The Goodbye She'll Never Hear

PJam82

Sorry guys...I've known she just got engaged, but I decided to let it out just tonight after a bottle of Merlot. This one hurt much more than I thought it would.

I’m sitting here, my fingers just laying over the different keys. As if I’m trying to feel the pulse of just how to get this particular series of emotions out. I’m looking at the keys, but not really looking at the screen…guess I’m really just about to poke some recently disturbed feelings. I don’t know exactly where this is goin, this is how I always saw you despite that it didn’t go how I wished. Here goes:

Yeah, I know. I’ve known…but, its just hitting me. Never knew you could do that did you? That’s the real reason why you only get glimpses of me when we talk. Somewhow, you netrualize my ability to put up a defense. And I get scared you’ll see right through me. Ask anyone …that’s a scary thing.

I know that you’re about to take a huge leap. I know that’s what you’ve wanted, but I didn’t think it would be this soon. As I type this, my heart swells like a deep ocean gust. But let me go back first….

There’s somethings I never told you. I’m an idiot, I thought I had more time than was actually on the clock. You see, even now, I can see it in your face. I know you care deeply. And if this is my final call, my last stand, then you must know it all. In gods honest truth, I have never loved anyone like you. From the first time I opened the door to the checkout room as you came out and our eyes met, my heart gained a purpose. I saw you smile, and then it sunk. It was like life was re-given to me in that instance. That was one of the most powerful moments of my life, renewed purpose was beamed on me like some far away star slapping all of its energy on my head saying..”Dummy. RIGHT THERE!” My heart stopped.

Walking through Burbank, I remember the trepidation. My goodness you look so intensely beautiful. Those eyes could shrink me. And then when I decided I’d try. That dimly light backstreet just off the theatre. “Just don’t slap me”, I said. You didn’t. Thanks for that by the way, my heart stopped.

I didn’t say what I needed to say. There’s nothing more to it than that. What you should have been told, I didn’t say. That is my fault. I wish that night it was raining I simply told you what you meant to me.

I have one final secret to divulge to you…you remember tha plumeria drawing? Not the black one, but the purple one? There’s something I drew in there that was my way of telling you…you see, in my way of balancing things, I tend to say, or do things that might seem strange at the time, or simply not make any sense. So, now is the time to tell you. That drawing had two tiny shapes drawn in the background. They were of two birds flying off together in the distance. They were put there to assume the role of a background, but while your attention was likely paid to the plumeria, my story was really about the birds.

You see, there’s a line in a song called Lowlight that says, “Two birds is what they’ll see, getting lost upon their way.” To me, that is the most poetic line I’ve ever heard in this life. It brings forth the thought of everlasting love to me. I wanted you to be the bird I got lost with. I wanted all of them to see us disappear into the horizon together. Just to let them catch one glimpse of the ever-elusive creature that was true-love. The rest of lives would have been….a series of little smiles as our eyes never left each others sights.

Now that I know that will never happen….just tears. But I just had to let that out. I wish you the best of luck. I will always love you. God Bless.

PJam82

I'd like to quote one last song before I pass out in regards to this situation. I don't plan on touching it again after tonight.

"You my friend, I will defend"
"If we change, well I love you anyway".

Goodnight.

the wolf

I read this and can relate to this in so many ways. Thank you for posting.

I have to say though, that you need to tell her all of this. You just never know what would happen.
If nothing changes after telling her, okay then nothing changes. Take your shot, the worst that can happen is that you miss.

Good luck my friend.



-steve

catefrances

...

pandora

PJam82 wrote:

Sorry guys...I've known she just got engaged, but I decided to let it out just tonight after a bottle of Merlot. This one hurt much more than I thought it would.

I’m sitting here, my fingers just laying over the different keys. As if I’m trying to feel the pulse of just how to get this particular series of emotions out. I’m looking at the keys, but not really looking at the screen…guess I’m really just about to poke some recently disturbed feelings. I don’t know exactly where this is goin, this is how I always saw you despite that it didn’t go how I wished. Here goes:

Yeah, I know. I’ve known…but, its just hitting me. Never knew you could do that did you? That’s the real reason why you only get glimpses of me when we talk. Somewhow, you netrualize my ability to put up a defense. And I get scared you’ll see right through me. Ask anyone …that’s a scary thing.

I know that you’re about to take a huge leap. I know that’s what you’ve wanted, but I didn’t think it would be this soon. As I type this, my heart swells like a deep ocean gust. But let me go back first….

