Need some advice

thunderDAN

My ex girlfriend's mom died last night and I'm not sure what I should do. She was my girlfriend for over 3.5 years until I broke up with her 2 years ago. I have spent the better part of 3 years not really going out of my way to speak with her because I know she still had/has feelings for me so I thought it was best. We broke up amicably, but don't speak anymore mostly because of my own doing. She has tried speaking with me over the past couple years but I kind of didn't want to because I heard how she was still interested in being with me so I thought it was best I didn't lead her on. Now I am feeling bad that I did that, but I don't know what to do. Has anyone else had this type of situation? should I send flowers? a card? I'm planning on going to calling hours, but I just feel like a royal jerk.

JOEJOEJOE

I'd stay away for a few weeks......your re-introduction into her life may just confuse her at a time when she is most likely already emotionally spent.

orig_long red

in this situation, u should follow the standard code when a friend's loved one dies. go to the viewing, express your sympathy, maybe send a card. like u said, u dont want to send the wrong signals.

although, with her emotions all out of whack, you could be looking at a possible sex situation a la High Fidelity.

it's your choice.

thunderDAN

long red wrote:

in this situation, u should follow the standard code when a friend's loved one dies. go to the viewing, express your sympathy, maybe send a card. like u said, u dont want to send the wrong signals.

although, with her emotions all out of whack, you could be looking at a possible sex situation a la High Fidelity.

it's your choice.

haha, I would never do that. I don't have an interest in her like that. She does have a boyfriend that she started dating a couple months after we broke up. She has told her friends though that she even told him that she still have feelings for me. So him being there will be weird. It's really a convoluted situation of her forever love for me and me not being interested. I know this makes me sound very conceded on here but it's the truth. That is why I'm kind of in a weird situation

dcfaithful

thunderDAN wrote:

long red wrote:

in this situation, u should follow the standard code when a friend's loved one dies. go to the viewing, express your sympathy, maybe send a card. like u said, u dont want to send the wrong signals.

although, with her emotions all out of whack, you could be looking at a possible sex situation a la High Fidelity.

it's your choice.

haha, I would never do that. I don't have an interest in her like that. She does have a boyfriend that she started dating a couple months after we broke up. She has told her friends though that she even told him that she still have feelings for me. So him being there will be weird. It's really a convoluted situation of her forever love for me and me not being interested. I know this makes me sound very conceded on here but it's the truth. That is why I'm kind of in a weird situation

It wouldn't be weird. If he makes an issue of it, then that's his problem. You'd be going out of respect because you have a history with her. Whether or not he likes it, you guys dated and had a connection and your sympathy will definitely help her mourn, I'm sure.

I would advise you at least attend the funeral and express your sympathy and leave it at that. Like said, don't send the wrong signals...but I think you're well aware of not doing that

norm

JOEJOEJOE wrote:

I'd stay away for a few weeks......your re-introduction into her life may just confuse her at a time when she is most likely already emotionally spent.

but i think he should send a note...i'm assuming, dan, you knew her mother so i don't think you should completely ignore this now...a note now and a call in a few weeks

Phantom Pain

Show your respect for her Mother by going to the viewing

Leave it at that

mfc2006

i agree with dc.
go to the service & pay your respects. simple as that. some drama can be avoided by doing the respectable thing. if her bf has an issue with it, that's his deal.

Savage Fan

From a females perspective, as long as you have made it clear to her that you are no longer interested in her in that way then you should feel ok to pay your respects in anyway that feels natural to you. If she still loves you that is her issue to deal with, and it should not prevent you from going about your business. Yes it's hard on her but she has a new boyfriend and it is his place now to comfort her.
If it gets weird you can always leave.

Who Princess

I also agree with dc. And having lost a parent less than 2 years ago and my MIL who was very dear to me only a couple of months ago, I'd suggest that when you speak to your ex you keep the focus on simply paying your respects. She will probably be too out of it to remember what you say to her so the very simple phrases work just fine. There's nothing wrong with "I'm so sorry." If you feel like you need to say more, try to say something about her mom, if there's some little story you can remember about her or something you always noticed about her like her friendliness. But you don't have to stay long at the vigil and it's not a good idea anyway, no matter what your past relationship. The family is going to be too emotionally exhausted.

I think going to the vigil would meet your obligation. If you felt like you needed to do anything else, I would suggest writing a very simple note rather than sending flowers.

dcfaithful

whoprincess wrote:

I also agree with dc. And having lost a parent less than 2 years ago and my MIL who was very dear to me only a couple of months ago, I'd suggest that when you speak to your ex you keep the focus on simply paying your respects. She will probably be too out of it to remember what you say to her so the very simple phrases work just fine. There's nothing wrong with "I'm so sorry." If you feel like you need to say more, try to say something about her mom, if there's some little story you can remember about her or something you always noticed about her like her friendliness. But you don't have to stay long at the vigil and it's not a good idea anyway, no matter what your past relationship. The family is going to be too emotionally exhausted.

