What to tell the kids... (need advice)
Corey Lynn
Posts: 681
I know there are people with kids on here that may be able to give some advice to me about my nephews. This is the only message board that I am on and have gotten some advice in the past. Any is appreciated.
My brother in law is in jail. He did some really stupid things in his life and has made some really bad choices. My sister and him were on the verge of divorce when the most recent thing happened. My brother in law is facing 2 to 10 years. I have spent the last 3 days trying to put the pieces back together with my sister and to keep things as normal as possible for the kids. I have 2 nephews. Jim is 7 and Frankie is 6.
We are planning on getting some therapy for the kids as soon as possible. The severity of this situation is like nothing we have had to encounter in the past. We have told the boys that their dad is at work so far. We are trying to protect them as much as possible, but I am sure they sense that something is going on. Dad is not home anymore.
We are waiting for the sentence before we sit them down and tell them something. We have no idea what to tell them. We have gotten some advice to not be honest with them. The problem with this is that at some point I am sure they will hear someone talking about their dad being in jail. I also do not want them to feel like they were lied to when they do find out.
Does anyone have any advice for us? I do not have children and my nephews are like my kids. They really deserve a fair chance at a good life and we do not want to do anything that will interfere with their happiness.
It breaks my heart that these two little people have to be affected by this. Please help if you can.
My brother in law is in jail. He did some really stupid things in his life and has made some really bad choices. My sister and him were on the verge of divorce when the most recent thing happened. My brother in law is facing 2 to 10 years. I have spent the last 3 days trying to put the pieces back together with my sister and to keep things as normal as possible for the kids. I have 2 nephews. Jim is 7 and Frankie is 6.
We are planning on getting some therapy for the kids as soon as possible. The severity of this situation is like nothing we have had to encounter in the past. We have told the boys that their dad is at work so far. We are trying to protect them as much as possible, but I am sure they sense that something is going on. Dad is not home anymore.
We are waiting for the sentence before we sit them down and tell them something. We have no idea what to tell them. We have gotten some advice to not be honest with them. The problem with this is that at some point I am sure they will hear someone talking about their dad being in jail. I also do not want them to feel like they were lied to when they do find out.
Does anyone have any advice for us? I do not have children and my nephews are like my kids. They really deserve a fair chance at a good life and we do not want to do anything that will interfere with their happiness.
It breaks my heart that these two little people have to be affected by this. Please help if you can.
If I knew where it was I would take you there. There's much more than this
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i'm far from an expert, but you have to tell them the truth. kids are not stupid, they will soon tire of the 'dad's at work excuse' and demand more answers. if it was me, i'd be asking the therapists, or hunting around everywhere for some literature to help me explain things to them on their level. there's awesome books around, that i have seen for people coping with how to explain to their children they are ill, or why has gramma died, etc. reassure them that they are safe with you and be there to pick up the pieces. kids are resilient
edit: here, i found this, i hope it helps. it covers pretty much everything you're probably going to come across.
http://www.oregon.gov/DOC/PUBAFF/docs/o ... ooklet.pdf
I just talked to my sister and she said that her oldest asked where dad was when they got home tonight. She said that he had to go away for a while. He then said that it is impossible because dads car is still outside. She told him someone drove him. That was an acceptable explanation for now. But, then he said "what if i'm on the playground and something happens and your not there" and " What if the sky falls and takes you away". She reassured him that she will always be there for him. He came out of his room and wanted to sleep in my sisters bed when I was on the phone with her. I told her it is not a good thing to start doing.
I am so pissed off that at my brother in law for his stupid stupid decisions. Also, he is my friend, but I cannot dwell on that right now. Things are as they are.
I know I just laid my whole life out there, but I guess I needed to say it...I am sleep deprived and my brain hurts. Thank you for the responses so far. I just wish that people would step back and look at all the people that will be affected when they do selfish or irrational things.
Just another chapter of my life. Thanks for listening : )
If I knew where it was I would take you there. There's much more than this
I also agree especially after you know how long he'll be sentenced, it's best to tell them the truth and keep it simple. Children at that age are amazingly smart, my daughter at age 6 learned in a year and half 127 capitals around the world. I love geography but she blew me away with what she learned and how fast.
As the years go by continue to speak with them as their questions will be coming. When they get older around age 10 after some preparation they may ask and or maybe ready for a visit to see their father.
Peace
*MUSIC IS the expression of EMOTION.....and that POLITICS IS merely the DECOY of PERCEPTION*
.....song_Music & Politics....Michael Franti
*The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite INSANE*....Nikola Tesla(a man who shaped our world of electricity with his futuristic inventions)
Best of luck whatever you choose.