There’s somethings I never told you. I’m an idiot, I thought I had more time than was actually on the clock. You see, even now, I can see it in your face. I know you care deeply. And if this is my final call, my last stand, then you must know it all. In gods honest truth, I have never loved anyone like you. From the first time I opened the door to the checkout room as you came out and our eyes met, my heart gained a purpose. I saw you smile, and then it sunk. It was like life was re-given to me in that instance. That was one of the most powerful moments of my life, renewed purpose was beamed on me like some far away star slapping all of its energy on my head saying..”Dummy. RIGHT THERE!” My heart stopped.

Walking through Burbank, I remember the trepidation. My goodness you look so intensely beautiful. Those eyes could shrink me. And then when I decided I’d try. That dimly light backstreet just off the theatre. “Just don’t slap me”, I said. You didn’t. Thanks for that by the way, my heart stopped.

I didn’t say what I needed to say. There’s nothing more to it than that. What you should have been told, I didn’t say. That is my fault. I wish that night it was raining I simply told you what you meant to me.

I have one final secret to divulge to you…you remember tha plumeria drawing? Not the black one, but the purple one? There’s something I drew in there that was my way of telling you…you see, in my way of balancing things, I tend to say, or do things that might seem strange at the time, or simply not make any sense. So, now is the time to tell you. That drawing had two tiny shapes drawn in the background. They were of two birds flying off together in the distance. They were put there to assume the role of a background, but while your attention was likely paid to the plumeria, my story was really about the birds.

You see, there’s a line in a song called Lowlight that says, “Two birds is what they’ll see, getting lost upon their way.” To me, that is the most poetic line I’ve ever heard in this life. It brings forth the thought of everlasting love to me. I wanted you to be the bird I got lost with. I wanted all of them to see us disappear into the horizon together. Just to let them catch one glimpse of the ever-elusive creature that was true-love. The rest of lives would have been….a series of little smiles as our eyes never left each others sights.

Now that I know that will never happen….just tears. But I just had to let that out. I wish you the best of luck. I will always love you. God Bless.

As beautiful as your love for her are your words and Eddie's quote. I agree with Steve, the time for fear is over, tell her how you feel. If nothing else she deserves to know this love.

the wolf

when my marriage ended 5 years ago, I didn't fight hard enough to keep her. I then met my now ex-gf very soon after, and we split in January, again I didn't fight hard to try and keep her.

I could shoot myself right now over not fighting in both cases. I will live with that forever. I would have rather fought until the very end. I instead worried about keeping a friend in both of them, afraid to lay it all on the line.

When the GF left in Jan. I asked my ex-wife if there was anything I could have done back when her and I split that could have changed the way things turned out. She said yes, it crushed me knowing that.

I know deep down nothing would have changed with my ex-gf, but had no idea that there could have been a different outcome with the ex-wife.
Then again, if that were different, I would not have spent 4.5 years with the GF, and I would not be who I am now because of it.
So who knows?

Just make sure you don't have any regrets is what I'm trying to say I guess.


-steve

mysticweed

pandora wrote:

PJam82 wrote:

Sorry guys...I've known she just got engaged, but I decided to let it out just tonight after a bottle of Merlot. This one hurt much more than I thought it would.

I’m sitting here, my fingers just laying over the different keys. As if I’m trying to feel the pulse of just how to get this particular series of emotions out. I’m looking at the keys, but not really looking at the screen…guess I’m really just about to poke some recently disturbed feelings. I don’t know exactly where this is goin, this is how I always saw you despite that it didn’t go how I wished. Here goes:

Yeah, I know. I’ve known…but, its just hitting me. Never knew you could do that did you? That’s the real reason why you only get glimpses of me when we talk. Somewhow, you netrualize my ability to put up a defense. And I get scared you’ll see right through me. Ask anyone …that’s a scary thing.

I know that you’re about to take a huge leap. I know that’s what you’ve wanted, but I didn’t think it would be this soon. As I type this, my heart swells like a deep ocean gust. But let me go back first….

There’s somethings I never told you. I’m an idiot, I thought I had more time than was actually on the clock. You see, even now, I can see it in your face. I know you care deeply. And if this is my final call, my last stand, then you must know it all. In gods honest truth, I have never loved anyone like you. From the first time I opened the door to the checkout room as you came out and our eyes met, my heart gained a purpose. I saw you smile, and then it sunk. It was like life was re-given to me in that instance. That was one of the most powerful moments of my life, renewed purpose was beamed on me like some far away star slapping all of its energy on my head saying..”Dummy. RIGHT THERE!” My heart stopped.

Walking through Burbank, I remember the trepidation. My goodness you look so intensely beautiful. Those eyes could shrink me. And then when I decided I’d try. That dimly light backstreet just off the theatre. “Just don’t slap me”, I said. You didn’t. Thanks for that by the way, my heart stopped.

I didn’t say what I needed to say. There’s nothing more to it than that. What you should have been told, I didn’t say. That is my fault. I wish that night it was raining I simply told you what you meant to me.

