Things that being a parent can pull out years later...

justam

The older my children get, the more I realize how much left-over anger I have towards my own parents.

My children are now past the ages when my mom was moving us around, divorcing several times, leaving us home as latch-key kids. Somehow, parenting my own children the way I would have wanted someone to parent me (being here, giving them a good home where their feelings matter, etc.) makes me realize how much anger I still really have towards my own lame up-bringing.

Does anyone else notice this in themselves?

Wilds

I had a really good upbringing. Lots of love.

But my biological father left when I was 1 years old. I was mad at him for a long time growing up, but got over it when I was a teenager. I was so happy to have a dad (who married my mom when I was 4 and raised me and my twin as his own from age 1.5), that it was easy to forget the man who left. He became like an uncle in some ways.

But now with two kids, I once in a while look at them and cant imagine that someone could leave like that. Im not angry, just really pity him for those choices. Now he regrets it tremendously.

I do find myself doing some things with my kids that I wished my parents had done for me, but for the most part it is all good.

dasvidana

I think everyone does to some extent. The trick is to keep the anger from rearing its head in unproductive ways. Each time you do something for your kids that you would have loved your parents do for you, just think about how well your're breaking the cycle.

justam

Wilds wrote:

But my biological father left when I was 1 years old. I was mad at him for a long time growing up, but got over it when I was a teenager. I was so happy to have a dad (who married my mom when I was 4 and raised me and my twin as his own from age 1.5), that it was easy to forget the man who left. He became like an uncle in some ways.

But now with two kids, I once in a while look at them and cant imagine that someone could leave like that. Im not angry, just really pity him for those choices. Now he regrets it tremendously.

That's kind of what I mean. You can't understand how someone could leave a baby like that because you wouldn't do it yourself...

It's lucky you're not angry. I guess I'm just realizing that I kept my anger buried for a long time and it's rising to the surface as age-markers pass for my kids.

Wilds

justam wrote:

That's kind of what I mean. You can't understand how someone could leave a baby like that because you wouldn't do it yourself...

It's lucky you're not angry. I guess I'm just realizing that I kept my anger buried for a long time and it's rising to the surface as age-markers pass for my kids.

Yeah.... I was just lucky that I focused on and released that anger early.

My grandparents on my estranged fathers side were as close as anyone could be, so that also helped.

justam

dasvidana wrote:

I think everyone does to some extent. The trick is to keep the anger from rearing its head in unproductive ways. Each time you do something for your kids that you would have loved your parents do for you, just think about how well your're breaking the cycle.

Yes.

I guess I'm just thinking about the fact that I wasn't even allowed to mention that I was angry about it because I was protecting them from feeling less than perfect. :roll:

justam

Wilds wrote:

Yeah.... I was just lucky that I focused on and released that anger early.

My grandparents on my estranged fathers side were as close as anyone could be, so that also helped.

Good grandparents can be a big help.

Lizardjam

Wilds wrote:

justam wrote:

That's kind of what I mean. You can't understand how someone could leave a baby like that because you wouldn't do it yourself...

It's lucky you're not angry. I guess I'm just realizing that I kept my anger buried for a long time and it's rising to the surface as age-markers pass for my kids.

Yeah.... I was just lucky that I focused on and released that anger early.

My grandparents on my estranged fathers side were as close as anyone could be, so that also helped.

That's crazy. I kind of had the same thing. Same age when my dad left but I was still very close to my dad's side grandparents. I still am. But my mom never remarried, and i never cared that I didn't have my dad. I know that sounds weird but I have no anger. I just don't miss something I never knew. I was lucky enough to have both sets of grandparents and my mom. That was enough.

I am seeing someone with a child so I am seeing the differences in parenting. From my own skills to my mom's. It's like night and day! No Anger though, I wouldn't be who I am if I was raised differently.

decides2dream

i'm sure it may be even more evident by being a parent yourself, but i don't think it's necessary to recognize latent anger towards your parents for anything you might recognize as lacking about your upbringing once an adult. it's all how you deal with it tho, absolutely...

dcfaithful

I'm nowhere near being a parent, but I feel like I can still relate on some sort of level...

