in the same town (or state - AR) she lived in. My father, me, and my sister live in NM. My brother lives in DC. One of my uncles and his family live in TX (his kids are young and still live at home). My other uncle moved in with her 23 years ago, when my great-grandfather died, so he could care for her. We really see him as the beneficiary of most everything.

But now that he and his wife have moved back into my great-grandmother's house, they're not going to want to keep everything; they need to make room for their stuff and fix the place up like they want it. So the two problems are: 1. We don't want him to get rid of stuff that he might not realize we value - and we're not there to go through everything to tell him what to save. We're also worried because if my grandfather has his way, they'll just take most everything to Goodwill. Thankfully my uncle is more in charge, but I don't think he wants that responsibility. 2. Of the stuff he doesn't give away but doesn't necessarily want to keep, we'll have to figure out how to fairly divide it up between us. We know this will be hard, and it's even harder since we're not all there together to go through it and decide as a group who gets what. Also, there's still much of my great-grandfather's stuff to distribute, since my great-grandmother had saved it. I know my uncle doesn't want us to look to him to decide who gets what. And I know there are things that more than one of us want.

It's hard not to get emotional about it - not because we're materialistic, but just because this stuff is now all we have left of our beloved great-grandmother, ya know? And, man, you should see all the wonderful things she has saved! She has thousands of slides & photos and probably a hundred scrapbooks and albums. Most of that stuff we're hoping to reproduce electronically so everyone can have copies. She has quilts that were made my HER grandmother, in the 1800's. She has letters that my great-grandfather's brother wrote to him in the days after liberating concentration camps during WWII, where he described everything he saw in detail. She has extensive, hand-written books of our ancestry. She has paintings and drawings that were done by her. My grandmother was a pianist, and she (my great-grandmother) has recordings of her recitals, since she was 3 years old. She has all kinds of clothes that she made, and even clothes that her mother made. And then there's the crystal, the china, the wedding rings, etc. There's furniture that my uncle probably doesn't want to keep and that none of us have room for, but that we have grown up with for our entire lives and would hate to see it just go to some random person. There's the biscuit cutter, which is really just an old tin can, but which she used to make home-made buttermilk biscuits for every single meal that she cooked for us for 30 years. There's the little bell that my sister and I (the oldest great-grandkids) used to fight over getting to ring to announce dinner. There's my great-grandfather's pipes, which ultimately killed him, but which he used to light and let us take turns blowing out the match.

Ah... I don't know. I'm sorry to ramble. I wish we could just keep everything exactly as it was, her included.

Get_Right

scb wrote:

I'm so sorry you lost your mother. :(

Good advice. I really like the idea of getting the bigger picture of who wants what before distributing anything. It seems like that's the only way to be fair and to make sure no one gets left out. It's kind of hard because we're not there, so there are things we wouldn't think to say we want until we see it, ya know? When my grandmother died, we were all there together (except two people, but we showed them stuff through a web cam) and there was a person (my grandfather) who was ultimately in charge of distribution. There's not really such a person in this case.

Thanks for the kind words. I am also sorry for your loss. Someone must be taking the lead-the executor of the estate, or if there was no will the petitioner. If not it will just be a free for all and it will linger on for a long period of time. Its takes time to dismantle a person's life.
And yes I know exactly what you mean about not being there to identify stuff you might want.
Thats what an inventory makes sense. Compile the list, circulate, and divy up the goods.
Good luck.

blondieblue227

my grandma gave stuff to people for years when she got up in age. it was sad when she did it but i understood why.
she would almost bug you to the point were it was annoying but hey that's my grandma for ya.

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blondieblue227 wrote:

my grandma gave stuff to people for years when she got up in age. it was sad when she did it but i understood why.
she would almost bug you to the point were it was annoying but hey that's my grandma for ya.

