*Friend Advice*

FearTheBeard

Ok, I need help here! I'm really pissed about this situation and can use some advice!

Situation is my wife and I are currently separated. I have a guy friend of more than 15 years who claims that he can be friends with both my wife and I. So today I asked him what he was doing tonight and he told me that he was hanging out with my wife. :shock: I told him that I wasn't happy with his decision to talk to and hang out with her and I am going to have a really hard time being friends with him if he continues to talk to her. Then I threw up the example of asking him how he would feel if I hung out with his ex-girlfriend.

His response: I don't know what you want out of me. I told you from the start I was not going to pick sides. Both of you mean a ton to me and i have been neutral through this and have tried to be there for you, but you have chosen not to talk to me. I cant help that....

What do you guys think? Am I being an asshole to him or do I have a legitimate concern here? He has known me for over 15 years and known her since I met her about 6 years ago.

JOEJOEJOE

I think he is in the wrong. He should be loyal to you, or at least stay neutral. He can easily tell your wife that he doesn't want to hang out because of the sensetive nature of the marital situation.

touchme.imdick

Your friend is totally overstepping a boundary whether he agrees with you or not. If it is a problem for you, then he is overstepping the boundary. He should respect your guys privacy at a time like this, too. If nothing else, he should take a step back from the whole situation because you never want to get yourself involved in other people's marital problems, even if you're friends with both people. I think you have every right to be upset.

norm

JOEJOEJOE wrote:

I think he is in the wrong. He should be loyal to you, or at least stay neutral. He can easily tell your wife that he doesn't want to hang out because of the sensetive nature of the marital situation.

this

and if you've been friends longer then he really should remain loyal to you and she should understand this...but then people are the least rational beings on the face of the earth so good luck with that

ZiggyStar

Is your friend single? Is that what you're worried about? That he might throw the leg over?

My sister and her ex broke up after 9 years and a really good friend to both of them who was originally a good friend of her ex remained friends with both of them.

I don't think your friend should have to choose between you at all.

Who Princess

I'm not sure I can give you any advice here but I will say that it's very tough when you are the friend of a couple who splits up. You care about both of them and want to stay neutral so you can maintain both friendships but in the end you usually give up your friendship with one of them. That's what's always happened to me. I've resented being in a situation where I lose one of my friends.

I'll give your friend props for being honest with you. He could have lied to you about what he was doing. But I can't tell how you to proceed, just trying to imagine where he's coming from.

facepollution

I think it depends whether you think you see your friend as a threat, i.e that he would make a move on your wife. If he's that good a friend and you trust him, then I don't think you have anything to worry about. If however you think he might try and start something, I don't think there is a lot you can do, because that would happen regardless of whether you know or not. You can't really say that he hasn't been honest with you though.....

Jokertt14

hate to be so short and blunt ..

BUT THAT DUDE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND ... hes missing with your wife or ex wife .. if i had to guess

Guys have a hard time being friends with girls and not want to fuck them ... i dont care what anyone else says in here ... there just fooling themselves ...

Lauri

The guy is being honest with you. He told you he wasn't picking sides. If he was friends with your wife before there's no reason he can't be know. Just because they are of opposite sexes doesn't mean they sleeping together.

justam

Keep your eyes open. :shock:

A lot of men have difficulty being just friends with women. At least, that's what I've noticed and learned a number of times. :?

_

In a perfect world this shouldn't be a problem.

But I understand that our emotions get in the way of that ideal. If I were you, I would like my friend to be loyal to me - especially if I felt that my ex had fucked me over or was somehow in the wrong. But if I were your friend, I would think I shouldn't have to choose.

Guess that doesn't really help though. :?

pearljgirl2010

justam wrote:

Keep your eyes open. :shock:

A lot of men have difficulty being just friends with women. At least, that's what I've noticed and learned a number of times. :?

i agree with this...I think it could very well be nothing, but don't be naive to the situation....better to be a little cautious than ignorant!!!

81

you don't want her, or she doesn't want you. as long as the friendship is on the up and up for him and her who really cares.

pearljgirl2010

81 wrote:

you don't want her, or she doesn't want you. as long as the friendship is on the up and up for him and her who really cares.

really?? You would be ok with one of your good friends hanging out with your not-quite-ex? I think the friendship loyalty is important...if one of my good girlfriends was hanging out with my ex-husband while we were separated, there would definitely be a breech of friendship.

the wolf

i think each person and sitiuation is different.

I have plenty of friends that are sitll friends with my ex wife. In fact, a few of them see her way more then I see them. No biggie, its my call that I dont hang out with them as much. I dont think there is any reason they cant still be friends with her.


like i said though, each person is different. some dudes would try to get in her pants, no matter how long they have been friends with you.

this was no help was it? lol


sorry, I hope everything works out.

spencer958

He wants more than friendship now that your out of the way.

iluvcats

I sent you a pm.

it might or might not have anything to do with getting into pants, it just might have to do with "he said, she said" which really gets on my nerves.

