Friends scattered

Lauri

As I know very few people in this city (besides my family), people will often suggest I move again to another city. I consider this quite often, but then I realize- I pretty much have *one* friend in every major U.S. city! It doesn't matter where I live, I would always have just one person nearby. I grew up with parents who lived within a one-mile radius of friends they had since childhood and they all spent tons of time together. I feel like in modern society, we have so many more opportunities for where we live and work, which is a good thing on one hand, but really pulls people apart on the other. I really miss my friends, and I miss having a community of people to just hang out with. Even when you make new friends, either they move away or you move away...of course with modern technology it's easy to keep in touch with people, but I don't know for me it feels like something is missing. Thoughts?

justam

I have moved around a lot in my life. I have to make new friends every time we go. I've met a lot of great people this way. I occasionally go home to the city where I grew up. My best friend there never left. She is still the same person but she's had a much narrower life than me. She's still concerned with the same small annoyances she always was concerned with. It's interesting.

I think there are good and bad aspects to moving around a lot and meeting new people. There's comfort in staying in one place, but there's growth in changing location.

I think I want to stay where I am now though. I like it here and I don't want to have to start over ever again. In my experience it takes about 9 years to feel at home someplace.

_

I know what you mean about there being something missing. I've been thinking about it recently, with the illness and death of my great-grandmother, going back to our "home" to see her in the hospital and then again for her funeral, and being with scattered family during this time. My great-grandmother lived for her entire 95 years within a 50-mile radius of where she was born, in rural Arkansas. Most of her friends and family lived there their whole lives as well. My grandmother, father, and uncles - and I and my siblings - were born and/or raised there. But my family moved a little further away soon after my sister & I were born, and then much further away when we were in high school, and my uncle moved away before starting his family.

Technology is great to help our generation stay in touch, but not so good for staying in touch with the older folks who never learned to use the computer or are too hard of hearing to talk on the phone. Besides, it's just not the same. You aren't close enough to see each other on a regular, casual basis. (It's like being a tourist in your own town instead of being a "regular". When you go back, you're there for a finite purpose; you can never just be there.) You aren't nearby each other when one of you needs help or support. You can't be there for your family when they are dying in the hospital and you are a $900 plane ticket away with limited annual leave.

I went back to see my great-grandmother one last time when she was dying. I could only stay for three days. She was so happy to see me and my uncle and his children that she cried, which we had never seen her do. She thanked us repeatedly for coming and asked why the rest of our family (who couldn't take time off work) hadn't come. (I know it broke my dad's heart to not be able to go.) But we were only there for a finite visit; we couldn't just be with her. She asked us why we ever moved away from home to begin with and then asked, "Was it worth it?" In that moment I thought, No, it wasn't. And she begged us not to leave, but we had to go back "home" (whatever that means).

My whole immediate family, including my parents, now live in the Southwest, where we all moved to years ago. I want to travel and live elsewhere. I don't want to feel tied down. But, if/when my parents get old or sick someday, I don't think I could forgive myself if I wasn't close enough to care for them, ya know?

Aside from all of that, I think living in the same place forever gives you roots and a greater sense of community. My dad took us on a tour of the little town where he and his mother and her mother (my great-grandmother) grew up. There was so much history there - so much of my family history that I had never had the opportunity to experience. So many people who I didn't know came to my great-grandmother's funeral. They were distant relatives and her old friends. They told stories of growing up going to my great-grandparents' store or taking piano lessons from my grandmother or knowing my great-great-grandfather. The whole community has always remained so close. There's just such a sense of.... I don't know... history, community, culture. My dad and his mom and her mom all went to the same high school. My dad was thrilled to find regional foods he grew up with and has missed for so many years. I don't think you can have this sense of home (at least not to the same extent) when you move around a lot. And I think it's valuable.

Anyway, I guess I'm feeling nostalgic lately. It doesn't mean I don't think people should always stay in the same place. I've moved many times and there is value in that as well. I would not be the person I am today had I not experienced a wider variety of cultures. But I think there are things you sacrifice to gain the benefits of moving. And sometimes it's hard to know whether it's worth it.

HeavyHands

First off, I'm sorry for your loss. Grandparents are in a special class of family and losing them can open a deep sense of regret in a person. Regret that you didn't know them better by taking the time to ask them more questions when you were younger instead of being impatient and doing what youth does. Regret that the stories they told are now gone and won't be told with the same fondness and tone of voice or clarity of recollection.

scb wrote:

...I think living in the same place forever gives you roots and a greater sense of community. My dad took us on a tour of the little town where he and his mother and her mother (my great-grandmother) grew up. There was so much history there - so much of my family history that I had never had the opportunity to experience. So many people who I didn't know came to my great-grandmother's funeral. They were distant relatives and her old friends. They told stories of growing up going to my great-grandparents' store or taking piano lessons from my grandmother or knowing my great-great-grandfather. The whole community has always remained so close. There's just such a sense of.... I don't know... history, community, culture...

With regard to this, though, don't sell yourself short. Living in the same place also vastly limits what you can do and what you are capable of. In large cities there is very little demand for someone with the heart of an explorer, hunter, or farmer much as how in small towns there is very little demand for someone with the heart of an astronomer, philosopher, or stock broker.

Changing your surroundings allows you the opportunity to discover yourself and become greater for your experiences, be them good or bad. But then you know that...

scb wrote:

...It doesn't mean I don't think people should always stay in the same place. I've moved many times and there is value in that as well. I would not be the person I am today had I not experienced a wider variety of cultures.

scb wrote:

But I think there are things you sacrifice to gain the benefits of moving. And sometimes it's hard to know whether it's worth it.

