Anyone caught their kids with something bad...

JonnyPistachio

and not know how to approach them?

I heard a discussion on the radio about policing your kids internet access. Some people called in and were appalled that parents were invading their kids privacy. Others thought it was OK to record keyboard keystrokes and have spy programs take snapshots of the screens they access.

I'm 36, so we didnt have internet when I was a kid, but my g/f is 27 and she was telling me that her parent just put the computer in a common area and put blocks on the search engines when they were kids.

Kids are pretty damn smart these days though, so what do you think about limiting their acess/checking what they view, etc...????

And if you saw that your 11 year old was checking out some good quality porn, what do you do?
I remember finding a pretty graphic porno magazine in the woods when I was probably 11, and my friend and I hid it under a tree stump and looked at it all the time while waiting for the bus. I dont think anything bad happened from it (other that my love for doggy style, haha, j/k!), but i dont know how I would react if I found my kid with something like that.

(oh, for the record, I was a step-parent to a girl from when she was 2-6 years old, but dont have kids of my own yet)

intodeep

Glad i don't have kids to have to worry about this.

best of luck.

lukins.lawyer

My opinion, as a 25 year old without the pleasure of being confronted with this type of scenario, is this:

As awkward as the situation may be, I feel that the best way to go about something like this is to confront the situation head on. I feel this way for two reasons.

First, because you will facilitate the maintenance of an open relationship with your child, so that when more serious issues arise (sex, drug problems, abusive boyfriend, gambling problem, dealing with homosexuality), the foundation for a straight-up conversation and resolution method is already in place, and it will be easier when both of you are used to dealing with issues in an open face to face manner.

Second, by confronting your child immediately, you instill in them a value (or method if you will) that teaches them to deal with problems head-on, without beating around the bush or dancing around the situation. If you catch your adolescent with porno, try and set aside the obvious discomfort that accompanies discussion about the subject and have a serious talk about the consequences that come with their actions. Make them understand that uncomfortable situations are still situations that need to be addressed and dealt with. From there, it's your choice on how to discipline/childrear.

Hopefully one day I can put my money where my mouth is. Hope you enjoyed!

blackredyellow

Like you said, when we were kids, we found porn... whether from an older kid at school or your old man's stash.

My son is only 2, so who knows what technology would be around when he's older, but I don't see anything wrong with putting monitoring/blocking software on a computer. I'd tell him that it was on there though, and hopefully that would discourage him testing the boundaries too much.

I think it would be a little different with a daughter than a son tho... Both can be targets of sickos, but I'd worry more about a girl getting in trouble online.

JonnyPistachio

sounds.of.seattle wrote:

My opinion, as a 25 year old without the pleasure of being confronted with this type of scenario, is this:

As awkward as the situation may be, I feel that the best way to go about something like this is to confront the situation head on. I feel this way for two reasons.

First, because you will facilitate the maintenance of an open relationship with your child, so that when more serious issues arise (sex, drug problems, abusive boyfriend, gambling problem, dealing with homosexuality), the foundation for a straight-up conversation and resolution method is already in place, and it will be easier when both of you are used to dealing with issues in an open face to face manner.

Second, by confronting your child immediately, you instill in them a value (or method if you will) that teaches them to deal with problems head-on, without beating around the bush or dancing around the situation. If you catch your adolescent with porno, try and set aside the obvious discomfort that accompanies discussion about the subject and have a serious talk about the consequences that come with their actions. Make them understand that uncomfortable situations are still situations that need to be addressed and dealt with. From there, it's your choice on how to discipline/childrear.

Hopefully one day I can put my money where my mouth is. Hope you enjoyed!

Great ideas, I agree with you all the way.

Some of the issues I would also be concerned with is -- as we progress technologically, it is becoming more normal for kids to have their own computrers and cell phones. Will they feel like its an invasion of thier privacy if we snoop and they havent dont anything wrong? It's all speculative to me, becasue again, I'm not in this situation, but if you're protecting them, is it OK to do this or is it violating their trust?

JonnyPistachio

blackredyellow wrote:

Like you said, when we were kids, we found porn... whether from an older kid at school or your old man's stash.