My dad left my mom, my brother, and myself when I was 11, and my brother was 13...it was a really strange feeling, and a strange time in my life...especially when I vividly remember just a few years before my dad saying "We will never get a divorce.". Now, of course there is no way of knowing that, but as a kid you want to believe that your parents are the best and most perfect people in the world.

My mom began to cope with being hung out to dry by starting a substance habit (thank god she quit and never looked back), but growign up with the three of us was weird when used to four...and I was always very pissed at my dad until like 2 years ago when I called him up and told him that I had some shti to say and I just let loose...I don't think he really regrets it, because he had to make himself happy...but having grown up that way, I've always told myself that I will do everything in my honest power to make sure that the children I have never go through anything similar to that...

divorce, abuse, neglect, poor parenting can be damaging to someone's upbringing...

justam

dcfaithful wrote:

I don't think he really regrets it, because he had to make himself happy...but having grown up that way, I've always told myself that I will do everything in my honest power to make sure that the children I have never go through anything similar to that...

This is how I reacted too. Lately though I've been thinking about how even THAT is affecting me now because I'm so focused on making sure I do it well that I'm still being shaped by the negative experience! :?
:geek:

Drowned Out

I think it's an ongoing thing...
It might not always be tied to parenting, but it can definitely bring some realizations to the fore, and from both the positive and negative side...
I, as a shared-custody single parent, have had the most trouble dealing with living up to the GOOD things my parents did for me....
On the other hand....I spoke with a friend (in his 50's) a while back, who told me that he went into therapy after his mom passed away, and ended up finding out about all these repressed feelings about his upbringing and how she raised him, the expectations she put on him and how they affected him....this is a guy in his 50's! Scary as shit to think about how drastically a seemingly little thing can affect a person for life...

Lizardjam

People use it as a cop-out too. Sometimes it is better for the parents to get a divorce. No child should live in a house where the parents wind up hating each other. Ultimately we make our own choices as adults how to parent our children regardless of the misdeeds of our parents. Sure, it may hurt and have lasting effects but you can dwell on it forever and blame your parents or move on. There isn't anyone on this board with a perfect childhood but I bet there are some great parents.

decides2dream

justam wrote:

dcfaithful wrote:

I don't think he really regrets it, because he had to make himself happy...but having grown up that way, I've always told myself that I will do everything in my honest power to make sure that the children I have never go through anything similar to that...

This is how I reacted too. Lately though I've been thinking about how even THAT is affecting me now because I'm so focused on making sure I do it well that I'm still being shaped by the negative experience! :?
:geek:

aren't we ALL shaped by our experiences tho, whether positive or negative? perhaps you are just over-thinking it some? ha - me making that statement. i think we ALL do that, in many of our life choices and how we go about living, period. don't stress over it too much justam. your past helped shape you, but you still decide the future form of your life and decisions.

justam

decides2dream wrote:

aren't we ALL shaped by our experiences tho, whether positive or negative? perhaps you are just over-thinking it some? ha - me making that statement. i think we ALL do that, in many of our life choices and how we go about living, period. don't stress over it too much justam. your past helped shape you, but you still decide the future form of your life and decisions.

Yeah. Honestly, I'd like to forget the whole thing.

Cateeto

Wow, I'm actually very intrigued and glad this thread was started. My husband and I are always talking about our future as parents and since we're in the planning stages of this, it's very important for us to reflect on our past. Neither of us came from very good upbringings. Sure, our parents kept us alive, but as far as everything else goes, they were pretty damn shitty and did some things that cannot be forgiven, like many other parents out there. Needless to say, we do not want to be these types of parents and indeed do feel hostility that doesn't seem to go away. To some degree we are hoping that with our own children and breaking that horrid cycle that we will feel a type of release from the hold that hostility has on us, but I'm thinking it will always be there.

I do have a few questions for those who go through this.

