My life and music. (Long post)
Sanctusorium
Posts: 10
Why I pour this out to a board of which I know no one, I do not know. Maybe it is because I feel that I can trust other fans of this fine band. Pearl Jam forever! Either way, its not like its a secret anymore.
My birthday is coming up soon, July 8th to be exact. So far, I've lived a relativity short life - coming upon twenty-one years now. As I look back, I realize how much music has impacted my life in the past four to five years. You see, much has caught up with me in recent years. As a child, my father and mother split. My mom kicked my dad out due to his alcoholism. My father was a minor part of my life for years after that point. To fill the void within her heart, my mother found another man. However, he was no better than my father... If not worse. This man drank all day and all night. The only time he was sober is when he woke up to take a piss and maybe if he went to work that day. I was stuck with this man from the age of five to thirteen.
I was not his favorite person in the world. He constantly made this fact known through his violence and hateful remarks towards me. A few times he had declared me to be the antichrist and that he would fight me if I ever became something. In these years of my life, the idea seems to be ridiculous, but when it was said to me I was but maybe seven or eight. I grew up thinking that any abuse I endured, I had earned because I was something evil.
This man also was a "rocker." Always made false promises about how he was going to revive classic rock and start touring and make him and my mom rich. From him, I grew to hate anything done with a guitar. He played his music (terribly) at a very loud level every night for hours. I can remember every night when I could go to sleep having my ears ring until I fell asleep. Music seemed to be a dark symbol in my life because of him. However... When he was there, playing his loud screeches, his violent hand was away from me. I considered that a blessing at times.
As I grew up, I dealt with his abuse and drifted through school nearly friendless. I was reclusive, but when some one COULD get me to open, they described me as "one of the sweetest boys" they had ever met. And when I told a couple of people about this, they assured me I was a good person. Something I found hard to believe at times. Especially when my mother gave my eight year old version of my self a choice to be very poor and live out him, or be with him and not as poor, I chose to be with him. She ended up having two children with him. He loved them, but made me miserable, and didn't treat my mother very well. I once had a kitten... God I loved that cat... he snapped it's neck because I loved it so much. I blamed myself for all of that.
When I was almost thirteen, I moved in with my then sober father. I went from inner-city Kansas City, MO to a suburb. I entered a state of dormant feelings. I also began to forgive rock/metal. My first musical obsession was Creed. (Shush you. I was thirteen.) I loved the "clunk" of their guitars. Creed still has a special spot in my heart because of how they essentially introduced me to music. If not for them, I would probably not be here.
As I drifted through my teenage years into high school, I made some friends (that I still keep in close contact even today despite our geographical distance) and I started to open up more. My musical tastes start to expand as well. I also started to deal with issues that I had ignored during my childhood and deal with the trauma of my childhood. Even through this, people called me one of the "sweetest, most wonderful guys" they had ever met. I was, however bitter. Before my senior year I started to listen to Pearl Jam intently. I must say that the lyrics of Pearl Jam were the first lyrics to truly touch me. The whaling of "I'm still alive" rang true as originally meant by Eddie - as a curse. I felt miserable.
It was also about this time my dad relapsed and fell out of sobriety. Because of this I had to move out for a couple of weeks, but I eventually moved back in when I trusted him again... It was during this senior year of high school, that I admitted to myself I have a major issue... A gender identity one. I had ignored this issue as a child in fear of making my father and mother "not proud." I ignored it even more as I grew up because I was more focused on how to not get my ass beat. During the times of trying to figure out this I also figured out that I hate what I was going to do for my life's work (networking/computer science) and started to invest my time in something I really do like - photography.
Before college, I started to get into a different kind of music. Stuff like Dream Theater, Therion, and Pain of Salvation. Also, during this time my inner struggles became intense. By the time I started college, I tried to get into school, but I ended up becoming depressed. I started to skip classes and not care. Its a miracle that I still made it. The next semester I became even deeper into depression and gave into my gender issues and went out a couple of times cross dressed. In a grand fit of stupidity, I didn't have anyone go with me and I went to a Walmart. At 2AM. In Joplin, MO (Conservative, very very conservative.) I didn't want to see anyone that I might know. About my third time doing this, I had a very sudden urge to use the bathroom that I couldn't fight. In what was probably the ultimate stupidity of mine, I went to the MALE'S bathroom. I didn't think anyone would be there and I didn't want to get arrested for being in the women's bathroom. Big mistake. Someone was there and stalked me until I got out of the store.
I was dragged near the back by three men and had the living daylights beat out of me. I felt they would surely would have killed me if it were not for some employee walking out for some reason. They scattered and I was taken inside. As the employees decided what to do with me, I over heard a tidbit.. "We'll call the cops. Maybe they'll take the tranny in." With that, I ran. I got to my car, and drove back to my droms where I managed to sneak in with no one seeing me.
