I need some sound advice please

not for me?

Last week my older brother Aaron died. He was 21 years old. Since then everything has been so much harder, and things I have always found joy in don't even come close to satisfying me. I can barely eat, sleep, and music has lost almost all meaning. His memorial service was today, and I spoke in front of the church and shared about mine and my brothers relationship. The last line I said that I just can't stop thinking about is, "Aaron became my friend, but he was, and will always be my brother". I can barely even keep on my current thoughts before I get thinking about something else. If anyone has been through a similar situation please help me. I desperately need something.

not for me?

I just keep replaying in my mind walking into his room and seeing him dead in the floor. I lost my only brother. I love him so much.

MrMerkinball

I am probably not qualified.. but here goes:

* Don't fight what you are feeling. You will stop thinking about your brother all the time, only when you are ready to.
* It's a good thing to feel sad. If you didn't - then there is a problem
* Look for a positive. How can you make your brothers death mean something?
* Make your brother proud with the way you grow up.

Also - not trying to sound like a douche......the moderators will probably move this thread to All Encompassing Trip. I just don't want you to look for your thread and not be able to find it.

Best of luck, and hang in there

SKELLER

The best advice I can give you is go tell someone who loves you (your family/friends) what you just said in this post rather then bunch of strangers.

Cinnamon Girl

I'm so sorry. It's these kind of things that make me realize how petty my problems are.

I wish I had some advice other than to surround yourself with your family and friends right now. It's the safest place to be.

I can't even imagine what you must be feeling. :(

Gary Carter

the best adivce i can give you is go to counseling right away. just talk to them and let him/her hear what you have to say. it won't do you any good to bottle those thoughts and feelings and anger up.

sorry for your loss. my thoughts are with you and your family

ofthegirl75

My best advise is to let it all out. Cry, yell, scream. Talk about him, remember the good times. Write your feelings down in a journal. Don't close-up. It will get better eventually. Find peace.

SPEEDY MCCREADY

not for me? wrote:

Last week my older brother Aaron died. He was 21 years old. Since then everything has been so much harder, and things I have always found joy in don't even come close to satisfying me. I can barely eat, sleep, and music has lost almost all meaning. His memorial service was today, and I spoke in front of the church and shared about mine and my brothers relationship. The last line I said that I just can't stop thinking about is, "Aaron became my friend, but he was, and will always be my brother". I can barely even keep on my current thoughts before I get thinking about something else. If anyone has been through a similar situation please help me. I desperately need something.

It will take some time to fully recover from your loss. But you will have no choice but to move on. I buried my only brother Mark, 10 years ago, and believe me, the pain really never goes away. But in time, you realize you have no choice but to move on with your life. In the meantime, spend time with your parents, and other family members, along with friends. Spend time with people you love. Get together and share stories and bring up good times and memories that were shared with your brother Aaron. It will help ease your pain.

I am very sorry for the loss of your brother Aaron.

Michael

hitman

Man, that is tough. Very sorry to hear it. Thank you for sharing it with us and reaching out to the "community" for support. It sounds like a lot of us can relate, unfortunately... and I think "talking" about it (even on this board, with people you don't really know) is the best way to come to grips with it. As you said, he will always be your brother. Eventually, down the road, your memory of him will focus on his life and not the end.

Please feel free to continue looking for help here, we're all in this thing together. Feel free to PM me if there's anything you just need to say but don't feel comfortable doing it in the public forum. Talking about things is the best way to go. You've taken the first of many steps and that is so important.

State of Mind

Dear not for me?,
You sound so sad and grief stricken and have suffered a loss many people at a young age never have to even imagine. My heart goes out to you. Feeling desperate, unable to concentrate and having trouble finding meaning in joyful things is normal even though it is so very painful. When people are so overwhelmed with grief that they are losing the ability to function, there are some things you can try. One is to give yourself time, I mean actually set aside an hour or two during the day, when you are going to let yourself be focused on your grief and feel it. You may even need to do this a few times throughout the day. Then when you start feeling sad, you won't also have guilt because you know that you are going to devote yourself to your grief during that specific time you have set aside.

During the times when you are not devoting yourself to grieving, you could follow Speedy McCready's advice. He has given you sound advice about spending time with people you love and who also loved your brother, especially because of also experiencing a loss like yours.
I'm so sorry about your brother.
Anna

DeLukin

Time eventually heals all wounds. The feelings you are feeling are valid and real but will fade. Give it some time and hang in there, ok?

tremors

You are standing on rock bottom. But you are in the right place here. I and a lot of people in this community have stood at the bottom of a different pit. There is nothing that I can say which will make this easier for you, but if you start to look around you, you will find many sources of strength from which to stand upright and start walking again.

The reason I am standing here looking at you face to face and looking you in the eye is because I believe the words and music in this community can help you come through this, as they have for many of us. Music, words and emotions are a bedrock from which to dig when you are faced with your deepest fears and horrors. Some people here have suffered grief and shock to a level that the rest of us can barely imagine, and still smile and are still strong. Knowing that other people understand how hard and cold life can get can be a great source of hope.

I am going to repeat some song lines below which although they may appear light and quick in print, they are not light in the slightest. You will find them differently formed echoing within the music.

