sacrifices for your boyfriend/girlfriend

haffajappa

I LOVE TO TRAVEL! One of the things that enticed me to switch schools and go to the university I'm going to now was their international programs where I could study abroad (it definitely wasn't the 1.5 hour commute!). Basically, I've been wanting to study abroad for a while and had decided on going to Japan for a year when the money situations right.

Then, halfway through my first semester there I started dating my boyfriend and we've been going out for almost a year now. I decided to change my mind and start thinking about just doing a semester abroad instead. I planned to go next year to Kyoto for 4 months (by that time i'd hopefully taken 4 language classes - YES, I'm half Japanese and don't speak it shameful i know!).

I've brought this up a couple times and he never liked the idea of me being away but didn't oppose it either because he knew that's what I wanted to do. We both know it'd be hard for both of us. Well the other night he said he didn't want me to go, and when we were talking about it he said if i went then things would be over because he wouldn't be able to handle it (although he said this kind of panicky). I always said I'd never let a boyfriend get in the way of something like this, and I've always thought if we ever broke up and I never did the things i wanted to i'd be kicking myself.

But we're good together and if I had to choose I'd obviously choose him, and its flattering that hes that close to me now, but fuck, what a shitty situation.

Rygar

Go anyway.
If he can't last 4 months than what's he good for?

Nothin'.

The end.

deskilla

nothing last forerver, if he is meant to be, then what's with the worries??
just go

soulsinging

haffajappa wrote:

I LOVE TO TRAVEL! One of the things that enticed me to switch schools and go to the university I'm going to now was their international programs where I could study abroad (it definitely wasn't the 1.5 hour commute!). Basically, I've been wanting to study abroad for a while and had decided on going to Japan for a year when the money situations right.

Then, halfway through my first semester there I started dating my boyfriend and we've been going out for almost a year now. I decided to change my mind and start thinking about just doing a semester abroad instead. I planned to go next year to Kyoto for 4 months (by that time i'd hopefully taken 4 language classes - YES, I'm half Japanese and don't speak it shameful i know!).

I've brought this up a couple times and he never liked the idea of me being away but didn't oppose it either because he knew that's what I wanted to do. We both know it'd be hard for both of us. Well the other night he said he didn't want me to go, and when we were talking about it he said if i went then things would be over because he wouldn't be able to handle it (although he said this kind of panicky). I always said I'd never let a boyfriend get in the way of something like this, and I've always thought if we ever broke up and I never did the things i wanted to i'd be kicking myself.

But we're good together and if I had to choose I'd obviously choose him, and its flattering that hes that close to me now, but fuck, what a shitty situation.

you need to go. if you don't, it will poison your relationship. you will always regret not doing it and wonder what you missed and you'll end up resenting him for it. it sounds like he's kinda insecure, as most people are at that age. but it's something he needs to confront anyway if you two are ever going to work. because otherwise, it won't stop. now it's studying abroad, but if he doesn't learn how to deal, tomorrow it could be girls night out with your friends, and next week coffee with an old hs guy friend. i know. i've been that guy

pjtradeking

As I approach turning 40 next month and am going through a turbulent time in my life and questioning my path and decisions, the best advice I can give you(and this is STRICTLY MY OPINION)...Do NOT sacrifice doing something you have wanted to do for anyone ever! If this was meant to be in any capacity whether it is 4 months or 4 years, you guys will work out after your return. Do not ever, when at all possible, give yourself the opportunity to look back on your life and say WHAT IF I HAD! You only have one life and one chance to do the things you want...Dont lose that opportunity or let it be clouded by a WHAT IF...Good Luck..:-)

polaris_x

i see red flags

you seem relatively young - are you really that good together that he is so insecure that you can't be away for 4 months? ... everyone must choose their own path - the best relationships are ones where that path is going in similar directions ... i dunno how many times girl friends of mine tell me they want to do this and that and they don't cuz of some guy and then they end up regretting it and they break up anyways because if it's not one thing, it's another ... you need to live your life as you want ...

no one should be giving you an ultimatum on anything - it's called emotional blackmail ... having said that - i'm guessing your boyfriend isn't mature enough to see past himself so i'm sure he's not doing it maliciously - simply that he's only thinking for himself which is fairly common these days ...

justam

You should go anyway.