My son is only 2, so who knows what technology would be around when he's older, but I don't see anything wrong with putting monitoring/blocking software on a computer. I'd tell him that it was on there though, and hopefully that would discourage him testing the boundaries too much.

I think it would be a little different with a daughter than a son tho... Both can be targets of sickos, but I'd worry more about a girl getting in trouble online.

Makes sense.. I guess as long as you tell them it is there, you'll all be better off.
Scary to think about how (what technology) he might stumble across his frist porno in 10 years or whenever, huh?
You're right too, having a girl is a totally different situation. I don't know if I'd be a very good dad to a girl. i'd probably be too over-protective.

Claireack

Have a 13 year old. Always tried to be open with him about things so he know the knows what to watch out for re people approaching him etc.

If I caught him on the computer looking at something inappropriate, I'd talk to him straightaway about it and go through things with him. To be honest, he probably has looked at porn - but what pubescent boy hasn't been curious. If I caught him I'd discuss it with him.

I'm more concerned with what he see's on his friends phones when he's not under our roof, porn/happy slapping whatever, I believe that kids are more likely to have things on their mobiles where they think they are away from the prying eyes of their parents. Hence, he's not allowed on the internet on his phone.

It's difficult as a parent to get everything right.

JonnyPistachio

Claireack wrote:

Have a 13 year old. Always tried to be open with him about things so he know the knows what to watch out for re people approaching him etc.

If I caught him on the computer looking at something inappropriate, I'd talk to him straightaway about it and go through things with him. To be honest, he probably has looked at porn - but what pubescent boy hasn't been curious. If I caught him I'd discuss it with him.

I'm more concerned with what he see's on his friends phones when he's not under our roof, porn/happy slapping whatever, I believe that kids are more likely to have things on their mobiles where they think they are away from the prying eyes of their parents. Hence, he's not allowed on the internet on his phone.

It's difficult as a parent to get everything right.

yeah, parenting has got to be scary these days. It gets harder and harder I assume with all this technology.
Just a few years ago I was wondering to myself why do kids need/are allowed cell phones these days? Now the more I think about it, (one without internet) is probably pretty good. I guess parents might be able to keep more tabs on them. When I was probably 10-15 years old, I would be off exploring in the woods or neighborhoods for hours upon hours and nobody knew where I was or how to contact me, and my mom would get so pissed if I came home after dinner time. She even bought a whistle once, but I acted like I couldnt hear it. (I know, I wasnt a good kid)

pandora

Yes you sure can't get everything right just do your best to keep them safe really. Pick and choose battles with safety as a priority.
Porn isn't going to hurt them but in my experience if that porn is not of women over 18 then who ever is looking needs to be told that is god awful. That these poor young girls are being manipulated or worse. That their childhood is being taken away from them and that porn like that shouldn't be ever be supported.

CJMST3K

You know when kids get caught smoking, how you stick them in a room and make them stay in it until they smoke a carton?

Maybe get some disturbing porn. Like 90 year-olds in magazines nude... or 400 lbs nudes... and if you catch them looking at internet porn, lock them in a room and make them look at these horrible nude images. And to make sure they do it, tell them they need to write their full name on every single image in the magazine, so you know they didn't miss it.

tinkerbell

CJMST3K wrote:

You know when kids get caught smoking, how you stick them in a room and make them stay in it until they smoke a carton?

Maybe get some disturbing porn. Like 90 year-olds in magazines nude... or 400 lbs nudes... and if you catch them looking at internet porn, lock them in a room and make them look at these horrible nude images. And to make sure they do it, tell them they need to write their full name on every single image in the magazine, so you know they didn't miss it.

What an awesome way to breed some really dirty fetishes nice and early!

CJMST3K

tinkerbell wrote:

CJMST3K wrote:

You know when kids get caught smoking, how you stick them in a room and make them stay in it until they smoke a carton?

Maybe get some disturbing porn. Like 90 year-olds in magazines nude... or 400 lbs nudes... and if you catch them looking at internet porn, lock them in a room and make them look at these horrible nude images. And to make sure they do it, tell them they need to write their full name on every single image in the magazine, so you know they didn't miss it.

