Relationship Help

ryanrunning

Wow I can't believe I'm coming here looking for help but here I go.

I started dating my girlfriend during the last semester of my senoir year of high school. Over last summer we became extremely close, and going away to school killed us. She chose to stay closer to home and I chose to go almost 700 miles away. I know she loves me, I have no doubt about that. And I am absolutly in love with her. But recently we have been fighting, and she is questioning my love. She wants me to transfer to a school closer to home so we can be together, but I'm trying to tell her it'll only be 4 years. Long story short, idk what I should do, because I love her so much, but I'm not sure if transferring home is the right answer.

any help would be appreciated

pax

ryan

CJMST3K

Tell her that if your relationship can survive these stresses, from 700 miles away, then when you move back in a few years, you know you can handle a lot of what life will throw at your relationship.

You need to go to school where you will get the best education, for you.

Can you arrange to see her every 2 months or so? Do you see her during summer break?

ryanrunning

I'm seeing her almost every month this semester,and every 2 months next semester, and all summer.

but she keeps on saying that why cant we be together now

CJMST3K

ryanrunning wrote:

I'm seeing her almost every month this semester,and every 2 months next semester, and all summer.

but she keeps on saying that why cant we be together now

Tell her to be a successful couple, long term, you need to be a successful individual in the professional world, and that this particular college is the place where you believe you will be getting the best preparation for that. Tell her its tough, but it's an investment in both of your futures.

ryanrunning

Thanks, when she comes around I'll try to explain that to her

Yield151

you picked this school for a reason, and if she loved you, truely loved you she would support you in that decision. I am certain she is just feeling you are growing up without her and honestly man, you need to. It sounds cliche, but you are young and in order to make this thing work you have to know who you are both as individuals as well as a couple. hang in there man

mickeyrat

Not to be the downer here, but it could be that she is trying to move on and is using this as the excuse.

pandora

CJMST3K wrote:

ryanrunning wrote:

I'm seeing her almost every month this semester,and every 2 months next semester, and all summer.

but she keeps on saying that why cant we be together now

Tell her to be a successful couple, long term, you need to be a successful individual in the professional world, and that this particular college is the place where you believe you will be getting the best preparation for that. Tell her its tough, but it's an investment in both of your futures.

I agree and if love is meant to last it will

Heatherj43

4 years is a very long time. Why not make the move? If I were her, I would question why you wouldn't make this sacrifice.
If I were a betting woman I would bet the distance over a 4 year period, while in college, would break you two up for good.
Just being in college opens up many doors for other realtionships. Although, it may not be intended, lonliness and proximity often makes people meet other people and then become too close.
That's just my 2 cents, 'cuz even if you move back home, the relationship between you two may not work out anyway.
So, I guess you need to prioritize. Why not move?

catefrances

Heatherj43 wrote:

4 years is a very long time. Why not make the move? If I were her, I would question why you wouldn't make this sacrifice.
If I were a betting woman I would bet the distance over a 4 year period, while in college, would break you two up for good.
Just being in college opens up many doors for other realtionships. Although, it may not be intended, lonliness and proximity often makes people meet other people and then become too close.
That's just my 2 cents, 'cuz even if you move back home, the relationship between you two may not work out anyway.
So, I guess you need to prioritize. Why not move?

why doesnt she move to be with him. why should he be the one to move. shes the one bitching about it. making him feel guilty.

Heatherj43

catefrances wrote:

Heatherj43 wrote:

4 years is a very long time. Why not make the move? If I were her, I would question why you wouldn't make this sacrifice.
If I were a betting woman I would bet the distance over a 4 year period, while in college, would break you two up for good.
Just being in college opens up many doors for other realtionships. Although, it may not be intended, lonliness and proximity often makes people meet other people and then become too close.
That's just my 2 cents, 'cuz even if you move back home, the relationship between you two may not work out anyway.
So, I guess you need to prioritize. Why not move?

why doesnt she move to be with him. why should he be the one to move. shes the one bitching about it. making him feel guilty.

Because for her it is moving away from home, her area and his! He wouldn't be moving, just going home. That is why I question why not go back. It sounds like its her question also. Also, I didn't read that he asked her to move where he is.

ryanrunning

I'm in Dayton Ohio, shes in Hemptead New York

CJMST3K

ryanrunning wrote:

I'm in Dayton Ohio, shes in Hemptead New York

I grew up in Garden City, which is in the town of Hempstead.