Would you want to be with someone for a long time that gave you ultimatums whenever you wanted to do something he didn't want you to do? Can you imagine how restrictive that could turn out to be in general?! :shock:

Four months really isn't very long to be away if you love somebody.

haffajappa

All very good points.

I'm not sure how seriously I am taking the ultimatum because like i said, he said it i think as a last resort to get me to think about staying.

The thing is, I know he does certain things in order to deal with things in his life, ways I don't approve of and make me worry about him. Last time I went away he sounded really bad on the phone.
He doesn't exactly have a loving family and I think has grown attached to mine (he was actually my brother's friend before we started dating) my mom loves him and he's over at my place a lot. I don't think the insecurities are about what I'll do when I'm away or that we wouldn't still be together when we get back, I think it'll just be a really really hard 4 months for him and he won't deal with it well and he knows he won't.

He used to be REALLY independent though that's why I never thought twice about it before.

pjtradeking

haffajappa wrote:

All very good points.

I'm not sure how seriously I am taking the ultimatum because like i said, he said it i think as a last resort to get me to think about staying.

The thing is, I know he does certain things in order to deal with things in his life, ways I don't approve of and make me worry about him. Last time I went away he sounded really bad on the phone.
He doesn't exactly have a loving family and I think has grown attached to mine (he was actually my brother's friend before we started dating) my mom loves him and he's over at my place a lot. I don't think the insecurities are about what I'll do when I'm away or that we wouldn't still be together when we get back, I think it'll just be a really really hard 4 months for him and he won't deal with it well and he knows he won't.

He used to be REALLY independent though that's why I never thought twice about it before.

HE did this...HE does that...HE use to be this or that....Not really a whole lot about YOU in there....just saying...:-)

Rygar

haffajappa wrote:

All very good points.

I'm not sure how seriously I am taking the ultimatum because like i said, he said it i think as a last resort to get me to think about staying.

The thing is, I know he does certain things in order to deal with things in his life, ways I don't approve of and make me worry about him. Last time I went away he sounded really bad on the phone.
He doesn't exactly have a loving family and I think has grown attached to mine (he was actually my brother's friend before we started dating) my mom loves him and he's over at my place a lot. I don't think the insecurities are about what I'll do when I'm away or that we wouldn't still be together when we get back, I think it'll just be a really really hard 4 months for him and he won't deal with it well and he knows he won't.

He used to be REALLY independent though that's why I never thought twice about it before.

He'll get over it and everything will be fine, he's just panicking instead of thinking.

soulsinging

polaris_x wrote:

i see red flags

you seem relatively young - are you really that good together that he is so insecure that you can't be away for 4 months? ...

yeah, that seems totally backwards. if you are really that good, you should be able to survive 4 months. maybe not easily, but it shouldn't be a death sentence for the relationship.

an example... me and my ex. she went on a 10 day spring break trip and met someone else. it sucked, but if 10 days was too long, what does that say about how strong our relationship really was, even if we both wanted to believe otherwise? conversely, that very same guy became her next bf and the next year she did a full semester all over europe. given how he met her, that couldn't have been easy for him to feel confident about. but clearly what they had was strong enough because they're engaged now. if she hadnt gone on that spring break trip, maybe we'd have stayed together then, but clearly it would not have lasted and then she would have regretted not going and possibly missed out on meeting her future husband, and i'd still have been just as hurt in the end.

i'm not saying you should look for ways to 'test' your s.o., but if it's truly a sound and strong relationship, it has to be able to withstand adversity like that. and if you truly mean so much to him, he should be able to put aside his fears to support you in something that means so much to you and would make you so happy.

polaris_x

haffajappa wrote:

I LOVE TO TRAVEL!

clearly not enough if you are thinking of not going ... you must choose your own path ... that path could mean you stay put for a while - but you must make those decisions for the right reasons ...

i love to travel as well and trust me - once you unleash the beast that is discovery of foreign places and culture - there's no turning back ...

and like ss said - he should be supporting you in your aspirations

satanrules616

There is no easy solution to this situation except to keep talking with your friend and understanding the variables involved. In fact, it's a classic ill-structured problem. It would be easy to blame your friend for being selfish, but that's very human - there is no shame in wanting to keep close something you treasure as there is no shame in fearing loss of something you care for. If the relationship is important to you two individually and both of you collectively (look at your relationship as existing entirely outside of your individual selves as an entity of its own), then it might be important to sacrifice individual needs for a collective good. Compromises are what relationships are about. I won't wish you good luck, because as in most relationships, you will be making your own luck regardless of the decision you take. Continue the conversation with your friend ... the input we offer on this board can only take you this far.