What an awesome way to breed some really dirty fetishes nice and early!

indeed.

tinkerbell

My kids are only 5 and 2 so have not experienced anything like this yet. I think that having the computer in a common area until the child gets a little older is a good idea - though most teenagers I know have laptops and I doubt that they will sit on the couch with mum & dad with their laptop on their knee.

I think making sure you educate your children well about safe internet use is really important (I think it may be taught in schools here). There has been a lot in the press in the last couple of years about cyber bullying (which has lead to some suicides) and about preditors who create alias' to prey on young people. It's scary! I hope that I will have an open enough relationship with my kids that I will be able to discuss all of this when need be.

Lizardjam

JonnyPistachio wrote:

Great ideas, I agree with you all the way.

Some of the issues I would also be concerned with is -- as we progress technologically, it is becoming more normal for kids to have their own computrers and cell phones. Will they feel like its an invasion of thier privacy if we snoop and they havent dont anything wrong? It's all speculative to me, becasue again, I'm not in this situation, but if you're protecting them, is it OK to do this or is it violating their trust?

If they have an email, the parent has to have the passwords. If they're on the internet there should be blocks and you can go through the history and have any kind of monitoring software you want. Too often nowadays we're worried about the violation of privacy of our teenagers(and pre-teens) and everyone suffers. There is no right to privacy until you're 18 and you move out. You're under your parent's roof and care until then. It's the parent's job to ensure their kids are safe and acting in safe ways. There has to be trust and open communication but if all of that is there, then the kid\teen already has nothing to hide.

Every kid has to learn how to use technology nowadays and every parent should be involved and monitor it. Any parent that doesn't, imho, is just being lazy. I am so tired of politically correct parenting. That's why so many kids are screwed with on the internet and get into trouble. "oh, I'm going to hurt my child's feelings". My advice? Get over that and be a parent. Teach them first to understand safe practices then monitor and ensure they're doing it.

mookeywrench

when they have paid for and own the computer and bedroom, then it is their right to privacy; until then they will have to respect the rules of wherever they're living.

catefrances

i dont think parenting is scary at all. unless im doing it wrong.

the family computer is dead at our place so my son borrowed his fathers laptop. he hides away in his room with it so last night i asked him what he was doing. he said he was just chatting. i asked with who and he said friends so i asked with friends you see all day at school? and he answers yes. he then asked why i wanted to know. i said cause i like to know whats going on and its better than the australian federal government blanketting our internet with a filth filter cause theyve decided us grown ups lack the maturity to not only google whatever the hell we want and need to be babysat.. but that we seem to be incapable of policing our childrens internet usage. and no im not kidding that is exactly what theyre planning on doing.

i trust my child but i also know his password... just in case.

JonnyPistachio

Lizardjam wrote:

JonnyPistachio wrote:

Great ideas, I agree with you all the way.

Some of the issues I would also be concerned with is -- as we progress technologically, it is becoming more normal for kids to have their own computrers and cell phones. Will they feel like its an invasion of thier privacy if we snoop and they havent dont anything wrong? It's all speculative to me, becasue again, I'm not in this situation, but if you're protecting them, is it OK to do this or is it violating their trust?

If they have an email, the parent has to have the passwords. If they're on the internet there should be blocks and you can go through the history and have any kind of monitoring software you want. Too often nowadays we're worried about the violation of privacy of our teenagers(and pre-teens) and everyone suffers. There is no right to privacy until you're 18 and you move out. You're under your parent's roof and care until then. It's the parent's job to ensure their kids are safe and acting in safe ways. There has to be trust and open communication but if all of that is there, then the kid\teen already has nothing to hide.

Every kid has to learn how to use technology nowadays and every parent should be involved and monitor it. Any parent that doesn't, imho, is just being lazy. I am so tired of politically correct parenting. That's why so many kids are screwed with on the internet and get into trouble. "oh, I'm going to hurt my child's feelings". My advice? Get over that and be a parent. Teach them first to understand safe practices then monitor and ensure they're doing it.

I agree with you Lizardjam. I think you're right about politically correct parenting too... it's made some parents scared to discipline their kids. It's sad, and kids are getting away with too much these days. Now that I think about it, even back when I thought I had my feelings hurt, I knew my parents were always right in the long run.