Do you feel the anger slip away as you raise your own kids or does it just intensify as you realize how absolutely wrong their parenting was compared to your own?

How do you handle your children with your parents? If they treated you so horribly, do you allow your kids to see them? Do your kids know about your past?

I think it is indeed necessary to keep a grudge against the things our parents did wrong. Most people see grudges as bad things, but a grudge can be used in a positive way if used correctly. The key is to take something good out of it, that being the opportunity to soar above your parents as a parent and do all of the things right with your own kids. It is important to remember everything that happened to you because if you forget just one little thing, there is a chance you may repeat horrid patterns. At least, that's how I feel... I'm very confident in remembering everything and correcting all of the wrong. So while it may be a drag to hold anger, in the long run it will pay off and your kids will have a better life because of what you have held.

There is nothing that pisses me off more than parents who become their parents. I of course am only referring to bad parents here... If your parents were good then there is nothing wrong with being like them, but sadly, most parents don't have a clue when it comes to raising their offspring. I actually have a sibling who strongly recalled every bad thing that our parents did to us and fought like crazy to be a different parent, only to give in at the end and justify their actions. As a result, her children are now misbehaved brats who can barely function in the world. I see this all of the time and I just wonder how people could so easily forget the bad things... Perhaps they're just giving into laziness. I don't know.

Anyway, a bit of rambling there, but I do feel anger and I know as a parent I will keep those feelings fresh to improve my own kids' lives.

Lizardjam

I'm one of those that don't see grudges as a good thing. Why hold on to anger? Just cut the people out of your lives, make sure you learn from those past events and move on. It's just negative to your own well being to hold on to all that anger. I'm no positive nelly but, i find it's never useful to active resent or hold a grudge against someone. They don't care. Why should you put any of yourself into that? Put all of yourself into moving forward and not making the same mistakes.

Holding on to it does nothing good for you at all. Learn from it, let it go. I am not saying forgive those people. There is no forgiveness. Just remove those people from your life.

I did not have the perfect childhood but i'm not going to sit and be angry at my mother\father for the rest of my life. That would just hold me back.

Sorry for the repetition but you are impacting your kids and your life by holding onto it.

Cateeto

Lizardjam wrote:

I'm one of those that don't see grudges as a good thing. Why hold on to anger? Just cut the people out of your lives, make sure you learn from those past events and move on. It's just negative to your own well being to hold on to all that anger. I'm no positive nelly but, i find it's never useful to active resent or hold a grudge against someone. They don't care. Why should you put any of yourself into that? Put all of yourself into moving forward and not making the same mistakes.

Holding on to it does nothing good for you at all. Learn from it, let it go. I am not saying forgive those people. There is no forgiveness. Just remove those people from your life.

I did not have the perfect childhood but i'm not going to sit and be angry at my mother\father for the rest of my life. That would just hold me back.

Sorry for the repetition but you are impacting your kids and your life by holding onto it.

Actually, that's exactly what I just explained in my post. I suppose some wouldn't consider it a grudge, but that's the only word choice I had in mind as I wrote it. Mainly by remembering is how we move forward and push ourselves to succeed. That is all. There is no active anger... Just remembrance and moving forward. It only impacts a life of a child in a positive way because you are doing positive things.

pandora

justam wrote:

The older my children get, the more I realize how much left-over anger I have towards my own parents.

My children are now past the ages when my mom was moving us around, divorcing several times, leaving us home as latch-key kids. Somehow, parenting my own children the way I would have wanted someone to parent me (being here, giving them a good home where their feelings matter, etc.) makes me realize how much anger I still really have towards my own lame up-bringing.

Does anyone else notice this in themselves?

I had alot of anger too- growing up in shame- anger that was inside- crumbling my self esteem
it took my parents passing now for me to understand the love they had together and the love they had for myself and 3 sisters.
Parents are imperfect they just live their lives (everything is not always clear) and do what they can
Someday they are appreciated and missed

decides2dream

pandora wrote:

justam wrote:

The older my children get, the more I realize how much left-over anger I have towards my own parents.