Yeah, my great-grandmother tried to give some stuff away while she was alive. It was always confusing/complicated because we respected her right to give her own things away but also didn't want anyone else to feel left out. Sometimes we accepted things and sometimes we didn't. She once insisted that I take her silver. She went and got it and put a piece of masking tape on it and wrote and inscription to me and wouldn't let it go until I took it, so I did. I felt like it was what she wanted and it would make her happy, and I didn't want to upset her by refusing it. But now my sister tells me that she once tried to give it to her and she wouldn't take it, so that makes me feel/seem like an ass. I don't know. I think she should have just given one thing to each person every time they came to visit her. That way she might get more visits and the people who did visit would be rewarded. Of course, I probably think that because I'm the one who visited her the most.

blondieblue227

scb wrote:

[ I think she should have just given one thing to each person every time they came to visit her. That way she might get more visits and the people who did visit would be rewarded. Of course, I probably think that because I'm the one who visited her the most.

hehehe.
good boy.......going to see her.

it's definitely awkward....here take this i going to die.

i once told my grandma i liked her corduroy jacket. she took it off right then and there and gave it to me. gesh!

is that her in your pic?

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blondieblue227 wrote:

scb wrote:

[ I think she should have just given one thing to each person every time they came to visit her. That way she might get more visits and the people who did visit would be rewarded. Of course, I probably think that because I'm the one who visited her the most.

hehehe.
good boy.......going to see her.

it's definitely awkward....here take this i going to die.

i once told my grandma i liked her corduroy jacket. she took it off right then and there and gave it to me. gesh!

is that her in your pic?

It's her daughter, my grandmother, in the picture. I'm a good girl, by the way. Yeah, it's awkward for people to give you things in anticipation of death. But, then again, she was 95 years old. We're surprised she lasted as long as she did. There comes a point where everyone just has to admit that a person is old as dirt and can't last much longer, ya know? My great-grandmother used to always talk about how old she was. She'd say she was old and we'd say she wasn't. Finally, when she got to be around 90, I just started agreeing with her. I figured it was just straight up dishonest to say she wasn't old.

JaneNY

Even though its hard for you, it is also hard for the people who are in the house. Unless that person receives some sort of compensation for the effort of sorting things, and then mail them to those who want them? it may not be reasonable to expect him to be a caretaker for the multitude of things. I can tell you being an executor is a HELLISH job. I am the it for my father's estate. It is the worst thing I've EVER had to to do. If particular artifacts at the house are important to you, you probably need to find a way to go there and say so, and get them. I'm not sure its reasonable to expect anyone to hang on to something for you, that you say is important, but also say you don't have room for. Why not go down and assist your uncle in moving all the things you don't want him to get rid of, into some type of storage place?

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JaneNY wrote:

Even though its hard for you, it is also hard for the people who are in the house. Unless that person receives some sort of compensation for the effort of sorting things, and then mail them to those who want them? it may not be reasonable to expect him to be a caretaker for the multitude of things. I can tell you being an executor is a HELLISH job. I am the it for my father's estate. It is the worst thing I've EVER had to to do. If particular artifacts at the house are important to you, you probably need to find a way to go there and say so, and get them. I'm not sure its reasonable to expect anyone to hang on to something for you, that you say is important, but also say you don't have room for. Why not go down and assist your uncle in moving all the things you don't want him to get rid of, into some type of storage place?

I agree; it's not a position I would ever want to be in - and I know he doesn't either. I guess my primary purpose with this thread is to figure out a way we can work it out without him having to make any decisions about who gets what. It so much harder since we're all far away. I'm trying to devise a plan to get out there this summer to help out, but I still wouldn't want to take anything without everyone agreeing about who gets what. That's the main issue - that and just getting out there to get things. It's not really about not having room. Thankfully, I don't think there's really TOO much stuff for him to have to hold on to - or at least the things we want that he may not want are relatively small. I've asked repeatedly how I can help and he says he doesn't need any help. I would offer compensation but I think it would offend him. I'm assuming he's planning to keep the most valuable things - the photos, paintings, scrapbooks, etc. - in the house and we'll probably eventually have to deal with that when he dies... but he's only 50 so hopefully it will be awhile. I guess I just really need to figure out how to get out there this summer. Thanks for the advice. I'm really sorry you have to be the executor of your dad's estate, and especially that that means you lost your dad. :(

DinghyDog

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mickeyrat

scb wrote:

JaneNY wrote:

Even though its hard for you, it is also hard for the people who are in the house. Unless that person receives some sort of compensation for the effort of sorting things, and then mail them to those who want them? it may not be reasonable to expect him to be a caretaker for the multitude of things. I can tell you being an executor is a HELLISH job. I am the it for my father's estate. It is the worst thing I've EVER had to to do. If particular artifacts at the house are important to you, you probably need to find a way to go there and say so, and get them. I'm not sure its reasonable to expect anyone to hang on to something for you, that you say is important, but also say you don't have room for. Why not go down and assist your uncle in moving all the things you don't want him to get rid of, into some type of storage place?