I think going to the vigil would meet your obligation. If you felt like you needed to do anything else, I would suggest writing a very simple note rather than sending flowers.

What I bolded is exactly what I couldn't explain at the time of my last post, for some reason. Definitely keep the focus of your dicussion solely on the reason why you are there...to mourn and sympathize the loss of her mother.

dimitrispearljam

sorry for the woman that pass away..there in no plan in this,,you have to do what you feel..this is a hard one.,.if you want to express your sympathy,do it,,dont think your past with the ex,,just go and express what u feel,,with respect first of all..

stuckinline

i agree with whoprincess's advice. keep the conversation focused on her mom. and don't buy flowers, it is a big waste of money as they get thrown out after the funeral. if you really feel you need to do something, make a small monetary donation to the mom's favorite charity.

good luck!

justam

It would be unkind to ignore the death of her mother, however, I can see why you'll have to keep your intentions clear if you don't want her to get the wrong idea. Sometimes people use situations like this to try to make civility mean more than it does.

Go to the viewing and send a card. Keep it short and polite.

_

I've been in similar situations twice, but from different sides.

Once, my ex-boyfriend's best friend died and he was devastated. I was no longer interested in him romantically & he knew I had another boyfriend. But of course I still cared about him as a friend and wanted to be there for him. (I was his closest friend in town after his best friend.) So I explained to my boyfriend and went to be there for my ex. Long story short, he got the wrong idea and thought we were getting back together. When I told him we weren't he totally freaked out. Granted, I allowed myself to be the primary person he leaned on since he didn't have anyone else and I didn't want to be unkind - plus, I was grieving over the death as well.

Later, after I had broken up with the boyfriend I was with in the first story, my grandmother died. This was a huge deal to me and I couldn't imagine that it wouldn't be a huge deal to everyone who knew her. The 2nd ex had actually become quite close to her during the years we were together, so I figured he would want to know that she was gone. (I would certainly want to know if his mother or someone had died.) I emailed him about it and got no response. I ran into him a couple of months later & it came up and he didn't seem to care. The experience just reinforced any thoughts I had ever had that he was an insincere, thoughtless bastard.

My point to you is: take the middle ground. Don't give her the wrong impression by letting her lean on you for comfort (which she's less likely to do since she has another boyfriend), but certainly don't ignore something so significant. I don't know whether you knew her mom and feel the loss first hand, or just feel empathetic to your ex for having lost her mom. Obviously you care somehow or you wouldn't have given it a second thought. I say that sincerity is always the best policy. I think I would send a card and/or call her up, and probably also attend the funeral to pay my respects.

My cousin's ex-wife came to the funeral when my uncle (cousin's dad) died, even though his new wife was there too. We all thought better of her for it.

I'm a tiny bit drunk right now so I'm rambling. Sorry. :oops: Good luck and I'm sorry for your and your ex's loss.

yellowporch

I was in a somewhat similar situation... my dad died about 5 years ago, and i had broken up with my boyfriend about a month prior to my father's death. Both he and my boyfriend before him had came to the funeral, and it was very comforting to know both of them acknowledged and paid respects to him. The boyfriend I had broken up with the month before, and I are now back together and are 4 years strong, I know thats not what you want, but I think she will take comfort in knowing that you still generally care about her well being.

btw- my boyfriend I am with now sent me flowers and a nice card, and called to check up on me = getting back together, so I wouldnt send the flowers like a majority of the people here have said, keep it short and polite, shell appreciate it, with hopefully not getting the wrong message. GOOD LUCK!

Wobbie

yellowporch wrote:

The boyfriend I had broken up with the month before, and I are now back together and are 4 years strong, I know thats not what you want

or is it???? :?

DinghyDog

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thunderDAN

thanks for all the advice everyone, I think I have a general idea as what to do

soulsinging

JOEJOEJOE wrote:

I'd stay away for a few weeks......your re-introduction into her life may just confuse her at a time when she is most likely already emotionally spent.

I'm leaning towards this. If you feel compelled to go to the showing, show up at a busy time, give your condolences and get out. It's not a matter of being cruel, but you don't want to add any more emotional confusion to her life right now and it would be all too easy for her to try to use this contact and your guilt to build something. Not in a malicious way, just a needy one. I suspect I'd do the same if I was in her shoes and my ex-gf showed up after years of limited-to-no contact.

And don't beat yourself up about cutting her off. My ex cut me off and as painful as it was and as much as I wish I could still be in contact with her, it had to be done. It was clear I couldn't handle being in touch with her while I had feelings and she had moved on. I'm still not over her totally, but it was worse when I was talking to her regularly. You did what you had to do. It sucks for you both, but that's the way it is.

thunderDAN

god this feels so weird. I haven't had feelings for her in over 2 years, but after I went to the service I found myself jealous of her new boyfriend and wanting things again. I'm so dumbfounded as to why I feel like this. I guess it's weird seeing someone who was so in love with you, and whose heart you broke, move on. It's just strange for me to see someone else be there at this time and it really hit me at the service last night