A Letter to the Band and Fans
Hey everyone.
I just wanted to share a not so memorable experience I had during the Pearl jam show in Mansfield on 6/28/08. I wasn't sure who to e-mail this to.
I had been dealing with panic attacks for quite some time and though I had anxiety about leaving my home town of Saint John, New Brunswick, Canada I decided I needed to make the trip to see the band because.....well, I'm a jamhead through and through; hence my msn addy jamhead_31.
As I drove through Maine with a good friend of mine I had started to have a panic attack. I took my prescribed ativan, I remember being in a little dinner bathroom on the airline thinking "is this were i'm going to die". Seriously, panic attacks can be that bad. I gathered my senses as best I could and with my friends words of encouragement we continued on to the concert.
It was a scorching hot day. We tailgated in the parking lot, had a few beers though I didn't intoxicate myself. I wanted to have all my senses about me. It's a funny thing with anxiety it's like a little demon in the back of your mind trying to break through. I remember about mid afternoon we made our way to pick up some merchandise; we were the first ones there and loaded up on all kinds of goodies.
As we walked back to the car I could feel a wave come over me and my whole body went to rubber. Again another one, there was a sea of endless cars and I felt like I just needed to get out, to get away so we made our way across the street, down the road with what we could carry to a convenience store. I can still see myself lying on the sidewalk along the store wondering what in the hell I was doing.
I could have at anytime called it quits and drove home but I owed it to myself being a lifelong fan of the greatest band in the world to fight through it. We had called a cab which never came to take us to the hotel room so I could get a few hours sleep before the show. We made our way back to my car where I finally crashed even though we were surrounded by so many people.
As night came and the show drew closer my friend woke me up and we decided to make a plan should anything happen. I told him I wasn't sure if I was going to make it through the show but that I wanted him to stay and see the whole performance. I managed to make it through the first set but as the second set began my friend looked over at me and he knew something was terribly long I can remember the look on his face. I told him I needed to leave right now and I'd meet him back at the car after the show was over. My cell phone had died, I had no charger so I had no way to contact him.
I got to the gates where I informed the people working that I was having a panic attack. the scariest thing about them for me is that your heart races so fast it feel likes it's going to explode out for your chest. They told me to sit down and relax with a very devil may care attitude. I told them I needed to find my friend to which they replied they could only see if he was in his seat. Needless to say when they got back 5 minutes later they informed me he couldn't be located. Turns out he was looking for me thank god.
Before my friend could get back to where I was about 20 minutes had passes and I had repeatedly asked for medical attention but was refused every time. I am sure they just thought I was some guy on drugs. Let me state I am a grown man of 33 years
At no time was anyone working there willing to help me. I had even asked to borrow event staff cell phones so I could call my friend and tell me what kind of shape I was in.
The fact that I was not given any help at the concert even after telling them what was wrong with me only added to my level of panic in that I felt like I was completely on my own. When my good friend showed up he helped me back to the car where we crashed for the night in the parking lot or for at least a few hours from what I recall.
After all was said and done I told myself i would never again go to a show. Having said all that I am now in a place where my panic and anxiety no longer have a hold on me. I am looking forward to going to my 8th Pearl Jam concert in the near future with the strength and knowledge that what doesn't kill you does in fact, truly make you stronger. Through my recovery I distanced myself from a lot of things in order to be able to go back to them if that makes any sense.
My membership has expired but I am going to renew it, with a renewed spirit and love for the band whose music truly did help me though all of my tuff times. Through it all they have inspired me to be strong, to not run, to face my fears and be a betterman. Thank you for taking the time to read this and if you think the band would be interested in hearing my story I freely give my permission to use this letter as you see fit.
Sincerely,
Jeremy Cross aka. jamhead
I just wanted to share a not so memorable experience I had during the Pearl jam show in Mansfield on 6/28/08. I wasn't sure who to e-mail this to.
I had been dealing with panic attacks for quite some time and though I had anxiety about leaving my home town of Saint John, New Brunswick, Canada I decided I needed to make the trip to see the band because.....well, I'm a jamhead through and through; hence my msn addy jamhead_31.