From then on I became even more depressed. My therapist that I had at the time told me to "just be a man. Its not that hard." I tried to down a bottle of pills at this point. It failed - feelings of suicide always leave me after I've nearly done the deed. (Plus, from what a med-school friend told me, its hard to OD on Tylenol.) For the rest of that weekend I just listened to music to block myself from the world. I spoke to no one of my issues or what had been done to me. I just listened. One line that I can clearly remember... The line that probably saved my life... Is by this wonderful band - Pearl Jam. The line was "No matter how cold the winter, there is a springtime ahead" from Thumbing My Way. Usually this type of song really bores me, but this time... This time it range true. And I cried. And I cried. And I cried.
I drifted through the rest of my freshman year of college being distant again. My musical tastes evolved to include bands such as Ayreon, Blind Guardian, Porcupine Tree, Riverside, Kamelot, Opeth and many more prog/prog-metal bands. The style, especially Ayreon grim tale of humanity, suited how I felt at the time. By God's grace I made it through that second semester of my freshman year. Through the summer I got a job at home and prepared to move on to a new school and live on my own. I delved heavily into photography as well.
My sophomore year of College was at The University of Missouri (Mizzou to any fans reading.) Thats also when I started to express who I am full time. Few people in the area know me by my legal name, and I pass decently. I became involved with the Center for Social Justice on the campus and I became very involved trying to not let my life get me down. I had one of the best semesters of school. The next semester had the potential to be good as well, despite having seasonal depression. However, I became stupid again. In an attempt to expand my photographic skills, I started to do night photography... In the middle of the night... in a public park... alone. The result was attempted rape. I won't go into detail as this was just this past March and it may be too graphic for this board. However, in the end, I was able to get away with minor physical harm by racking the jerk. This time, after trauma, I had support.
I was able to talk to my counselor about the situation and I had close friends that supported me... And I kept that lyric with me... "No matter how cold the winter, there is always a springtime ahead." I kept pushing and I keep pushing. Eventually school ended and I started to work at a Best Buy. Unfortunately, again, something happened. My father found out via the most idiotic of all mediums - facebook. Facebook. I was outted by FACEBOOK.
The end result was a week later, my dad trying to come up and talk to me, but he ended up subcumbing to alcoholism. He surprised me by showing up outside of my work... Drunk as a skunk. After all was said and done, we ended up in a fight... Because I wouldn't let him drive 150 miles home drunk. My own father - some one I had complete trust in again - ended up giving me two black eyes and a broken nose. I didn't fight back because I knew he was drunk. A free pass that I will never grant him again.
And now, I am here. I am just a few days away from my twenty first and its likely that I'll be homeless soon. My landlord thinks its a good idea to say things like "it should be pay double rent because it signed a lease as a man" and also I am in a huge money crunch. I am struggling through College Algebra with no book with work with because I am broke. (My doctor bills drained me.)
But you know what? I'll be ok. I'm able to be who I am. I got friends who can book me for awhile... I got great music to listen to and... Really? No matter how cold the winter, theres a springtime ahead.
Congrats to the person who makes it through this huge post, you win a couple of internets and maybe a cookie or two
My birthday is coming up soon, July 8th to be exact. So far, I've lived a relativity short life - coming upon twenty-one years now. As I look back, I realize how much music has impacted my life in the past four to five years. You see, much has caught up with me in recent years. As a child, my father and mother split. My mom kicked my dad out due to his alcoholism. My father was a minor part of my life for years after that point. To fill the void within her heart, my mother found another man. However, he was no better than my father... If not worse. This man drank all day and all night. The only time he was sober is when he woke up to take a piss and maybe if he went to work that day. I was stuck with this man from the age of five to thirteen.
I was not his favorite person in the world. He constantly made this fact known through his violence and hateful remarks towards me. A few times he had declared me to be the antichrist and that he would fight me if I ever became something. In these years of my life, the idea seems to be ridiculous, but when it was said to me I was but maybe seven or eight. I grew up thinking that any abuse I endured, I had earned because I was something evil.
This man also was a "rocker." Always made false promises about how he was going to revive classic rock and start touring and make him and my mom rich. From him, I grew to hate anything done with a guitar. He played his music (terribly) at a very loud level every night for hours. I can remember every night when I could go to sleep having my ears ring until I fell asleep. Music seemed to be a dark symbol in my life because of him. However... When he was there, playing his loud screeches, his violent hand was away from me. I considered that a blessing at times.
As I grew up, I dealt with his abuse and drifted through school nearly friendless. I was reclusive, but when some one COULD get me to open, they described me as "one of the sweetest boys" they had ever met. And when I told a couple of people about this, they assured me I was a good person. Something I found hard to believe at times. Especially when my mother gave my eight year old version of my self a choice to be very poor and live out him, or be with him and not as poor, I chose to be with him. She ended up having two children with him. He loved them, but made me miserable, and didn't treat my mother very well. I once had a kitten... God I loved that cat... he snapped it's neck because I loved it so much. I blamed myself for all of that.
