Family vacation - advice needed please
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Posts: 6,651
I love my family, but I hate the dynamics of traveling with them. We really only travel together for weddings & funerals… and now we have a wedding coming up in Mexico.
One of my primary issues is my mom. I feel guilty even typing this because my mom is an angel and is so good to me, but there’s much I don’t enjoy about traveling with her. For one thing, she’s not a seasoned traveler and gets stressed out about everything from directions to whether or not to take her shoes off at airport security to why her camera memory filled up when she’s taking pictures of every little crack in the sidewalk. Secondly, she snores like a freight train. (To her credit, she’s planning to get one of those mouth guards before the wedding to help with that.) Third, she’s very critical of anything with which she doesn’t agree – and there’s a lot with which she doesn’t agree. This is my brother’s – her son’s – wedding and, given the fact that I’m still hearing about the things she didn’t like about my sister’s wedding 10 years ago, I’m sure I’ll get an earful for the whole trip. Plus, my dad’s crazy girlfriend will be with us and I know my mom’s not going to deal with that well at all. But what might bug me the most is that she thinks drinking is wrong, and I like to drink (especially at an all-inclusive resort where I’m paying lots of money for such things as free drinks). I know from experience that I’ll never hear the end of it if I so much as accept the glass of champagne the hotel gives you upon arrival – AND I’M 33 YEARS OLD!!!
This might not sound like so much of an issue. After all, I can just do my own thing. Or do the family thing by day and recoup with some peace in the privacy of my hotel room at night. But oh no! You see, because my mom and I are the only single people in the family – and because we’re both broke – I always have to share a hotel room with her any time we travel together. Right now I could afford to get my own room for my brother’s wedding – and would much prefer to, even though I shouldn’t spend the extra money – but my mom can’t afford her own room and there’s no one else for her to stay with.
I kind of feel like some kind of family martyr (for lack of a better term) for always being the one to stay with my mom. And then I feel horribly ashamed and selfish to feel that way after all she’s done for me and what a wonderful woman she is. She’s not some kind of charity case; she’s a valuable human being with feelings and a lot to offer. And I know she’s also doing me a favor by splitting the cost of the room with me. But I just feel like at my age I should get to have some independence, and for all the money I’m spending I should get to have some peace and some fun.
I’m feeling especially bitter about it right now because of some other dynamics with my sister, who always gets to call the shots on these trips (because she has the most money, I guess) and never has to have any obligations to my mom (because she has a husband, she can just say she needs to spend time with him or whatever).
See, I figured that if I’m spending all this money to go to a fancy beach resort in a part of the world I’ve never visited and may never again have a chance to see, I want to make the most of it. So I wanted to go for at least 6 days. But my sister wanted to go for 4 days and we’re all traveling together. I gave up my extra 2 days because I knew it would be cheaper for my mom and dad, who are both on tight budgets. I also wanted an ocean view, but my mom doesn’t want to pay the extra money for it, so I gave that up as well. But now my sister wants to take ungodly early flights and refuses to consider an alternative and, with a long history of her pulling similar shit, it just pisses me off. (She always books the travel because she’s the only one who can afford to book everyone together on her credit card.)
She said if I didn’t like it I could book my own travel, so that’s what I decided to do. And I decided to go early like I had planned so I could maximize my experience and have a little fun before my mom got there. But the problem I’m finding is that I can’t seem to book a flight for one but a hotel for two. And if my mom’s flight is booked separately from her hotel it will cost her more money. I don’t want to cost my mom more money.
I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand, I feel like I never get to have the vacation I want to have and my sister always gets what she wants and I’m the one to always sacrifice for our mom. (That last bit goes for more than just family vacations.) On the other hand I feel like I’m being selfish and childish.
I don’t know. What do y’all think? I’m sorry for the really long and stupid post (I know there are people in the world with real problems). But my sister’s pressuring me to tell her right away whether or not she should book my travel with them and it’s 2 AM and it’s too late to call anyone for words of wisdom.