Rygar

vivekvenkatesh wrote:

There is no easy solution to this situation except to keep talking with your friend and understanding the variables involved. In fact, it's a classic ill-structured problem. It would be easy to blame your friend for being selfish, but that's very human - there is no shame in wanting to keep close something you treasure as there is no shame in fearing loss of something you care for. If the relationship is important to you two individually and both of you collectively (look at your relationship as existing entirely outside of your individual selves as an entity of its own), then it might be important to sacrifice individual needs for a collective good. Compromises are what relationships are about. I won't wish you good luck, because as in most relationships, you will be making your own luck regardless of the decision you take. Continue the conversation with your friend ... the input we offer on this board can only take you this far.

Pretty good advice!
Did you register just for that?

decides2dream

Rygar wrote:

Go anyway.
If he can't last 4 months than what's he good for?

Nothin'.

The end.

^^^THIS.
seriously.
if your BF can't handle it, then i am sorry, he doesn't love you enough. don't mean to sound harsh, but it's what i think. i met my husband(then BF) and we just started dating and i told him, 4 months from now i'll be studying in london for 4 months. he wasn't thrilled, but of course he was supportive. also gave him the chance to come visit me, travel, and took me to paris. i thien decided towards the end of my semester i wanted to stay. he was not happy. again tho, he was supportive of my choices b/c he knew i had to do what i wanted. i stayed 2 more semesters. (obviously, went a home here or there, he visited, etc). so overall, i was gone 1.5 years. you cannot let anyone hold you back. if they love you, they will be supportive. also, had given the go-ahead for both of us to date others if we so desired, the ole...if we're meant to be, we'll be. and we were and are. married 17 years. 4 years ago i went to study in prague for 6 weeks. i was planning on staying 4 months initially. hubby was fully supportive. he too has had to go away for 2 months for study/work....i was totally supportive. that's as it should be. but HELL YES, if you are dating, in college, cmon.....you absolutely need to do what's right for YOU. go to japan!

katellis

good lord, you need to GO! studying abroad was the best decision i made in college .. it is truly a once-in-a-lifetime experience and if you don't go, you will regret it forever. don't let this guy hold you back. have him come visit you at some point during the four months. if you don't want to stay that long, maybe find a shorter summer program.
if its not meant to be, its not meant to be. he should be supportive of you doing something so exciting.

Claireack

You're still relatively early in your relationship, your actions now will set the patterns of your relationship for the future. If he loves you it's for who you are and that includes travel. If you want to go, go.

stargirl69

Oh this is a huge red flag :?

I'd be careful with this relationship without anything to do with your travel plans.
Your situation reads like he's playing an emotional blackmail game and you do not want to get into that being a part of your relationship EVER ..... a relationship is not about "if you do/don't do this I'll do/won't do this" .... tread carefully.

As for your plans you must go ... this is about your education,career and future.Ask yourself does he have a place in that long term future?

Please take care of you.Good luck

Rygar

stargirl69 wrote:

Oh this is a huge red flag :?

I'd be careful with this relationship without anything to do with your travel plans.
Your situation reads like he's playing an emotional blackmail game and you do not want to get into that being a part of your relationship EVER ..... a relationship is not about "if you do/don't do this I'll do/won't do this" .... tread carefully.

I dunno if I'd go that far (yet). Just sounds like someone who isn't thinking or considering someone else, which doesn't mean they can't

stargirl69

Rygar wrote:

stargirl69 wrote:

Oh this is a huge red flag :?

I'd be careful with this relationship without anything to do with your travel plans.
Your situation reads like he's playing an emotional blackmail game and you do not want to get into that being a part of your relationship EVER ..... a relationship is not about "if you do/don't do this I'll do/won't do this" .... tread carefully.