We are here beside you and we will still be here tomorrow. The love for your brother is real, and it is enduring. Words are solid, and not one of them will ever disappear now. The words of strangers can help because they are blank like stone, free of emotional spin. solid.




Float with the now
Swear if you must
Keeping your boots on
Concrete underground
Hot to the touch




The mind is grey
Like the city
Packing in and overgrown
Love is deep
Dig it out
Standing in a hole alone.




And I wished for so long
Cannot stay
All the precious moments
Cannot stay
It's not like wings have fallen
Cannot stay
But still something's missing
I cannot say.

Holding hands are daughters and sons
And their faiths are falling down, down, down, down
I have wished for so long. How I wish for you today.

I have wished for so long
How I wish for you again



lots of love to you, nfm

tremors

mfc2006

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your brother. It is never easy to lose a sibling and my thoughts & prayers are with you & your family. All I can suggest is what others have said. Spend time with your family & do not fight the feelings that are bubbling at the surface. I won't lie & say that it'll be easy, because it won't be at all. In time, you will start to feel better.

Again, thoughts are with you. May your brother rest in peace.
Matt

pandora

I agree time heals but you are young and he so young to leave this world that it will be hard to make sense of this. You will need help from family and friends.
I too lost my eldest sister and what I can tell you that time does
it brings that lost soul closer to you. I feel my big sister is there for me. I fondly remember the wonderful things she did for me growing up how highly she thought of me and encouraged me when I needed it.
Remembering her support gives me support even today. When you have a loving bond like this that person is never truly gone, your needs will keep your brother close throughout your life.
I am so sorry,be there for your parents they must be hurting so much now.

DewieCox

Everybody grieves their own way. It's so surreal losin somebody that close and nobody can tell you how to mourn, so whatever you're feeling about it, just let it flow. Time heals.

I'm sending bonus thoughts your way. Today is the anniversary of me and my baby bro's first PJ show, and 8/22 is the day he was killed, so I'm really lookin forward to the Chicago shows. The day before he left us we got tix to the VFC show in St Louis. Now THAT was therapeutic.

2-feign-reluctance

not for me? wrote:

Last week my older brother Aaron died. He was 21 years old. Since then everything has been so much harder, and things I have always found joy in don't even come close to satisfying me. I can barely eat, sleep, and music has lost almost all meaning. His memorial service was today, and I spoke in front of the church and shared about mine and my brothers relationship. The last line I said that I just can't stop thinking about is, "Aaron became my friend, but he was, and will always be my brother". I can barely even keep on my current thoughts before I get thinking about something else. If anyone has been through a similar situation please help me. I desperately need something.

you should go talk to someone mate. seriously. a chat board is not the place to start healing from that.

Fifthelement

I am so sorry for your loss nfm. A lot of great advice has already been posted and I don't really have anything to add - I just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and good vibes are being sent your way. Peace to you and your family.

RIP Aaron

OGT92

Sorry to hear of your big loss. I don't know the situation you are in I could only image, as I have all my siblings. It must be really hard, and I just cannot give advice, only that you have to somehow go on. Again, I'm sorry.

HeavyHands

One foot in front of the other, friend. It will take a long time, but you will find a new equilibrium. It's important to understand that: You won't go back to being the same as you were, so don't become dismayed if things seem off or different. You're on a new path now. Just put one foot in front of the other.

All the best,

HeavyHands

vedderfan10

Sorry for your loss - that's just really really rough...

But cut yourself some slack, dude....it's only been a week....as others have said, you have to allow yourself to feel every single emotion you feel like feeling (you know what I mean)....it's OK to feel however you're going to feel... embrace it...break stuff and scream out loud...

And give yourself a lot of time....

5882300

So sorry. Thoughts are going out to you.

dawng

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. There is a lot of good advice above...but you really should talk to your doctor.

My older brother was shot & killed by his roomate over twenty years ago. I still cry when I think of the way his life ended.

In my experience, the things that helped most was a mix of talking to family/friends, MUSIC - there were times when I would just drive for hours listening to music...not wanting to think just drive & listen. Books are a good escape - try Fantasy or Sci Fi - something so far from this world that you get a break from the numbness. And as someone said above - keep putting one foot in front of the other.

-dawn

dirtyfrank2005

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you're going through. Considering you found your brother, you really need to go to counseling. Talking to others and not bottling up emotions has helped me in the past. Remember him the way he was when he was alive and try to focus on happy memories. Its only been a week. Give it some time.

Love to you and your family,
dirtyfrank2005

Writingjunkie

Deepest Sympathies NFM...

Loss like that is never easy, but I think a lot of the advice given by the other board members is spot on. Focus on the good times, be near friends and family, seek some counseling if you feel like it could do any good.

Truly sorry to hear about your loss,

-WJ

Laf9124

Truly sorry for your loss. I lost my best friend, who was like a brother to me, in 2006. Think of the good times, the happy memories, and try to push forward. If you ever need anything--even to vent, shoot me a private message. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

not for me?

Thank you everyone so much for everything you have said. When I originally posted it was about 4 AM and I was feeling especially terrible. I felt that you people could offer some insight and advice, and it was better than I expected. And I have been talking with my family and friends, and it is helping. I grabbed my Nebraska-Bruce Springsteen disc today and drove for a couple of listens, which really helped. Most of you wrote some beautiful and and inspiring things, and I am truly thankful.

Nathan