I have one final secret to divulge to you…you remember tha plumeria drawing? Not the black one, but the purple one? There’s something I drew in there that was my way of telling you…you see, in my way of balancing things, I tend to say, or do things that might seem strange at the time, or simply not make any sense. So, now is the time to tell you. That drawing had two tiny shapes drawn in the background. They were of two birds flying off together in the distance. They were put there to assume the role of a background, but while your attention was likely paid to the plumeria, my story was really about the birds.

You see, there’s a line in a song called Lowlight that says, “Two birds is what they’ll see, getting lost upon their way.” To me, that is the most poetic line I’ve ever heard in this life. It brings forth the thought of everlasting love to me. I wanted you to be the bird I got lost with. I wanted all of them to see us disappear into the horizon together. Just to let them catch one glimpse of the ever-elusive creature that was true-love. The rest of lives would have been….a series of little smiles as our eyes never left each others sights.

Now that I know that will never happen….just tears. But I just had to let that out. I wish you the best of luck. I will always love you. God Bless.

As beautiful as your love for her are your words and Eddie's quote. I agree with Steve, the time for fear is over, tell her how you feel. If nothing else she deserves to know this love.

Actually the quote is from No Excuses - either Staley, Cantrell, or both
But I agree TELL HER

PearlOfAGirl

PJam82 wrote:

Sorry guys...I've known she just got engaged, but I decided to let it out just tonight after a bottle of Merlot. This one hurt much more than I thought it would.

I’m sitting here, my fingers just laying over the different keys. As if I’m trying to feel the pulse of just how to get this particular series of emotions out. I’m looking at the keys, but not really looking at the screen…guess I’m really just about to poke some recently disturbed feelings. I don’t know exactly where this is goin, this is how I always saw you despite that it didn’t go how I wished. Here goes:

Yeah, I know. I’ve known…but, its just hitting me. Never knew you could do that did you? That’s the real reason why you only get glimpses of me when we talk. Somewhow, you netrualize my ability to put up a defense. And I get scared you’ll see right through me. Ask anyone …that’s a scary thing.

I know that you’re about to take a huge leap. I know that’s what you’ve wanted, but I didn’t think it would be this soon. As I type this, my heart swells like a deep ocean gust. But let me go back first….

There’s somethings I never told you. I’m an idiot, I thought I had more time than was actually on the clock. You see, even now, I can see it in your face. I know you care deeply. And if this is my final call, my last stand, then you must know it all. In gods honest truth, I have never loved anyone like you. From the first time I opened the door to the checkout room as you came out and our eyes met, my heart gained a purpose. I saw you smile, and then it sunk. It was like life was re-given to me in that instance. That was one of the most powerful moments of my life, renewed purpose was beamed on me like some far away star slapping all of its energy on my head saying..”Dummy. RIGHT THERE!” My heart stopped.

Walking through Burbank, I remember the trepidation. My goodness you look so intensely beautiful. Those eyes could shrink me. And then when I decided I’d try. That dimly light backstreet just off the theatre. “Just don’t slap me”, I said. You didn’t. Thanks for that by the way, my heart stopped.

I didn’t say what I needed to say. There’s nothing more to it than that. What you should have been told, I didn’t say. That is my fault. I wish that night it was raining I simply told you what you meant to me.

I have one final secret to divulge to you…you remember tha plumeria drawing? Not the black one, but the purple one? There’s something I drew in there that was my way of telling you…you see, in my way of balancing things, I tend to say, or do things that might seem strange at the time, or simply not make any sense. So, now is the time to tell you. That drawing had two tiny shapes drawn in the background. They were of two birds flying off together in the distance. They were put there to assume the role of a background, but while your attention was likely paid to the plumeria, my story was really about the birds.

You see, there’s a line in a song called Lowlight that says, “Two birds is what they’ll see, getting lost upon their way.” To me, that is the most poetic line I’ve ever heard in this life. It brings forth the thought of everlasting love to me. I wanted you to be the bird I got lost with. I wanted all of them to see us disappear into the horizon together. Just to let them catch one glimpse of the ever-elusive creature that was true-love. The rest of lives would have been….a series of little smiles as our eyes never left each others sights.

Now that I know that will never happen….just tears. But I just had to let that out. I wish you the best of luck. I will always love you. God Bless.

So much beauty and sadness... I hope that time will heal your broken heart....

acrossssSsssshittt

this haunts me in my present state... I've known this before and I fear I might know this again... My prayers are with you man... and I pray you keep what's in your head and in your heart

The Porch is full of overweight jobless geeks

I feel for you, if it was me i would send her what you have just written, but i dont know your situation, stay strong bro