FearTheBeard

I do trust him. He has always had that loner type personality. He has been single for more than I can remember. I guess the thing that bothers me is he always said he wishes he could find a girl like my wife and my other friends wife. I think this is due to his personality and being more Asexual. Some of the friends have even questioned if he is gay. I guess if he did try anything I would be shocked :shock: !!

I talked to some of my other friends about this on Friday and all of them said thats its really fucked up that he is not being loyal to me. I do not feel like I can trust him or talk to him because I feel like anything I say will get back to her, which is the last thing I want.

I also agree with what someone else said earlier about in these situations we find ourselves not being friends with both people because the friendship just kind of dissolves for various reasons.

He has not replied to my messages since Friday so we will see. :?

polaris_x

i've run it through the model ... the results are:

there is a 72% chance that he's trying to cut your grass ... his first response to your concern is to dismiss you outright ... real friends don't do that ...

pandora

ucsbflipflop wrote:

I do trust him. He has always had that loner type personality. He has been single for more than I can remember. I guess the thing that bothers me is he always said he wishes he could find a girl like my wife and my other friends wife. I think this is due to his personality and being more Asexual. Some of the friends have even questioned if he is gay. I guess if he did try anything I would be shocked :shock: !!

I talked to some of my other friends about this on Friday and all of them said thats its really fucked up that he is not being loyal to me. I do not feel like I can trust him or talk to him because I feel like anything I say will get back to her, which is the last thing I want.

I also agree with what someone else said earlier about in these situations we find ourselves not being friends with both people because the friendship just kind of dissolves for various reasons.

He has not replied to my messages since Friday so we will see. :?

Maybe he enjoys her friendship more than yours being a little "gay-like?" sounds like you have lots of other friends maybe focus on them.

Cosmo

I guess I'm the only one that agrees with the friend.
I can be friends with both sides of a couple... and it's not just so I can bang the woman. I think friendship is important, especially when there is something as tough as a separation of divorce involved. As a 'Friend', I feel the need to support them... both of them. I won't choose sides... i won't divulge any private conversations with one, to the other.
also... I am not property in their divorce settlement.

soulsinging

jokertt14 wrote:

hate to be so short and blunt ..

BUT THAT DUDE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND ... hes missing with your wife or ex wife .. if i had to guess

Guys have a hard time being friends with girls and not want to fuck them ... i dont care what anyone else says in here ... there just fooling themselves ...

gotta agree with this. on the one hand, the friend shouldn't have to pick sides. on the other, you're not really asking him to. i don't think it's unreasonable to say "i know you guys are friends, but how about meeting for coffee instead of going to her place alone at night for drinks." i'd be pissed. and odds are good they'll end up fucking. he can't help it, she's on the rebound, and it's easy to get carried away in the midst of strong emotion.

iluvcats

Cosmo wrote:

I guess I'm the only one that agrees with the friend.
I can be friends with both sides of a couple... and it's not just so I can bang the woman. I think friendship is important, especially when there is something as tough as a separation of divorce involved. As a 'Friend', I feel the need to support them... both of them. I won't choose sides... i won't divulge any private conversations with one, to the other.
also... I am not property in their divorce settlement.

I've "known" you on these different generations of boards for probably 9 years now. I believe you would keep it private as to what the other one said. From people I've known in the past, I don't believe that most would.

fife

sorry to be blunt but i don't think he is doing anything wrong. i think the bigger issue is why does it bother you that he is hanging out with her? i think ther eare other reason other than "he is my friend" that is coming into play.

fife

ucsbflipflop wrote:

I do trust him. He has always had that loner type personality. He has been single for more than I can remember. I guess the thing that bothers me is he always said he wishes he could find a girl like my wife and my other friends wife. I think this is due to his personality and being more Asexual. Some of the friends have even questioned if he is gay. I guess if he did try anything I would be shocked :shock: !!

I talked to some of my other friends about this on Friday and all of them said thats its really fucked up that he is not being loyal to me. I do not feel like I can trust him or talk to him because I feel like anything I say will get back to her, which is the last thing I want.

I also agree with what someone else said earlier about in these situations we find ourselves not being friends with both people because the friendship just kind of dissolves for various reasons.

He has not replied to my messages since Friday so we will see. :?

i think you have to end the friendship now because as you wrote you don't trust him. i was dating a girl for a while and we broke up and one of my good friends began to date her and i wasn't upset. it all comes down to this, my relationship with the girl didn't work out and if it works for my friend then i respect that. my friend waited til we broke up to do anything and he asked me if it was Ok.

my question is: are you hurt that your friend is still friends with yoru wife or are you more upset becuase you feel that he has picked your wife friend friendship more than your?