One of my primary issues is my mom. I feel guilty even typing this because my mom is an angel and is so good to me, but there’s much I don’t enjoy about traveling with her. For one thing, she’s not a seasoned traveler and gets stressed out about everything from directions to whether or not to take her shoes off at airport security to why her camera memory filled up when she’s taking pictures of every little crack in the sidewalk. Secondly, she snores like a freight train. (To her credit, she’s planning to get one of those mouth guards before the wedding to help with that.) Third, she’s very critical of anything with which she doesn’t agree – and there’s a lot with which she doesn’t agree. This is my brother’s – her son’s – wedding and, given the fact that I’m still hearing about the things she didn’t like about my sister’s wedding 10 years ago, I’m sure I’ll get an earful for the whole trip. Plus, my dad’s crazy girlfriend will be with us and I know my mom’s not going to deal with that well at all. But what might bug me the most is that she thinks drinking is wrong, and I like to drink (especially at an all-inclusive resort where I’m paying lots of money for such things as free drinks). I know from experience that I’ll never hear the end of it if I so much as accept the glass of champagne the hotel gives you upon arrival – AND I’M 33 YEARS OLD!!!
This might not sound like so much of an issue. After all, I can just do my own thing. Or do the family thing by day and recoup with some peace in the privacy of my hotel room at night. But oh no! You see, because my mom and I are the only single people in the family – and because we’re both broke – I always have to share a hotel room with her any time we travel together. Right now I could afford to get my own room for my brother’s wedding – and would much prefer to, even though I shouldn’t spend the extra money – but my mom can’t afford her own room and there’s no one else for her to stay with.
I kind of feel like some kind of family martyr (for lack of a better term) for always being the one to stay with my mom. And then I feel horribly ashamed and selfish to feel that way after all she’s done for me and what a wonderful woman she is. She’s not some kind of charity case; she’s a valuable human being with feelings and a lot to offer. And I know she’s also doing me a favor by splitting the cost of the room with me. But I just feel like at my age I should get to have some independence, and for all the money I’m spending I should get to have some peace and some fun.
I’m feeling especially bitter about it right now because of some other dynamics with my sister, who always gets to call the shots on these trips (because she has the most money, I guess) and never has to have any obligations to my mom (because she has a husband, she can just say she needs to spend time with him or whatever).
See, I figured that if I’m spending all this money to go to a fancy beach resort in a part of the world I’ve never visited and may never again have a chance to see, I want to make the most of it. So I wanted to go for at least 6 days. But my sister wanted to go for 4 days and we’re all traveling together. I gave up my extra 2 days because I knew it would be cheaper for my mom and dad, who are both on tight budgets. I also wanted an ocean view, but my mom doesn’t want to pay the extra money for it, so I gave that up as well. But now my sister wants to take ungodly early flights and refuses to consider an alternative and, with a long history of her pulling similar shit, it just pisses me off. (She always books the travel because she’s the only one who can afford to book everyone together on her credit card.)
She said if I didn’t like it I could book my own travel, so that’s what I decided to do. And I decided to go early like I had planned so I could maximize my experience and have a little fun before my mom got there. But the problem I’m finding is that I can’t seem to book a flight for one but a hotel for two. And if my mom’s flight is booked separately from her hotel it will cost her more money. I don’t want to cost my mom more money.
I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand, I feel like I never get to have the vacation I want to have and my sister always gets what she wants and I’m the one to always sacrifice for our mom. (That last bit goes for more than just family vacations.) On the other hand I feel like I’m being selfish and childish.
I don’t know. What do y’all think? I’m sorry for the really long and stupid post (I know there are people in the world with real problems). But my sister’s pressuring me to tell her right away whether or not she should book my travel with them and it’s 2 AM and it’s too late to call anyone for words of wisdom.
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That was quite a read. I feel for you, I really do. Don't feel bad for venting. I'm sure your mom is a wonderful lady, whom you really appreciate, but that doesn't mean you can't feel put-upon every now and then. I take it your the typical people-pleaser (at least when it comes to your mom). Which is very thoughtful, but oft times can be very distressing.
Can your sister not book your mom's hotel and flight as one, while you book your flight and hotel room (for the extra days) separately? Alternately, can you maybe tack on your extra days at the end of the planned festivities, then you only have to worry about finding a room for the extra days and changing your scheduled return flight.
Also, you should make plans with your sister (and any other family members) to spend time with your mother so that you can have some time away from her. It's time for you to use the guilt-card on your sis. Draw up an itinerary before hand, and tell her that while you realise that she would like some time with her husband, that you too need some time to go and explore and have some fun without your mom.
Good luck to you, and I hope that things work out.
i sooo identify!
well we don't do family trips together, but yes.....being the youngest, living the closest to my mother, for years having the most 'flexible' job, also making the least $$$ of my siblings.....i hear ya. that said, i overall just try to accept our family dynamics as they are. unfair? sure, but it it what it is. it really isn't going to change, no matter how old we all get....so i can either get annoyed and/or upset, or just take it all as is. so my suggestion is simply to go along with whatever the family plans (whatever your sister plans
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
* book an extra 2 days for yourself
* while with family - plan a lot of personal time to charge yourself up (if you already know certain things are gonna bug you - you have 2 options really. 1 is to totally let them bug you and be fine with it or 2. figure out what it really is about some things that bugs you and see if there is a fix.
I called a travel agent today and am feeling better about the situation. She thinks she can work it all out. Now I just have to convince my sister to book my mom & everyone through the travel agent. Wish me luck... and thanks again!
No luck; my sister refuses to book through the travel agent because she wants to use her AmEx points to pay for her trip (and, in my opinion, because she just wants to be in charge and get what she wants). Now everyone's pissed at me for rocking the boat by not going along with my sister's plan. They think I'm being selfish. It's the story of our fucking lives.
(Similar shit happened in January when we were going to go together to our high school reunion. She wanted to go only for the luncheon and I wanted to spend the night and stay for the party like everyone else. Since we couldn't agree, I said I would just drive myself and she could come back whenever she wanted. She got mad and decided not to go if I was going. So now she and the rest of my family blame me for my sister missing her reunion and think it was selfish of me to not go along with her plan.)
When I told my sister I didn't think I should always have to stay with Mom, she suggested that if I got my own room I should still also pay for the other half of my mom's room since it would be my fault her room would be more expensive. (I wouldn't do that to my mom anyway.) They're also blaming me for them having to pay more for ground transportation since if I don't fly with them there will be one less person to split the cost. Is it just me, or is this twisted logic? They're not blaming the extra cost on anyone else who's not traveling with them.
I feel beaten down, like I'm ready to just cave and do whatever they want, even though I think I would really resent it. And this whole mess is reminding me that actually traveling with them isn't going to be any better. I'd rather travel alone, meet a nice guy at the airport bar, read a book without anyone yapping at me........
You have two choices now - let your sister get her way (again!!!) or let the family blame you (geez, are they all freakin' blind?) for messing with your sisters plan. I don't envy you, either way you're getting shafted :roll:
I suppose you could just go with the flow this time, but as of right now, I'm sure that is a very bitter pill to swallow.
Peace
Thanks for validating my feelings; it makes me feel better.
In defense of my sister, she's a good friend and helps me out in a lot of ways, and I don't think she consciously intends to be manipulative - but I think she still is. I should also note that, of course, there are two sides to every story. I swear, we need couples therapy or something! :oops: When I say this is the story of my life with her, it reminds me of a time when we were about 4 years old and taking a bath together. Out of nowhere, she thought it would be fun to just stand up and pee on my head. So she did and I yelled. And then I'm the one who got in trouble for yelling! :roll:
Instead of always being a people-pleaser to the point of becoming resentful, I've been trying lately to act in what I think is a more mature manner by not doing things I know I will resent. In a way, that seems like taking responsibility for my actions and my feelings, if that makes sense. That's why I went to the high school reunion on my terms - and I'm really glad I did! That's also why, when I started feeling resentful about the planning of this trip, I decided to just do my own thing. It's just this issue of being bound to my mom for the hotel room that's putting the snafu in my attempt to do my own thing, ya know? I think I'll call the travel agent again tomorrow to see if I can work it out. And then I'll just give my family the $50 I'm "costing" them by not sharing their ride from the airport.
Thanks for letting me vent. It will help me sleep better tonight.
Kinda sounds like she's still pissing on you :?