When I was almost thirteen, I moved in with my then sober father. I went from inner-city Kansas City, MO to a suburb. I entered a state of dormant feelings. I also began to forgive rock/metal. My first musical obsession was Creed. (Shush you. I was thirteen.) I loved the "clunk" of their guitars. Creed still has a special spot in my heart because of how they essentially introduced me to music. If not for them, I would probably not be here.
As I drifted through my teenage years into high school, I made some friends (that I still keep in close contact even today despite our geographical distance) and I started to open up more. My musical tastes start to expand as well. I also started to deal with issues that I had ignored during my childhood and deal with the trauma of my childhood. Even through this, people called me one of the "sweetest, most wonderful guys" they had ever met. I was, however bitter. Before my senior year I started to listen to Pearl Jam intently. I must say that the lyrics of Pearl Jam were the first lyrics to truly touch me. The whaling of "I'm still alive" rang true as originally meant by Eddie - as a curse. I felt miserable.
It was also about this time my dad relapsed and fell out of sobriety. Because of this I had to move out for a couple of weeks, but I eventually moved back in when I trusted him again... It was during this senior year of high school, that I admitted to myself I have a major issue... A gender identity one. I had ignored this issue as a child in fear of making my father and mother "not proud." I ignored it even more as I grew up because I was more focused on how to not get my ass beat. During the times of trying to figure out this I also figured out that I hate what I was going to do for my life's work (networking/computer science) and started to invest my time in something I really do like - photography.
Before college, I started to get into a different kind of music. Stuff like Dream Theater, Therion, and Pain of Salvation. Also, during this time my inner struggles became intense. By the time I started college, I tried to get into school, but I ended up becoming depressed. I started to skip classes and not care. Its a miracle that I still made it. The next semester I became even deeper into depression and gave into my gender issues and went out a couple of times cross dressed. In a grand fit of stupidity, I didn't have anyone go with me and I went to a Walmart. At 2AM. In Joplin, MO (Conservative, very very conservative.) I didn't want to see anyone that I might know. About my third time doing this, I had a very sudden urge to use the bathroom that I couldn't fight. In what was probably the ultimate stupidity of mine, I went to the MALE'S bathroom. I didn't think anyone would be there and I didn't want to get arrested for being in the women's bathroom. Big mistake. Someone was there and stalked me until I got out of the store.
I was dragged near the back by three men and had the living daylights beat out of me. I felt they would surely would have killed me if it were not for some employee walking out for some reason. They scattered and I was taken inside. As the employees decided what to do with me, I over heard a tidbit.. "We'll call the cops. Maybe they'll take the tranny in." With that, I ran. I got to my car, and drove back to my droms where I managed to sneak in with no one seeing me.
From then on I became even more depressed. My therapist that I had at the time told me to "just be a man. Its not that hard." I tried to down a bottle of pills at this point. It failed - feelings of suicide always leave me after I've nearly done the deed. (Plus, from what a med-school friend told me, its hard to OD on Tylenol.) For the rest of that weekend I just listened to music to block myself from the world. I spoke to no one of my issues or what had been done to me. I just listened. One line that I can clearly remember... The line that probably saved my life... Is by this wonderful band - Pearl Jam. The line was "No matter how cold the winter, there is a springtime ahead" from Thumbing My Way. Usually this type of song really bores me, but this time... This time it range true. And I cried. And I cried. And I cried.
I drifted through the rest of my freshman year of college being distant again. My musical tastes evolved to include bands such as Ayreon, Blind Guardian, Porcupine Tree, Riverside, Kamelot, Opeth and many more prog/prog-metal bands. The style, especially Ayreon grim tale of humanity, suited how I felt at the time. By God's grace I made it through that second semester of my freshman year. Through the summer I got a job at home and prepared to move on to a new school and live on my own. I delved heavily into photography as well.
My sophomore year of College was at The University of Missouri (Mizzou to any fans reading.) Thats also when I started to express who I am full time. Few people in the area know me by my legal name, and I pass decently. I became involved with the Center for Social Justice on the campus and I became very involved trying to not let my life get me down. I had one of the best semesters of school. The next semester had the potential to be good as well, despite having seasonal depression. However, I became stupid again. In an attempt to expand my photographic skills, I started to do night photography... In the middle of the night... in a public park... alone. The result was attempted rape. I won't go into detail as this was just this past March and it may be too graphic for this board. However, in the end, I was able to get away with minor physical harm by racking the jerk. This time, after trauma, I had support.