I'd say, stay in Dayton.

catefrances

Heatherj43 wrote:

catefrances wrote:

Heatherj43 wrote:

4 years is a very long time. Why not make the move? If I were her, I would question why you wouldn't make this sacrifice.
If I were a betting woman I would bet the distance over a 4 year period, while in college, would break you two up for good.
Just being in college opens up many doors for other realtionships. Although, it may not be intended, lonliness and proximity often makes people meet other people and then become too close.
That's just my 2 cents, 'cuz even if you move back home, the relationship between you two may not work out anyway.
So, I guess you need to prioritize. Why not move?

why doesnt she move to be with him. why should he be the one to move. shes the one bitching about it. making him feel guilty.

Because for her it is moving away from home, her area and his! He wouldn't be moving, just going home. That is why I question why not go back. It sounds like its her question also. Also, I didn't read that he asked her to move where he is.

his priority at this stage should be his education. its the foundation of any future they may have together. if she cant see that or isnt willing to support him while hes trying to make himself the best he can be for their future... then hes better off without her

norm

well you're not gonna like hearing this, but you're just starting college and this isn't the time to have a girlfriend nor one that is miles away...there will be lots of people to meet and yes other girls...you guys can stay in touch and see each other on breaks and vacations but i don't think you should commit yourselves at this time in your lives...

South of Seattle

Well there are several layers to this like in any relationship.

Here are things to consider:

Is there a school near her that will offer you a similar education and programs?
You already see her once a month, it's not like you guys are seeing each other 4 times a year.

To me, she is being a whiner. And you may want to also acknowledge MickeyRat's warning as well.

This is your Freshman year right? You've dated her since last spring, which means you've been dating about around 6-8 months maybe?

Just remember you are young and while you love this girl, you can't jeopardize your future. If she really loves you, then she'll support you. Sounds like this is the first big test of the relationship.

Good Luck.

g under p

catefrances wrote:

Heatherj43 wrote:

catefrances wrote:

4 years is a very long time. Why not make the move? If I were her, I would question why you wouldn't make this sacrifice.
If I were a betting woman I would bet the distance over a 4 year period, while in college, would break you two up for good.
Just being in college opens up many doors for other realtionships. Although, it may not be intended, lonliness and proximity often makes people meet other people and then become too close.
That's just my 2 cents, 'cuz even if you move back home, the relationship between you two may not work out anyway.
So, I guess you need to prioritize. Why not move?

why doesnt she move to be with him. why should he be the one to move. shes the one bitching about it. making him feel guilty.

Because for her it is moving away from home, her area and his! He wouldn't be moving, just going home. That is why I question why not go back. It sounds like its her question also. Also, I didn't read that he asked her to move where he is.

catefrances wrote:

his priority at this stage should be his education. its the foundation of any future they may have together. if she cant see that or isnt willing to support him while hes trying to make himself the best he can be for their future... then hes better off without her

I agree with you here because at this point his education is PRIORTY even it means being miles away from her. Without it their future if there's to be one will be far more difficult than what they're currently going through. You're both young look at it as a test a test in your loyalty of love towards each other but make both your educations the utmost at this time.

Peace

justam

Ryan,

I think you're probably both too young to be spending four years in a long distance relationship.

It might be better if you could find a pair of school close together or even go to the same school if you can't imagine breaking up. :geek:

ryanrunning

thanks guys im going to try and explain some stuff to her

Fifthelement

I'm going to agree with Norm and Mickeyrat on this one. You are both very young and entering a period of your lives where you both need to explore and grow. Experiencing all aspects of uni life is really important. If you both spend every (or every other) weekend traveling to see each other, you are both going to miss out. As well, what happens when you have to start missing those weekends for studying, finals, etc.?

In regards to the fighting. This is very common. I don't know if there is a psychological term for it (I'm sure there is), but basically what you both subconsciously (or even consciously ) doing is trying to make a potential break-up easier to cope with. After all, if all you ever do is fight and bitch to each other, then breaking up doesn't seem so bad. I've learned to recognise the signs over the years as my husband is in the armed forces. We've discovered, over the years, that the only time that we ever really fight or bicker is just prior to a deployment.

Regardless, it's time to sit down with your girlfriend and see if you can both get on the same page. Don't sell either of your futures short. An amicable split now always leaves the potential for a future together. Good luck

mca47

Move on, have fun.


You'll thank me later.

Get_Right

norm wrote:

well you're not gonna like hearing this, but you're just starting college and this isn't the time to have a girlfriend nor one that is miles away...there will be lots of people to meet and yes other girls...you guys can stay in touch and see each other on breaks and vacations but i don't think you should commit yourselves at this time in your lives...

100% agree
sow those royal oats!
you have so much life to live
I know of very few high school relationships that survive the 4 years of college-even when they live nearby
see the world
do it all
there are so many beautiful and intelligent women out there-dont deprive yourself of the opportunity to get to know some of them at this point in your life

the wolf

my take on this.

Your education will last you forever. Plain and simple.

Your relationship with her could end at any moment, no matter how much you love one another, and no matter the physical distance between you.

easy choice, go with FOREVER.

if she really does love you , and loves your relationship, she will understand and respect that your education now paves the way for many great years in the future.

good luck bro.


-steve

soulsinging

mickeyrat wrote:

Not to be the downer here, but it could be that she is trying to move on and is using this as the excuse.

odds are good on that. there's no surviving that first year of college. i got my heart ripped out by a girl that way. you're just seeing and experiencing way too many new things. honestly, even if she's not, i suspect the OP has it in the back of his mind. he's going to be meeting a ton of cute coeds and love her or not, that's hard to compete with. might be worth taking a break so you can get things out of your system, and then if you and her still feel strongly next summer, you can try it then. but if she's riding you like this, she's going to make what should be a fun and exciting year for you kinda miserable. then you'll just end up resenting each other. it's also worth thinking about the fact that she demands you move back there... would she consider transfering to come see you? why do you have to give that up? that might be a telling sign... if she wants to stay close to home, get married, and make babies in your hometown and you're more interested in seeing new places and exploring the world... this may not be such a good bet in the long haul man.

soulsinging

Heatherj43 wrote:

4 years is a very long time. Why not make the move? If I were her, I would question why you wouldn't make this sacrifice.
If I were a betting woman I would bet the distance over a 4 year period, while in college, would break you two up for good.
Just being in college opens up many doors for other realtionships. Although, it may not be intended, lonliness and proximity often makes people meet other people and then become too close.
That's just my 2 cents, 'cuz even if you move back home, the relationship between you two may not work out anyway.
So, I guess you need to prioritize. Why not move?

you think he should drop out of college for his 18 year old gf? know what the odds of that lasting anyway are?

soulsinging

Heatherj43 wrote:

catefrances wrote:

Heatherj43 wrote:

4 years is a very long time. Why not make the move? If I were her, I would question why you wouldn't make this sacrifice.
If I were a betting woman I would bet the distance over a 4 year period, while in college, would break you two up for good.
Just being in college opens up many doors for other realtionships. Although, it may not be intended, lonliness and proximity often makes people meet other people and then become too close.
That's just my 2 cents, 'cuz even if you move back home, the relationship between you two may not work out anyway.
So, I guess you need to prioritize. Why not move?

why doesnt she move to be with him. why should he be the one to move. shes the one bitching about it. making him feel guilty.

Because for her it is moving away from home, her area and his! He wouldn't be moving, just going home. That is why I question why not go back. It sounds like its her question also. Also, I didn't read that he asked her to move where he is.

that's what's alarming... if she's the type ready to never leave her hometown and he wants to explore... there are compatibility issues here. if he moves back home, he'll resent her for it forever. if she can't join him, she's just going to be dead weight.

i even got the impression he goes to see her every time and she won't come see him. sounds like this chick is a total homebody, which is a problem.

polaris_x

the best relationships in this world are when two people walk their own path heading in similar directions

Claireack

polaris_x wrote:

the best relationships in this world are when two people walk their own path heading in similar directions

Ditto

Benzor

not gonna lie...it probably wont work. your what, 18 years old? you should be having fun in college not trying to have a long distance relationship. this is coming from a jr in college who has been through a similar situation (much shorter distance though)