I don't have kids and don't know how I would ever be able to break the news to them if I did, but I agree that you have to be honest with them. They need to be able to trust you and their mom and if they find out they were lied to (and they would find out eventually) that would probably hurt them even more.
In my state, there are programs specifically for kids whose parent(s) is incarcerated. They do counseling and that kind of stuff. I think they also teach the parents how to be the best parents they can be from jail. Maybe there are similar programs where you live.
Good luck. My thoughts and prayers will be with your nephews.
I would tell them the truth. You may have to go into telling them what jail is and why we have such a thing.
My grandson just turned 8 in August. His mom went to jail, only overnight, last weekend. I took him with me to bail her out. He even got to go to the bondsman office.
I was crying at one point and my grandson said, "she's only been there one day". He didn't take it as serious or bad as I did. Kids are way more resilent than us and seem better able to take this kind of news, as long as they know they are still safe.
Of course the kids know someting is different. You are not helping by being quiet about it. They know something's wrong and then see everyone around them lying while being sad, etc. It only adds to their fears and worry. Once you tell them, they will not have to guess what is wrong. I will bet they are wondering in their heads what's up and may even think worse than the truth! They could be wondering if he died.
I explained what jail is and as we walked up to the jail my grandson started getting the impression it was like a hotel. I had to tell him it was bad and explain why and how it was bad. He could smell food cooking, he saw the little windows and I told him that was where they slept, etc. As I got to the front doors, I thought, shit it is like a hotel from this view.
The kids should lso be allowed to visit him in jail.
I know some people who have life sentences and their kids see them. They started when they were little.
If all of you are acting like something bad happened, the kids are scared RIGHT NOW!!! They will feel more secure and safe with the truth than everyone saying he's at work, yet acting like something's wrong. Kids sense this tuff no matter how much you try to hide it. The may have already overheard some of it.
Tell them only what they want to hear, at their level. They may come back at another time with more questions and tell them as they ask. They won't know what they want to ask until they absorb that he's in jail first.
I have always tried to be open an honest with my son. Kids have great imagination and the truth is often not as bad as what they think. From personal experience; my mum packed up and walked out on my dad, leaving us with him (twice), both times she just went and never told us. For years this caused problems for me and it wasn't until I sat down and talked to her about it that I found out her reasons for doing it. If she had told me at the time it would have prevented years of heartache, but at 9 and 10 she didn't think I would understand. Whereas being told and reassured in a loving way would have been far better for me.
Good luck and hope things go well.
What's done is done, now it must become a teaching moment.
...
I don't know this guy... and I don't know his character. But, it all comes down to him. Is he a father that wants his sons to live a better life than his? Or is he just a fool with a dick that made 2 babies? Only he knows that answer.
Hail, Hail!!!
but you have to tell the truth and remind them that they are still loved and protected...and hopefully this won't be forever.
I feel for you because they are so young. You will know what to say when the time comes. Good luck.
We decided that we will tell them the truth sooner instead of later. They did not talk about it today and were concentrating on homework and having fun. Frankie (the youngest) has been quite defiant since this happened and Jim (the oldest) is becoming very clingy to us and keeps wanting reassurance that we are not going anywhere.
Very soon we will have to sit them down and explain that their dad made some bad choices and has to pay the consequences of this. We will assure them that their dad still loves them and that we will be there for them.
The kids are already starting to show some improvement now that their dad is removed from the situation. Home has not been a very nice place for them and we have a lot of work to do to make things right.
Thank you all again. Any advice is appreciated. I guess I am glad that this is new territory for us and is not something that we are used to. I hope that someday my brother in law can have a relationship with the boys and be a part of their lives.
If I knew where it was I would take you there. There's much more than this
When I wrote that my daughter went to jail last weekend, my grandson is not use to that stuff either. I took him with me for a number of reasons, the main one being that his dad died 2 years ago. He was home with his stepdad, who caused my daughter to go to jail, when I showed up. He seemed worried, frightened, and mad. I decided rather quickly that he would benefit from being with me, even if it meant going to the jail with me to get his mom out.
He did not react bad to going. I was the one who cried and all that stuff. He said to me, "she's only been there one day gramma". He wasn't worried one bit, especially after he saw the jail. As I wrote, he started getting the impression it was like a hotel.
His mother and I had to talk to him afterwards to let him know it was far from a hotel. We don't want him to think it's a breeze and not worry about going when he gets older. He neds to know its no picnic, yet I also didn't want him to worry about his mom.
Tell the kids the truth. They will be fine and snap back into their old selves.
Good luck to all of you.