I dunno if I'd go that far (yet). Just sounds like someone who isn't thinking or considering someone else, which doesn't mean they can't

I understand your point but I wouldn't entirely ignore early signs of a possible imbalance.Think age (youth) may be a factor

Rygar

stargirl69 wrote:

Rygar wrote:

stargirl69 wrote:

Oh this is a huge red flag :?

I'd be careful with this relationship without anything to do with your travel plans.
Your situation reads like he's playing an emotional blackmail game and you do not want to get into that being a part of your relationship EVER ..... a relationship is not about "if you do/don't do this I'll do/won't do this" .... tread carefully.

I dunno if I'd go that far (yet). Just sounds like someone who isn't thinking or considering someone else, which doesn't mean they can't

I understand your point but I wouldn't entirely ignore early signs of a possible imbalance.Think age (youth) may be a factor

I agree with age, but not I think it's a bit early to jump to signs of mental problems
I'd give him a chance to see the light first

decides2dream

Rygar wrote:

I agree with age, but not I think it's a bit early to jump to signs of mental problems
I'd give him a chance to see the light first

nah, just very needy.
hopefully he will see the light, and it;s a change to grow, mature, be less needy....and would actually benefit the relationship. i do agree, ultimatums are rarely a good idea, but most especially in a young/early relationship....too controlling/limiting. bad sign. but you bet, he does have the opportunity to turn that around.

Rygar

decides2dream wrote:

ultimatums are rarely a good idea

Agreed!

stargirl69

I understand your point but I wouldn't entirely ignore early signs of a possible imbalance.Think age (youth) may be a factor [/quote]
I agree with age, but not I think it's a bit early to jump to signs of mental problems
I'd give him a chance to see the light first[/quote]

:shock: ... Oh Jeez I didn't mean a "mental problem" imbalance :? I meant an imbalance in the relationship.Calling the shot's,ultamatum,that kind of stuff ain't good.

decides2dream

stargirl69 wrote:

:shock: ... Oh Jeez I didn't mean a "mental problem" imbalance :? I meant an imbalance in the relationship.Calling the shot's,ultamatum,that kind of stuff ain't good.

power-trippy stuff. yep. not a good sign. relationships should be well-balanced, no one person should make all the decisions, exert control, call all the shots as it were....at ANY age, but most especially a young age.

stargirl69

decides2dream wrote:

stargirl69 wrote:

:shock: ... Oh Jeez I didn't mean a "mental problem" imbalance :? I meant an imbalance in the relationship.Calling the shot's,ultamatum,that kind of stuff ain't good.

power-trippy stuff. yep. not a good sign. relationships should be well-balanced, no one person should make all the decisions, exert control, call all the shots as it were....at ANY age, but most especially a young age.

Absolutely

Lauri

GO!!!!!

As you said yourself, if you end up breaking up, you will regret not going. And I believe that you truly love your boyfriend now. But you are in college, you are very young, and the fact is, there is a high probability that you will break up someday. On the flip side, you could end up spending the rest of your lives together, and then a school year apart is NOTHING.

Your boyfriend is being a baby. You will go abroad, you will have the experience you have dreamed of for yourself, and if the relationship suffers then it wasn't the ideal relationship anyway, so no loss.

haffajappa

I'm not panicking, application dates aren't for another semester from now.

I think he is not in a very good place right now and needs me more than usual. I don't want to paint him as needy or controlling, that's not what he is. He is in a really tough situation right now with work and family, but I know that will change in a few weeks (even though he doesn't think so).

I'm not approaching him about the subject for a few more weeks since I have time. Once he settles into his new jobs (he just graduated but has had a hard time finding work until now - so he has no money and is very stressed) then he'll be pre-occupied and thinking about grad school. When we were snowboarding last year we talked about me leaving for a year while he went to school. Everything was fine then, so I know its just a phase right now in a tough time that he doesn't want to let go.

Lol or maybe he just is mental!

Rygar

stargirl69 wrote:

:shock: ... Oh Jeez I didn't mean a "mental problem" imbalance :? I meant an imbalance in the relationship.Calling the shot's,ultamatum,that kind of stuff ain't good.

Oh, my bad

stargirl69

Rygar wrote:

stargirl69 wrote:

:shock: ... Oh Jeez I didn't mean a "mental problem" imbalance :? I meant an imbalance in the relationship.Calling the shot's,ultamatum,that kind of stuff ain't good.

Oh, my bad

:roll: