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My unfinished poem...Need suggestions

GiventoFallGiventoFall Posts: 217
edited November 2009 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
Pretty words
O
Eye of my soul
Music to my ears


Can someone help me....I dont know what to do wtih the O. ???
Get over here!
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • Fight to get it back againFight to get it back again Posts: 27
    Open my mind...
    or...
    Open my heart...

    I prefer open my mind.
  • justamjustam Posts: 21,410
    You could say:

    Oh, to know
    or
    Oh, make me whole
    or
    Open the pores!
    or
    Oh beauty behold
    or
    Open, unfold
    or
    Oh, fill this cup

    You have a lot of choices I'd say!! :)
    &&&&&&&&&&&&&&
  • Ms. HaikuMs. Haiku Posts: 7,265
    Pretty words
    O
    Eye of my soul
    Music to my ears
    The texture of this song
    is language that pours strong
    like the red river beneath me

    When I think pretty i think of a sense, and texture is another sense; connnection between song and music from third line;
    music and language may both use the mouth or not, music and language use words or not and may be heard or not;
    soul is deeper than blood, but blood is deeper than what is visible. I definitely didn't play up the visual sense that is more prominent in the original poem.

    I suggest you take the O out. It doesn't add a good pause, and you lose the energy flow. If you work with the original piece without the O you can add more words with energy or hesitation/breath, but with more visual interest.

    Oops I think I have this all wrong. Here we go:

    Pretty words
    Occupationally stretched senses
    Eye of my soul
    Music to my ears
    There is no such thing as leftover pizza. There is now pizza and later pizza. - anonymous
    The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
  • supersonicyearssupersonicyears Posts: 2,619
    edited July 2010
    .
    Post edited by supersonicyears on
    "In the age of darkness
    want to be enlightened"
  • PearlOfAGirlPearlOfAGirl Posts: 15,993
    GiventoFall wrote:
    Pretty words
    O
    Eye of my soul
    Music to my ears


    Can someone help me....I dont know what to do wtih the O. ???
    Open are my arms

    Wish you were here...
    ♥~RIP Dad
  • DangDangDangDang Posts: 1,551
    Pretty words
    Oh, there ain't no bugs on me, there ain't no bugs on me, there might be bugs on some of you lugs, but there ain't no bugs on me
    Eye of my soul
    Music to my ears
  • DangDangDangDang Posts: 1,551
    Pretty Bird
    Oh, say, can YOU see?
    Eggnog, eggnog, get yer Eggnog here
    Mi casa es su casa
  • DangDangDangDang Posts: 1,551
    Post-a-Jam
    Oreo Lips
    Endangerment
    Melancholy Man
  • DangDangDangDang Posts: 1,551
    Pots you never see
    Over and over and over and over
    EEK!
    Mandarine Orange
  • Godfather.Godfather. Posts: 12,504
    Pretty words
    Of war on streets of desire
    Eye of my soul will never see your pain,
    primal screams of victory are
    Music to my ears.
    The Queen's own Knight stands in darkness
    lit by lightning striking his sward.

    primal screams and lightning strikes
    primal desire and pretty words of war,
    listen to the blind man.

    Godfather.
  • chadwickchadwick Posts: 21,157
    GiventoFall wrote:
    Pretty words
    O
    Eye of my soul
    Music to my ears


    Can someone help me....I dont know what to do wtih the O. ???

    what about Orson Wells?
    for poetry through the ceiling. ISBN: 1 4241 8840 7

    "Hear me, my chiefs!
    I am tired; my heart is
    sick and sad. From where
    the sun stands I will fight
    no more forever."
    Chief Joseph - Nez Perce
  • supersonicyearssupersonicyears Posts: 2,619
    .
    "In the age of darkness
    want to be enlightened"
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