I was able to talk to my counselor about the situation and I had close friends that supported me... And I kept that lyric with me... "No matter how cold the winter, there is always a springtime ahead." I kept pushing and I keep pushing. Eventually school ended and I started to work at a Best Buy. Unfortunately, again, something happened. My father found out via the most idiotic of all mediums - facebook. Facebook. I was outted by FACEBOOK.
The end result was a week later, my dad trying to come up and talk to me, but he ended up subcumbing to alcoholism. He surprised me by showing up outside of my work... Drunk as a skunk. After all was said and done, we ended up in a fight... Because I wouldn't let him drive 150 miles home drunk. My own father - some one I had complete trust in again - ended up giving me two black eyes and a broken nose. I didn't fight back because I knew he was drunk. A free pass that I will never grant him again.
And now, I am here. I am just a few days away from my twenty first and its likely that I'll be homeless soon. My landlord thinks its a good idea to say things like "it should be pay double rent because it signed a lease as a man" and also I am in a huge money crunch. I am struggling through College Algebra with no book with work with because I am broke. (My doctor bills drained me.)
But you know what? I'll be ok. I'm able to be who I am. I got friends who can book me for awhile... I got great music to listen to and... Really? No matter how cold the winter, theres a springtime ahead.
Congrats to the person who makes it through this huge post, you win a couple of internets and maybe a cookie or two
Post edited by Unknown User on
0
Comments
I think many of the fans out here have gone through some really difficult times, each his own story, and PJ music and lyrics have had a life-saving or life-altering impact. You are amongst friends here. It's safe.
I went through my own version of a multi-year crisis and roller coaster ride and the turning point for me was a trip to the Sierra Mountains. I was listening to PJ on my iPod, rock climbing for the first time. When I got to the top, I turned to look at the view - oh so grande! - at the same time, a live version of "Release" was playing... "Release Me...", over and over - I made a mental 180 that day. I was no longer going to hang out letting life pass me by - I wanted to be something more.. It was huge, and nothing that words here can possibly ever do justice. The words I hang onto now are from "I Am Mine".
PM if you want to chat.. I can listen. I'm glad to hear you're still with us.
All i can say - the whole bitterness You had in your life - you could divide between at least a few men.
Life is so unjust, I can't find right words to say it...
I'm really sorry for the past You had. And I really hope your future will be much more better.
Thank You for sharing Your story, my friend.
BTW. The sentence from Thumbing my way means a lot to me too, you know?
halszka123@op.pl
It is truly amazing how the words and music of this band have related to so many different people. I remember the first time I truly heard the course to "Alive". I was ready to drive off a cliff, literally and figuratively. Unlike you,
I heard what the song has eventually evolved into. "I am STILL alive," and can change situation that I was in. I hope that this feeling has changed for you too and that the line "I'm still alive" is now a Paean to your life and no longer a curse. Stay strong and be true . . . You are right, there is always a Springtime ahead.
I too, am here to talk if you want. Please feel free to pm me anytime.
Peace
Yes, I do remember when I first came to this forum. I would read a lot about how the music has inspired, helped, and even saved some people. Thats why I found it to be a wonderful place to express how the music has affected my life.
And its also good to hear that the beauty of the mountains and the wonders of music helped YOU make a turn in such a roller coaster.
In all honesty, I sometimes wonder about how I would have turned out had I not had my experiences that I have had. I'd either be extremely naive, a jerk, or something else. No matter what, I think I'd be a completely different person and I have a feeling it'd not be as good of a person. Who knows though!
And yes, Thumbing My Way is such a wonderful song... One song that can ease a desperate soul.
Yes, Alive has changed to me too. I heard Eddie's story about it in a bootleg (I have every concert from 2006 ^_^) and I was amazed. I was amazed that i heard it like it mean to be heard... And I figured since it has changed for the band, maybe it would be a good thing to see it in a more positive light as well. In all honesty, its like washing a dirty, nasty relic from the past. After all the grime is off, often times you've made something that was ugly into something beautiful.
In all honesty, I do think you can see my state of mind evolve over the past two years in my photography. (my first photos are the last in the gallery oddly enough.)
And anyone is free to PM me for my AIM/MSN/Yahoo details if you want to chat about... Anything.
That said, know this:
YOUR essence is good. YOU DESERVE a happy and fulfilling life just as much as any of us do.
I don't know if you have any leanings toward eastern philosophy, but the Tao and Zen have helped me to learn to love myself and to continue to do so through the most difficult of times. That, and Pearl Jam, have helped me keep my wits about me when the world around me was falling apart.
Be strong and be smart. You can always talk to your PJ friends right here.
Mohandas K. Gandhi
~I once had a sparrow alight upon my shoulder for a moment, while I was hoeing in a village garden, and I felt that I was more distinguished by that circumstance than I should have been by any epaulette I could have worn.~
Henry David Thoreau