With regard to this last quote, sacrifice is indeed the name of the game. But life has different demands and capabilities than it did in the era of our great-grand parents, and grandparents. I, for one, am of the belief that if they had grown up in our time they would live no differently than we do. They would take advantage of the same amenities we have and make the same mistakes we make. Some would have no desire to stay in the same place for the rest of their lives and some would be perfectly happy.

Ultimately a question to ask is: "Would you trade everything you have experienced in your life so that you could have lived closer to the ones you miss and had a stronger bond with them?" There are family members and friends I miss dearly. Things I wish I knew and experiences I wish I had enjoyed... But I wouldn't trade anything about who I am now or my unknown future for something in the past.

Once we become a little farther from the strong sense of immediate emotional loss when someone passes away, I think our perspective becomes more aligned with the big picture and we see how events influence and fit.

Nicely put, btw. I very much enjoyed reading your thoughts.

_

HeavyHands wrote:

First off, I'm sorry for your loss. Grandparents are in a special class of family and losing them can open a deep sense of regret in a person. Regret that you didn't know them better by taking the time to ask them more questions when you were younger instead of being impatient and doing what youth does. Regret that the stories they told are now gone and won't be told with the same fondness and tone of voice or clarity of recollection.

scb wrote:

...I think living in the same place forever gives you roots and a greater sense of community. My dad took us on a tour of the little town where he and his mother and her mother (my great-grandmother) grew up. There was so much history there - so much of my family history that I had never had the opportunity to experience. So many people who I didn't know came to my great-grandmother's funeral. They were distant relatives and her old friends. They told stories of growing up going to my great-grandparents' store or taking piano lessons from my grandmother or knowing my great-great-grandfather. The whole community has always remained so close. There's just such a sense of.... I don't know... history, community, culture...

With regard to this, though, don't sell yourself short. Living in the same place also vastly limits what you can do and what you are capable of. In large cities there is very little demand for someone with the heart of an explorer, hunter, or farmer much as how in small towns there is very little demand for someone with the heart of an astronomer, philosopher, or stock broker.

Changing your surroundings allows you the opportunity to discover yourself and become greater for your experiences, be them good or bad. But then you know that...

scb wrote:

...It doesn't mean I don't think people should always stay in the same place. I've moved many times and there is value in that as well. I would not be the person I am today had I not experienced a wider variety of cultures.

scb wrote:

But I think there are things you sacrifice to gain the benefits of moving. And sometimes it's hard to know whether it's worth it.

With regard to this last quote, sacrifice is indeed the name of the game. But life has different demands and capabilities than it did in the era of our great-grand parents, and grandparents. I, for one, am of the belief that if they had grown up in our time they would live no differently than we do. They would take advantage of the same amenities we have and make the same mistakes we make. Some would have no desire to stay in the same place for the rest of their lives and some would be perfectly happy.

Ultimately a question to ask is: "Would you trade everything you have experienced in your life so that you could have lived closer to the ones you miss and had a stronger bond with them?" There are family members and friends I miss dearly. Things I wish I knew and experiences I wish I had enjoyed... But I wouldn't trade anything about who I am now or my unknown future for something in the past.

Once we become a little farther from the strong sense of immediate emotional loss when someone passes away, I think our perspective becomes more aligned with the big picture and we see how events influence and fit.

Nicely put, btw. I very much enjoyed reading your thoughts.

Thank you for the kind and thoughtful reply. I think I really do understand the value of living in different places. I moved at age 14 from Memphis, TN, to the Navajo Indian Reservation in AZ, which vastly changed my entire world view - and of course I think I'm a better version of myself for the experience. I was just thinking more about what the OP said about something being missing. Although, I have always thought if I had kids I would want to raise them all over the world, but, as I get older, I feel more hesitant about that. (Not that I will even have kids or would have that opportunity anyway.) I would want them to be close to their grandparents and aunt and uncle (and I would probably need babysitting help, etc. from my family).

I agree with what you said about regret after the loss of a grandparent. I am eternally joyful, however, that I have fully cherished every opportunity I have had to spend with my great-grandmother. My mom taught me to cherish my time with her as a child, and as an adult I have gone to visit at every chance I got. (Guess now I'll have more time/money to finally see more than three Pearl Jam shows.) I've also taken countless hours of videos of her telling stories and me asking questions. (Just need to get them into better file formats.) But there is still that sense of, Don't go yet - what if there's something I forgot to ask!? Now the opportunity is gone forever. (I'm just not good at letting go. It's a personal problem. )

Back to the OP, the more I think about it, the more I think the ideal situation would be for us to all have the money and time to travel everywhere as much as we wanted. Then we could spend as much or little time in any place or with any people as we desired. We wouldn't really have to choose where to live. Ya know?

Lauri

scb wrote:

Back to the OP, the more I think about it, the more I think the ideal situation would be for us to all have the money and time to travel everywhere as much as we wanted. Then we could spend as much or little time in any place or with any people as we desired. We wouldn't really have to choose where to live. Ya know?

that would be nice, wouldn't it? some of my friends will say, "oh you're lucky to be single in that respect, you don't have to worry about where someone else wants to live." very true, however, sometimes it seems like there are SO many options, a little bit of a narrow-down could be welcome...Although my last relationship had to end due to geography- I couldn't stand the suburbs, he wouldn't leave them.

I really like where I live, but I've been feeling so bored lately, I can't help but have a wondering mind...I've only had my current job for a year though, so it's hard to have any real motivation to pick up and completely change everything. Sometimes I wish I could go to school again, that's a great reason to move.