My children are now past the ages when my mom was moving us around, divorcing several times, leaving us home as latch-key kids. Somehow, parenting my own children the way I would have wanted someone to parent me (being here, giving them a good home where their feelings matter, etc.) makes me realize how much anger I still really have towards my own lame up-bringing.

Does anyone else notice this in themselves?

I had alot of anger too- growing up in shame- anger that was inside- crumbling my self esteem
it took my parents passing now for me to understand the love they had together and the love they had for myself and 3 sisters.
Parents are imperfect they just live their lives (everything is not always clear) and do what they can
Someday they are appreciated and missed

some parents will never, ever be appreciated or missed, and some don't deserve to be. sure, all parents make mistakes, just like anyone else...but there are mistakes, and then there are outright injustices, wrong-doings, cruelty, etc. not all parents deserve to be loved and appreciated....some are horrors. i am thankful i had two good parents, faults and all. many are not so lucky.

justam

Cateeto wrote:

Wow, I'm actually very intrigued and glad this thread was started. My husband and I are always talking about our future as parents and since we're in the planning stages of this, it's very important for us to reflect on our past. Neither of us came from very good upbringings. Sure, our parents kept us alive, but as far as everything else goes, they were pretty damn shitty and did some things that cannot be forgiven, like many other parents out there. Needless to say, we do not want to be these types of parents and indeed do feel hostility that doesn't seem to go away. To some degree we are hoping that with our own children and breaking that horrid cycle that we will feel a type of release from the hold that hostility has on us, but I'm thinking it will always be there.

I do have a few questions for those who go through this.

Do you feel the anger slip away as you raise your own kids or does it just intensify as you realize how absolutely wrong their parenting was compared to your own?

How do you handle your children with your parents? If they treated you so horribly, do you allow your kids to see them? Do your kids know about your past?

I think it is indeed necessary to keep a grudge against the things our parents did wrong. Most people see grudges as bad things, but a grudge can be used in a positive way if used correctly. The key is to take something good out of it, that being the opportunity to soar above your parents as a parent and do all of the things right with your own kids. It is important to remember everything that happened to you because if you forget just one little thing, there is a chance you may repeat horrid patterns. At least, that's how I feel... I'm very confident in remembering everything and correcting all of the wrong. So while it may be a drag to hold anger, in the long run it will pay off and your kids will have a better life because of what you have held.

There is nothing that pisses me off more than parents who become their parents. I of course am only referring to bad parents here... If your parents were good then there is nothing wrong with being like them, but sadly, most parents don't have a clue when it comes to raising their offspring. I actually have a sibling who strongly recalled every bad thing that our parents did to us and fought like crazy to be a different parent, only to give in at the end and justify their actions. As a result, her children are now misbehaved brats who can barely function in the world. I see this all of the time and I just wonder how people could so easily forget the bad things... Perhaps they're just giving into laziness. I don't know.

Anyway, a bit of rambling there, but I do feel anger and I know as a parent I will keep those feelings fresh to improve my own kids' lives.

Cateeto, I saw this post this morning but I needed to think about the question a bit before I answered.

I think if you and your husband are concerned about this as a pair, you will help each other if you notice habits that aren't your own but things that came from elsewhere.

I tend to notice tone of voice a lot so I mention it to my husband with a comment like "you sound like so-and-so when you say something like that." and he knows what I mean and adjusts...we're kind of eyes and ears for the things we don't want done to our sons...

That's the great thing about doing the job with someone you love and respect. You do it as a team and then you find more to love about the person. He's a good father. She's a good mother.

I don't think holding a grudge is the way to go. I think recognizing the anger is important but then you have to do something about it. Either forgive the person and go on or, as decides2dream mentions, perhaps you can't forgive the person. (?)

Perhaps you need to stop speaking to the person? That's an option that adults have. We don't owe other adults our attention unless we WANT to give it. We can ignore people. We can stop all contact if we want to.