I agree; it's not a position I would ever want to be in - and I know he doesn't either. I guess my primary purpose with this thread is to figure out a way we can work it out without him having to make any decisions about who gets what. It so much harder since we're all far away. I'm trying to devise a plan to get out there this summer to help out, but I still wouldn't want to take anything without everyone agreeing about who gets what. That's the main issue - that and just getting out there to get things. It's not really about not having room. Thankfully, I don't think there's really TOO much stuff for him to have to hold on to - or at least the things we want that he may not want are relatively small. I've asked repeatedly how I can help and he says he doesn't need any help. I would offer compensation but I think it would offend him. I'm assuming he's planning to keep the most valuable things - the photos, paintings, scrapbooks, etc. - in the house and we'll probably eventually have to deal with that when he dies... but he's only 50 so hopefully it will be awhile. I guess I just really need to figure out how to get out there this summer. Thanks for the advice. I'm really sorry you have to be the executor of your dad's estate, and especially that that means you lost your dad. :(

have you given him ideas on whats important to you? and spoken with th erest o fth edfam to see what they remeber and may be important to them? That would help things I'm sure. Like that storage idea too.

Get_Right

DinghyDog wrote:

dudes... seriously.. the will should dictate where everything goes. then there is nothing to be argued about.

wills aren't just for rich people.

best thing anyone could do when they think about death is to make a will even if it is for the simple stuff.

wills do not always include specific bequests for personal property-such as everyday items, furniture and other household articles-which what I think the OP is talking about-even if it does, the heir may not want all of the the items.

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mickeyrat wrote:

have you given him ideas on whats important to you? and spoken with th erest o fth edfam to see what they remeber and may be important to them? That would help things I'm sure. Like that storage idea too.

Yeah, we're working on it. I feel a little awkward about it because we feel like everything is his, so we don't want it to seem like we're trying to take his stuff, ya know?

I'm particularly sensitive about it because I was accused by my grandfather of doing this when my grandmother died. In reality, he & I have just never gotten along. Plus, he was cleaning out the house saying everything was going to Goodwill, so I asked about everything I thought was important for fear it would otherwise end up at Goodwill.

We should all probably just not be so sensitive.

_

Get_Right wrote:

DinghyDog wrote:

dudes... seriously.. the will should dictate where everything goes. then there is nothing to be argued about.

wills aren't just for rich people.

best thing anyone could do when they think about death is to make a will even if it is for the simple stuff.

wills do not always include specific bequests for personal property-such as everyday items, furniture and other household articles-which what I think the OP is talking about-even if it does, the heir may not want all of the the items.

Yeah, that's kind of our situation. She was quite prepared for her death - she had already put her house in her grandsons' names, written her own obituary, & picked out the lipstick she wanted to wear at her funeral - so I don't think she neglected to make a will. I think she just figured everything in the house would go to my uncle, sincehe had lived there & cared for her for 23 years, and we all totally agree with that decision. It's just that we know he doesn't want EVERYTHING.

blondieblue227

scb wrote:

It's her daughter, my grandmother, in the picture. I'm a good girl, by the way. Yeah, it's awkward for people to give you things in anticipation of death. But, then again, she was 95 years old. We're surprised she lasted as long as she did. There comes a point where everyone just has to admit that a person is old as dirt and can't last much longer, ya know? My great-grandmother used to always talk about how old she was. She'd say she was old and we'd say she wasn't. Finally, when she got to be around 90, I just started agreeing with her. I figured it was just straight up dishonest to say she wasn't old.

sorry. i used to get a little mad when people here would think i was a guy too. even with blondie in my name. come on. so i took a real girlie pic for the pit and it hasn't happened since.

90 is amazing.
i agree with everything you said. it's healthy to face facts. if you're old you're old. it may upset some love ones to hear you talk so frank but i think it's really healthy.
personally i don't want to live that long. maybe 80. the worlds too hard / i can't imagine the shit i've had seen by then. i'm in my 30's and i'm sick of the worlds shit already. lol

JaneNY

scb wrote:

Thanks for the advice. I'm really sorry you have to be the executor of your dad's estate, and especially that that means you lost your dad. :(

Thank you for that. It will be 3 years this memorial day.

