don't feel like home

sparticlesoup

I would like this to be more about you than about me except that my past is littered with shallow self concern, the depths of which have filled my mind with thoughts of grandeur as delusional as the history of certainty without faith. This low-level introspection and placing high priority on the opinion of that which is being observed closes doors of insight lessening the possibility of actual validity concerning the aforementioned observation. Years of following this course of mental activity has dulled a once acute awareness of the outside world, with sensation being replaced by opinionation which, in the long run, has the nutritional value of one's own waste. In the early years of middle age, a transition is seemingly starting to take place, although i wonder if it actually started at birth with awareness catching up down the road. The transition involves giving up on old fantasies and living up to the reality that me, not circumstance, made the me i became. It is easy to say this now, but realization does not equal redemption. Awareness and regret of transgressions does not erase the memory of it. The slate cannot be wiped clean by wishful thinking. Fire just might be the primordial soap that cleanseth the soul of icy darkness devoid of light. I thought the door swung wide open though it was only opened a crack, forcing me to reconsider the notion that I was very bright. But true brightness springs forth humility, of which my reserves were waning in quantity. How could I turn it around, or myself? The gift of this about face was wrapped in awareness, which masked punishment. The answer at the time seemed to point toward the question, which was beyond language. I am no carpenter, but the desire to build a solution to all of my questions was stronger than my comprehension of my own weaknesses. I took what i thought were basics and broke them down to the point of nothingness, exposing the fact that my searching had little value. I'd go into details rambling on about concepts I couldn't scratch the surface of, let alone grasp. With tools like alcohol and marijuana, i forged theory after theory about how i wasn't ill, how self-medication trumps the opinions of skilled experienced professionals. How my family was greater and less than my vision. How everyone loved me. How all those things that are thought and never spoken disturbs the serenity of silence. Sometimes i can feel on the tip of my consciousness the ability to comprehend matters that extend to the upper reaches of what turns out to be my definition of a better reality. I know now to resist this urge, for it is all dead ends. You go down a dead end, realize it and turn around, only to be greeted by bullies. And the bullies are your own demons, your neglect of warning signs turned reflectors. I believed my problem to be unique without realizing that it was more common than shelter. The purpose of my life, if one actually exists, completely eludes me. I fight almost constantly to control the 'voices in my head', although it's not as difficult as it was a few years back. I will not elaborate on that. I sought to simplify complexity, first by
believing that i would, then by submerging myself in information and recording everything i saw fit to save. Simple math, along with the english language, a little geometry, and a lot of bullshit paved the way to thinking i could see a picture greater than what i'm a witness to.
When i was high, i could only see strength and fluidity. When i was down, i couldn't see past my own depression. Now, the extremes have provided me with an experiment in the mundane. Is it something to be delivered from, or is it home?

justam

I enjoyed reading this.

I do feel that the inside of a person's head is the spirit's home. I think that's why old people sometimes say things like "It's strange but inside I feel like the same person I always was."

Maybe, if we're lucky, we can get some company or/and learn how to move furniture around or open up a few extra rooms?

supersonicyears

.

weed

how did I miss this one ?

I completely understand
every single word
of what you are saying

I think I could sit down
with you and talk for hours

PearlOfAGirl

What a great read, thank you for sharing this...

pepper

Wow....I too wonder how I might have missed such a great read!?!
Just remain authentic, I reckon thats the only realness this world needs!
Thanks for sharing!

sparticlesoup

weed wrote:

how did I miss this one ?

I completely understand
every single word
of what you are saying

I think I could sit down
with you and talk for hours

the last time i talked for hours i was the only one in the room.
no wonder i was angry.

thanks, your reply just chipped another piece off my shell.

tchaliz

it's allways been home! don't you see?
T