As I drove through Maine with a good friend of mine I had started to have a panic attack. I took my prescribed ativan, I remember being in a little dinner bathroom on the airline thinking "is this were i'm going to die". Seriously, panic attacks can be that bad. I gathered my senses as best I could and with my friends words of encouragement we continued on to the concert.
It was a scorching hot day. We tailgated in the parking lot, had a few beers though I didn't intoxicate myself. I wanted to have all my senses about me. It's a funny thing with anxiety it's like a little demon in the back of your mind trying to break through. I remember about mid afternoon we made our way to pick up some merchandise; we were the first ones there and loaded up on all kinds of goodies.
As we walked back to the car I could feel a wave come over me and my whole body went to rubber. Again another one, there was a sea of endless cars and I felt like I just needed to get out, to get away so we made our way across the street, down the road with what we could carry to a convenience store. I can still see myself lying on the sidewalk along the store wondering what in the hell I was doing.
I could have at anytime called it quits and drove home but I owed it to myself being a lifelong fan of the greatest band in the world to fight through it. We had called a cab which never came to take us to the hotel room so I could get a few hours sleep before the show. We made our way back to my car where I finally crashed even though we were surrounded by so many people.
As night came and the show drew closer my friend woke me up and we decided to make a plan should anything happen. I told him I wasn't sure if I was going to make it through the show but that I wanted him to stay and see the whole performance. I managed to make it through the first set but as the second set began my friend looked over at me and he knew something was terribly long I can remember the look on his face. I told him I needed to leave right now and I'd meet him back at the car after the show was over. My cell phone had died, I had no charger so I had no way to contact him.
I got to the gates where I informed the people working that I was having a panic attack. the scariest thing about them for me is that your heart races so fast it feel likes it's going to explode out for your chest. They told me to sit down and relax with a very devil may care attitude. I told them I needed to find my friend to which they replied they could only see if he was in his seat. Needless to say when they got back 5 minutes later they informed me he couldn't be located. Turns out he was looking for me thank god.
Before my friend could get back to where I was about 20 minutes had passes and I had repeatedly asked for medical attention but was refused every time. I am sure they just thought I was some guy on drugs. Let me state I am a grown man of 33 years
At no time was anyone working there willing to help me. I had even asked to borrow event staff cell phones so I could call my friend and tell me what kind of shape I was in.
The fact that I was not given any help at the concert even after telling them what was wrong with me only added to my level of panic in that I felt like I was completely on my own. When my good friend showed up he helped me back to the car where we crashed for the night in the parking lot or for at least a few hours from what I recall.
After all was said and done I told myself i would never again go to a show. Having said all that I am now in a place where my panic and anxiety no longer have a hold on me. I am looking forward to going to my 8th Pearl Jam concert in the near future with the strength and knowledge that what doesn't kill you does in fact, truly make you stronger. Through my recovery I distanced myself from a lot of things in order to be able to go back to them if that makes any sense.
My membership has expired but I am going to renew it, with a renewed spirit and love for the band whose music truly did help me though all of my tuff times. Through it all they have inspired me to be strong, to not run, to face my fears and be a betterman. Thank you for taking the time to read this and if you think the band would be interested in hearing my story I freely give my permission to use this letter as you see fit.
Sincerely,
Jeremy Cross aka. jamhead
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Comments
1 in four people suffer from mental illness in their lives - how much they suffer is up to the rest of us.
I sincerely hope your next concert experience is a great one - Peace!
Honestly, were I working at that venue, I would have thought your were tripping and there's a good chance I would have ignored you at first. There's so much dope smoke in the air and drug consumption by people at concerts that it's reasonable for venue employees to think someone is "crying wolf" when maybe they're just having a bad trip, don't you think? Not being sarcastic, just posing a question.
Not out of careless disregard, but out of the perspective of people (a vast majority or people) who have never experienced the effects of a panic attack, it would look suspect to me. Especially if I smelled beer on your breath. Cold or not, everybody has a perspective, no?
That said, no. I don't think it was at all unreasonable for you to request the use of a telephone to call your friend. They really dropped the ball on that one. What's the harm in letting someone make a damn phone call? Especially after persistently and respectfully explaining that they were having a medical emergency.
I'm really glad you seem to have overcome this problem and hope that it stays this way so you can get out and enjoy more things in life.