What about if he was willing to put things in storage at the expense of the estate until you could get there? Then he wouldn't have to deal with space being taken up, but also the items could be preserved until you get there?

Thanks again for your kind words. I do still miss him.

_

blondieblue227 wrote:

sorry. i used to get a little mad when people here would think i was a guy too. even with blondie in my name. come on. so i took a real girlie pic for the pit and it hasn't happened since.

90 is amazing.
i agree with everything you said. it's healthy to face facts. if you're old you're old. it may upset some love ones to hear you talk so frank but i think it's really healthy.
personally i don't want to live that long. maybe 80. the worlds too hard / i can't imagine the shit i've had seen by then. i'm in my 30's and i'm sick of the worlds shit already. lol

No worries about thinking I'm a guy. There's really no way for you to know.

90 is amazing - and she was 95! I had a great-grandmother on the other side of my family who lived to be 97, so I'm thinking I just may live forever! I don't want to either. I agree that I'm sick of the world's shit. But if I do live to be that old, I sure don't want people to not admit that I'm old.

It's funny... I've taken a lot of videos of my great-grandmother, and last summer I had a new laptop with a webcam so I showed it to her and it was recording. She could see herself on the monitor and she said she looked old. So I looked at her and said, "Well you ARE old!" For her funeral, we made a video with pictures and some footage from the videos I had taken. Somehow that clip got put in there several times. So at the funeral there's this clip that played repeatedly of me telling her she's old. It was kind of embarrassing, but also kind of funny. I think people were a little shocked to hear me saying that to her - especially since it seemed like I said it over and over.

_

JaneNY wrote:

scb wrote:

Thanks for the advice. I'm really sorry you have to be the executor of your dad's estate, and especially that that means you lost your dad. :(

Thank you for that. It will be 3 years this memorial day.

What about if he was willing to put things in storage at the expense of the estate until you could get there? Then he wouldn't have to deal with space being taken up, but also the items could be preserved until you get there?

Thanks again for your kind words. I do still miss him.

I'm hoping he's not wanting to get rid of anything too big, so hopefully it won't take up too much room. Right now all we're asking him to save that he had planned to get rid of is boxes of clothes. (Much of her wardrobe was hand made by her or her mom - my great-great-grandmother!) It's a three bedroom house and he really only needs one bedroom, so if I can get out there this summer I'm hoping he can just store stuff in the spare room in the meantime.

Sian-of-the-dead

I think it depends on the family.
I have two brothers and we all decided to leave decisions like what happened to my Dad's stuff, when he passed away last year, to my Mum.
My Mum has decided to keep some stuff, give some to us and to sell the rest. She's retired and since my Dad passed, a large chunk of the income for the household has gone. I can understand that she wants to secure herself financially. Also I think my Dad would've preferred his stuff (some of which was very specialised engineering, gardening, cycling and musical equipment) to go to a good home where it'll be loved and used.

It's taking my Mum a long time to get through his stuff though. When she does knuckle down and sort stuff out she gets very emotional and becomes unsure of what to sell or not. I've reassured her that it can't happen overnight and whatever she decides is right but it'll never be easy :(

Eraserhead

Most of my dad's things went to the local charity shop, unless it had sentimental value, of course.

pandora

scb wrote:

When someone in your family dies, what do you do about their things? How do you decide what to keep and what to sell or give to Goodwill? Of the things you keep, how do you decide who gets what?

All I can say on this subject is it should be an affair of the heart, often isn't, but that is what the dearly departed would want. I am sure you have a big hearted, fair minded, wise person to help, someone that the family collectively trusts and admires.
Perhaps that could be you. An energetic, young, smart woman, articulate, feels strongly on subjects, not just thinks strongly. Loved dearly by her family. A neutral, innocent, family figure with know how. Perhaps a rummage sale and a donation in her name, then the splitting of sentimental things. The menfolk living in the home would appreciate this. Its hard to grow old and when you find you are you also find the young are greatly admired for just that, being young.
It may not be a task you want but perhaps one you are suited for. Talk it over with Mom, she'll know.