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Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

JD SalJD Sal Posts: 790
edited July 2013 in All Encompassing Trip
"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."

"I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway."
"If no one sees you, you're not here at all"
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • Thorns2010Thorns2010 Posts: 2,200
    The smart man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe, but the stupid man will find some seaweed and roll around until he's all covered in it and go, 'Hey! I'm vine man!'
  • Jearlpam0925Jearlpam0925 Posts: 16,955
    "Instead of a regular arm, Carl had been born with a pigeon's wing. The odd thing was, all through his life, no one had ever laughed at his wing -- not even the mean kids at school. Then one day he realized why: He looked in the mirror and saw that he was a pigeon. He shit right there, as he often did, wherever he was."
  • WildsWilds Posts: 4,329
    “I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.”
  • YourDirtisMyfoodYourDirtisMyfood Posts: 4,636
    “I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.”
  • WildsWilds Posts: 4,329
    “Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.”
  • mbangel10mbangel10 Posts: 548
    "Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done."
    Pitt 98, Pitt 00, Cleveland 03, Pitt 03, State College 03, Toledo 04, Toronto 05, Pitt 05, Cleveland 06, Pitt 06 & Chicago 07, Chicago 1&2 09, Philly 2,3,4 09, Cleveland 10, Columbus 10, Alpine Valley 1& 2 11
  • supersonicyearssupersonicyears Posts: 2,619
    mbangel10 wrote:
    "Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done."
    Was that you :shock:









    :D
    "In the age of darkness
    want to be enlightened"
  • Hugh Freaking DillonHugh Freaking Dillon Posts: 14,010
    :D
    Gimli 1993
    Fargo 2003
    Winnipeg 2005
    Winnipeg 2011
    St. Paul 2014
  • Hugh Freaking DillonHugh Freaking Dillon Posts: 14,010
    http://www.deepthoughtsbyjackhandey.com/
    Gimli 1993
    Fargo 2003
    Winnipeg 2005
    Winnipeg 2011
    St. Paul 2014
  • SatansFutonSatansFuton Posts: 5,399
    Laurie got offended when I used the word "puke". But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like - Jack Handey
    "See a broad to get dat booty yak 'em, leg 'er down, a smack 'em yak 'em!"
  • jammergirljammergirl Posts: 599
    He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
  • SatansFutonSatansFuton Posts: 5,399
    "Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet."
    "See a broad to get dat booty yak 'em, leg 'er down, a smack 'em yak 'em!"
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