U.S. Flag Recalled After Causing 143 Million Deaths...
TriumphantAngel
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U.S. Flag Recalled After Causing 143 Million Deaths...
WASHINGTON—Citing a series of fatal malfunctions dating back to 1777, flag manufacturer Annin & Company announced Monday that it would be recalling all makes and models of its popular American flag from both foreign and domestic markets.
Representatives from the nation's leading flag producer claimed that as many as 143 million deaths in the past two centuries can be attributed directly to the faulty U.S. models, which have been utilized extensively since the 18th century in sectors as diverse as government, the military, and public education.
"It has come to our attention that, due to the inherent risks and hazards it poses, the American flag is simply unfit for general use," said Annin & Company president Ronald Burman, who confirmed that the number of flag-related deaths had noticeably spiked since 2003. "I would like to strongly urge all U.S. citizens: If you have an American flag hanging in your home or place of business, please discontinue using it immediately."
Added Burman, "The last thing we would want is for more innocent men and women around the world to die because of our product."
Millions of U.S. flag–related injuries and fatalities have been reported over a 230-year period in locations as far flung as Europe, Cuba, Korea, Gettysburg, PA, the Philippines, and Iraq. In addition, the company found that U.S. flag exports to Vietnam during the late 1960s and early 1970s resulted in hundreds of thousands of deaths, a clear sign that there was something seriously wrong with its product.
Despite fears about the flag's safety—especially when improperly used or manipulated in ways not originally intended—sales continued unabated over the years, potentially putting billions of unsuspecting people in danger.
"At first, we wanted one of our flags in every home in America," Burman said. "Unfortunately, the practical applications of this product are far outnumbered by the risks it presents. Millions have died needlessly, and when you ask people why, they point to the flag."added Burman, "Frankly, we should have pulled it off the market decades ago."
Studies conducted by the Annin & Company research and development department revealed that faulty U.S. flags have caused more than just injuries and deaths. During the mid-1950s, the flags were found to have the bizarre side effect of causing fear, paranoia, and hysterical behavior among millions of Americans. This was dismissed as an isolated event until September 2001, when similar symptoms reemerged on a massive scale.
As hazardous as the flags may be on their own, Annin & Company officials claimed the products become even more dangerous when used in conjunction with other common household items.
"When combined with alcohol, excessive patriotism, grief, or well-intentioned but ultimately misguided ideals, U.S. flags transform into ticking time bombs, just waiting to go off," Burman said.
Manufacturers are addressing the flag's unsafe and potentially lethal alignment of stars and stripes by designing a revised model that they hope will cut down on deaths in the United States and overseas, where experts say the flag is nearly 1,000 times as deadly.
In the meantime, Annin & Company is advising all Americans to either ship their flags back to the manufacturer or, if no time permits, dispose of them in an efficient manner.
"I understand that people might be reluctant to stop using a product they have found to be reliable over the years," Burman told reporters. "But I can't in good conscience allow them to use something I know to be dangerous. We'll try to make adjustments soon and come up with something that benefits everybody rather than hurting them."
Added Burman, "In the interim, I would recommend that all Americans switch to the Canadian flag, which seems to be working just fine."
- The Onion
WASHINGTON—Citing a series of fatal malfunctions dating back to 1777, flag manufacturer Annin & Company announced Monday that it would be recalling all makes and models of its popular American flag from both foreign and domestic markets.
Representatives from the nation's leading flag producer claimed that as many as 143 million deaths in the past two centuries can be attributed directly to the faulty U.S. models, which have been utilized extensively since the 18th century in sectors as diverse as government, the military, and public education.
"It has come to our attention that, due to the inherent risks and hazards it poses, the American flag is simply unfit for general use," said Annin & Company president Ronald Burman, who confirmed that the number of flag-related deaths had noticeably spiked since 2003. "I would like to strongly urge all U.S. citizens: If you have an American flag hanging in your home or place of business, please discontinue using it immediately."
Added Burman, "The last thing we would want is for more innocent men and women around the world to die because of our product."
Millions of U.S. flag–related injuries and fatalities have been reported over a 230-year period in locations as far flung as Europe, Cuba, Korea, Gettysburg, PA, the Philippines, and Iraq. In addition, the company found that U.S. flag exports to Vietnam during the late 1960s and early 1970s resulted in hundreds of thousands of deaths, a clear sign that there was something seriously wrong with its product.
Despite fears about the flag's safety—especially when improperly used or manipulated in ways not originally intended—sales continued unabated over the years, potentially putting billions of unsuspecting people in danger.
"At first, we wanted one of our flags in every home in America," Burman said. "Unfortunately, the practical applications of this product are far outnumbered by the risks it presents. Millions have died needlessly, and when you ask people why, they point to the flag."added Burman, "Frankly, we should have pulled it off the market decades ago."
Studies conducted by the Annin & Company research and development department revealed that faulty U.S. flags have caused more than just injuries and deaths. During the mid-1950s, the flags were found to have the bizarre side effect of causing fear, paranoia, and hysterical behavior among millions of Americans. This was dismissed as an isolated event until September 2001, when similar symptoms reemerged on a massive scale.
As hazardous as the flags may be on their own, Annin & Company officials claimed the products become even more dangerous when used in conjunction with other common household items.
"When combined with alcohol, excessive patriotism, grief, or well-intentioned but ultimately misguided ideals, U.S. flags transform into ticking time bombs, just waiting to go off," Burman said.
Manufacturers are addressing the flag's unsafe and potentially lethal alignment of stars and stripes by designing a revised model that they hope will cut down on deaths in the United States and overseas, where experts say the flag is nearly 1,000 times as deadly.
In the meantime, Annin & Company is advising all Americans to either ship their flags back to the manufacturer or, if no time permits, dispose of them in an efficient manner.
"I understand that people might be reluctant to stop using a product they have found to be reliable over the years," Burman told reporters. "But I can't in good conscience allow them to use something I know to be dangerous. We'll try to make adjustments soon and come up with something that benefits everybody rather than hurting them."
Added Burman, "In the interim, I would recommend that all Americans switch to the Canadian flag, which seems to be working just fine."
- The Onion
Post edited by Unknown User on
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Comments
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Hilarious.CONservative governMENt
Our government is the potent, the omnipresent teacher. For good or for ill, it teaches the whole people by its example. Crime is contagious. If the government becomes a law-breaker, it breeds contempt for law; it invites every man to become a law unto himself; it invites anarchy. - Louis Brandeis0 -
LOL...nice
"You can tell the greatness of a man by what makes him angry." - Lincoln
"Well, you tell him that I don't talk to suckas."0 -
In all seriousness, not funny at all.
Just fuckin stupid as are most of the assholes that generally type this bs.hippiemom = goodness0 -
welcome to the thread mr. no-sense-of-humor....cincybearcat wrote:In all seriousness, not funny at all.
Just fuckin stupid as are most of the assholes that generally type this bs.
is this tonight's outrage?"You can tell the greatness of a man by what makes him angry." - Lincoln
"Well, you tell him that I don't talk to suckas."0 -
It's the Onion man... if anyone is reading that for some sort of "news", "learning" or similar, they're idiots.cincybearcat wrote:In all seriousness, not funny at all.
Just fuckin stupid as are most of the assholes that generally type this bs.CONservative governMENt
Our government is the potent, the omnipresent teacher. For good or for ill, it teaches the whole people by its example. Crime is contagious. If the government becomes a law-breaker, it breeds contempt for law; it invites every man to become a law unto himself; it invites anarchy. - Louis Brandeis0 -
cincybearcat wrote:In all seriousness, not funny at all.
Just fuckin stupid as are most of the assholes that generally type this bs.
goodness me, it's the onion. no one thinks it's real. it's sattire, there's no need to get upset and take it personally. choose to be happy.0 -
OH NO, does this mean my favorite underwear is recalled?????????
"You can tell the greatness of a man by what makes him angry." - Lincoln
"Well, you tell him that I don't talk to suckas."0 -
cincybearcat wrote:In all seriousness, not funny at all.
Just fuckin stupid as are most of the assholes that generally type this bs.
Actually, what's bullshit is people who cling to an abstract ideal and get all pissy about it when someone shows it for what it really is.
It's just a symbol, no more important than the golden arches where you go to munch big macs.
I piss on your flag, your God, your freedom fries, and any other fantasy that you choose to concoct.0 -
Byrnzie wrote:cincybearcat wrote:In all seriousness, not funny at all.
Just fuckin stupid as are most of the assholes that generally type this bs.
Actually, what's bullshit is people who cling to an abstract ideal and get all pissy about it when someone shows it for what it really is.
It's just a symbol, no more important than the golden arches where you go to munch big macs.
I piss on your flag, your God, your freedom fries, and any other fantasy that you choose to concoct.
Well said and agreeI have certain rules I live by ... My First Rule ... I don't believe anything the government tells me ... George Carlin
"Life Is What Happens To You When Your Busy Making Other Plans" John Lennon0 -
lukin2006 wrote:Byrnzie wrote:Actually, what's bullshit is people who cling to an abstract ideal and get all pissy about it when someone shows it for what it really is.
It's just a symbol, no more important than the golden arches where you go to munch big macs.
I piss on your flag, your God, your freedom fries, and any other fantasy that you choose to concoct.
Well said and agree
That's a first!
0 -
gimmesometruth27 wrote:
welcome to the thread mr. no-sense-of-humor....cincybearcat wrote:In all seriousness, not funny at all.
Just fuckin stupid as are most of the assholes that generally type this bs.
is this tonight's outrage?
I wasn't talking about the onion. hippiemom = goodness0 -
Byrnzie wrote:cincybearcat wrote:In all seriousness, not funny at all.
Just fuckin stupid as are most of the assholes that generally type this bs.
Actually, what's bullshit is people who cling to an abstract ideal and get all pissy about it when someone shows it for what it really is.
It's just a symbol, no more important than the golden arches where you go to munch big macs.
I piss on your flag, your God, your freedom fries, and any other fantasy that you choose to concoct.
I really don't care one way or the other. I'm fine with people burning flags, it just makes them look really stupid. Just as stupid as those waving flags around for everything. I'm fine with being patriotic and caring about your country...it is where you live and you should care. Most people care about their local community so why wouldn't they care about the country they live in too. But the whole ridiculousness of the flag waving and the flag burning gets really old, because it is just a flag. Bunch of morons really.
By the way, here you go again thinking you have any idea about me and what I think before I eve type it. Only problem is you end up not looking very smart.hippiemom = goodness0 -
Byrnzie wrote:I piss on your flag, your God, your freedom fries, and any other fantasy that you choose to concoct.
Like I said, go ahead. Of course since you have no idea what you are pissing on, it's you who look silly.
You wanna talk about fantasy? Someone living in China telling everyone else how duped they are.hippiemom = goodness0 -
gimmesometruth27 wrote:OH NO, does this mean my favorite underwear is recalled?????????
Dude, you stole my undies again?hippiemom = goodness0 -
cincybearcat wrote:Byrnzie wrote:I piss on your flag, your God, your freedom fries, and any other fantasy that you choose to concoct.
Like I said, go ahead. Of course since you have no idea what you are pissing on, it's you who look silly.
You wanna talk about fantasy? Someone living in China telling everyone else how duped they are.
first off, I completely agree with Byrnzie. We invented all the goddamn lines, literally and figuratively, that cause all of the deaths and wars in the world. The lines on the map, the boundaries of what is taboo and what isn't, the idea that we are good and "they" are evil, are all fantasies concocted by the human mind. Whether it be religion, PATRIOTISM, sexuality, or whatever norm/taboo you can think of, it is all this damn morality and ignorance that gets people to think that is okay to kill other people. "The map is not the territory."
In regards to the dude living in China, what exactly do you mean when you intuit that he is "duped" because he lives there? To me, your statement is a poignant example of how PATRIOTISM makes people do inflammatory things that they normally wouldn't do, which goes back full circle to the original topic...Everything not forbidden is compulsory and eveything not compulsory is forbidden. You are free... free to do what the government says you can do.0 -
this thread just screams my favorite Ed Vedder rant of all time....
http://www.fivehorizons.com/tour/cc/sounds/98/5h_savetheflag.mp30 -
he still stands wrote:We invented all the goddamn lines, literally and figuratively, that cause all of the deaths and wars in the world. The lines on the map, the boundaries of what is taboo and what isn't, the idea that we are good and "they" are evil, are all fantasies concocted by the human mind. Whether it be religion, PATRIOTISM, sexuality, or whatever norm/taboo you can think of, it is all this damn morality and ignorance that gets people to think that is okay to kill other people. "The map is not the territory."
In regards to the dude living in China, what exactly do you mean when you intuit that he is "duped" because he lives there? To me, your statement is a poignant example of how PATRIOTISM makes people do inflammatory things that they normally wouldn't do, which goes back full circle to the original topic...
Well said.0 -
he still stands wrote:cincybearcat wrote:Byrnzie wrote:I piss on your flag, your God, your freedom fries, and any other fantasy that you choose to concoct.
Like I said, go ahead. Of course since you have no idea what you are pissing on, it's you who look silly.
You wanna talk about fantasy? Someone living in China telling everyone else how duped they are.
first off, I completely agree with Byrnzie. We invented all the goddamn lines, literally and figuratively, that cause all of the deaths and wars in the world. The lines on the map, the boundaries of what is taboo and what isn't, the idea that we are good and "they" are evil, are all fantasies concocted by the human mind. Whether it be religion, PATRIOTISM, sexuality, or whatever norm/taboo you can think of, it is all this damn morality and ignorance that gets people to think that is okay to kill other people. "The map is not the territory."
In regards to the dude living in China, what exactly do you mean when you intuit that he is "duped" because he lives there? To me, your statement is a poignant example of how PATRIOTISM makes people do inflammatory things that they normally wouldn't do, which goes back full circle to the original topic...
First of all I think I said as much that the weird power people give to a flag (whether it be positive or negative) is a big problem. Both side are part of the problem.
Second of all, I said that he constantly is telling OTHERS how duped they are by their governments. How is my distaste for China me being Patriotic? I'd have a distaste for China if I was English, French, Italian, Canadian, from the Republic of Chad...it doesn't matter. I just get tired of his lectures.hippiemom = goodness0 -
he still stands wrote:first off, I completely agree with Byrnzie. We invented all the goddamn lines, literally and figuratively, that cause all of the deaths and wars in the world. The lines on the map, the boundaries of what is taboo and what isn't, the idea that we are good and "they" are evil, are all fantasies concocted by the human mind. Whether it be religion, PATRIOTISM, sexuality, or whatever norm/taboo you can think of, it is all this damn morality and ignorance that gets people to think that is okay to kill other people. "The map is not the territory."
Oh...and when did he say that? All he said was he wanted to piss on my god and my flag and my whatever. He should stick to pissing into that hole in the ground he calls a toilet.hippiemom = goodness0 -
Ok...first of all, I will apologize for my first post as it wasn't clear and clearly started something it shouldn't have.
I'm just tired of hearing about the flag...waving or burning...and tired of all the bs it brings.hippiemom = goodness0
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