Do what you have to do to keep the peace my friend. I hope that it all goes well and that you manage to keep yourself sane.
my advice is do not give them the $50 - why should you pay for something you are not using? if that $50 is total then it is going to cost each other person like $10 for the ride - please. paying that $50 is just giving into your sister. if you continue to do that she will continue to treat you that way.
other advice i'd give you is make plans on what you are going to do when you get there - tell your mother and anyone else = here are my plans for the few days, feel free to join me if you like. that way it puts it on them to be with you and will give you the feeling of not having to do what they want to do. you might have to do some things alone but you seem like you have no problems with that.
you need to take the emotion out of it and not worry about what your sister or anyone else is going to think about you. lay it on the line that this is what you are going to do. whether they like it or not is up to them. i know it's hard to be the bad guy sometimes but for your own sake it is the right thing to do.
oxc
*May the Peace of the Wilderness be with YOU*
He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
— Unknown
it's unfortunate your family chooses not to consider your wishes in decision making
agreed, on all counts.
as i said earlier, it is rare for such family dynamics to ever change. so it might be in your own best interest to just learn to accept them before you really go off. if you can't, well.....rightly or wrongly....you know it will be hellish for a while with your family, and yea...they will "blame" you. ultimately, you just have to figure out what's most important to you, and go from there. i know i could easily share similar stories to yours for a few family events, and my husband in particular still gets a wee bit pissed at times, but yea....i've just accepted the fact that 'this is the way it is'....and even with the BS, it's worth it to me to put up with it to see my family. and when it isn't worth it, i just don't go....and i also don't give a shit what anyone else says or does, and they all know it too. :P
good luck!
good for you!
tho i agree, silly for you to give in the $50....let them deal. if anything might ever change, this is the way to go about it.
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
She is a fucking selfish little bitch
Let the bitch share her room with your mother or pay for half of her room. Why should you have to pay for half just because you're not in a relationship. Don't let them get you down. In fact you should make it a point to leave your Mom with your sister and her husband and walk off and have some fun cause it sounds to me that no matter what you do they will make it sound as if you are causing the problems when It really is your bitch sister. You should also make sure you talk about the reunion thing just to rub it in that the stupid bitch spited herself by not going. It sounds like your Mom is a wonderful person and it is hard not to try to please your parents when you know they have done alot for you but your Mom i'm sure has done as many things for your sister as she has for you. Your sister even if she is married should be taking some responsibility for your Mom not just the responsibility of booking the trip which she is only doing for her own Amex point free trip advantage. If your family can't see that she is the one that's being selfish you should get them to read some of the responses on this board for some unbiased opinions. I can tell you if I thought you were wrong about it I would have put my two cents in about you too. You have a right to live your life and have some fun on YOUR vacation. Hope you enjoy it. Good Luck.
And slap that bitch upside the head once for me.
want to be enlightened"
So- I would then just do what's right for you.
-Don't pay your sister for the cab ride- she is using points for the trip- so it is costing her little to nothing- she can deal with the cab from the airport.
- book your own flight/hotel- you want to stay longer and have some "me" time without the rest of them- and that will be the only way to do it. If you let your sister book it- she won't let you have your time.
- pitch in with mom's room- equally share the extra cost between you and your sister. Yes she is your mom and I'm sure is a wonderful woman, but you should not eat the cost of everything. Have your sister pull her weight!
- You and your mom would be happier to have your own room- I know I would, and I love my mom too. Sometimes you just need your space and having someone around all the time can be wearing on the soul.
- Enjoy yourself! You are paying A LOT of money- why can't you enjoy it.
- Don't let the peer pressure and guilt get you- You are not responsible for your mom. You are grown and your family need to recognize that.
- now if you were not single- what would you all have done with your mom? would she have been given her own room? Just because you are single, does not mean that you are alone- understand what I mean?
Any way, good luck- and don't give in to your sister- you will just resent it and have a miserable time.
I hope that YOU make sure that YOU have a wonderful time. :ugeek:
Cheers
IMHO.
Well, that was pretty damn nice of her. I hope that this vacation kerfuffle has made her re-evaluate some things. Enjoy your time on the beach
Ever thought of just getting a room with two Queen or King beds. Then everyone has to accomodate each other and everyone can reap the "benefits" of the savings...
that's awesome!
i hope you and your family have a fantastic time!
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow